The heathens’ all around us
I woke up at some time. Who knew when? I sure didn’t.
There was a dim recollection I had about the withholding of the track of time taking on a form of psychological torment. Not that I thought it was being done deliberately, of course, but still. I just assumed that I’d been up and around for four or so days, but that was just a guess. And before that unconscious and being looked after by Celestia for...how long?
Maybe I was losing my mind.
Then, given I spent my time now in the company of technicolour magical horse princesses I might have already lost it. Either way there wasn’t a whole lot I could do about it.
Best to just soldier on. No use lying in a tiny bed with my legs hanging out worrying about things beyond my ability to change.
Some time in the night I must have stripped down whilst asleep because I woke up nude. Little shocking, but hey, worse things had happened.
Rolling out of the bed - and missing the prodigious size of the one I’d been in before - I went and picked up my clothes, such as they were. Frowning, I gave the cloth a quick examine. I was going to need a new tablecloth soon, I reckoned. This one was starting to get a little, uh, rank.
Not that I was fussy. I’d take a curtain. I’m an easy man to please.
The odds of actual clothes seemed pretty long, obviously. Had I even seen anyone wearing trousers? At all? I didn’t think so. Maybe I just hadn’t been paying attention. But a fresh sheet couldn’t be beyond their means, I was sure.
All things in time.
When Twilight arrived to knock politely on the door I was decent again.
“You can come in, you won’t be horrified. Well, much,” I said.
Despite this she entered cautiously, keeping her eyes on the floor at first and then looking a little bashful over it when she finally looked up at me.
“Sorry,” she said, blushing.
“Given what happened last time I should probably be apologising to you. Forever. So let’s just start afresh, shall we?”
“Sounds good to me. Sleep well?”
I glanced back at the tiny bed. Comfortable, at least. And I was a big boy. I could curl up with the best of them.
“Very restful,” I said. This was true. I felt energised. And no dreams either which, given that whenever I had them they tended to be surreal and also include an uncomfortable conversation with Luna, was a definite plus.
“Good!” She said. “Was there anything special you wanted to do today?”
“Me? No. I am recuperating and I am also in your capable hands. Hooves, fuck. Sorry. Terminology. But yes, I defer to you. You know the area, is there anything special you think I should be doing?”
Twilight considered this, tapping a hoof to her chin.
“We could have breakfast out, if you like? You can meet a friend,” she said.
A fine offer.
You know, all things considered my life wasn’t going terribly, actually.
“Uh, sure, if that’s not going out of your way?”
Twilight beamed, again doing so with such force she closed her eyes. A full-face, top-to-bottom sort of a smile. Goddamn ponies. So Goddamn cute. One day I was going to do something I’d regret, I was sure of it. Like say ‘Aww’ to their faces.
“It’s not a problem! Kind of a treat for me, really. Well, another one, after last night,” she said. Referring to the cupcakes, I presumed. She could probably get away with two treats. I’d let her. Even if the things were enormous. Maybe breakfast would be something more modest.
“Then by all means, let’s treat ourselves. Well, you treat me. I can’t really treat anyone. Mostly just a millstone being passed around from neck to neck.”
“Now, don’t say things like that. You’re nice to have around and you’re our guest and that’s all you need to worry about. Celestia said I had to make sure you weren’t too down on yourself.”
“She did?” I asked. Twilight nodded.
The firm hand - er, hoof, fuck, again - of Celestia even now being felt. Kind of. Nice of her to have been thinking of my wellbeing, even if the thought of not being horribly self-deprecating made my skin crawl. She was just so nice to me.
I wondered what Celestia was doing for breakfast…
Shaking my head to clear away that useless bit of daydreaming I asked:
“What time is it? Just to ask?”
I don’t know what Twilight checked but it seemed to give her the answer.
“Little before nine. Why?”
“Just curious. Sounds a good time for breakfast for me.”
Gives me an idea, at least. And so off we went.
At the very least I’d been right about one thing: sleeping on it had made me feel infinitely better about going out amongst the ponies. Most of those that were up and awake did still stare, yes, but a few also didn’t and a handful seemed content to glance before getting on without whatever they were doing.
I waved. One pony - who was tiny, so I figured may have been a pony-child - waved back, at least until their parent stopped them. Well, I tried.
“So what constitutes a treat breakfast around here?” I asked Twilight, waving again to another pony who’d just leant out of a window. They lent back in again and shut it. Wasn’t going to stop me trying so joke’s on you, pony!
