Yes I confess, for all my countless sins, I am a pot-bellied, unemployed (possibly unemployable), bearded male twenty-something My Little Pony fan (only this generation, I ain't into those mutant 80's abominations).
A walking, talking obese stereotype, in other words. Pleased to meetcha, compadre. Now that we've got all the boring formal guff out of the way, let's continue on, shall we?
I've collected all the plushies (some of which I 'borrowed' from my young nieces, shh) , the yearly annuals (with all the word searches completely filled in, I'm so proud) , and even the exclusive duvet cover (though, it's FAR too small for a biggish fella like moi).
I also proudly know the words to all the songs, and have been known to belt out a tenor-worthy refrain of "This Day Was Going To Be Perfect..." on a wet Wednesday morning whilst tying my shoes. As you can well imagine, my neighbours love me.
In other words, you could say I'm a 'bit of a fan'. Not that I've ever done anything totally wacko, like turn up at a con fully bedecked in horsie costume and face make-up with rainbow patterned string trailing from my arse, but you get the general idea.
Which is why, having just suffered through the season finale of season eight (yes, EIGHT... I can't quite believe it's been running that long either, where has my life gone) I was surprised to find a giant fresh head-shaped dent in my wall afterwards.
Why, you may ask? Well, lemme give you a hint, oh curious reader. My reasons are twofold, yet stem from the same source: and they happen to rhyme with DOZY and D'OH. Too difficult for you to figure out? Want another clue?
... Oh you already know. Clever clogs. Allow me to cut to the chase, then. This frequently infuriating filly did indeed tarnish my enjoyment of what was billed as an epic two-parter, and if you'll allow me I shall now count the ways I loathe this particular quadruped:
a) That cutesy-poo Shirley Temple-esque (Or Darla Dimple, for you Cats Don't Dance fans out there) voice made me want to grind my teeth to dust. Years of non-flossing are already taking care of that, thanks.
b) One teeny weeny child could never be that manipulatively cunning. I mean, come on... she'd even give that Moriarty geezer a run for his bits in terms of wicked scheming!
c) Her mane-style was really off-putting. Twirly curls like that do not belong in this show, only bad days at the salon in real life when you demand your money back from an inattentive hairdresser.
d) What a stupid name, 'Cozy Glow'. It doesn't even make any sense... my nickname for her was better, since her tedious antics certainly made me very 'Dozy' at times and the fact so many other ponies fell for her obvious act did indeed make me go 'D'oh' a lot ('D'oh' and 'Glow' totally rhyme, FYI).
e) Did I mention pink was my least favourite colour? Closely followed by pastel blue. The funny thing was, they weren't before I met CG in Marks For Effort, but now they are. What a coincidence, huh?
So basically, as far as I'm concerned, Miss Glow is nothing but a barrage of sucky suckiness, coated with a delicious topping of freshly laid mule droppings. And that's me being diplomatic about how much I abhor her unrealistic, unlikeable character.
Thank goodness she's safely locked away in Tartarus now, so she won't pollute the show I adore anymore with her pathetic delusions of grandeur. You might believe being stuck in Equestria's version of Hell might be too much punishment for any kid, but in her particular case, I'm willing to make a very big exception.
I can think of worse things that could be done to her after the stunt she almost pulled off, put it that way. Not a hint of genuine remorse, either. Tragic. The parents should be ashamed. Spare the rod, spoil the filly, that's what I say.
Regardless, life goes on. I have a hot date tonight (no, I'm not putting fruit in the microwave, hardy har har) with my new buxom girlfriend. Woo hoo.
I really think this could be the one, guys. She's blonde, she's beautiful, she has a really big... heart and she seems to have a 'thing' for slightly paunchy blokes. I might just be onto a winner here! Just got to change my XXL T-shirt, spray on a dab of Lynx, find my wallet full of strawberry flavoured condo...
SHAZAM! Huh? What's going on?! Some sort of weird rift in space has just materialised in front of my laptop. Great... the insurance on it has just expired too, and me being the cheapskate I am, it slipped my mind to renew. Hey, exotically-tasting protection during intercourse costs a fortune! I might get lucky tonight, you never know! Stop laughing at the back!
