The Karma Police
Fluttershy hurried towards her door as the pony on the other side continued to hammer on it. With a slight blush, Fluttershy greeted the pony: a tall delivery mare in a blue uniform with a long wispy mane and tail. Slung around her back was a brown sack jampacked with small rectangular objects.
The mailmare glanced at her clipboard. “Flutter… cry?”
Fluttershy giggled timidly. “Actually, it’s Flutter—”
But the mailmare didn’t let her finish. Instead, she shoved one of her brown boxes straight into Fluttershy’s chest, knocking her off-balance.
“Close enough,” she said flatly. “Here’s your package. Sign here, please.”
The package against Fluttershy’s chest was replaced with a clipboard and pencil.
Once Fluttershy signed, the mailmare turned and took a step away, before halting. She kept her back to Fluttershy. “By the way… you hear the rumor floating around Ponyville lately?”
Fluttershy furrowed her brows. “That Mayor Mare won’t be running for re-election?”
“No. The other rumor.”
“That strawberries are better than blueberries?”
“You really don’t hear much of anything living out here, do you?” the mailmare hissed, before spinning back towards her. “No! I mean about the timely return of Queen Chrysalis?”
Fluttershy jolted with a squeak. “Queen Chrysalis!? She’s back!?”
The mailmare cracked the smallest of smirks. “That’s the rumor, at least.” Out of her sack, she pulled out a small black notebook and quill. “Any thoughts on such an event? Should such a terrible thing occur?”
Gulping dryly, Fluttershy answered, “N-no, not really. Besides the loud voice in my head telling me to run-run-run-run-run and never look back!” She paused to take a breath. “After checking on the wellbeing of my family, friends, and animals, of course.”
The mailmare’s upper lip curled. “Sweet to a fault, I see. But just what could Queen Chrysalis be planning, I wonder? Hmm. Just what nefarious scheme could she try now that she’s never tried before? One that could possibly work in her favor? Such interesting questions these are. Care to comment? In detail perhaps?” She lifted her notebook up, quill poised to strike.
What Fluttershy said next sent a shiver down the pegasus’ spine. “I’ve never told anyone this before… but… I once had a nightmare involving Queen Chrysalis.”
The mailmare leaned it closer, narrowing her gaze. “You don’t say. And just what did that nasty Queen do next? Impersonate someone close to you? Make your deepest fears a reality?”
Fluttershy sniffled softly. “No. She just sat in my house.”
“Okay.”
“And she wouldn’t leave.”
“Anything else?”
“And she kept on eating all my food and never cleaning up after herself! I couldn’t have any company over because she was always snacking on the couch and getting crumbs everywhere…”
The mailmare pursed her lips. “This doesn’t quite sound like the Queen Chrysalis I know. She didn’t have anything… grander to do in this ‘nightmare’ of yours? World ending-type things? Town enslaving-type things? Fiancé stealing sort of stuff?”
Fluttershy shook her head. “You don’t think that dream has anything to do with my relationship with Angel Bunny, do you? Because now that I think about it…”
The mailmare shut her notebook with a snap. “I don’t know who that is. And you’re not being as helpful as I’d hoped. Enjoy your package. Good day!”
Without another word, the mailmare trotted in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres, leaving Fluttershy alone with her new package. And with Twilight Sparkle, of course, who had been patiently waiting for her to return to the living room.
Once inside, Fluttershy closed the door, holding her package close. “That was—”
“The mailmare, yes,” Twilight finished for her, quickly crossing the room to take the package. She eyed the wrapped box quizzically. “Although, I don’t honestly believe that was a real Ponyville mailmare. Not even close.”
Fluttershy’s pupils shrunk. “What do you mean, Twilight? I know I haven’t seen that particular mare around before, but she had the uniform of a mailmare and everything. Even the cold, bitter personality of most delivery service ponies.”
After studying the package for a moment, Twilight snorted. “I’ll tell you how I know. For starters, there’s no return address on this thing. And for another, she didn’t even get your name right.”
Fluttershy stood by Twilight’s side. “What do you mean?”
