• Published 5th Nov 2018
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The Third Wheel - GaPJaxie



Twilight and Shining Armor have a little sister named Light Step. Everypony expects so much of her.

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Fall Semester

Twilight’s visit left Light feeling stressed. Her muscles were tight. Her breathing was shallow. She snapped at ponies and she didn’t know why.

For the whole walk to the downtown, Double barely said a word. She watched Light paint The Virgin Princess in silence. When guards appeared a few blocks away, she grunted and jerked her head, and the two of them left together.

Eventually, they found some steps to sit on and Double said: “So, tell me about Burner.”

“Burner is…” Light frowned and gestured down at his temporarily masculine body. “You know. Me. With a disguise. You know that.”

“Of course Burner is you,” Double chided. She was still in the form of Smoke. “But you are vast, and contain multitudes. Ponies act different ways in different environments. You are Light Step and you are Burner, but Light Step would never spraypaint the side of a building, would she?”

“Um…” Light bit his lip. “No. I guess she wouldn’t.”

“So that’s one difference. Burner is…” She searched for the word. “Brave. Or maybe he just has something to say and doesn’t care about the consequences.”

“Yeah.” For a moment, it looked like Light might go on. But he fell silent, and looked to the stones below them.

“Shhh. None of that.” Double reached out to cup Light’s face. With gentle hooves, she tilted Light’s head up, leaning in close. They were muzzle to muzzle, like they were about to kiss. “Shapeshifting for the first time is scary, I know. It’s emotionally difficult. Sometimes it hurts. But you won’t learn anything if you don’t explore.”

“Oh.” Light laughed a thin laugh. “So this is like, changeling magic?”

For a moment, Double Time didn’t react. Then she smiled a gentle smile. It ruffled Smoke’s fluffy coat. “Sure,” she said. “Is that okay?”

“Oh, yeah. No. It’s fine. I mean, it’s harmless, right?” Light laughed. “Right?”

“Completely.” Double’s words were smooth. “So come on, play along and we'll have some fun. Tell me who Burner is.”

“Well, like you said, he’s um… brave. Right?” Light cleared his throat. “And he likes listening to ponies. I pony-watch a lot downtown. Or talk with ponies sitting on benches or steps. They don’t have much to do so they’re happy to talk.”

“Empathetic?”

“Yeah, that’s the word. Feels a…” Light tapped the stone with his hooves. “Feels a lot.”

“Is he an angry pony?”

“Oh, yeah. Pissed.” That made Light laugh. “But he vents it, you know? I mean, I’m mad. Light Step is mad. But a mare can’t just scream and punch somepony in the face and get over it.”

“Does Burner punch ponies in the face?” Double smiled brightly, watching him with rapt interest. They were so close, they could see every detail of each other's eyes. “Or does he paint five-story tall murals just to piss ponies off?”

“I did throw a punch that first night. I guess some situations call for murals and some call for punching.” Light stiffly smiled. Double was so close, he could feel her warm breath running over his face. “So uh… who’s Smoke? She’s not much for personal space, it seems. Really getting up in here.”

“I don’t know!” she replied brightly. “I haven’t had a chance to think about it yet. There are so many people I haven’t gotten to be. She’s got to have an interest in magic, care about pony culture, maybe be a bit of a traditional unicorn. But if I’m going to be following you around the downtown, watching you express yourself all over the buildings, I’m thinking she’s got to be into street art.”

“Well yeah, obviously.” Light stumbled over his words.

“Does Burner like being a famous street artist? Does he like having his name in the papers?”

“Who wouldn’t?” Light spoke quickly. A hot blush rose in his cheeks. “It’s good, right? Seeing ponies admire your work? Actually... think something of you?”

“A stallion likes his fame,” Double said. Light nickered, but before he could reply, Double asked one more question. “So, if he likes being famous, does Burner have groupies?”

“Smoke” was a grey unicorn mare with an exceptionally fluffy coat. Her cutie mark depicted a blazing fire and a cloud of ash, and it matched the color of her mane. She was short, wide in the hips, energetic and overtly feminine. She flicked ponies with her tail.

