• Member Since 12th Nov, 2011
  • offline last seen Oct 27th, 2013

Mystic


T
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Deep in the earth, a shadow grows in strength. The Gates of Tartarus are breaking. The fires of revenge are burning.

A lone prince, a traitor to his kingdom, is waiting. He is waiting for power, waiting for the dawn of his new day. Yet the moment his victory is all but ensured, when Twilight Sparkle herself lies helpless before him, the prince starts to forget the line: the difference between who he was, and who he is now.

Can a traitor ever be anything more?

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 73 )

Holy hell :twilightoops:

Stories off to an awesome start, fav'ed

1071886 I sure hope so!

1071989 Hahah, I'm glad you like it!

And once again, your ability to describe awe-inspiring set pieces leaves me dumbfounded :pinkiegasp:

Nice! :rainbowkiss: Are you going to turn Twilight on Celestia? That'd be kinda twisted. :twistnerd:

1072029 Heh :D Thanks! I know I sure love writing it! Haha.

1072108 Oh no, I have other things in store for her... :trollestia:

It is well written, but I cannot feel nothing but disgust after reading. Especially from what you done with Twilight.
I do not think that I will watch it. Too dark for me.

1072807 Haha, if it makes you feel any better, you are meant to feel disgust at this point!

So Tartarus is a mixture of Hell, Mordor and the Negative Zone? Interesting :pinkiecrazy: Althought poor Twi... Cutting of the alicorn of an unicorn must be pretty painfull. As I understand she is now without any magical power, correct? That would be like cutting the hands of an human, depriving him of the tools that actually define humanity. She is now just an earth pony how cruel... My and my fantastic racism :pinkiecrazy: But when I consider the facts: a maimed, young and innocent mare in a place where torture, rape ans pain are the standard social begaviour, than I have to wonder if you don't have something against her :rainbowderp:

1072811
I told that it is well written, and I suspected that it was written in that way intentionally.
Kinda reminds me some good fictions (not fim) which used Lovecraft based mythology.
Well, I expected good writing from author of 'The Sun Whispers Your Name' :)
But I still cannot read about Twilight in that state.
I suspect that you will change things in future, but I do not want to hit another cliffhanger while things are as they are.
So, do you suggest me to came back later when several chapters are released ?

Let´s get to reading!

____________________


Well.. Very well written, the story just completely sucked me in, you really put a good storyline there and I can not wait to read more! Twilight will suffer, bwhahaha :D. Thumbs up and faved. :)

Oh... my. So dark. I like dark. This is really dark. I like this. A lot. I only fear for Twily. Though, I guess I should, at this point.

Dear Sweet God... That is just awful. I knew this was going to be dark, but Twilight's life is literally now just hell.

Quick question: Is this story being set apart from your other work in progress, or is this going to be a part of it?

I don't remember if you've answered this or not, sorry if you have.

As for the story itself, pretty freakin' brilliant. Your prose is a tad purple, and before you take that as a bad thing, I enjoy purple, just don't go over using similes and you'll be fine in my book. As for the description in general, I don't think I've really ever written anything that has painted such a bleak and depressing picture in my head, and red for that matter. It was great. I was sketchy with the first person POV at first as well, but I think you've pulled it off so far.

And your characters, gah! They're vile and down right disturbing, but some of them are oh so very interesting. Albeit they're not really someone I'd want to get to know, just due to the fact that whatever it is I would discover about them wouldn't be very pleasant, and they probably don't think about too much anyway. I particularly like Skelleitzor, if only because he seems to be the only playful thing down there -- playful in a twisted and warped sense, mind you. I do question what he is, though. He's lived countless millenia and he himself has even mentioned he does not know who he is. The Little Prince calls him a Shadow Wraith (and I myself don't know what that entails), but he can also shape shift, it seems. How do we know that wasn't what he originally was? We can't, not really, all speculation and such. I find that interesting.

Also, it's actually hard for me to comprehend in my mind just what Beelzebub looks like. That may just be for the better, though.

