• Member Since 18th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen Jul 15th, 2019

Charlemane


Writer, actor, programmer, and a few dozen other things...

T
Source

4131 EC, a year of no importance. Thousands of years ago, the entirety of our universe consisted of a single planet, an idyllic world of harmony and peace. Now, the galaxy is a hard place. The Age of Harmony is over, the old order is dead, and all that’s left of our once glorious civilization are fractured states in decline.

My name is Horizon Seldat. I grew up on a slum colony orbiting Luna six. My life just got a little complicated.

Chapters (35)
Comments ( 324 )

Why would anyone vote this down? This story of yours is pretty dam good and interesting and you made a really good world with it so far. Keep it up man, I'd love to read more :raritywink:

EEEEEEE! You updated! You're not dead! :pinkiehappy:

I know.. I was wanting to see an update here myself. I have to wonder how much longer the poor pegasus can survive at this rate though.:rainbowderp:

Thanks guys. It's good to see some feedback. Glad to know at least someone is reading. ^_^;

1039671 Yep I'm still around. I'm just taking my time trying to make these chapters the best I can make them. Of course it doesn't help that I only have about an hour and a half a day to work on them. Stupid jobs.

I'm really not satisfied with how this chapter turned out. I'm hoping I'll be able to do better for the next one, but for now, I've tried editing and redoing this chapter for the last month. I'm done. Time to move onto the next chapter. Feedback appreciated! What worked? What didn't? Comments/ advice welcome. Angry tirades on poor grammar are also welcome. Let me know what you think!

Not bad at all i enjoyed it, the question now is how it follows up that is the key in its plot or its ruin for me.

I kinda wish the description had more to say about the background of the fic. But I'm going to read it, so it's moot for me.

I can see why others might move past it though. :facehoof: But that's their loss. I hope this is as interesting as I'm thinking it is.

2493878

Yeah I get around :raritywink:

Now shhh, reading. This reminds me of my sci fi story and I'm loving it.

It's slow, and very long winded, a second character to go with him would have been great, in my opinion. Some dialogue would've been nice, I loved this chapter because he finally started talking with others, i.e. the tower.

It's a pity such a good take on future Equestria is so buried.

2493827
Thanks! Glad someone finally took an interest.

My story suffers from a data dump in the first chapter which turns most people off. I also have trouble keeping my grammar in check. I tend to think in sentence fragments, which is a bad habit I picked up when I was young, and one that I have to fight against to get anything coherent out onto paper. I'm planning on rewriting chapter one later on to bring it up to bearable status.

The background is kind of difficult to explain. What you are reading is basically my rough approximation of what Equestria would look like given 3000 years of development and a certain set of criteria. I had to do a lot of world building before writing chapter one, and I've done a whole lot more since then. I have a timeline that I am working off of, as well as several design documents to help me keep track of everything, I also have a rough outline of the entire story from start to finish. I also have a timeline which might be helpful for some people to understand why things are the way they are. I say that with a bit of warning, however, as I've been told that it is very dry reading.

Thanks for the comment!

The saddest and strangest thing about this story? 440 views. Sixteen upvotes.

Yeah, what the buck?

2494171

Not everything works out the way we want it to. From what I've seen sci-fi doesn't traditionally do that well outside a few stand out titles. Something inside me dies every time I see another Halo/star wars crossover in the featured box, but that's just jealousy talking.

Regardless, I hope you've enjoyed what you've read. I know that it has problems, but it is what it is.

2495180

I did, I loved the parts that focused on that fact they were pnies the most, of course. Some more of that and more characterization I would say would help a lot.

I called my friend annoying when he said 1st person present was a limiting perspective, but I think I'm starting to see his point. I would say that hurt this story too. :pinkiesad2:

2496161

Thank you for the kind comments. I'll try my best to improve as I go along. It's just nice to have some real feedback for once XD.

2497629

My recommendation? Start another story, maybe try and get it a better limelight to start with, you miss that first feature and it's hell trying to climb back out, just make a good hook and switch over, the intrigue is there, just needs something...more.

I'd conclude this part of the story and maybe try to write a part two or some such, silly but it'll work if you wanted to remain with these characters. Or you could do what I do, just write an entirely new fic, and end up with nine of them. :pinkiehappy:

2497760

Hehe sorry I'm joking with you like this, I can't really offer much help, truth be told.


Unless you wanted to write one of these collabs I have piling up with me. :rainbowderp:

*Readies his Collab group speech...*

2497772

I'm interested in the collab idea but I'm not exactly sure I would be the right person to help you with it. My grammar is iffy at best and you've seen the kinds of problems I have. I'm also not sure if I would have the time to contribute meaningfully to it. While I don't have any other stories aside from this one, I've been busy with other things. Right now I'm working with Silly Filly Studios in directing our next production on top of job hunting, studying for my network+ certification, and voice acting. :b

2497772

Group speech? O dis gun b gud. *grabs popcorn*

2498766

Bwaaaaa you work with Silly Filly? The janimations folks? :rainbowderp: Screw my lame stories, let me work with you guys!

2499695
At this point it might be best to continue this conversation via personal message. I'm going to send my response via the fimfiction mail system.

This story rocks I can't get enough of it:moustache:

you know how to spin a story very very well. I am hooked on this story and can't wait for more please update soon. I both love you and hate you for creating such awesome cliffhangers. Horizon it seems can't get a break but hopefully he'll pull through

2840840
Aw... Thank you! I really appreciate the feedback. The next chapter is coming, though as with the others it's going to be a bit. I've been super busy these past few days.

It's the twin or a impostor defense. "It wasn't me!" and he is telling the truth

4102411 Thanks for the comment and yeah, pretty much.

4102466 I've played the first game, though it really didn't strike me as awesome as it was made out to be. I have number 2 on my steam account but I never played it.

This story is the best I have ever read. I was on the edge of my seat the whole time. This story provides a perfect blend of mystery, slice of life, science fiction, and action, all wrapped into a very well put together story that flows like a river. The lore that accompanies the story is also very creative and obviously very thought out, in the fact that the lore never slips up once. I am eagerly awaiting the next addition to this.

9.5/10

4103672 Aw thank you! I put a lot of hard effort into building the design docs for this story so I hope you'll be around to see i completed. ^_^

4104624 Hey thanks. Hope you enjoy the rest of it.

1207276 i'm liking your story. i'd've expected this to be a bit more popular. at least you have been getting some positive feedback, makes all the difference.

4104923 I've had a smile plastered to my face for the last day thanks to this sudden surge of feedback. I just think it's funny that the moment I posted the update the site went down for maintenance. Thank you for the kind words.

i happen to think that this chapter is pretty darn cool. we got some crazy stuff with a thick dose of Dues Ex Machina. i'm enjoying this.

4105326 I've always felt that deus ex machina is a plot element that demonstrates an inability to resolve something naturally. Lately I've been using it a little too much.

i do think this is an awesome story. The space nerd side of me is very happy and I think you did a good job with the chapter.

One thing that i try not to forget whenever i make something, is that everybody thinks that the things you make are better than you think they are. That goes for art, to fiction, or pictures of yourself.

as i said, i think the story is great and that you are doing a good job. for a moment there i interpreted 'i'm moving on with the story' as a sign that you were moving on with something else and giving up on this. derp. anyway i think you should keep it up. I'm favoriting this so that i don't miss out on anything :)

4106052 Thank you for the words of encouragement. I'll remember them.

4106129 no problem. i only just noticed all of the other responses you were giving me 'til now. but ya, i did a bit of fan fic writing a few months ago on my deviant art, but i gave up when after a hundred views nobody said a darn thing. i know how important it is for writers to know how the readers feel. and you already know how i feel about your story. you have deep characters and compelling events and it is a pity that it isn't reaching as many people as it should.

I would have read this story even if it sucked. This kind of science fiction is so rare here. With that said, this fic is awesome! The characters are believable, the technology cool but not blatantly unrealistic and the action has been great!

4108669 Thank you! I agree this website doesn't have enough good sci-fi (and I don't mean halo crossovers) but I guess that just means I can fill in the gaps. xD

What's this story's level on the Sci-fi hardness scale?

One very important thing; Never write numbers, such as twenty one like 21 in stories.

Is Silvermane sure she knows what she's getting into?
And, am I right in guessing theirs some kind of conspiracy thing going on here?

4143654 I'll keep that in mind in the future. Old habits.

i almost feel as if things are going to go a whole new direction. Before long the license and justice issues might be taken care of. and then what? you've made a whole universe. You have the princesses who are probably still alive. Political issues that our character get's mixed in with. maybe now twilight is the new starswirl and there are some universe shattering things floating around because of her. Maybe something cool like that could be a sequel after horizon's life get's fixed up. idk, the more ideas the merrier.

I expected this chapter to take much longer, seeing as your average publish gap is around 1 1/2- 2 months. But, even in a shorter timespan this chapter still maintains fairly good quality, even if this chapter is a filler, I still like it.

4143763 One thing you might have noticed from this chapter is that I treated nearly every scene break like the start of a new chapter. This was intentional. This chapter represents new beginnings. Sure things were resolved, but new things cropped up. The main character doesn't need to run for his life anymore, and has chosen instead to go on the offensive. Or at least that's how I hope it came across.

4144094 I see that on reflection. And I guess I did perceive that on some level when writing my other comment. I am ready to see what exciting stuff you whip out. :trollestia: getting into deeper and crazier issues would be so cool. especially what i said about twilight but you probably have your own plans so I wait in anticipation.

4143633 I wouldn't say it's hard sci-fi. I count it more toward the future fantasy genre. Here I'm using science fiction as a setting to tell a story, rather than as a demonstration of a scientific principle. I'm no Arthur C. Clark or Isaac Asimov. I have only a cursory understanding of science at best, so instead I'm intent on making a best guess for the environment and focusing on the characters instead. The catch-all, and I suppose grace in this case, of Equestria is that it has magic. So you can do something using in-universe sci-fi that you couldn't do elsewhere. You can say 'because magic' and actually get away with it. You'll notice that this is what I did with the Sparkle Drive. I needed a way to enable characters to travel faster than light, yet take time getting to their destination. I don't have enough of an understanding of the Alcubierre Drive See on Wikipedia to make that work, so in a moment of inspiration I thought, "Do it with magic!" Hence, extreme range teleportation.

For the design documents I made prior to starting the story. I decided to take the tech level of modern day Equestria and try to project that over several thousand years. To date I have about 200,000 words written simply for design purposes. I have several documents tracking the time of day and date, a complete timeline of events leading up to the start of the story (for socio-political considerations), design documents (and a few really shitty sketches) detailing things like political structures within each empire, the feel of the different races' technology, as well as what I have found to be the single most important document so far: The inventory document, which keeps track of who has what attached to what items, and where said items currently are. The last document gets updated with every chapter I write.

All in all it's been a tremendous effort, but the result has been paying off in dividends. I can keep track of everything I need to instead of making it up on the fly, and that has helped the writing process tremendously.

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