“Burner” was a bright red unicorn stallion. His cutie mark was a stone brazier with a bright orange flame inside. He was a bit tall, and a bit thin, and he let both his mane and his tail grow long and unkempt. He was attractive, but only when he smiled. His expressive face made others feel what he was feeling.

The silence between them lingered.

Finally, Smoke asked: “Are you going to kiss me or what?”

Burner did.


Light never mentioned the time she and Double slept together in her dorm room. She never explained why she cried after. It was like it didn’t happen. But she talked about graffiti every evening, and asked for Double’s help every weekend.

They were a good pair. Double learned a lot about visual composition, and Light enjoyed getting to explain it. The roles fit their alter-egos well, with Smoke often hanging off of Burner’s side, absorbing his every word. Ponies on the street called her a ditz. She called them bitches. Even days later, just thinking about it made Light laugh.

That’s not to say that Double didn’t contribute. While Light was by far the superior artist of the two, Double had other skills. For instance, breaking and entering.

“Lawless Vandals Deface Canterlot Express!” the headline read, “Experts Say Merciless Criminals Probably On Drugs or In Gang.”

There was a picture of the Canterlot Express. They’d broken into the train yard in the middle of the night and covered the entire side of the #6 train with landscapes. They’d even properly blocked out the windows so there’d be no damage. It took all night, but the ponies of Canterlot woke up to find one of their trains covered with tasteful depictions of fields of flowers.

In those flowers frolicked princesses who had obviously had too much to drink. Some of the alicorns were entirely fictitious, relaxing, laughing, or chugging bottles of wine. A few of them were real. Cadence particularly was vomiting into a bed of daisies while Twilight held her hair.

“Look at this!” Burner said, gesturing to the paper they’d found. They were downtown one Saturday in the middle of fall semester. It was sophomore year. The sun would soon be setting, and their saddlebags were loaded with spray paint. “They called us a ‘disgrace to the capital.’ That’s going to be worth some serious street cred.”

“They called you a disgrace to the capital.” Smoke let out a theatrical sigh as they walked. “I’m the eye candy.”

“Shut your horse mouth.” Burner couldn’t contain his grin. “We are a hard hitting artistic duo.”

Smoke giggled. “So, did you decide what we’re doing tonight?” With a bit of magic off her horn, she pushed through the crowd in front of them, clearing the way as they moved through Canterlot’s busy downtown streets. All around them were ponies, rushing every which way as they concluded their day’s business. Nopony minded the direction they were supposed to walk, leaving the street a crowded mess.

“I was thinking zombies. A shambling mess of them all up and down that new department store.”

“Oooh.” Smoke wiggled her tail. “I like it. Taking a potshot at consumerism. Inspired by that mare who got pneumonia waiting out to be first in line for a sale?”

“Uh. No. Actually.” Burner coughed. “I just like zombies. They’re cool, you know?”

Smoke gave him a narrow look and pursed her lips. She elevated her tail just so. When that wasn’t quite enough to make the message sink in, she lifted an eyebrow as well and intensified her stare.

That did it. Burner cleared his throat. “But, upon further reflection, I’m sure I was subconsciously inspired. By those topical events you mentioned. And other deep, serious, artistic things that look good in newspapers.”

“That’s what I thought.” She smiled and flicked Burner with her tail. “Come on, let’s hurry. We want to get there…”

She trailed off as one of the Royal Guard came into view. He was a pegasus flying over the crowd, and he was looking directly at them. Smoke grabbed Burner by the shoulder and pulled him off the main street. It kept them mostly out of sight, though they made the move too late to prevent the guard from landing near them.

“You two. Hold it right there.” He pointed sharply at their saddlebags. “You planning on doing something with all that paint?”

Burner frowned and glanced down at his saddlebags. The bags were sealed, and while a sharp eye might have noticed the outline of a spraypaint can in the cloth, it was hardly blatant.

Smoke didn’t bother with such introspection. It was not the first time guards had tried to arrest them. “We were on our way to buy tickets for the Royal Guard’s ball,” she said. “Actually, if you’re right here, maybe you could do that for us?” She shoved a bag full of bits at him, discreetly tucking it into his saddle straps. “The tickets are two-hundred each, right? So four hundred for the two of us?”

The guard glanced down at the bag tucked into his straps, then cleared his throat and raised his voice: “Ma’am, trying to bribe an officer of the law is a very serious crime.”