But while I was debating whether to just leave the gaping hole for now, or contact the Microsoft hotline about the mysteriously floating void above my monitor, events took a turn for the worse. The fissure got larger and larger in size, until it was big enough for the most grotesque head you could ever hope not to ever see poke it's horrible visage out.
Freddy Krueger? Nah, he's Brad Pitt by comparison to this monster.
Jabba The Hut? Of course not. He's dead. Silly.
'Was the black hole a mirror, and I was just staring at a reflection'?! Why, you cheeky...
Enough. You should've figured out by now, based on the title of the story and it's picture alone that the terrifying creature now blithely staring back at me from this apparent space portal was none other than the junior psycho herself, Cozy Glow.
My first reaction upon seeing her narrow her eyes at me and growl was not quite what you'd expect. I didn't panic, dive for cover, reach for a concealed firearm or phone the glue factory.
No, I laughed. Like a drain. A rabid hyena. A chippy Sponge fry cook. I rolled on the floor too, until eventually the ugly mug that now resided unwelcomely in my room lost it's patience and decided to interrupt my hysterics with some thoughts of it's own.
"And what, may I ask is so amusing about my presence?" The foul illusion asked, staring down at my prostrate form with sheer hate. "That single-use dimension-hopping device I brilliantly stole from Twilight's lab before my undeserved incarceration has taken me here, to a primitive planet populated by pathetic primates. It is a distinct honour for your puny civilisation to be chosen for enslavement by me, the greatest filly felon of our generation. Strike up the band, roll out the red carpet, get ready to be fitted for chains... w-what? Why do you still find this so funny?! Don't you get it? Your species' freedom is over! Gone! Kaput! Bow down to your new Empress, thou unworthy hairless chimp!"
"Wow, that doobie I smoked last night must've been some really good shit, for me to imagine this surreal trip!" Tears of merriment continued to run down my creased-up face, as I addressed the weird hallucination right in front of me. "But apologies 'Cozy Glow', I can't stay and partake in any more fun. I'm going to step out with my girl this evening and have no time to chew the fat with stupid, whining, idiotic Worst Pony! So, I'll say my goodbyes now... but hang on in there, 'kay? A word of advice though: don't drop the soap in the shower, whatever you do!"
My insulting words to Cozy Glow made her usual pink hue go redder and redder, and it looked like she was about to burst into a kazillion pieces (please do). But just before the air could turn blue with her distinctly child-unfriendly profanity, a sinister thought seemed to pop into that unwholesome brainbox of hers, and she smirked from ear to ear.
"So, I am led to believe by your otherwise incoherent ramblings and your general lack of fear that you think this to be... a dream?" The megalomaniac youngster had once more reverted to her usual tooth-rottingly 'sweet voice, and bat her eyelids coyly. "In that case, you wouldn't mind doing me a little favour, would you? If you commit this minor service for little ol' me, I swear I'll never trouble your pitiful self ever again. Do we have an arrangement?"
I should've known that crafty filly was up to something. I might've read the signs there and then, called the whole thing off, grabbed my jacket and got ready for a night of disco, dancing and (hopefully) devilish debauchery.
But no, thinking this surreal scene was still part of a drug-infused experience I was going through, I took the bait. Hook, line and sinker."Whatever you say, O bizarre remnant of my subconscious hatred. Would you like me to feed you one bag of oats, or two? Maybe plait your tail into pretty little braids?"
"No, no, nothing like that..." It was now 'Cozy Glow's' turn to laugh, a curiously joyless affair. "All I want you to do is reach into this hole like so... that's right... and take my hoof like this... you're doing so well, friend!... and wait until I say the magic words..."
"My computer better be back to normal after this, or I'm suing Hasbro!" I joked, slightly surprised at how real the fur on her limb felt. "Can't a guy get a bit of privacy these days, without some pastel pony pipsqueak appearing in his room with futile threats of world dominatio..."
ZAP! Aanndd just like that, with a flash and a bang, I was gone.
Well, I wasn't actually 'gone' per se, but I was certainly no longer where I was before.