“Sugarcube Corner. My friend Pinkie works there. Seems as good a place to start introducing you as any, although, given there were three cupcakes yesterday I have a feeling she somehow knew you were here already…”
“‘Sugarcube Corner’?” I repeated.
“Uh huh,” said Twilight.
Sounded twee, but appropriate. She then pointed it out to me, as it was up ahead.
The place looked like a frosted gingerbread nightmare, which for a bakery I supposed counted as theming? Someone had also seen fit to plonk what appeared to be a cupcake-shaped extension on top. Who was I to judge?
“Subtle,” I said, limping ahead of Twilight in time to get the door for her. Habit. She seemed thankful enough. I just prefer to bring up the rear.
Wait, no, ew.
The inside was slightly more subdued, for which I was thankful. The smell of baking was enough to instantly make me want to forgive just about anything about the place. Some tables had been set up in the larger, emptier, customerier part of the insides and some of these tables were occupied. There was a small queue of bleary-eyed ponies lined up in front of a counter, and behind the counter an exceptionally pink pony who made me feel exhausted just from glancing.
She appeared to be hopping?
Twilight and I joined the queue, something which just felt natural and right to me. Those in it either didn’t mind us doing this or did, saw me and were mildly alarmed for a moment before seeing I wasn’t going to do anything, at which point they just became mildly worried instead. Those already sat at tables became noticeably more quiet, but that was their problem.
And there in the queue we stood, shuffling forward with pleasing rapidity until we’d reached the front, whereupon the pink one gasped.
“Twilight! I didn’t see you come in!”
How? How had she not? I standing next to her! Me! A three-times-her-size obelisk of oddity and unusualness. Then again, good she was concentrating on her job.
Twilight looked set to reply but then the pink one locked eyes onto me. I froze.
Something was about to happen. I could feel it.
With alarming acrobatic ability she hopped up and landed on the counter, which struck me as unsanitary. From this lofty perch she looked me up from bottom to top, one eye closed, the other beady. I stood and let this happen, as seemed polite.
“You!” She said, pointing. “You’re new!”
Well she wasn’t wrong, I guess.
Before I’d had a chance to properly appreciate this she’d transferred from the counter and onto me, winding first down around my left leg then up my right, over my hip past my belly, over my shoulder and then back down again.
This took seconds, by the way, and at no-point did she stop talking. If anything, she started talking faster.
I think there might have been words in it? If there were I couldn’t pick them out. Had I been able to sit down and concentrate I might have been able to parse it, but as she was climbing me like a Goddamn tree I didn’t really have the opportunity.
“You’re all over me!” I said, and she really was!
“There’s just so much of you!” She said, slithering across my front in defiance of reason itself, coming in under my arm and then seeming to disappear completely. I could no longer feel her weight on me. I turned, and saw nothing. The expressions of those watching - which, to my surprise, wasn’t everyone - told me nothing.
I’d lost track of her.
Then, slowly, a beaming pink face lowered into my vision from above. Upside-down.
“You have excellent balance,” I said, nose-to-nose with her.
By contrast I did not, and my gammy leg chose this moment to demonstrate this. Having stood as still as possible to provide the best climbing frame I could was clearly more intensive than I would have thought, because what had started out as a twinge became in moments an obvious prelude to giving way.
I was going to fall over. A-fucking-gain.
Unwilling to properly timber it in such a crowded place and definitely unwilling to squash poor Pinkie I instead executed a very elegant - I think - twist on the spot on my remaining good leg, slammed myself back into the nearest wall and then slid to the floor.
This resulted in maybe making the building shake a little, Pinkie dropping from my head and into my arms and alarming everyone present, but kept anyone from being flattened or any tables from being upset.
A win, in my book.
Pinkie looked stunned, which was probably the least-active I’d seen her in the small time I’d known her. Apparently I’d succeeded in taking her off-guard. Though this didn’t last, and barely a second later she blinked and those vast blue eyes stopped staring into space and swivelled my way.
“Oh my gosh,” she breathed, far quieter than I would have expected possible, making it my turn to be stunned. “Are you okay?”
“You’re quite squidgy, anyone ever told you that? Wait, no, cuddly. That’s the word. Cuddly,” I said. Should probably have thought of that one before actually saying it, in retrospect, but Pinkie didn’t seem to mind, wiggling around and giggling.
