A Load of Boulderdash

by NightCoreMoon

Insert Rock Pun Here

/x/x/x/

Maud Pie sat not-alone at a table. Her plain, dusky violet mane fell flat and straight. Unmoving. Her body sat like a rock. Like the rock beside her. Boulder.

Boulder nervously sat motionless on the table, quite clearly a bundle of anxiety and nerves. For a rock that was unable to move on its own, he was very jittery

“Calm down, boy,” Maud said in a monotonous tone, slowly blinking. “You're going to give yourself more heart palpitations. The girls will be here soon.”

“Heeeeeere's your coffee, very best older sister ever in the whole wide world of Equestria!” Cried an energetic pink blur zooming in place into the chair immediately at Maud’s side.

Maud gently brushed a speck of invisible dirt off her gray coat. “Thank you, tied for very best younger sister ever in the whole wide world of Equestria.” Her lips twitched very slightly before she took a sip. “It's delicious, Pinkie.”

“Of course it's delicious, you silly filly!” Pinkie Pie cried, ecstatic, exuberance filling her voice. “It's made from those imported Saddle Arabian beans that you like so much which we got because I took a little of my spending money and bought a little suitcase that I traded to this guy who knew a guy who knew a monkey who knew a guy who knew Discord for some really spiffy cufflinks that I kinda sorta bribed Mister Cake with to let me have access to the espresso machine again after last time which was an absolute doozy of an adventure I told you about that one time we were at the cafe with Starlight because she'd never had bubble tea before, remember, the story where I wound up in two places at once?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“So anyway once I got to use the espresso machine again after solemnly swearing that I wasn't going to drink any of it I decided to learn how to make cappuccinos and lattes and Twilight was my taste tester and she said that I was really good at it and she decided to stock our supplies as long as she got a discount on coffee here and at first Mister and Missus Cake were really not on board with that until Twilight started buying all of her coffee here which makes us a hundred bits a week more than we were before,” she stopped to breathe in for a solid eight and a half seconds (going by Boulder’s count and he was really good at telling time). “And I asked Twilight super nicely to include those Saddle Arabian beans because I know that they're your favorite and she said okay. Luckily Prince Rutherford in Yakyakistan knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a monkey- a different one- who knows a hippogriff who lives in Saddle Arabia now who’s owed a favor by a coffee bean plantation owner. Is it called a plantation? Hey, Twilight, what’s a plantation for coffee beans called?”

Twilight Sparkle, who had just approached the table, stopped in her tracks.

“Uhh...” she said, raising her eyebrow. “A plantation?” She asked, confused by the question.

“Yeah, what's it called?”

“It's called a plantation, Pinkie.” She rubbed a lavender hoof on her temple. “It's an estate whereupon crops are cultivated by resident labor. You know a farmer, you should know this. In fact, you grew up on a farm! Hi Maud.”

“Hello, Princess Twilight,” Maud greeted, sipping from her cup. “Punctual as always.”

“Yeah, Twilight always comes first right on time and then Rarity shows up a minute later talking about how she’s always fashionably late and then Rainbow and AJ show up heatedly bickering about something insignificant and then Fluttershy just shows up unannounced because she's so quiet.”

“That does describe me perfectly...”

Twilight’s navy mane stood on end before she turned to face the new arrival seated comfortably in one of the chairs. “When did-”

“Aw man, Fluttershy, you made me look dumb in front of the audience!” Pinkie whined. “Now how is anypony supposed to take me seriously?”

“Have you tried turning the audience off and on again?” Maud asked, face impassive and tone neutral.

“Don't you smirk at me young lady!” Pinkie teased. “And ordinarily I would but once you turn a body off it's really really hard to turn it back on again. Trust me, I tried. You gotta press in on their heart a lot at a super specific interval or else use a lot of really strong electricity but unfortunately I don't have any special magical elemental powers in this story but if I did that would be super super cool, wouldn't it?”