With one of his primary feathers, he pointed behind him. Where he pointed, a pair of crystal ponies were pushing their way through the crowd. Four more unicorn members of the Royal Guard were with them.

“Ah. I see.” Smoke cleared her throat. “Then, please, keep the money as an apology. I’m really sorry. Really sorry.”

Then she took in a breath, horked up something inside her throat, and spat a wad of changeling goo directly into the guard’s face.

The guard let out a muffled shriek and grabbed his face. Ponies in the crowd whirled to look. Burner gaped. Then Smoke grabbed him and shoved him back in the alley behind them: “Run!”

They both broke into a gallop. An officer’s shrill whistle pierced the air. “Stop those ponies!” he shouted.

Minutes ago, Burner and Smoke had gently pushed their way through the crowd. Now, they smashed their way through it, throwing ponies to the side as they barreled up the streets. “Another pegasus,” Smoke shouted. “Stay under cover!”

Burner didn’t see any pegasus, but he did as she said. When they came to another alley, he dived inside and ducked under the rows of hanging laundry. Galloping the whole way, he lept over piles of trash and scrambled over fences, before ducking down a small side passage. For a moment, he felt very clever, knowing that the hanging laundry would make sure no pegasus could follow him or even see where he’d gone.

In the next moment, he realized that he’d also lost Smoke. Then the officer’s whistle sounded again.

Trash exploded out into the street as Burner burst out of the alley. Looking wildly left and right, he couldn’t see any guards, but he could hear them not far behind. He didn’t know which way he was facing, so he picked the direction on the street that seemed to have fewer ponies. For blocks, he sprinted as fast as he could.

Then somepony hissed: “Hey, stallion. Over here!” It was an old pony, sticking his head out of the front door of one of the street’s shabbier apartment blocks. “Come on,” he hurriedly gestured Burner inside.

Burner took the chance without thinking. The door to the apartment building shut and locked behind him, leaving him in a quiet, dingy hallway. It was just him and the old stallion—an earth pony. “You okay?” the old pony asked.

It turned out he was a fan of street art. He loved ponies who “stuck their nose in it.” And one of his friends owned an apartment in a building Burner had graffitied. The price had gone up.

So he invited Burner in for tea until the heat died down. They talked, through the old stallion did most of the talking. Burner learned about his life and his kids. Outside, the sun went down. The stallion’s wife came home, and Burner got to meet her too. She made brownies, and Burner promised to come back and have a word with their granddaughter who loved to draw.

Around nine, there was a knock at the door.

When the old couple opened it, a dozen guards were outside. With them were a pair of crystal ponies, and Princess Cadence.


“You can wait in the hall,” Princess Cadence told the couple.

They did. Burner still hadn’t gotten up from the table, so Cadence sat across from him. He bit his lip and looked down at his hooves. Eighteen hours remained before he turned back into Light Step.

Burner’s heart pounded in his chest, so loud he could barely hear himself breathe. Options flashed through his head, ranging from leaping out the window to begging for mercy. His eyes stung, and tears started to form inside them.

But then Double Time’s words ran through his mind. It was changeling magic, he thought. Don’t break character.

So he lifted his head and looked Cadence in the eye. With a flick of his eyes he glanced at the table, then back to her, and with a voice lanced with contempt said: “Well, this is dramatic.”

“If you don’t care for the venue,” Cadence replied tartly, “we could have this talk in a courtroom instead.”

“You’ve got me on, what? A few charges of vandalism? Most of which won’t stick since the owners won’t press charges. One count of breaking and entering.” He snorted. “I’ll do six months, tops.”

“We could skip the trial.”

“That’s true!” Burner gestured at her, and his tone took a turn for the upbeat. “You could have me thrown into a dungeon in the place you banished me to.”

He let things hang there. Cadence stared at him. He levitated one of the brownies off the table. “You should take one. They’re really good.”

“Fine.” Cadence sighed and rubbed her jaw. “Fine.”

“Take it as a compliment that I did not think you’d have a pony jailed for embarrassing you in public.” Burner shrugged, taking a bite out of his brownie. “You’re nice like that.”