Ponies giggling, man. Fucks me up. I’d let ‘em get away with anything. I gave Pinke a pat on the head and her giggling got even less constrained, devolving into snorting as she twisted to try and get more comfortable in my grasp.
One would have thought she’d want out, but what do I know?
Twilight appeared, making me jump. In all the excitement I’d quite forgotten she was there.
“Are you alright? That keeps happening,” she said, concerned, eyeing me
“Yeah, my bad. Leg’s kind of janky. It’ll sort itself out,” I said, shifting my arms to better support Pinkie’s weight. From the looks of things she appeared to have gone to sleep, though she might just have closed her eyes.
I couldn’t look too long. I might have died.
“What was with the twist?” Twilight asked, describing a little circle in midair with her hoof. Something about this gesture tickled me greatly.
“Well I didn’t want to fall flat, did I? Would have taken out half the shop,” I said, nodding towards the table and customers.
Twilight looked over the extent of me, seeming to remember that I was tall and gangly.
“Do you need a hand up?” She asked.
“I can manage, it’s just your friend has kind of latched onto me here,” I said, this time nodding downwards. Ah, the nod. So useful.
Twilight rolled her eyes.
“Pinkie, let him get up.”
“But he’s warm!” She wailed, attempting to burrow deeper into me.
This got odd pretty fast. I’d probably been called worse things than warm in my life. Probably just as well I couldn’t remember any of them.
“Aren’t you supposed to be working?” Twilight asked, squinting in disapproval.
With obvious, grumbling reluctance Pinkie dismounted and I hauled myself back up, bracing against the wall for support and then letting my left leg take the weight.
“Uh, sorry about that, you lot,” I said, seeing that one or two of the customers were still eyeing me. There came back from the cafe in general a kind of mumbled ‘it’s alright’, which was something, I supposed.
“Do you need to sit down?” Twilight asked, moving halfway towards the closest table. I shook my head.
“Nah, I’ll be fine. These things happen. Just-”
I tried to take a step, tentatively. I could tell at once that it was not going to be happening, not right then. Maybe soon, but not right then.
“Uh, actually maybe sitting for a minute wouldn’t be a terrible idea,” I said.
What followed was a patently undignified hop over to the table, after which further dignity was bled away as I struggled to lower myself into a chair that was far too small anyway.
Really, at this point, why should I even care?
“I’ll get something for us. Do you like coffee?” She asked.
“I do but, uh, tea is probably more my speed. If you guys have any. In fact don’t worry. Water’s fine. Maybe some crusts if they have any.”
Twilight ignored this. I wondered if she got that from Celestia, or if she’d always been like that. Hadn’t she been a student?
“What kind of tea?”
“Do you guys have any English breakfa- you know, I don’t even know why I bothered asking that. Just your most regular tea, please. That’ll sort me out.”
Well at least I remembered about tea, I guess.
“Alright, just sit. I’ll be back.”
More waiting followed as I sat and felt just a touch sorry for myself. More than that though I felt annoyed at myself. Irritating leg. Get better quicker so I can stop falling over and causing problems.
I also, briefly, considered what might have happened if I’d just fallen over flat. I doubted the results would have been pretty. Upset tables, for one, upset customers for another. And what’s worse, a possibly squashed Pinkie!
Looking at the pink one again I dreaded the very idea. What sort of world would it be where she was flattened? No world I wanted a hand in making, that was for sure. She was adorable!
They were all so fucking adorable!
And Pinkie had been very cuddly. Ponies really were quite touchy-feely, weren’t they? And while Celestia had had this lovely, big, reassuring, warm presence to her Pinke had been all tiny and bundle-sized with a kind of pleasant heft that filled the arms. I started to wonder what Twilight might be like to cuddle before realising with an ice-cold spike of dread that my mind was wandering into places it really shouldn’t.
Respect, man, respect! They’re cute but they’re people! If they want to crawl all over you and fall into your arms or do weird pouncing things where they end up pinning you to the floor then that’s fine, that’s their lookout, but don’t you go all misty-eyed thinking about it.
Wait, that’s a really weird double-standard you got going for yourself there, you know?
Twilight came back before I could descend further down that particular hole, and for this I was grateful.
She did look soft…
No! Drink your tea! What the hell is wrong with you!
“Ah, thank you,” I said, taking the tea once Twilight had set it all down and having a sip. This burnt my tongue, but I hid this well.
“So that’s Pinkie,” Twilight said, settling herself in on the chair opposite. “I probably should have warned you better.”