While it would be cool if Pinkie Pie did have special magical elemental powers, she was unfortunately an earth pony and did not possess such an ability.

“Aw, man...”

Pinkie’s grousing was interrupted by the chiming of a bell, revealed to be Rarity and Rainbow Dash. Rainbow’s wing was wrapped around Rarity’s barrel, holding her closely.

“The Dash has arrived!” She cried, flaring out her other wing with pride. “And she came with the prettiest unicorn in all of Ponyville.”

“Hey.” Twilight said.

“Oh, uh... sorry Twilight.”

“What?” Twilight blinked then ruffled her wings, giving Rainbow a weird look. “I was just saying hello!”

“Oh.”

“Hello darlings,” Rarity greeted with a splendorous wave before sauntering over to the table. “Those near and dear to me, and those near me. Hello Boulder.”

“Is Boulder not near and dear to you?” Maud asked.

“Uh... I...” Rarity's mind and eyes scrambled around. “I meant. Those ponies near and dear, of course. Pebbles are not included in that. Boulder is, ah... a valued acquaintance of mine.”

“Boulder is not a pebble anymore,” Maud said, voice not betraying any emotion whatsoever. “He is a full grown rock. Please be careful with the vocabulary you choose.”

“Yeah, Rarebear,” Pinkie tsked. “Don't let your rocky relationship with other stones affect the way you treat my sister’s friend.”

Twilight slammed her face into the table. “That pun was horrible.”

“Pun?” Pinkie asked, blinking. “What pun?”

“Yeah Rare,” Rainbow muttered. “Don't be racist. I love ya but come on...”

“I apologize for hurting your feelings, Boulder,” Rarity said, bowing her head slightly. “I will work harder in the future to avoid saying any rockphobic microaggressions.”

“Boulder accepts your apology.” Maud said, draining the rest of her coffee. “He understands that you're simply unaccustomed to the social graces concerning rocks. As are a lot of ponies. It's a real shame, but it's part of the steps towards a brighter future for ponies and rocks to live together in harmony.”

Twilight was too busy fighting her oncoming headache to notice Applejack join their ranks, accompanied by Starlight. Both were wearing saddlebags full of kite flying apparati. Apparatuses. Kite flying stuff.

“Howdy.”

“Hey girls.” Starlight glanced at the table. “Boulder.”

Boulder did not say anything. He was a rock. Everyoony knew that rocks don't talk.

“Boulder says hello,” Maud translated. “And asks if you two had fun.

“Did we ever!?” Starlight exclaimed, clopping her front hooves on the ground. “We had some class 3 thermal updrafts on the east side of town. It was super awesome. It's a shame the rest of you were too busy, you missed out on a great time.”

“Yeah, maybe next time, Star,” Rainbow said, stretching her wings. “If you give me a little more warning I could set up some class 4s for you. It’d be on the west side near my house but it wouldn't be any trouble.”

“That would be great, Rainbow!”

“Ah didn't know kite flying took so much work, if ah do say so myself.” Applejack turned to give a sad, pitying look to the crumpled mess in her pocket.

“It'll just take time and practice,” Starlight encouraged. “Like magic, like applebucking, like flying, like sewing, like... whatever it is that Pinkie Pie does.”

“Warping the fabric of reality!”

Starlight blinked. “Yeah, that.”

“Boulder, please,” Maud interjected, gazing down at the impatient rock. “You'll get your turn to speak in a minute.”

“Oh yeah, what’d little Bouldy wanna talk about?” Rainbow asked, stretching a primary feather over to give him the rock version of a noogie. “Did our favorite little rock get himself a girlfriend like his favorite pegasus? ...besides Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy grinned at this.

“Actually,” Maud replied. “It's not that exactly. But it's in the ballpark. Boulder, do you wanna do the honors?”

The ponies all fell silent.

Pinkie gasped. “Oh my goodness, that's great news!” She leaned in towards Maud. “What did he say? We can't speak rock.”