Instead, I was in a dark, dimly lit cave, with the sound of unseen creatures howling all around me and the feeling of cold iron under my tush. What the...?
The only thing familiar in my new barred surroundings was the moderately-sized void floating in front of me, but even that seemed to be rapidly diminishing in size with every passing second.
It lingered around just long enough however, for me to get a full view through it of a bipedal figure leering in my direction, a very familiar one at that, mainly because it just so happened to be me.
Or the person I used to be, anyway.
"I don't know what possessed me to steal that body-swapping potion from Twilight's study, along with the dimensional device..." D-Did I really ever sound like that evilly maniacal? "But it all turned out for the best, and I couldn't have wished for a more deserving big-mouthed target! You're a bit fat, and you have certain 'parts' that'll take a while to get used to, but this could work out very well indeed! After all, in this skin I can blend with the natives whilst plotting their downfall, something I never could've done in my former equine shell! Have fun in your new home, oh rude one, and try not to worry... your stupid world is in good hoov... I mean, hands with me around to guide it! Now, where's that ringing and knocking sound coming from? Ooh, so loud... let's see what it is..."
And as the mystic hole disappeared into nothingness whilst I yelled at an insane child taking my place for my big night out, a few more disturbing facts came to life.
First of all, my new voice was like a girl's. A very young one at that.
Secondly, judging by how I now shivered and the general feeling of lightness around my person, I was completely naked.
Thirdly... well let's just cram everything else that bothered me into one paragraph, shall we? Where did these feathery wings come from? Why do I have four legs, and no arms? Why am I so small? Where the f*** is my dic...
"Hey, you there. What do you think you're playing at?! Can't an ancient being serving a life sentence get any decent sleep around here?! Keep the noise down, or you'll get us both punished again! Just because we were pen-pals for all of a few months, doesn't mean I'll tolerate any nonsense! So shut up, and let me get some rest!"
I stopped my self-examination long enough to tilt my head at the irate individual located in the cage next to the one I now inhabited, a withered old geriatric centaur wearing a sleeping mask who'd obviously seen better days. I recognised him instantly as a pre-powered up Tirek, which couldn't be right as he was a fictional character...
But then again, so was I. Or, I thought so anyway.
Yet no amount of punching or pinching could awaken me from this horrific nightmare though, in fact it all caused me plenty of physical pain as if... it were real.
Which led me to one unbelievably horrifying, inescapable conclusion.
It was.
I screamed shrilly like the tiny filly I had now become, whilst Tirek put his head in his hooves in despair.
"Great, she's at it again. Aanndd here come the guards. Super."
Why does this describe me so well?
9280984
Because you touch yourself at night. >:|
This looks fantastic
Oh I look forward to this
You have caught my attention commander and I hope you do well creating this story.
9281084
9281135
9281261
Thanks. Hope you enjoy the next chapter!
9280984
How uncanny!
I am happy to report that I read this entire thing with my internal monologue sounding like Hank Hill.
I'm not upset for this fact. No,I embrace my madness and hope it will bring me much joy
9281426
Let it be known I read this comment in the voice of Hank Hill. That is all.
The premise just sounds funny XD. I might give this a read
nice I waited for exactly this I think.
9281426
"I tell you what..."
9281645
Hope you like what you see.
9281683
First wish granted. What will your other two be?
The main chars opinion on Cowzy is pretty much the opposite of mine, but I guess it is that way so it's funnier if he is her.
I can't say if I will like the main char yet and the first chapter was not exactly what I prefer, but I give it the chance to develop a bit, onw two more chapters till I can really say something about it.
Personally I started to get interessted the moment he was actually in her body but that part is not big enough to say something yet.
While I get the feeling the main char might copy some of the personally traits I didn't liked from other main chars already, I will wait and see what is actually going to happen since the idea of the story is a nice one.
"My Little Pony: School Raze was the most disappointing thing since my son."
- A quote from our Cozy hater.
I was just waiting for somepony to do this!
Ok, now THIS is epic
9281705
Indeed. If the protagonist was a fan of CG, it wouldn't be nearly as much fun watching him become her, would it?
The enjoyment will hopefully come from watching him struggle in a new world, in the confines of a character he can't stand but yet has live as. Anyway, looking forward to hearing your opinion!
9281707
Sounds about right...
9281744
...And they finally have!
Someone just got cozy new living conditions.
9281791
Deviantart is where stories about folks becoming ponies they love belong.
9281789
'Every great journey must start somewhere'.
9281813
I see what you did there.
9280984
That description, along with the comedy tag leads me to believe this is yet another "Moron becomes Villain and acts like an idiot" story where the crutch of the narrative will be LOL Random shenanigans and over-the-top behavior. Am I right?
Like the general premise, but I'm pretty picky on my comedy, and hate when it comes at the expense of a good protagonist.
9281911
I want the fic to be funny obviously, but I hope that the protagonist will behave like any other person caught up in a ‘fish out of water’ scenario rather than just act like a moron for the lolz. I don’t want to make him the butt of endless jokes, obviously he is going to be caught up in situations that he finds awkward though, and this will be where the comedy lies (that’s the intent anyway)
As for whether he’ll act like a villain or not, that will be seen in later chapters. It’s a bit early to judge that, considering he’s just barely arrived in his new environment.
Hope you give it a chance, and bye for now.
9281920
That's good to hear, I didn't thought about it, but I that is something I would like to avoid as well, what he mentioned.
Long story short it's already nice to hear that he isn't the " the butt of endless jokes", like you called it.
I will be patient like I said, but he made remember a story where I always felt like the main char get's treated a bit unfair after a while in certain ways.
9281920
I hope he is going to be smarter than in this chapter because he doesn't look like someone with normal intelligence. I feel like I'm reading a character who is mentally challenged and that I should be expecting him to act like an idiot in full panic mode (or a headless chicken) instead of calming down for a moment, think and act like a normal person would do.
I'm not really a big fan of the kind of comedy where the main character is supposed to make us laugh because he is his own enemy by acting like an idiot, so I'm just going to wait and read more of that.
9281959
Perhaps his experiences help him mature over the course of the story. Who knows? It’s going to be a long road ahead...
Darla Dimple is awesome. Mostly because of Max. Ok almost entirely because of Max.
9282275
Correct. They're kind of inseparable...
1. The Prince was a satire. Machiavelli wrote it to show why things are going wrong, not how things should be. He was actually in favor of democratic republics, and pioneered the notion of checks and balances.
2. Constant humor stops being funny. If your story makes an ironic jibe, then an ironic jibe, then an ironic jibe, etc... people will start finding it less of a clever satire and more of annoying pedantry.
a. If chapter 2 is nothing but the main character pacing in their cage for 8000 words, I might even laugh.
√-1̅. It would've been great if the magic words actually were "I'm suing Hasbro!"
∞. Can Dozy D'oh do the Dosey Doe?
🐴. G1 was best generation.
🍎. Please do continue this!
9282465
1. If it makes things easier, I'll change it to 'Moriarty'. I think the protagonist is more likely to know who he is, anyway.
2. Don't worry, now our main character has touched down In Equestria they'll be a lot less ironic jibes; and more 'what the hell am I doing here, how can I adapt and when can I escape' kind of humour, if you like that sort of thing. You can probably see the transition from the end of the current chapter, in fact.
3. If I can hold interest for 8k words of someone pacing up and down a cage, I think I'll nominate myself for the Pulitzer Prize.
4. Nah, I think that'd be too meta.
5. I don't nosy-know.
6. His opinion, remember?
7. I will, don't you worry about that!
P.S Sorry for using numbers instead of symbols. I was in a rush, you see?
Pinching? It's not like he has any appendages suitable for pinching at the moment. Closest thing is biting.
9282476
Ponies have gripped things in the show before, I believe. Therefore they should be capable of pinching as well. Don't ask me how, but it's canon... so, yeah.
se
9282731
Got it... Thanks.
will she ever get out?
I feel like either one of these pics felt appropriate for this story.derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/11/8/1877753__safe_edit_edited+screencap_screencap_cozy+glow_what+lies+beneath_spoiler-colon-s08e22_cropped_female_filly_hooves_meme_pegasus_pony_shocked_so.jpeg derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/11/9/1878028__safe_edit_edited+screencap_screencap_cozy+glow_what+lies+beneath_spoiler-colon-s08e22_image+macro_meme_solo.jpeg
This is going to be... interesting.
