- Member Since 7th Jun, 2017
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
Dr Sharaz Jek
Cynically Pretentious Hedonistic Nihilist...and those are my nicer qualities!
Dr Sharaz Jek
Joined 7th Jun, 2017 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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Dr Sharaz Jek · 4.7k words · 2.2k views
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This was a good first attempt. Definitely fap-worthy as far as I'm concerned. There were a few little mistakes here and there, and the excessive vulgarity came across as unintentionally comedic, instead of endearing and demeaning as it should.
Decent.
Definitely work on the dialogue though, cause like damn.
9279902
Thanks! Yeah, wasn't sure whether to go for more realistic dialogue or something out of a hentai, so I leaned towards the latter. Hope it gave a few unintentional laughs at least!
9280155
Thanks, will do! Any suggestions? Is the dialogue too cheesy and over the top or just flat?
You do know that’s not a synonym for semen, right? ‘Cause if she’s got a mouthful of that, Shining seriously needs to wash his fucking junk before it rots off. *gag*
9280649
Definitely flat, I would recommend broadening your sex vocab, and avoiding "bitch". Bitch tends to come off hard almost kind of rape-y, get creative, whore, slut, cock-sock, cum dumpster, husband hole, brownie factory, etc.
9280950
Noted for the future! Too much hentai manga made me think it was.
9281057
Well Shining was intentionally coming off as a bit rapey (I wanted to have him goaded by Trixie into fulfilling a fantasy he'd never dare admit even to himself), but I definitely agree I should be more creative with the dirty talk!
9281158
I see, I got more of a hate-fuck vibe from the insults, but I can see how it could go that way as well.
And thus the journey to begin reading all of your stories has started! And immediately you have started off strong! Wonder what happened to those unfinished first tries, but I like this option you took. Loved this one.
10581195
Thanks! Think I still have my scrapped fics on an old computer.
10581239
Interesting, maybe with your new knowledge you could revive them and make them part of your cannon, making them 100x better than what they were before, though I still highly regard this story as a strong start.
10581242
Probably won't as the deleted concepts no longer interest me.
10581260
ah, well, mind if I just checked? If you're ok with that?
10581270
Check what? My old computer is down so no way to retrieve them for now, they honestly weren't terribly interesting anyhow. One was about Discord turning all the guys into bikinis that stimulate the girls, only for them to end up thrown into the ocean and washed away.
10581323
alright, if you say so. But in the meantime I shall read the rest of your stories. yay
10581327
They're much better I assure you.
10581393
I know
I think you could have done a better job building up the tension in Shining Armor. That he has a need to dominate but doesn't give in to him. Right now it somewhat comes out of nowhere.
11514989
True, it's no surprise my first story is super rough and dated.