“Why?” I asked, genuinely curious.
“A lot of ponies can sometimes find her a little...overwhelming.”
“Eh, I’ll admit I perhaps wasn’t expecting, well, any of it really, but worse things have happened. She seems friendly enough.”
I waved at Pinkie. She waved back! Success! My trying paid off!
“Did she actually introduce herself to me at any point during all that?” I asked, thinking back.
“It might have been just before she sat on your head. You might have missed it.”
“I think I must have.”
Waiting for my tea to cool I turned my attention to the actual breakfasts. Baked goods of some kind! Appeared to be danish pastries or whatever those things are. Big whirls with icing and such. I probably got the name wrong.
These were also huge. I wasn’t even sure where I was supposed to start. Though I’d need a mattock just to get things going.
“About your leg…” Twilight said.
Ugh. Serious business.
“It’s fine, really. It’s getting better. I could go right now, if we needed to.”
Just lucky that we didn’t because this was a lie and I doubted I’d be getting up for a hot minute.
Twilight held her hooves up defensively.
“I believe you, just, ah, would you maybe like something to help you get around if it gets ‘janky’ again? Just to be on the safe side?”
Her interest in my welfare was, as with Celestia’s, obviously and overwhelming sincere. So much so I couldn’t even deny her. I just felt compelled to let them care about me. It was distinctly unnatural to me.
“Anything but another wheelchair. How’d you think I got this?” I said, pointing to my eye. Hopefully this would raise more questions than it answered.
“Uh…” Twilight said, unsure where to go from there. I decided to help her out.
“It’s fine, really. A stick or something would help, I guess, but really it’s fine. This’ll clear up soon enough I’m sure. Probably sat on it funny on the ride here or slept on it funny or something.”
Even I wasn’t convinced by this.
“I’ll see what I can do,” Twilight said, getting started on her own breakfast. I watched her, hoping I might see some techniques for mine, but I learnt little. Eventually I just resorted to tearing out fistful of the thing and even then could only manage about half. On the plus side it was bloody delicious - kudos to the baker, says I.
“Are you not going to finish that?” Twilight asked as I slumped back, defeated. Stuffed beyond the immediate capacity for rational response I waved a hand and shook my head.
There was a pink blur and the remains of my breakfast vanished from their plate. I blinked. Behind the counter Pinkie now appeared to be chewing something of such size her whole head distended. This was alarming, and took me a few seconds to piece together.
“Aren’t you worried about my freakish, alien germs?” I asked loudly over the hubbub, causing those sitting nearest to scoot away.
Another pink blur and then there was my breakfast again, this time glazed with something that was not icing.
“Well I’m not finishing it now,” I said to Twilight, who looked disgusted.
“Psst,” Pinkie hissed, appearing from behind me out of thin fucking air and making me jump nearly out of my seat. “Do you really have freakish alien germs?”
“Maybe? Probably?”
I mean, I should, right?
“Will I become super-big like you?” Pinkie asked, surreptitiously, eyes whizzing from side to side as though enemies were everywhere. I looked to Twilight for help. She could give me none.
“Could happen?” I proffered.
Pinkie’s eyes whizzed some more.
“We’ll discuss this later,” she said, sidling away from me in one direction before appearing in an entirely different direction as though she’d come from the other side completely.
My brain fizzed.
“Is, uh, is that the sort of thing people aren’t usually prepared for?” I asked Twilight.
“Your tea’s getting cold,” she said, in lieu of giving me a proper answer.
Probably best left alone.
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9345546
You know it took me a second to twig that that was the Solaire thingy. I'm slow today.
no idea what a "twee" is
"mind us"?
Loving this so far.
9346260
And you guys are giving me bad habits. Correcting typos, putting in missing words...
What'll I do next? Proofread? Edit?!
9346267
I will add it to words I will use to confuse people list.
Stands to reason. If Pinkie keeps jumping on people, she's eventually going to find someone who can't handle the weight.
9346289
Well normally he'd probably be pretty steady. Just not right now, unfortunatelty.
A prime pronking pink party pony portrayal.
9346299
Ah, good. I do worry about these sort of things...
9346303
Honestly, as long as you avoid the manic-sugar-fiend-kid-sister-to-Deadpool-elder-thing stereotype, you're doing pretty good.
9346312
As long as I manage Pinkie even an eigth of how lovely she is in You're Getting Better I will be content.
what
9346331
It's like none of you are English.
9346333
i'm american
9346337
And thus deprived of twee
9346339
Its a sad life sadly
I really liked how you handled Pinkie. She's fun and quirky but not in the annoying "lol random" way that some writers tend to portray her as.
9346339
Sadly, we are deprived of the word, but not the condition it refers to. If you doubt me, go watch 99% of 1980's cartoons aimed at either girls or the under 8 yr old crowd.
This was a very satisfying and energetic Pinkie Pie without being obnoxious.
9346312 exactly so.
9346303 she is a challenge for sure.
I wouldn’t have figured it would be called English breakfast tea by someone from the UK. I just always assumed the English part was added for differentiation out of country.
9346725
Surprisingly it is usually called that here. To help tourists? Because there is just so much tea? Who can say.
9346337
media.giphy.com/media/5kFyJ0H0bsV9gEjKbw/giphy.gif
9346746
I’m sure an expert on the history of tea could make a guess. And like many experts of the obscure I am sure it would take more effort to find them than the actual answer.
9346746
ironically it got that name because a American sold it in the USA as a gimmick to make it sound fancy as a brand some was brought back to the uk and sold in Scotland as breakfast tea was liked by queen victoria so it became english breakfast tea, the name stuck after that
9346317
Well I for one think you did a damn fine job with Ponkers.
9346317
Oof, that's a damned high bar you're looking at. Otherwise, I think this Pinkie is a fine example of proper pronking and pronunciation. As for weird, alien, and possibly mutating, germs... I have a feeling Twilight already knows there's nothing of the sort if he's been with Celestia for almost a week already and nopony in Canterlot got so much as a runny nose.
I am surprised he managed to resist the cuteness. He is apparently made of sterner stuff. No matter! There is still four more ponies to tempt him! Question is; who will he meet next? This is assuming the moment he steps out on the town (hamlet?) he's not viciously accosted by Rarity for the affront of using a tablecloth, a royal tablecloth, for mere clothing and forced at
gunpoint-er, horn to wear proper shirt and pants-- or at least the pants because his junk would be hangin' out there... just sayin'. (Fashion trends are strange enough that no one would bat an eyelash if a next hot fad was tablecloths and/or curtains because Celestia made it. It's happened here before)On a more serious note, his "janky" leg worries me. Has nopony done an x-ray (or whatever the magic equivalent is) to see if it was broken, fractured, or the joints screwed up? Yes yes, he's a guy and big boys don't admit to pain or that they might need actual licensed medical attention since the bone isn't plainly sticking out of the leg itself. Personally, I'd avoid the hospital only because I know how much into debt it would put me but then Equestria apparently has some sorta universal health service since no one ever gets a bill or pays one in Ponyville. Huh.
p.s. If I had an armful of cuddly pony, I'd never want to give her up.
Cute cuddly people!
I adore this story.
Overdone, i'd say. Jumping on someone and craeling all over them is less friendly and more invasive. Especially when it makes someone collapse. And what's with this "oh its totally not bad at all" thing he has going? He's hurt, he shoukd look after his injuries instead of ignoring them until they go bad.
9346990
I clicked the second link.
I'm not sure if I expected anything else.
Thou art unfairly harsh upon thyself.
This Pinkie is the bestest Pinkie.
9346333
Funny. I'm not english-native. But I understood that.
`“Do you need a hand up?” She asked.`
Twilight got used to human terminology quick.
9347372
She's smart!
Is my excuse...
Hmm, okay, so we know he's definitely British, that's something.
"Did you take an arrow to the knee?"
I felt something... a disturbance... as though a million Internet trolls giggled simultaneously... and were never silenced.
Wait... what was an 'Internet'? And why were trolls on it?!
You cannot resist the cuteness forever.
Yes, the cuteneds is coming through the words on my screen to squeeze my heart.
Do not underestimate Ponk. She has survived several flattenings.
Throw away your misguided thoughts and give in to the desire! Celedtia knows how many people would give anyything to be in your place, though without the memory loss.
Resistance is futile.
Yes, for down that path lays madness.
probably not American, we have a tendency to throw it into harbors
Hmm.
9350679
Hmm.
I like your pinkie pie.
Not from just consuming his saliva, Pinkie. You gotta pump him full of radiation, then let him bite you.
9636459
Sounds legit
Hoof up?
9346990
The Rick roll, really?
Don't think this is supposed to be here... unless Lyra suddenly appeared.