1. Never hit the same house twice.
2. One room only.
3. No more than five minutes.
4. Run if you think you’ve been spotted, no matter what.
5. Leave empty-hoofed if you can’t find anything.
Those are the rules of burglary, as far as Warded Lock is concerned. She follows them religiously. They’re good rules. They’ve served her well. She’s made a lot of money following those rules. She hasn’t been caught yet.
But one wealth-redistribution excursion yields a mere pittance in stolen loot. Lock knows there’s more valuables deeper in the house, where her rules say she’s not supposed to go. She could get to them, if only she was willing to bend those rules. So she does and goes deeper into the house than she ought.
Then Lock stumbles on a horrifying secret.
The job is instantly derailed.
And everything goes straight to Tartarus.
Has an audio drama created by My name is R.
This is really promising. Looks good.
Nice story so far!
Please write more! I can't wait to read what happens next!
From the description alone this sounds like the Netflix thriller "Don't breath". I look forward to reading this
First you had my interest, but now you have my attention. The whole black magic angle reminds me of a game I've been heavily enjoying recently, and I can't help but picture the protagonist as a slightly-less-lawful Daring Do expy. A very intriguing setup so far, and I can't wait to see what you have in store.
Hooked and landed! Excellent so far.
Aghhhh cliffhanger!
Well. This just got way more intense. And clearly the whole mansion is in on the sacrifice thing. What's going on here?
When you're bad at chess, set the board on fire.
...That's an option in chess, right? IDK.
9261372
I... think so... At least, for wood boards...
Ok, yeah, this is basically the most thrilling thriller that ever thrillered.
From bad to worse. What are these people trying to accomplish? And what's this crazy plan Lock just came up with?
Nice, hate to see books get burned, but... yeah, i’m Ok with those black-magic books going up in flames. Otherwise..............
*Sees complete tag*
Oh, whew. I was worried for a second there that the guard was actually bankrolled by the cultists.
I love thissss. So well written and adrenaline-inspiring!
9261480
I could not agree more.
It's over. Everyone's alive. It's over. The Guard showed up and was helpful. It's over. THANK CELESTIA!
Seriously good job on this. I was on the edge of my seat from start to finish, though I admit I did some skimming so that it wouldn't last as long. (I have anxiety and other mental potatoes, your writing was fine.) Lock is a very good pony. I'm willing to bet that after hearing her testimony and considering the role she played in saving the unicorn and preventing the ritual, the worst she'll get is a slap on the fetlock and the confiscation of her stolen goods. Maybe recruit her for official investigative work?
This was amazing! The descriptions of warded lock's movements and thoughts throughout the mansion made me think of the thief games, and I loved the suspense! I would be happy to see more stories with warded lock, but this is a good end as well.
The way this has been going down... I like how it’s been about stealth, feeling like an intense game of chess. To me, suspense can be (and in this case, is) just as thrilling as action!
Approved for The Goodfic Bin
Lock could be a Radical Dreamer.
Dat was a damn good, suspense-filled read! Solid work and I hope you can make another bid at such sometime.
9261412
Or Cardboard!
I kept waiting for the royal guards to be evil or something. It's nice to read good horror with a happy ending.
I think that's a typo.
Will you ever consider doing an epilogue or a sequel to this? So many unanswered questions; what was the ritual for? Who was the unicorn? Who're the family?
Or maybe something to get to know lock? I dunno.
Anyways that was one of the most well written thrillers I've ever had the pleasure of reading, good job.
I like Warded. Unlawful, but not a bad pony, just weak. I am intrigued by the story so far.
here
I wonder if the pony from the entry hall told anypony else about the odd hoofsteps...
Well, it's time to deal with a local. Hide, talk, or fight?
here
I liked your take on batpony nighttime exploration. They're usually just given night vision, but this is even cooler.
9262424
I think she's gonna set the mansion on fire to distract the cult. The downside being that now she will be wandering around not only in a mansion full of murderers, but one that is also on fire.
9261372
Or email a virus if you're playing by (e)mail.
The story is fantastic so far, but I do have one nitpick:
The locksmith pony who is the Master of Unlocking (and hopefully not soon to be a Jill sandwich) probably could have picked the gate in far less time than it took for her to find the actual gate key. I suppose the problem with picking the gate is that she’d have to do it out in the open, but she’s been blasting through these other locks so quickly that I can’t see it being an issue. Maybe the gate lock is too big for standard lock picks to work on? I’d buy that.
But I digress. With that nitpick aside, everything else here is fantastic. I kinda want the servants to not just be in on it, but to actually be the ones in charge. Like… there’s old money, old money, and then just… old. Like the servants have had this rich family hostage for generations, with their heirs being raised specifically for sacrifice.
Good horror fics like this make me start guessing. The storyline and evidence provided is enrapturing enough to hint at possibilities, but the truth is frustratingly elusive, just as it should be.
Now to see what actually happens…
Burn it down.
That’ll teach them to use oil lanterns.
I enjoyed this story greatly. There were twists & turns, a genuine struggle with characters persevering through sheer willpower and luck.
And fire.
I got to ask - did you draw a map of the mansion, to keep track of where Lock is going?
Extremely tense and atmospheric fic, in any case!
11609227
Not a very detailed one, but I did have a rough idea of what went where in my head.
All in all, a very solid, extremely tense thriller story!
I think leaving the ending open-ish like this fits perfectly with the rest of the story, where we (seeing things through Lock's eyes) don't really learn much about what's going on and why, and by whom, beyond the most obvious level. And that works!
Featured in August for The Goodfic Bin
This is the moment you realize this is not a house you want to be in
Stealth check your way out of this one
I love this line
She's gonna set the house on fire
And they all lived happily ever after ~
There's a certain art to making a story keep its pace up. About how to make it feel like things are moving on, without feeling like things are being rushed on.
I'm pleased to say I don't think this story wastes a single word. It's not a hugely deep story, but at 20,000 words it isn't trying to be: It keeps things brisk, providing us just enough information to keep us going. Warded Lock doesn't have a ton of backstory, but she doesn't need to. The details of what the family is trying to do, who they are - for this kind of story these aren't needed. What is given is a good idea of what Lock is trying to do - where she is in the house, the meaning behind her actions, and so forth.
Instead the result is a brisk, focused story which is relatively easy to follow: While some of the climbing actions were a little confusing, for the most part I never had trouble understanding what was going on - one thing many action stories struggle with.
Congratulations on writing such a well-focused story. I'll definitely be trawling the rest of your catalogue.
A well written tale. Captivating from beginning to end. 9/10