Twilight quietly facehoofed.

“He said that he did some genetic testing recently and he found out who his parents are.”

Twilight slowly removed her hoof from her face as the ponies around her cheered for him. She looked around the room in confusion as some of the other patrons of the Corner raised their glasses in toast.

“Well that's awesome!” Rainbow cried. “I think this calls for a round of drinks for everypony.” She felt around her coat for a few moments. “Never mind, I left my wallet in my other pants.”

“If a pony wore pants...” Pinkie whispered. “Would she wear it like this, or like-” then suddenly at a normal volume. “Twi-Twi, are you okay?”

“Rainbow Dash,” Twilight exclaimed, frustrated. “You have never worn pants in the entire time I've known you!”

Rainbow shrugged. “You don't see me twenty four hours a day.”

“Oh, that is a most excellent point, love!” Rarity said, kissing her cheek. “You can be most intelligent when you really want to.”

“Aw, thanks babe,” she said, standing taller with pride. “I guess I’ve got a dash of brains hidden underneath all this awesome.”

“Boulder would really like to let you all know who his parents are.” Maud said.

“Yeah everypony,” Pinkie interjected. “Let's all listen to what Maud says that Boulder says.”

Twilight inaudibly huffed as they all fell silent.

“As it turns out,” Maud declared with the ghost of showboating that could very well have been a grim tome of a foreboding omen. “You all have already met both of his parents.”

“Oh, wonderful!” Rarity trilled. “Do tell!”

“In fact,” Maud continued, pointing to the door. “I already invited his father.”

The girls all turned in their chairs to see the all too familiar arrival of someone they hadn't seen in quite some time. They all gasped, except for Starlight.

“That's a rock,” she said. “Honestly that's like the least surprising thing it could have possibly been.”

“That's not just any rock,” Rarity said, getting out of her chair. “Oh my Celestia...”

“Hey, Tommy!” Rainbow called, waving over the boulder standing outside the door. “Come on in here, buddy! We haven't seen you in ages!”

He didn't move. He was a rock. Everypony knew that rocks don't movie.

The girls all slowly swiveled their heads to meet Twilight, whose brain was currently struggling to keep up with the last few moments.

“What?” She asked, upon noticing their stares. “Yeah, it’s Tom. I guess. Somehow. I'm sure that makes sense to somepony somewhere.”

Rainbow leaned in to her. “Come on, Twi, you're the only one strong enough to move him in here. It's really rude.”

“What!?” She yelped. “Tom is a rock! A rock, Rainbow Dash. He. Is. A. Rock.”

“Well duh,” Rainbow said, rolling her eyes. “Rocks are heavy. Just telekinesis him over here so he can see his son. If you couldn't move by yourself would you wanna just sit on the other side of a door unable to see your kids?”

Twilight began to dig her hoof into her brow. “Okay,” she conceded, first opening the door then carrying Tom into the building. “He can walk to the door but can't open the door, that's fine, that makes sense. He has no legs but that makes sense. Tom!” She cried, plopping him down next to her. “What a pleasant surprise seeing you here!”

Tom didn't say anything because he is a rock.

Everypony knew that rocks don't talk.

Maud nudged Boulder over the table. “Twilight,” she said. “Or Rarity, will one of you levitate him to his dad?”

Twilight reacted before her brain had the chance to think about what she was doing, and she placed Boulder on top of Tom. And then her soul left her body.

“Awww...” everyone including Rainbow muttered.

Pinkie started sobbing, then she pulled out a handkerchief and blew her nose quite loudly.

“Adorable.” Twilight said, sighing. Then she turned to Maud. “So if Tom is the father then who’s the lucky lady rock who won his heart?”

Maud blinked. “There is no lady rock.”

“Of course, agametic reproduction... why would it be anything else.”

“Heh,” Rainbow chuckled. “I guess you can say that Boulder is a...” she paused to put in a pair of sunglasses she pulled from... somewhere. “Chip off the old rock.”