FEATURED: 11/9/18
9282475
It's common for people to think that Machiavelli's ultra-realistic attitude means "The Prince" was his genuine advice on how to run things. Especially chantard assholes who are armchair philosophers and want a guy with a fancy name to justify their bad attitudes. So I had no purpose in stating 1. since you don't need to correct it. The protagonist is supposed to be groan inducingly wrong. I just think it's an interesting fact about the author of "The Prince."
There are opinions, and then there are facts, like gravity, sunrise, winter, and the superiority of G1 to all forms of art.
įէ'ʂ քҽɾƒҽçէӀվ օҟąվ.
9282868
Let's see, shall we...
9282922
Indeed they could've. Thanks for the suggestion!
9283126
That's the plan...
9283277
WOO HOO!!
9283533
I thought of that, but I think this main character is far less likely to have read or seen something Machiavelli-related than Sherlock-based, so this change makes more sense now.
9283564
... which of those was directed at mói?
9283573
The middle one. Your username should be there, just above the reply.
9283576
I see numbers. Always have.
... no, I am not "rain man". Just gonna go ahead and rain on that parade.
... sweet Luna's teats, I need to think less when I type things. I get some amusing sh-stuff. Totally stuff. DON'T JUDGE MY SLEEP DEPRIVED INSANITY! It's my favorite time of week.
9283576
Oh, F.Y.I. I think you re-sparked the "Human Turns into X" genre. Congratulations! I'd offer you a shot of melatonin, but I don't have any.
9283601
Cheers. At least I have one notable accomplishment now someone can etch onto my otherwise barren gravestone. Even the chap reading my obituary at the funeral will probably have to stammer loads just so he goes over a minute.
And when you eventually replenish your supply of the 'good stuff', I'll let you keep it all... since your need is clearly far greater. Night!
9283625
... I'mma smack you. No. Just, no. You do not, I repeat, do NOT talk down on yourself. I forbid it.
How can you, an individual who has made so many smile, speak of yourself in such a depreciating manner? You. Are. Awesome. That, my friend, is a fact. So, you need to accept facts. Twilight shall be quite cross if thou dost not accept thine awesomeness!
Now, where are you? For I must now snuggle the stuffing out of you! Or find someone who can, dependant upon whether I am or am not allowed within your county/state/province/country of residence.
9283657
Lol I was being a teensy bit sardonic when I said that, my sense of self-worth isn't that shattered. Thanks for the vote of confidence anyway, and you're more than welcome to take a trip to Merrie Olde England to see me if the mood suits you.
Just remember not to pack any root vegetables or citrus fruits, or you might be stopped for questioning. Also, insulate yourself well. It's very mandatory this time of year 'round these parts... bbrrrr.
9283692
As long as I'm not in London, the coppers shouldn't have a problem with me. That, and I don't get involved in a fuel tanker explosion. Again.
9283697
"Fuel tanker', sure. It's okay, we just won't order the extra spicy Chicken Supreme Vindaloo this time. Did you remember to flush, btw?
How about a traditional favourite, Fish 'n' Chips instead? Though with the price of cod these days, get ready to pay over the odds. Bloomin' European sanctions, this is all Brexit's fault, mark my words. Blah blah blah....
9283704
... I was talking about an actual tanker with, you know, petrol. And fish 'n chips is best with a pint, in my humble opinion.
And we shan't speak politics; It's all rubbish.
9283708
A pint of what though, that is the question? Beer or ale is fine for most, but I'm strictly teetotal. At the risk of being forever being labeled a lightweight, would it bother you terribly if I chugged down a bracing carbonated beverage instead? Ta very muchly.
And I happen to agree with your summation of the tedious world of politics. that paragraph was meant to be a satire of all the whiners out there who blame everything on the government instead of taking responsibility themselves. Clearly I should've been more boring. Duly noted.
9283717
I was thinking chocolate milk, but that works.
And I received your satire, but it seems you missed my whimsy. Alas, it was not meant to be!
And now for something completely different...