Twilight pointed to the label on the box. It read:
“TO: THE YELLOW AND PINK ONE
FROM: THE KARMA POLICE”.
“That’s unnerving,” Fluttershy admitted.
Twilight raised a brow. “Yet still not as unnerving as that mailmare’s nametag. Did you catch what she’s called herself?”
“Umm… no. I was a little too busy remembering nightmares to look.”
“It said her name was Autumn Harvest,” Twilight explained, pacing along the carpet in thought. “Not only it is an oversimplified pony name, but it is a curious one at that. ‘Autumn’ could easily be swapped to ‘Fall’. And ‘Harvest’? Doesn’t that rhyme with ‘Hardest’? So that would make her ‘Fall Hardest’! As in a pony that’s fallen on hard times and is desperately trying to claw her way back up! Now it all makes sense!” She paused. “At least to me it does!”
Fluttershy gasped. “Holey t-shirt, Twilight!”
“What is it, Fluttershy? Did you just come to that conclusion, too?”
Fluttershy shut her eyes to try and recall. “The mailmare’s uniform had holes on the back! Two of them!”
Twilight tapped on her chin. “For wings.”
“But she didn’t have any wings.”
“Then she must’ve stolen the uniform. Another clue proving that it’s Chrysalis! But for now… let’s see if we can gather more information from the package she gave you.”
In case of traps or explosives, the two of them went outside to open the box. Inside was peanuts. Not packing peanuts, but real peanuts, for some reason. As well as one more item.
“It’s a shirt,” Twilight said, taking the object out with her aura. On the t-shirt’s front were two words.
“I SUCK,” Twilight read, rolling her eyes. “A little juvenile, even for Chrysalis.”
“There’s more on the back,” Fluttershy said.
“AT BEING DEFEATED,” Twilight finished flatly, shaking her head. “And now I can’t even tell if that’s supposed to be an insult or what.”
After a moment’s silence, Twilight sheepishly shoved the shirt inside her saddlebag.
“Regardless, I’m keeping this.”
***
Having missed the disguised Queen’s visit to Applejack’s farm, Twilight hurried first to Rarity’s boutique before deciding she’d head to Sugarcube Corner next. Thankfully, that’s where she found Chrysalis, currently locked in a heated discussion with Pinkie Pie about how much fun packages were before you opened them.
“Is it tickets to an amusement park?” Pinkie Pie asked sweetly.
Chrysalis, still in her mailmare guise, shoved the package towards Pinkie. “Why don’t you open it and find out?”
Pinkie shoved it right back. “Is it a new bowling ball, perhaps? A purple cloud that rains breath mints on ponies with bad breath? That stick of butter I borrowed Rarity yesterday? Ha! I just love guessing! I could do this all day!”
Chrysalis growled deep in her throat, green fire flickering in her eyes.
While they clashed, Twilight stood behind a shelf of multicolored gumdrops and muttered out, “Careful… careful…” as she used her aura to slowly reach inside Chrysalis’ sack and retrieve her black notebook.
Once in her hooves, Twilight flipped through it as fast as she could and came upon “Applejack’s” section near the front. In the top left corner of the page was a crude illustration of Applejack—her trademark cowboy hat six times larger than normal, causing the much smaller Applejack underneath it to be crushed cartoonish-like, leaving her with Xs for eyes.
Underneath that was a short list of “revenge ideas” Chrysalis must’ve snagged while speaking with Applejack.
“1. Poison town’s apple cider supply
2. Impersonate Mayor Mare and systematically take over town
3. Poison town’s applesauce supply
4. Spread false information and start underground uprising
5. Poison town’s apple pie supply
6. Poison town’s apple fritter supply
7. Poison town’s apple turnover supply
8. Poison town’s apple jam sup—
STOP MENTIONING APPLES ALREADY AND TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD DO!!!”
Besides a series of quill scratches and stabs that went several pages deep, the notes abruptly ended there. Satisfied, Twilight sneakily returned the notebook to Chrysalis’ sack and watched as the ex-changeling Queen tried to pick Pinkie’s brain.