“Yeah!” Pinkie cried, before she burst out laughing. “Good one, Dashie!”

“Oh, that pun you recognized...” Twilight darkly muttered to herself. She mentally cleared a block in her free time for a very long bubble bath. She would need it after this whole situation.

“Actually, Twilight,” Maud said, making the alicorn’s heart sink. “There is no lady rock because Boulder is only half rock. He’s half pony too.”

“WHAT!?” She shrieked, a strand of hair separating itself from her mane. “That... that... that isn't possible.”

“Twilight!” Pinkie gasped. “How can you say that's impossible when a living breathing half pony half rock is sitting right there in plain sight, having an emotional reunion with his father?”

“BOULDER DOES NOT BREATHE. HE IS A ROCK.”

“That isn't his fault, Twilight!” Fluttershy sternly lectured. Or at least, Twilight could recognize the tone well. “Don't blame his biology for what he can and can't do.”

Twilight sputtered before slumping her shoulders. “I'm sorry Fluttershy.”

“I'm not the one you should apologize to.”

Twilight grunted. “I’m sorry Boulder.”

“You offended Tom as well,” Maud reminded.

“I'm. Sorry. Tom.”

“Boulder and Tom accept your apology.”

“Wonderful!” Twilight spit. “I'd hate to know that I offended the rocks.”

“Yo, Twilight, you feeling okay?” Rainbow asked. “You seem tense. You want me to get you a cloud to nap on or something? Did you sleep last night?”

“I slept fine!” Twilight snapped. “Maud, would you mind telling us who Boulder’s mother is?”

“I feel like it's Boulder’s choice when he tells you,” she answered, shrugging. “Isn't that right, Boulder?”

Boulder said nothing. You know the rest.

“Go whenever you're ready, Boulder.”

Boulder continued to say nothing.

Maud’s eyebrows rose by a fraction of a millimeter. “Oh.” She said. “That's unexpected.”

“What?” Applejack asked, leaning in. “Who’s his mama?”

“Wow this is tense!” Starlight loudly whispered. “I wish I had some popcorn. I usually always have a bag with me for exactly this type of situation.”

Boulder said nothing.

“The mother...” Maud said, before zeroing her eyes in on Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow blinked. “Yeah?”

Maud blinked.

Rainbow blinked.

Maud blinked.

“No.” Twilight said. “No. No. No. No. No.”

“...is Rainbow Dash.” Maud finally finished.

“NO!” Twilight screamed, eyes burning with righteous fury. “NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.”

“Oh man...” Rainbow muttered before guiltily looking at Tom. “That night, you... didn't use protection?”

“NO!” Twilight screamed again, her mane and tail catching fire as she ground her teeth.

“Rainbow!” Rarity gasped, putting a hoof to her lips in shock. “When did you and Tom have sex?”

“It was after you broke up with him,” Rainbow swore. “And before we got together. I swear. It was just a one time only thing, it didn't mean anything to me!” A moment of silence passed before she turned to Tom. “I'm sorry man but you're not my type. I like my lovers soft, not rock hard.”

“What was the pregnancy like?” Pinkie asked.

“It really wasn't bad at all,” Rainbow confessed, rubbing the back of her head. “Bouldy really wasn't that big when he was born.”

“I’M GONNA LOSE MY MIND!” Twilight raged as she stormed around Sugarcube Corner. “THIS HAS GOT TO BE A JOKE!”

Rarity began to cry. “When I asked you how many ponies you were with before me...”

“He's not a pony, Rares!” Rainbow exclaimed, spreading out her wings and hooves. “I never lied to you, I swear!”

Tom said nothing.

“Pinkie,” Starlight said. “Do you sell popcorn?”

Pinkie pulled a bag out of her hair and slid it across the table. “Knock yourself out, filly.”

Applejack clapped the two lovers on the shoulders. “I wish you two the best through this, but I really gotta get back on the farm. Tom, nice to see you again. Boulder, glad to see you found your family. Girls, I’ll see y'all later.”

“HOW CAN YOU JUST CASUALLY WALK AWAY FROM THIS!?” Twilight screamed, eyes scarlet and coat white, wings flared wide. “PONIES AND ROCKS CANNOT BREED.”

“Okay, that's super racist, Twilight!” Pinkie exclaimed, indignantly stomping a hoof. “Consenting adults can do whatever they want to. What kind of Princess are you if you impose restrictions on who we’re allowed to love!?”

“Withholding information is still deceit!” Rarity defended, mascara running down her cheeks. “How can I look you in the eye again knowing you had sex with something I loved?”

“It was just meaningless sex!” Rainbow defended before Rarity went running out of the building, wailing all the way. “Aw, damn it. Hey, Tom, I gotta go, but I’ll be back later. And Bouldy, you know that both mommy and daddy love you, and just because we don't love each other doesn't mean that we don’t love you, right?”

“YOU DID NOT PROCREATE WITH A ROCK, RAINBOW DASH!” Twilight huffed. “IT IS A BIOLOGICAL IMPOSSIBILITY!”

“Look, Twilight,” Fluttershy murmured. “Just because you don't approve of rock-pony relationships doesn't mean that you can deny paternal rights to my best friend. Now if you'll excuse me,” she said, turning with a huff. “I've got to go and buy Rarity some more vanilla oat swirl.”

“Fluttershy-” Rainbow began to protest before she was shut down by The Stare.

“Rainbow, I love you, but right now Rarity needs a friend, and... and I don't think I can look you in the eye right now. You know how much Rarity loved Tom.”

“But I was drunk!” Rainbow defended. “And so was he!”

“ROCKS CANNOT BE INEBRIATED!”

“Much as I hate to agree with the rock racist,” Fluttershy said. “But she's right. Tom can't get drunk. He doesn't even have a mouth to get drunk with.”

“I AM NOT A ROCK RACIST!”

“That's just what a rock racist would say!” Pinkie screeched before turning to Maud. “Sis, I’ve gotta get back to work. I love you!”

“I love you too, Pinkie. Have a good time at work. Boulder, Tom, Rainbow Dash, let's go to a more open, accepting, and tolerant place.”

As Maud and the rocks began to migrate to the door, stopping Twilight dead in her furious pacing, Rainbow landed next to her.

“Dude, you really need a nap. My son is a rock, so you gotta back off on the rock racism, at least when you're around me, okay?” She clapped a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “I'll see ya around. We’re still on next week for Daring Do, right?”

“Yeah...” Twilight weakly muttered, stumbling her way towards the table. “See you around...”

Rainbow sighed before dejectedly taking flight out the doors.

Starlight continued to munch on her popcorn. “I'm so glad I know you girls. Oh man, my spa date with Trixie this afternoon is going to be so juicy!”

Twilight’s face slammed into the table.

“You okay, Twilight?”

Twilight didn't answer because she died from a violent brain aneurysm. Everypony knew that ponies who die from violent brain aneurysms don't talk.

Starlight shrugged. “Dibs on your room in the castle.”

/x/x/x/

Author's Note:

I don't even know what this is, okay. I slapped this together in an hour coasting by on the single hour I've had of sleep in the past two days in between working on seven other fics.

if anyone cares I'll write a clopfic of the one night stand between rainbow and Tom.

also this site needs tags for Tom and boulder, best characters.

Comments

[Natedogg2006]

Ok, that gets a like. I was laughing throughout while simultaneously waiting for some stinger about screwing with Twilight. Bravo

[Friendly Spartan IV]

If this fic were a person...

[MixMassBasher]

Meh. Some funny nonsense here

[Starlight Glimmer1]

And then Twilight woke up in her room and realized the whole thing was a crazy dream.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Sadly, this Twilight was from a much more serious story. The local one was currently in the middle of an Equestria-wide war and very confused aboit the whole thing.