Moving on, I don't quite understand what Skelleitzor was trying to say when he mentioned "ponies never change" and "The Midnight One". He goes on to mimic Celestia just to point out the terrible grudge The Little Prince has against her, but I still don't see what that has to do with Luna =/

As for the problems with this and EqD, the only things I can really think of is the over all dark place you've written, the rather extravagant description, or the first person POV. If it's neither of those, which I don't honestly see too much of a problem in, then I don't know what it could be. I guess I'll be awaiting that blog post and it's in depth explanation.

And once more, poor Twilight :fluttershysad:

1073099 Oh yes, no magical power from her. Well... to an extent. :trollestia:

And heavens no! I adore Twilight, haha. This story was really hard to write in some parts for that very reason. The more I make a character suffer, the more I love them. If I didn't like her she'd be dead, hahaha.

1073117 Well, the entire story should be up in the next couple of days, so yeah, I guess you could do that! You certainly wouldn't have to wait terribly wrong before you could read the entire thing in one go!

1073785 Poor Twilight. She certainly gets the rough end of this stick, haha. Thanks for reading! :pinkiehappy:

1074131 I also like dark, haha. Which perhaps is self defeating, but ah well. Do what you love!

Thanks for reading!

1074307 It is set apart from the other stories. I did, however, steal heaps of the world building from it, so you will certainly see similarities and names popping up again, but they're technically different universes.

Yeah, I love having shades of purple in my description (much to my editor's frustration at times, haha). The key is moderation, I guess. Can't go too far in one direction otherwise then we start having a problem.

Most of the bad guys were really interesting to try and construct; it's far too easy to fall into villain clichés and keep them two dimensional. I know with this I really tried to give each one their own living breathing personalities while keeping them all suitably creepy and in some cases downright dangerous. Skelleitzor was always a particular favourite of mine, as well. I got the idea for his character in my head and I couldn't get him out. And so here he is! Creepy and trolling!

With Beelzebub... rotting flesh, white eyes and a horn. There really isn't too much more to describe than that. The eyes are what's important most of the time.

As for Luna... I have a sneaking suspicion that there are some answers given next chapter! :trollestia:

Thanks for reading, and thank you for the comment! They certainly make my day!

This is how a Dark Fic is written!
Now to relish in the deliciousness of it.
...
I have relished and it was satisfying.

1077394 Haha, I'm glad you're liking it. Thanks for reading!

Omg... this is beautiful. :pinkiegasp: :heart:

Is it just me, or do I sense shades of Barlowe? I'm definitely sensing Dante and Milton. This is in no way a mark against anything, ever. These are some of my favourite things, and then ponies. Oh good lord I'm back in the pony Inferno, it's just... I can't... omfg just wow~
So happy.
I know I have more (and more coherent) words in me to react to this but I can't for the life of me untangle them right now; you'll need to give me a moment.

More. More.

OH. MY. GOD! My friend, you have earned an instant watch just from that chapter.

1077877 Oh man, now I want to get my hands on a copy of Barlowe. It's so expensive, though! D: Interestingly, Dante's Inferno is another item on my 'to read' list. Fortunately with that one, I have a link to a free version online, haha. That kind of imagery is definitely what I was taking inspiration from. I know my demons' personalities drew quite a heavy influence from Doctor Faustus, which rests within that same hell archetype.

Regardless, I am super happy to hear that you are enjoying it so far! Thanks for the comment!

1077979 Hehe, I'm glad you're liking it! Thanks for reading! :pinkiehappy:

1077166 The more I make a character suffer, the more I love them... The more I make a character suffer, the more I love them... The more I make a character suffer, the more I love them...:rainbowderp:

You know that a healthy relationship works a little bit in the opposite direction do you? :rainbowhuh: We care for those we love, and make the ones we hate eat theit own faces or cut their bellies open, nail their guts to a tree and make them run around it till they die. The Hussite Wars are such a wonderfull source of inspiration...:pinkiecrazy:

1078575 Wait, wait, wait... Are you telling me that I am meant to treat the people I love... nicely?! Good lord... that explains so much.

Hahah, but seriously! I put the characters I love into stories, and generally terrible things happen to my characters so they can learn something, or to show a particular theme or idea. Let's face it, it sucks to be my characters, but hopefully stories come out that aren't completely awful!

1078772 Yeah I know what you mean :twilightsmile: Suffering is also a good way to make the character more sympathetic or to explain his background and motivation if he's more of a anti-hero or even a villain. Considering this tendency of yours and the great job you've done with All paths lead home, you should maybe consider making a story in the Fallout:Equestria setting. My newly found love for that alternative universe has nothing to do with it of course :scootangel:

1078882 Oh man... I've always wanted to do a story in the Fo:E universe... but I could never live up to the giants. I would have to have the absolute perfect idea, and so far, inspiration is yet to hit! :raritydespair:

1078897 You could never live up to the giants? Filly, please! All paths lead home, althought more like Mad Max or Stalker in my opinion, is practically Fo:E but without guns and pegasi extinct :raritywink:

1078948 I would be so depressed because I would be constantly comparing it to Project Horizons. It's my favourite fic in the fandom for a reason! Haha

1079012 I know it sounds wicked but until now I've only read Heroes and Guise of Chaos, two wonderfull side stories with characters so flawed and yet determinated to be better ponies that it's simply awesome, and only started reading Fallout:Equestria, so PH still lies somwhere behind the Horizon. The best part about the setting? Ponies are suddenly able to be psychotic monsters! As an example lets use my favorite arsonist bitch from GoC - say hallo to Cinder "Cindy" Trails :pinkiecrazy:

th09.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2012/067/0/7/you_almost_burned_me__by_kibugamikenzo-d4s3cs9.jpg

1079079 Oh man... PH... PH is one of the most entertaining stories I've read, published or not. And I adored the original Fo:E as well.

Siiigh. Who knows, maybe one day I'll come up with a good plot idea for one of my own.

1079098 I have to read them, the problem is I've get something that could almost be called a life that inteerferes with my hobbies :raritydespair: I don't know if it helps, but as I've noticed a repeatable motive in the Equestrian Wasteland is maim, rape, kill in whatever order you choose :pinkiecrazy:

I hope this ends well :pinkiesad2:

Yup this fic definitely goes to eleven :twilightoops:

1084234 Hahah, I try not to do things halfway! :twilightsheepish:

These are the times I don't understand FIMfiction.
How can a story this good have only 19 likes?
Madness I say! And not the Spartan kind.
Now to wait for the next installment.

1084324 It's the grimdark curse! Haha. That and the word count. This site has a scarily short attention span. That's why you hardly see fics over 10 or sometimes even 5k words in the featured bar, haha.

Regardless, thanks so much for reading and thanks for the comment! :twilightsmile:

Tim

I don't know if I like where this is going... Especially because I don't know where this is going.:twilightsheepish: But it's very well written and I'm a very curios person. Good story. So far.



:trixieshiftleft::trixieshiftright::trixieshiftleft: *secretly gives you a Schnauzer :moustache:*

By the darknes between the stars... I'm glad. I'm so glad. I was already afraid he had some fealings for Celestia. Luna is best shipping when it comes to Alicorns :twilightsmile: Hm... Shinings dead? Considering that I dislike Cadence and the lose of her husband would surely bring her pain I would say I'm alright with it.:pinkiecrazy: Of course I'm still sad about Twilights faith... When I think about your tastes I think a downer ending is the best possible what we can get :rainbowlaugh:

1084751 Hehe. :trollestia: Mystery! I like it! I'm glad you're liking the story, and thanks for reading. :twilightsmile:

1084925 See! I told you; I kill characters I don't like! Haha. I was at a loss at how to knock Cadence off in this story, though, unfortunately. Ah well. Next time!

As for the ending... well, I am full of surprises! :D

1084953 You sir are morbid :trixieshiftright: Not a monster like Pinkanon and his Cupcakes, but the best option I can think about when it comes to an ending is:

a) A...:rainbowhuh: The Prince, whatever his name is, saves Twilight and betrays HIM, dying in the conclusion of his actions + gaining the Princesses forgivness.
b) As a), but he doesn't die but stays trapped in Tartarus enduring torture till the end of eternity.
c) He tries the above but fails, HE wins and the Prince get's to be Belzebubs toy for all eternity.
d) Everyone dies and the universe comes to an end. Happy End :pinkiecrazy:

1085082 Pfft... it's totally none of those...

Oh lord now I have to re-write the entire ending! D:

1085197 HE will accept the ponies friendship and everypony will have cake, that's actually poisoned to kill every enemy of Equestria? :raritystarry:

Still just as dark as ever. And I sill like it. The darkness... It pleases me.:pinkiecrazy:

1078204
I didn't want to make a comment before reading the second chapter, given to the fact that it actually appeared exactly when I was going to read this, but:
YOU DIDN'T READ DANTE'S INFERNO YET?! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!

Sorry. But seriously. WTF! There is one book about this pathetic hell/heaven-stuff worth the time and you didn't read it.
And don't come with that 'But the translation from old-italian is so dry'-mimimi!

Going for the next chapter and a more..polite comment.

Yes.
First off, I shall thank you for writing this. It reminds me on something, something that went into the dephts of my mind in the past weeks, something that I definely shouldn't forget one more time.
Then: This was (is, will hopefully stay) beautiful. Nothing to say about your word-generating and stuff, and since this is a seperated storyverse (isn't it?) I haven't to break my head for any answers I'm still missing, just like what created Tartarus etc.. Pure enjoyment!

Alas, you said no cliffhangers. Can't accept that statement to 100%. This gave a bitter-sweet taste into my mouth, making me call for more tortured Twilight. Even if it seems that Aurvandil (as long as you like the name..) is going to develope a more helpful relationship to her, I request a mature-rating for further ..actions. I say it as it is: I would certainly love to see our Twilight bleed, broken.. Aww, I want to see that lovely, lovely little foal slaughtered just one time. - But, do it with love! Teach me war!
Hmm, I think my dark side is getting up again, you shall not see more of this (for now).
- I'm out!

The Sun Whispers Your Name was the first fanfic I ever read on FIMFiction. You have no idea how excited I was when I found a new story on your page. I'll just go ahead and auto-like/fav :twilightsmile:

I'm still trying to get past how dark this is, though. :twilightoops:

1085483 //Shifty eyes... Mebby... You will have to wait and see! :trollestia:

1085606 Hehe, I'm glad you're liking it!

1086506 I'll read it, I swear! I will, I will!

I originally did plan on making it a whole lot darker, but I eventually decided against it. After all, I don't really have the pull that someone like SS&E has and even he can't get a mature dark fic off the ground! Still, there is plenty of Twiabuse here, hahahaha.

1087601 Well I'm thrilled to hear that you have been enjoying my work! :pinkiehappy: Rest assured, there is a lot more coming (and none of it is quite as dark as this one, haha).

Thanks for reading! :twilightsmile:

Chapter 3 is pretty good! 5/5 !
The description of how he thinks of Luna and what he acts is awesome.

Really glad to read your new story.
I enjoyd The Sun Whisper Your Names
And I also enjoy this.

I recently read Immortal Games and your newly updated fictions too.
Oops. I like this kind of fictions. :D
Great battle scene!
GJ!

I liked it. Really well done.

1097185 Hehe, I'm glad you enjoyed it! And there is something important to know in this fandom, and that is epic adventure is the best genre. Hands down, without a doubt. Ponies and action, they just go so well together!

1097268 Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!

1097359 Meme references in the comments. Oh yes! Heights of fame now! Hahaha. Thanks for reading! :twilightsmile:

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