Pinkie whistled excitedly. “Queen Chrysalis might be back, you say? I always wondered what she’s been up to lately.”
“Oh?” Queen Chrysalis got her notebook and quill ready. “What do you think she’ll do this time around? You are a highly imaginative pony, are you not?”
Pinkie Pie giggled to herself. “I like to think I am! Although that doesn’t always work out too well. Like the time I put cooked macaroni inside macaroon cookies and tried selling them to Big Macintosh. Let’s just say it was two ‘macs’ too many.”
Chrysalis loudly cleared her throat in annoyance.
Pinkie pondered more. “You think Queen Chrysalis is back to takeover Sugarcube Corner?”
“Highly doubtful,” Chrysalis deadpanned.
Unperturbed, Pinkie held out both forelegs. “But imagine the horror she could cause! Every piece of candy goes up by three bits! Ponies in town can’t afford sweets anymore, meaning that ponies everywhere are reduced to eating celery sticks with peanut butter and super gross raisins on top! Imagine the fallout! Imagine the carnage! Happiness down by twelve-point-five percent across the land! Equestria-wide depression! Poor foals everywhere eating steamed broccoli with cheese sauce for dessert!”
Chrysalis sighed. She hadn’t written any of that down. “Any plans non-candy related?”
Pinkie Pie thought on that, blowing bubbles out of a curved pipe she’d grabbed out of her mane. “I dunno. Chrysalis could always block out the sun somehow… pretending to be Princess Celestia while blaming the whole thing on Princess Luna… and who knows? Maybe that starts a chain reaction that brings about the return of Nightmare Moon? That might work.”
In a frenzy of quill scratches, Chrysalis finished her notes and looked up at Pinkie again, a newfound expression of awe and joy on her face. “Hey! That’s not half bad, Bubble Gum Pony! Any other completely impossible, never gonna happen-type thoughts in that highly breakable head of yours?”
Again, Pinkie pondered. “I wonder if she’s ever heard of the Mirror Pool before?”
“She has not,” Chrysalis said, before biting her tongue. “Or… who knows? Why ask me? What’s the Mirror Pool do exactly? Asking for a friend.”
“It only duplicates ponies!” Pinkie told her excitedly. “Although, my one experience with the Mirror Pool ended rather poorly. But for someone like Chrysalis it might work.”
While jotting more notes, Chrysalis quietly murmured to herself, “What’s that? Over the horizon? Could it be one thousand Chrysalises? Oh, crap. We’d better retreat! Hey, wait! What’s that behind us? Another thousand Chrysalises? Looks like it’s time to kiss our pony butts goodbye!”
And then she laughed. And laughed.
And soon Pinkie joined in, too.
Chuckling still, Pinkie Pie said, “Pony butts are funny!” Then a new thought sobered her. “Hey! I wonder if Queen Chrysalis ever thought about impersonating Princess Cadence again? Imagine the trouble she could do now! Breaking up Shining Armor’s marriage! Ruling the Crystal Empire like a tyrant! Constantly forgetting Flurry Heart’s birthday!”
That last sentence made Chrysalis slam a hoof atop the counter. “Hey! Queen Chrysalis might be a little difficult sometimes, but she’s still far from a monster! I mean… what did that little baby even do to me to deserve something like that?” A pause. “To… Queen Chrysalis… to deserve something like that?”
Pinkie merely shrugged. “I dunno. I thought we were just spit balling here. Oh! I wonder if Chrysalis ever thought of poisoning the town’s caramel apple supply?”
Vigorously, Chrysalis rubbed at both temples. “What’s with you ponies and poisoning apple supplies? What fun would a town full of sick ponies be?”
Before Pinkie Pie could possible throw out anymore “golden” ideas, Twilight decided to make her move… by first teleporting outside the store before loudly rushing back in.
“Pinkie!” Twilight roared. “Have you heard the news?”
“That blueberries are better than strawberries?”
“No! That Queen Chrysalis might be back!”
“Oh.” Pinkie waved a hoof. “That. Yep. Heard alllllllll about it. Why you ask, Twilight?”
“Because what I’m about to say cannot leave this room.” Twilight leaned it close and lowered her voice. “And it has to stay between us, okay? And I guess this completely innocuous mailmare here.”
Chrysalis ran her eyes up and down Twilight Sparkle. She raised a curious brow and kept her notebook handy.
“Remember last week when I told the Elements of Harmony about my ‘Chrysalis is Victorious’ plan? The one plan in all of existence that would guarantee Chrysalis’ success?”
Pinkie Pie shook her head happily. “I don’t!”
“Then let me explain it all over again. In minute detail.”
While Twilight talked, Chrysalis wrote. And wrote and wrote and wrote some more. And when her quill finally broke, Twilight had another ready for her. As well as a fresh bottle of ink.
THREE WEEKS LATER
Autumn Harvest wiped the sweat off her brow as she hauled the last bucket of apples onto the cart. She then glanced back at the acres of freshly picked apples in Sweet Apple Acres with a smirk. Hard work, all right. Her muscles ached something fierce, but boy was it oddly satisfying.
While on a break, she sat down in the shade of the barn and flipped through her old notebook, crossing off Task No. 4,278 of her ultimate plan. She then set it aside before flinching.
One of her changeling children was standing right in front of her—one of the rare ones that hadn’t painfully betrayed her all those months ago.
“Greetings, Gary. I see you’ve remained undetected so far,” she greeted casually.
The changeling drone said not a word.
Chrysalis smiled. “Curious how my ultimate plan is coming along? I thought you would be. Simply put: it’s going marvelous. And to think it came right from Twilight Sparkle’s very own brain! Her own self-made downfall! How delicious!”
The changeling cocked his head to the side.
“You want details?” Chrysalis asked him. “Very well. I can’t see how it would hurt for you to know what I’m up to. Why… what I’m doing here is what’s known as the long game. Twice a week I work at Sweet Apples Acres, bucking apples and loading them. Two more days a week, I spend at Rarity’s boutique, helping with large orders and the like. And every Friday I work in Twilight’s library, organizing and cleaning and chasing down overdue books.”
The changeling blinked.
“What’s that?” Chrysalis asked. “Where does all the money go? Into my account at the local bank, of course. Then at night, I either return to my condo to quietly read or spend time with one of the new friends I’ve made in town.”
The changeling blinked again. Then scratched his side.
“What do we do, you ask? You know, the usual. Go out and share a meal. Catch a play. Watch a local band. Gather in a large crowd and yell about things. Truly, the details don’t matter when you’re playing the long game. All I know is that in twenty or thirty years from now, I’ll have enough money saved up to pay off my condo, retire with a nice nest egg, and go vacation whenever I please. And thus ends Queen Chrysalis’ ultimate revenge!”
The changeling stood motionless.
“Why do you keep staring at me like that?”
He remained that way.
“What do you mean that’s called a ‘normal life’?”
The changeling blushed, finally glancing away.
Chrysalis frowned. “Darn it! You’re right! That purple pony tricked me. Again! Trying to get me on the side of normal and good. But no more!” She held a hoof up triumphantly. “Once I give Applejack my two weeks notice, I shall leave this place and begin scheming anew!”
She glanced at the changeling.
“What’s that disapproving look for? I can’t just leave here without proper warning. She’d be severely understaffed!”
The changeling drone finally marched away from her.
“Fine! I’ll finish today’s shift and call it quits! Better?”
Chrysalis could only watch him trot away.
“You know, I could leave a whole lot earlier if you helped! Gary? Gary!? At least check out my condo before you judge! I’m in the middle of building a bookcase! It’s oddly satisfying!”
Once her drone was out of sight, Chrysalis angrily kicked at the grass.
Then a thought came to her. A most terrible one.
Two Chrysalises could finish a bookcase in no time at all.
“Gary! Wait! Any idea where this Mirror Pool thing is located?”
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He lives!
9291599
The end times are neigh!
A little silly fun.
Please make a sequel where chrysalis finds the mirror pool!
Okay, I know Chrysalis isn't that stupid, but dang, that was entertaining!
This story was really good - I was laughing out at Chrysalis' attempts at data mining.
