• Published 8th Nov 2018
  • 10,754 Views, 552 Comments

My Life As A Psychopathic Nine Year Old Filly - deadpansnarker



A Cozy Glow-hating brony is fooled by the nefarious filly herself into switching bodies, now he's the one locked in Tartarus while she's causing havoc in his world. Uh-oh. Also, nopony believes him... because he's Cozy Glow. Makes perfect sense.

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Chapter 1: My New Life Starts

Yes I confess, for all my countless sins, I am a pot-bellied, unemployed (possibly unemployable), bearded male twenty-something My Little Pony fan (only this generation, I ain't into those mutant 80's abominations).

A walking, talking obese stereotype, in other words. Pleased to meetcha, compadre. Now that we've got all the boring formal guff out of the way, let's continue on, shall we?

I've collected all the plushies (some of which I 'borrowed' from my young nieces, shh) , the yearly annuals (with all the word searches completely filled in, I'm so proud) , and even the exclusive duvet cover (though, it's FAR too small for a biggish fella like moi).

I also proudly know the words to all the songs, and have been known to belt out a tenor-worthy refrain of "This Day Was Going To Be Perfect..." on a wet Wednesday morning whilst tying my shoes. As you can well imagine, my neighbours love me.

In other words, you could say I'm a 'bit of a fan'. Not that I've ever done anything totally wacko, like turn up at a con fully bedecked in horsie costume and face make-up with rainbow patterned string trailing from my arse, but you get the general idea.

Which is why, having just suffered through the season finale of season eight (yes, EIGHT... I can't quite believe it's been running that long either, where has my life gone) I was surprised to find a giant fresh head-shaped dent in my wall afterwards.

Why, you may ask? Well, lemme give you a hint, oh curious reader. My reasons are twofold, yet stem from the same source: and they happen to rhyme with DOZY and D'OH. Too difficult for you to figure out? Want another clue?

... Oh you already know. Clever clogs. Allow me to cut to the chase, then. This frequently infuriating filly did indeed tarnish my enjoyment of what was billed as an epic two-parter, and if you'll allow me I shall now count the ways I loathe this particular quadruped:

a) That cutesy-poo Shirley Temple-esque (Or Darla Dimple, for you Cats Don't Dance fans out there) voice made me want to grind my teeth to dust. Years of non-flossing are already taking care of that, thanks.

b) One teeny weeny child could never be that manipulatively cunning. I mean, come on... she'd even give that Moriarty geezer a run for his bits in terms of wicked scheming!

c) Her mane-style was really off-putting. Twirly curls like that do not belong in this show, only bad days at the salon in real life when you demand your money back from an inattentive hairdresser.

d) What a stupid name, 'Cozy Glow'. It doesn't even make any sense... my nickname for her was better, since her tedious antics certainly made me very 'Dozy' at times and the fact so many other ponies fell for her obvious act did indeed make me go 'D'oh' a lot ('D'oh' and 'Glow' totally rhyme, FYI).

e) Did I mention pink was my least favourite colour? Closely followed by pastel blue. The funny thing was, they weren't before I met CG in Marks For Effort, but now they are. What a coincidence, huh?

So basically, as far as I'm concerned, Miss Glow is nothing but a barrage of sucky suckiness, coated with a delicious topping of freshly laid mule droppings. And that's me being diplomatic about how much I abhor her unrealistic, unlikeable character.

Thank goodness she's safely locked away in Tartarus now, so she won't pollute the show I adore anymore with her pathetic delusions of grandeur. You might believe being stuck in Equestria's version of Hell might be too much punishment for any kid, but in her particular case, I'm willing to make a very big exception.

I can think of worse things that could be done to her after the stunt she almost pulled off, put it that way. Not a hint of genuine remorse, either. Tragic. The parents should be ashamed. Spare the rod, spoil the filly, that's what I say.

Regardless, life goes on. I have a hot date tonight (no, I'm not putting fruit in the microwave, hardy har har) with my new buxom girlfriend. Woo hoo.

I really think this could be the one, guys. She's blonde, she's beautiful, she has a really big... heart and she seems to have a 'thing' for slightly paunchy blokes. I might just be onto a winner here! Just got to change my XXL T-shirt, spray on a dab of Lynx, find my wallet full of strawberry flavoured condo...

SHAZAM! Huh? What's going on?! Some sort of weird rift in space has just materialised in front of my laptop. Great... the insurance on it has just expired too, and me being the cheapskate I am, it slipped my mind to renew. Hey, exotically-tasting protection during intercourse costs a fortune! I might get lucky tonight, you never know! Stop laughing at the back!

But while I was debating whether to just leave the gaping hole for now, or contact the Microsoft hotline about the mysteriously floating void above my monitor, events took a turn for the worse. The fissure got larger and larger in size, until it was big enough for the most grotesque head you could ever hope not to ever see poke it's horrible visage out.

Freddy Krueger? Nah, he's Brad Pitt by comparison to this monster.

Jabba The Hut? Of course not. He's dead. Silly.

'Was the black hole a mirror, and I was just staring at a reflection'?! Why, you cheeky...

Enough. You should've figured out by now, based on the title of the story and it's picture alone that the terrifying creature now blithely staring back at me from this apparent space portal was none other than the junior psycho herself, Cozy Glow.

My first reaction upon seeing her narrow her eyes at me and growl was not quite what you'd expect. I didn't panic, dive for cover, reach for a concealed firearm or phone the glue factory.

No, I laughed. Like a drain. A rabid hyena. A chippy Sponge fry cook. I rolled on the floor too, until eventually the ugly mug that now resided unwelcomely in my room lost it's patience and decided to interrupt my hysterics with some thoughts of it's own.