“You’ve had a lot of very unkind things to say about me in the last year.” Cadence stared at him. “And my husband. And my sister-in-law. Things you said in public. And I suppose you’re right. Embarrassing me isn’t a crime, and I don’t think it should be a crime. So you’re going to get your slap on the ankles and go home.”

Burner shrugged again, but before he could say more, Cadence went on: “But I do want to know what it is exactly that I did to you. I think you owe me that.”

Burner didn’t think. The words came out on their own, and his thoughts only followed: “You pretended to be one of us.”

A smiled brushed his face, and he went on. “Like, I get it. You were born mortal. A pegasus, right? Whatever. You were nopony. You could go shopping and stop by a store and buy something because it was cute, and nopony would put a sign in the window advertising that Cadence once shopped here. You could get drunk and it wouldn’t end up on the front pages. When you screwed up, you could honestly comfort yourself that nopony gave a damn.”

He gestured vaguely in her direction, stalling for time as he finished the brownie. “And that’s great. It’s amazing. I love being nopony. And I totally get why you want that back. Why you want to be that mare. But you’re not that mare.” He laughed and tapped his forehead. “When you get drunk, you can start wars. Your fetish for watching your husband do other mares is national news because it saved a kingdom from being enslaved. If you comment that two ponies don’t seem like a great couple, they get divorced.”

Cadence sat there stone-faced as Burner wildly gestured with both forelegs. “They get divorced! Because you’re the Princess of Love. You get it? You’re a giant in this world. You are spiritually, metaphorically, whatever, huge. So big you can crush things by bumping into them. Institutions, countries, people. But you don’t want to be a giant. You want to be this down to earth mare. You’re a mare with a healthy relationship with a husband she respects as an equal. A mare who fixes things with her own hooves. A mare who can confront her accusers instead of taking it like a lame politician.”

Burner held his pose for a moment, legs outstretched. The smile on his face grew stiffer and stiffer, until it became a grimace. “But you’re not that mare. Because one day you’re going to outlive your husband. Because your insistence on fixing everything yourself is why your country’s military is a joke. And because you showed up outside an old couple’s house with a pack of goons and told them to ‘wait in the hall.’ I get that you’d never explicitly threaten them. I get you probably didn’t see it as anything but your royal prerogative. But what your body language said is, ‘get in the hall or I’ll throw you out of your own home.’ And now they’re afraid. Ponies are supposed to love their princesses and they’re afraid of you. You bumped into something and you broke it.”

Finally done, Burner let out a long breath and slumped back into his chair. “You broke it,” he repeated, looking off at the window.

“Alright,” Cadence said. Her expression hadn’t changed once throughout the entire speech.

Burner’s head snapped back: “That’s it?” His eye narrowed and his tone turned sharp. “That’s all you have to fucking say? Alright?”

“I don’t know what you expect me to say. That’s a pretty good reason to be mad at somepony. I don’t even think you’re entirely wrong. I’m a person, not the abstract ideal of a princess. Sometimes I need to be that pony again or I’ll go insane. But…” She glanced around the old couple’s apartment. “I make mistakes.”

“Fine.” Burner drew in a breath between his teeth. “Well. I’m glad I could answer your questions. Do you have any more, or is this where you arrest me?”

Cadence scrunched up her muzzle, giving Burner a quizzical look from across the table. “You’re really not afraid of being arrested?”

“I already told you. Six months tops.”

That produced a humorless laugh, and Cadence tilted her head to the side. “This isn’t how I thought this conversation would go. I thought you’d fold like wet sponge under serious pressure. But you’re playing this character to the hilt.”

Cadenced paused for a moment, watching the stallion across the table. She saw his face freeze. “Sorry, Light. But after shapeshifters nearly enslaved me twice, I thought I should take some additional precautions. Nice spell, by the way. Whoever your changeling friend is, they’re a gifted wizard.”

She rose from the table and stretched. “I’m not going to arrest you. But, Thanksgiving is in a few weeks. And when you come home, I want you to say sorry to Twilight. She’s been under so much stress because of that mural you made of her. Ponies won’t stop asking her to smile and blush for photos. She's so frustrated she cried. You understand?”

When there was no answer, Cadence sharpened her tone: “I said, do you understand me?”

“Yes,” Light replied, turning to stare at the floor. “I understand.”