Have a follow plus the fav and thumbs-up for that.
(The next day)
Bookcase? Bookcase! Bookcase! Bookcase, bookcase. Bookcase? Bookcase! Bookcase! Bookcase, bookcase. Bookcase? Bookcase! Bookcase! Bookcase, bookcase. Bookcase? Bookcase! Bookcase! Bookcase, bookcase. Bookcase? Bookcase! Bookcase! Bookcase, bookcase.
Okay, I'm about to take this way too seriously, but hear me out.
This may be Twilight's best villain conversion yet. Tricking a villain into living a normal, productive, and satisfying life--without the use of zap-'em-good magic or threats--without letting on that they're being "turned good"... well, it's a good plan. Highly effective, too, at least in this case.
But on the other hand, it is a trick. Chrysalis is, in a sense, being brainwashed, because she isn't aware of the choice she's making to change her life and her goals. There's a difference between having someone try out a productive, normal life and then deciding they like it, and drawing them on with promises of their original goal being completed until they've simply gotten so caught up in their daily concerns and activities that they've grown comfortable with the idea of staying there. One's a choice to be different, better, happy; the other is settling for normalcy while your dreams go on. One involves conscious, willing change; the other is an unconscious assimilation. Now, that's not quite what happened here, and I suspect that Chrysalis would eventually realize what was going on and make that conscious choice, but there was a possibility. And it's hard to tell exactly what Twilight's goal was. Maybe she didn't care, and this was simply a means of getting Chrysalis out of the way. Maybe she also wanted to give Chrysalis a fulfilling, yet harmless life (which, knowing Twilight, was the case in some manner). I don't know how thoroughly she thought her plan out--but these subtle differences matter. They make all the difference when it comes to free will and self-actualization.
And, well, it is a little bit sad to take away Chrysalis's importance--her dramatic, overblown villainy; her ability to be known, even as a monster, and to impact all of Equestria; and the kind of high-energy, intense lifestyle of plotting and scheming that would otherwise have ended in some form of fame and glory, whether through utter defeat, triumphant victory, or transformation into a valuable ally. Chrysalis has lost her ability to matter in the world of history and politics from this point on. It's an anticlimactic, unsatisfying ending to the greater story, where this big, promising, dramatic evil villain simply vanishes off the map because she stopped operating in that sphere in favor of a simple life.
But what is that worth, in the end? What is a good story worth if it comes at the cost of fear, or lives, or a tragic ending? Maybe Twilight's actions, having been successful at eliminating a potentially serious threat, were completely justified. Maybe this was the plan most likely to work, and maybe it wasn't worth trying to convince Chrysalis to change consciously--especially since that failed in the past. Is one creature's potential worth sacrificing for the greater good? And when so much potential is already wasted by people's own, conscious choices anyway, does it even make a difference? I don't know.
Again, this is going way too philosophical for a short, funny story. Still, it made me think... and that's always good, right?
It's fun to watch an evil queen try her best at defeating the pones.
I sure hope Queen Chrysalis doesn't settle down with a nice stallion. Equestria might not survive!
Hummmm according to the card game the changeling at cranky and mitilda's wedding was called Kevin... I wonder if he and Gary are roommates?
Okay so, Rattity-
It's Rarity
.....
...Yeeees deaar! I heard she's going to try and win the heart of Princess Celestia's only student, Twilight!
First they just hang out, then start dating
Then they get married
Then they live happily together HEY COME BACK AND HELP ME SHIP MY FRIENDS!
Have you heard the rumor on how chrysalis is going to get revenge?
...Wut
Wut
I'm...I'm just gonna go
Who’s a clever pony?
Should be 'not' instead of 'no'.
Anyway, this was an enjoyable read. Thank you~
Hey, I like ants-on-a-log!
Again, delicious.
Also,
i love tom york and the radioheads!
So, so very true
I can't help but think the Mirror Pool would never work for anyone who had the personality of having to be in charge/control of everything. All chiefs, no indians. And that tends to be most supervillains; clones of themselves would inevitably try to take over and defeat their original self.
That was delightful.
Four would do it even faster
He's still got it.
Ha! The end made me laugh.
Do you want to build a bookcase?
These instructions don't seem clear.
But all I could find,
was this IKEA line,
I don't think it was made around here.....
Well, that was an smart trickery Twilight! Tricking Chrysalis into scheming a normal life...really the bug queen needs a change of airs
That's not a description I'd ever associate with Derpy.
For evidence. Naturally.
9292741
Derpy is a stone cold killer.
No
She was top of Spy School, right behind Bon Bon, aka Sweetie Drops
No
Her real name is The Iron Butt
No
Just ignore her
That is some Adam West!Batman-level deduction there.
In any case, hilarious work on all sides. This is the problem when your species is ultimately parasitic. After a while, you find it easier to feed on your hosts' ideas rather than come up with your own. Thank you for this.
9291895
It was easily the most positive interaction Twilight ever had with Chrysalis.
It's funny because it's true!
Darn. Really was hoping this would be a red herring fic, with 'Autumn Harvest' being an actual pony (despite Twilight's Batman-deduction). It's just too on-the-nose to seem clever or funny to me. It's a one-shot that basically states "THIS IS THE JOKE" right from the beginning, thus ruining the joke by explaining it.
Still, it had plenty of entertaining writing, even if the plot wasn't my favorite. Thanks for sharing!
Love It Please Continue!
Spotted two little typo
By the way
Not even
I’m getting flash backs to:
Yesssss
... Nooooo...
... I... don’t knooowww....
To ssserve the hiiiiivvvee...
Seriously though, this is awesome!
Heh, nice.
I have to say, I do love these fics - the ones that just flat-out admit to, even embrace, the fact that Chrysalis is an imbecile. To be honest, she's a lot more fun when the story isn't trying to make us see her as a serious threat.
ok i thought this was cutely amusing :3
Okay that ending was hilariously terrible...yet oddly adorable
9293664
???? refrence to what?
No --> Not.
"borrowed from Rarity"
Other than a few typos, pretty funny.
9293961
There’s this comic where a changeling went to a job interview
Hah, this was funny and cute. Nice work.
9293852 Flim and Flam are better at planning than Chrysalis is.
Oooo... imagine if THEY were chernglerngs! Ermahgerd... the terrible scams they could pull.
9294458
Flim and Flam as changelings would somehow scheme and scam in such a way that the schemes cancel out the scams, and they end up fully productive and altruistic. On accident.
Heh. If only Chrysalis went for the whole THOUSANDS UPON THOUSANDS of Chrysalis plan.
Hey Chrysalis! Here's my take on your planning...
9294965
To be fair, I think this plan would backfire in the way that all multi-villain plans backfire.
Chrysalis would end up arguing with herself as to whom is actually in charge.
And that's before accounting for the fact that the clones are single-facet personality copies as well.
What happens when you have one Queen Chrysalis, and 999 copies who would rather be working on their tan?
QC: "Wait, TAN?! My carapace is practically BLACK! Why would I, or any copy of me, want or need a TAN!?"
CC989: "The sun helps dry out the chitin before we go get it polished. Also, have you TRIED the mane care products at the spa? Of course you haven't. Your mane is still hanging from all that grease and slime.
QC: "We are CHANGELINGS! We're supposed to have damp, limp manes!"
CC742: "It's only limp because you're hungry. I'M hungry! Where's the love? WE WERE PROMISED LOVE!"
CCs: "LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!"
QC: *Facehoof* "Kill me now..."
9295162
This made me snicker. I liked it. And you're right, it probably wouldn't end well, now that I think about it.
THE ONE THAT IS YELLOW AND PINK
"By the way"?
Have to say, this wasn't what I expected at all from the description, and it made Chrysalis a bit too stupid for my tastes, so while I giggled a fair bit I was left a bit lukewarm when the ending rolled around.
9294070
It's common parlance in the USA to say "borrowed" instead of lent. Instead of "I leant Rarity a bowling ball", which is correct, many Americans will say "I borrowed Rarity a bowling ball".
9297058
I'm american and I've never heard that. Maybe it's a regional thing.