"And what, may I ask is so amusing about my presence?" The foul illusion asked, staring down at my prostrate form with sheer hate. "That single-use dimension-hopping device I brilliantly stole from Twilight's lab before my undeserved incarceration has taken me here, to a primitive planet populated by pathetic primates. It is a distinct honour for your puny civilisation to be chosen for enslavement by me, the greatest filly felon of our generation. Strike up the band, roll out the red carpet, get ready to be fitted for chains... w-what? Why do you still find this so funny?! Don't you get it? Your species' freedom is over! Gone! Kaput! Bow down to your new Empress, thou unworthy hairless chimp!"

"Wow, that doobie I smoked last night must've been some really good shit, for me to imagine this surreal trip!" Tears of merriment continued to run down my creased-up face, as I addressed the weird hallucination right in front of me. "But apologies 'Cozy Glow', I can't stay and partake in any more fun. I'm going to step out with my girl this evening and have no time to chew the fat with stupid, whining, idiotic Worst Pony! So, I'll say my goodbyes now... but hang on in there, 'kay? A word of advice though: don't drop the soap in the shower, whatever you do!"

My insulting words to Cozy Glow made her usual pink hue go redder and redder, and it looked like she was about to burst into a kazillion pieces (please do). But just before the air could turn blue with her distinctly child-unfriendly profanity, a sinister thought seemed to pop into that unwholesome brainbox of hers, and she smirked from ear to ear.

"So, I am led to believe by your otherwise incoherent ramblings and your general lack of fear that you think this to be... a dream?" The megalomaniac youngster had once more reverted to her usual tooth-rottingly 'sweet voice, and bat her eyelids coyly. "In that case, you wouldn't mind doing me a little favour, would you? If you commit this minor service for little ol' me, I swear I'll never trouble your pitiful self ever again. Do we have an arrangement?"

I should've known that crafty filly was up to something. I might've read the signs there and then, called the whole thing off, grabbed my jacket and got ready for a night of disco, dancing and (hopefully) devilish debauchery.

But no, thinking this surreal scene was still part of a drug-infused experience I was going through, I took the bait. Hook, line and sinker."Whatever you say, O bizarre remnant of my subconscious hatred. Would you like me to feed you one bag of oats, or two? Maybe plait your tail into pretty little braids?"

"No, no, nothing like that..." It was now 'Cozy Glow's' turn to laugh, a curiously joyless affair. "All I want you to do is reach into this hole like so... that's right... and take my hoof like this... you're doing so well, friend!... and wait until I say the magic words..."

"My computer better be back to normal after this, or I'm suing Hasbro!" I joked, slightly surprised at how real the fur on her limb felt. "Can't a guy get a bit of privacy these days, without some pastel pony pipsqueak appearing in his room with futile threats of world dominatio..."

ZAP! Aanndd just like that, with a flash and a bang, I was gone.

Well, I wasn't actually 'gone' per se, but I was certainly no longer where I was before.

Instead, I was in a dark, dimly lit cave, with the sound of unseen creatures howling all around me and the feeling of cold iron under my tush. What the...?

The only thing familiar in my new barred surroundings was the moderately-sized void floating in front of me, but even that seemed to be rapidly diminishing in size with every passing second.

It lingered around just long enough however, for me to get a full view through it of a bipedal figure leering in my direction, a very familiar one at that, mainly because it just so happened to be me.

Or the person I used to be, anyway.

"I don't know what possessed me to steal that body-swapping potion from Twilight's study, along with the dimensional device..." D-Did I really ever sound like that evilly maniacal? "But it all turned out for the best, and I couldn't have wished for a more deserving big-mouthed target! You're a bit fat, and you have certain 'parts' that'll take a while to get used to, but this could work out very well indeed! After all, in this skin I can blend with the natives whilst plotting their downfall, something I never could've done in my former equine shell! Have fun in your new home, oh rude one, and try not to worry... your stupid world is in good hoov... I mean, hands with me around to guide it! Now, where's that ringing and knocking sound coming from? Ooh, so loud... let's see what it is..."

And as the mystic hole disappeared into nothingness whilst I yelled at an insane child taking my place for my big night out, a few more disturbing facts came to life.

First of all, my new voice was like a girl's. A very young one at that.

Secondly, judging by how I now shivered and the general feeling of lightness around my person, I was completely naked.

Thirdly... well let's just cram everything else that bothered me into one paragraph, shall we? Where did these feathery wings come from? Why do I have four legs, and no arms? Why am I so small? Where the f*** is my dic...

"Hey, you there. What do you think you're playing at?! Can't an ancient being serving a life sentence get any decent sleep around here?! Keep the noise down, or you'll get us both punished again! Just because we were pen-pals for all of a few months, doesn't mean I'll tolerate any nonsense! So shut up, and let me get some rest!"

I stopped my self-examination long enough to tilt my head at the irate individual located in the cage next to the one I now inhabited, a withered old geriatric centaur wearing a sleeping mask who'd obviously seen better days. I recognised him instantly as a pre-powered up Tirek, which couldn't be right as he was a fictional character...

But then again, so was I. Or, I thought so anyway.

Yet no amount of punching or pinching could awaken me from this horrific nightmare though, in fact it all caused me plenty of physical pain as if... it were real.

Which led me to one unbelievably horrifying, inescapable conclusion.

It was.

I screamed shrilly like the tiny filly I had now become, whilst Tirek put his head in his hooves in despair.

"Great, she's at it again. Aanndd here come the guards. Super."

Author's Note:

Yes, another Cozy Glow fic by me... this one with a HIE twist. What can I tell you... she's tons of fun to write about, and I wouldn't be too shocked if this wasn't the last. :moustache:

Just as warning: this is about a completely made-up character who's views and appearance have no resemblance to my own at all. Honest. :scootangel:

I will continue soon, so look out for future updates. Bye for now! :raritywink: