Awkward departures
“Anything yet?” asked Twilight, anxiously adjusting her glasses.
“Nope. Twilight—uh, Twi still ain’t answerin’, Twily,” replied Applejack, closing Sunset’s magic journal.
Rarity looked apprehensively at the pedestal mirror beneath the restored horse statue as Pinkie knocked on the glass with her right hand. “Perhaps we should give her a few more minutes,” she suggested.
Rainbow Dash groaned, “We’ve been sending messages since yesterday! This is urgent! Sunset needs Twi’s help now! If she’s not paying attention, we gotta go and find her ourselves!”
“Portal’s open!” called Pinkie Pie, calling the girls’ attentions. They all looked over to see a pink hoof at the end of the arm that had finally passed into the mirror. Fluttershy got closer to look over Pinkie’s shoulder in amazement.
“Sweet!” Rainbow cheered, running over to Pinkie to copy her. “Woah! That’s freaky,” she added, seeing her hand turn into a hoof on the other side of the mirror’s surface.
Applejack looked on. “Well, at least we know that works. Good thing Twi set it up so that the journal can trigger it from this side, uh, somehow.”
“Darlings,” Rarity called out to her two friends who were now part pony, “perhaps it’s best to not try leaning in more than one person at a time. If we’re really going to do this I want to make sure none of us get—ugh.” Rarity shuddered, thinking back to last week’s movie night. “Rainbow Dash, honestly, did you really have to make us watch that horrid horror movie? There’s no way any flies can travel through this portal with us, is there? We can’t get mixed together during the transition can we?”
“Oh my! I hadn’t thought about that,” Fluttershy gasped and took a step away from the hooves she had been staring at. “And I was actually looking forward to this a moment ago.”
Rainbow rolled her eyes, “Relax, don’t Twi and Spike—uh, ‘Claws’ leave together, like every time they both visit? Twi hasn’t shown up with a dragon or dog’s head yet!”
“Rainbow, please,” Rarity pleaded, “I really don’t want you putting any more such ideas into my head before we—”
They were interrupted by the sounds of clopping. Looking over they saw Pinkie with both arms in the mirror clapping with the resulting hooves. “Sounds like banging coconuts together,” she giggled.
“Is it really necessary for all of you to go?” asked Twilight. “Some of you can stay and try to help us find Sunset.”
“We’ve talked about this, sugarcube. You, Spike, Flash, and the Crusaders are all goin’ to be stayin’ here lookin’ for Sunset. We even alerted the principals about what’s up; they said they’d be helpin’ out too. So there’s eight of ya here for her, and one of y’all’s a regular bloodhound.”
“That’s right!” said Spike the dog. “I’ll find her quick, I got her scent memorized. In fact it’s easier now that it’s gotten all brimstony.”
“Spike!” Twily chided. “That’s not nice.”
“What? I definitely smelled brimstone on her yesterday.”
Twily groaned, drooping her head low and slumping her shoulders.
Applejack put a hand on Twily’s shoulder. “Don’t you worry none, Twily. Twi will help us help her. We’ll get our friend back to normal faster’n you can core an apple.”
“Faster than Twily can core an apple?” asked Spike. “Have you seen her in the kitchen?”
“Spike!” Twily protested.
“Even I core apples faster than you and I don’t have hands.”
“You don’t core apples, you just chew them core and all.”
Spike just raised his head and looked at her proudly. “Yeah, you humanes are way too picky with your food. Much better my way.”
“We humanes like to taste our food.”
“Hey now,” Applejack cut in, “how ‘bout faster’n ah can core an apple?”
Twilight sighed and smiled back at her. “Thanks Applejack. Just, please hurry back.”
“We will, that’s why the five of us are all doin’ this together. We’re gonna split up and search, uh, whatever is around the other side of this here magic portal thing, find some, er, pony that knows where Twi is and bring her back here. Shouldn’t take more’n an hour.”
“Applejack’s right,” Rarity added. “The more of us searching for Twi the quicker we should be able to find her. It’s a completely different world after all …. Well, it is known to have some parallels to our own, but still, we don’t really know what that world looks like. We only had a few glimpses at the Friendship Games. It’s best we all look together. This way we will be able to divide the time necessary to locate our princess friend and avoid interfering with their world too much. We’ll all be back home before you know it!”
“That is IF we ever get going!” Rainbow Dash called back to them. “Come on, we’ll be fine! My hoof here looks … well, I guess hooves aren’t normally blue, but it seems normal otherwise, so do Pinkie’s! There’s no problem! Right, Pinkie?” Rainbow looked back to the mirror expecting to see one blue and two pink hooves at the end of her and Pinkie’s arms, but instead saw her blue hoof and what seemed to be a long clump of pink cotton candy. “What the!?”
Beside her, Pinkie had turned around and pressed her rump up against the mirror causing a long, curly, pink tail to appear on the other side. “I have a tail! I’m tail twerking! Wheeeee-he-hee!” she cheered as she wiggled her hips around, watching her tail bounce and wag after them. “Oohh! I wonder if I can write my name like this.” Pinkie proceeded to move her tail around to shape out letters with it.
That got Fluttershy’s interest back. “Oh wow, we really will turn into ponies won’t we?”
“Yeah!” agreed Pinkie. “Ponies with fun poofy tails and fur in all sorts of bright, pastel colors that don’t normally appear on ponies! At least in this world.”
“Don’t forget wings that won’t disappear after a few minutes!” Rainbow added. “It’s going to be awesome!”
“Ohh! that’s right!” said Pinkie. She took her rump away from the mirror, grabbed Rainbow, and spun her around to press her back against the mirror revealing two blue wings as a reflection.
“Woah, Pinkie, a little warning!” Dash tried to turn her head around to see her wings without pressing her face into the mirror.
“WARNING!” yelled Pinkie, causing Rainbow to startle away from her with a shout and fall backward into the mirror. “Oops, I’ll try a little-er warning next time.”
“Rainbow!” Fluttershy ran up to the mirror. “Are you alright?!” she called into it, hands cupping around her mouth. After a few seconds of not receiving an answer, she pressed her ear up against the surface then squeaked and flailed her arms to angle herself away when she felt her ear pass into the mirror.
After steadying herself, Fluttershy looked around at her friends while biting her lower lip. She reached one arm into the mirror and gasped when she saw it turn into a yellow hoof. She took a breath, put her other arm in, closed her eyes, and let herself sort of fall through.
Once all but her legs were inside the mirror, the rest of her seemed to be pulled in by an invisible force.
“Wait for me!” Pinkie cheered. She took a few steps back for a running start and jumped in after them with a cartwheel. “Whhheeeeeeeeeee—!” her voice was cut off abruptly as she disappeared.
Applejack, Rarity, Twilight, and Spike all traded glances with each other and their reflections in the distant mirror.
“Well,” Rarity began, “I suppose it’s my turn then.” She took out her cell phone and began taking selfies at various angles and facial expressions.
“Rares, what are you doing?” asked Applejack.
“Should that mirror disfigure me, I’ll need photos for the surgeons to use as reference.”
“Ah’m not sure a surgeon could turn a pony head into a human head no matter how many photos ya give ‘em.”
Rarity put her cell phone back in her skirt pocket and began slowly walking to the mirror, picking up speed and growing louder as she spoke. “Well, then I’ll sew myself a helm that looks just like these photos and never take it off!” Upon her final word she took one last look at her reflection and hopped forward into the mirror.
In the silence that followed, Applejack turned to Twilight. “Alright, Twily. You take Sunset’s journal, we’ll use it to keep in touch. Ya let us know if ya find Sunset and we’ll let ya know if—WHEN we find Twi.”
Twilight took the journal from Applejack and hugged it tightly to her chest. “Be careful.”
“We’ll be fine, Twily. From everything Twi told us about her town it sounds very nice and homely. ‘Cept for when giant monsters or that Discord feller is up to no good.” She cringed when she got a look at Twily’s worried reaction and was quick to add, “Which ah’m sure ain’t happenin’ right now. Heh’eh.” Her eyes darted side to side, unable to look directly at Twilight.
“It would make sense though. Why else wouldn’t she have written back yet? Something must be going on over in their version of Canterville right now.”
“If’n that’s the case, then we’ll stay inside her castle and keep safe until she saves the day. Heck, we might even get to see our pony selves in action together as they fight whatever off! We’ll be fine, Twily. Ah’m sure a royal castle is well protected and not just some big empty building in the middle of a monster-infested town.”
“Sorry, Applejack, I’m just not really comfortable with magic right now; given everything that’s been happening lately.” Twilight’s gaze drifted to the ground and Spike stepped closer to her, placing a paw on her leg.
“It’s alright, sugarcube. Jus’ remember, all ya gotta think about is findin’ Sunset. I believe she really needs ya right now. She’s really taken to ya you know.”
“Yeah,” Twilight blushed, “I know. And I’ll find her.” She looked back up at Applejack. “And you’ll find Twi and we’ll get Sunset back to normal!”
“That’s the spirit,” said Applejack, giving Twilight a pat on both shoulders before walking to the mirror. She took a look at her reflection and called back with a smile. “Ya think ma hat will still fit me?”
Twilight smiled back. “If it doesn’t, you might be able to borrow one of pony Applejack’s hats. Well, assuming she wears hats.”
“Of course she does! Ain’t no Applejack in any world who don’t wear a good hat!” And with that she dropped to all fours and crawled into the mirror. “Might as well start walkin’ like this now,” she mused to herself.
Twilight and Spike walked up to the mirror after Applejack vanished. Spike called into the mirror, “Say hi to Claws for me!”
After a moment, Twilight placed a hand on the mirror but she felt only glass.
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Your first work you say? One would not think it, this is pretty good. It is so, so rare to see a crossover of this stripe, I am quite looking forward to this.
While I managed to figure out what "faster’n" means, it really doesn't translate to a written format. "How about faster than I can core an apple?" just reads better. If I may?
There's a trick ye ken, to writing accents. 'tis not just about writing it out phonetically, as that doesn't always scan right in a written format. 'tis about vocabulary, word choice. To take the marquee example, Applejack and Rarity have different vocabularies, different backgrounds, different accents.
Rarity takes care to maintain an air of sophistication and elegance, which is of course reflected in her careful choice of words. Meanwhile Applejack pays much less heed to subtlety and speaks her mind clearly.
Now this isn't a call for you to drop the phonetics entirely, as they do have their place. For instance, helping to keep everyone straight in a six-way conversation. But sometimes too much affectation can clutter up a sentence and jar the reader.
Yeah, I've been re-thinking how I show Applejack's accent. I've adjusted the severity of it a few times in editing. I've seen some writers go really deep in the phonetics and I don't really like that for anything longer than a short paragraph. I think, replacing common words like "you" with "ya" and "I" with "ah," and using apostrophes to abridge and combine words like "faster'n" and the like is about the worst I've left her at. At one point I had her say things like "wa'do'ya mean" instead of "what do you mean." But I've since pulled back from that.
Granny Smith is in another story I'm working on. I have her accent a little more severe, but I think it shouldn't be a problem as she only has a couple paragraphs.
Well, I'm watching this one. And I'm picky. Not much happening yet, but it sounds like you've got the characters down, and you didn't open with the weather, or use "nervoucited" or "20% cooler," and it doesn't look at all like chapter 2 is going to open with a dream sequence. So far, so good!
Also, thank you for showing Spike the Dog some love.
You seem to know the characters pretty well, so let’s see where this goes!
Should that be letting instead?
Humans?
Humans.
Other than those mistakes pretty good so far.
Well, I'm intrigued. Sunset's missing, and possibly a demon again? An excursion to Equestria?
And 'humanes,' huh?
You definitely have the ability to write each character so that they sound, well, like themselves. There are some very creative lines in there, and the dialogue is just overall pleasant to read. Like, I can practically hear them talking.
I think the opening “for reader” exposition was a bit heavy, though, particularly when AJ was re-explaining the situation to Sci-Twi. In that way it felt weirdly like I was reading the script to an actual season opener or EQG special.
Also, that line from Rarity about the flies got me spooked!
Oh no ... Your version of Apple's sounds like ... Jaggers!
Already this is looking good.
...As long as you don't bring it with you, anyway, else the portal would link to the world it's already in, which almost certainly would result in catastrophic failure.
While the word 'human' wasn't used in the first two movies, it has in fact slipped in afterwards. They are officially 'humans'.
This is good but there’s one thing bothering my mind...
Twily and Twi...
Why not just Princess and Twilight? I do look forward to reading the rest but I’m just asking why you chose this approach.
9510424
Where were they called humans?
9510612
Twilight has made it clear that she doesn't like using her title unless it's a requirement, so I figured the girls would try to come up with different nicknames for both of them.
So Sunset smells like brimstone? That can't be good.
Am I the only one who wanted to just physically kick them into the portal to speed things along?
9520888
Don't worry, Shrek will save her.
I don't like the portal foreplay. Specifically the parts where they stick their hands in and they immediately become hooves. There is no direct one-to-one conversion between human and pony! What happens if you stick ONE finger into the portal, huh? Is it gonna turn into one fifth of a hoof?
What about if one of the girls just pressed her boobs into the mirror to see what happens? Humans have them on their chest and ponies (probably) have them on their lower abdomen. What the heck would happen then?!
9884532
Twilight stuck her human arm into the mirror and it was shown to become a pony leg on the other side in the first movie.
vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/3/3d/Twilight_sticks_arm_through_the_portal_EG.png/revision/latest?cb=20130724232727&format=original
hahaha monty python
Why am I thinking about the movie called "The Fly"?