• Member Since 9th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen 43 minutes ago

Mkchief34


I'll see you Starside, everyone. Through rain, shine, or clouds. (Crossovers Only)

T

When the bearers of the Elements of Harmony discover a strange machine buried beneath the Everfree Forest, they did not understand what lied in store for them. Upon activating the device, it sent a message to the stars...

...and the stars responded in kind, with a force unknown to the Equestrians, unlike anything seen before.
====
When the Vanguard of the Last City receive a strange message from a lost Golden Age Colony, they dispatch Guardian Fireteam Horizon to investigate the source.

Neither the Vanguard nor the Guardians could anticipate the journey that was ahead of them. As they stand against the Dark, as the new protectors of Equis, a new shadow lurks on the horizon...
===
Destiny and Destiny 2 crossover, set after Tirek's defeat. Will have original concepts and characters, along with features from both games. Expect swearing, gore, and violence.

Fireteam roster - Here.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 41 )

Didn't you have another Destiny story? Is this a remake?

Also, liking it so far!

g00d



EDIT, post actual reading: very g00d

I hope that your Titan believes in the almighty power of Punch.

9300443
Good...good. Also, I love this premise, and feel as though Anubis-3 and Korvak would get along beautifully.

Cant wait for the guardians to meet the ponies. Chapters are a bit short but they're great!!

"It still sounds a lot like necromancy." she said.

The vex would likely agree with you on that one twilight

...We need Cayde-6. I don’t give a shit if he is dead, I WANT HIM IN THIS STORY.

I meant Cayde actualy going. With his slight insanity as well.

Very good, and a very promising start. However, the beginning was following an example we both seem to have fallen into, which I will detail later. Point is, good, but it needs much more meat. The dialogue and reactions with and by the Warmind and the Elements when they meet him and enter him is much, much too quick. It suffices thanks to your great hook, but it should still be improved once you get the time. Add meat to it. In other words, detail. Make the ponies give expressions, and stop saying "said" after each line of dialogue. Trust me, that will get old, annoying, and borind real, real fast for everyone involved. Look up similar words to said, and at times don't even bother saying said. Sometimes it's okay to just have a line a of dialogue, then an action or expression by the character, then a continuation.

Either, grand work. If you need any help, simply hit me up. I'm always open. :twilightsmile:

Further note: I do not mean to be rude, but you seem to be taking a lot of portions quite obviously from similar stories. I'd recommend trying to, not remove, but clean it, edit it, so that they are not so obvious.

9411467
I haven 't done anything like that.

I love these chapters they're amazing. I wish you could upload faster though I understand if you have irl stuff going on. Hope you keep it up its a great fic!

Nice to see a hard mention of where in the timeline these events take place. So at least the Warmind DLC has been completed. Not sure if it was mentioned before where in the Destiny timeline this story took place, it's been a while.

9413110
Apologies, then, for my assumptions. I just couldn't help but notice how similar they are to a few other stories like this.

9413111
I do, but I prefer not to share it out in the open.

"Aliens don't exist, Pinkie." Twilight said. "We're alone in the universe."

Replace said with, "stated in a deadpan." It gives the story and the character more of a personality.

True to her word, the ground beneath them was slanting at an ever-increasing angle of depression. As the ponies watched the earth beneath them fall away, they fell into some kind of hallway made of metal. Applejack landed haphazardly on a sheet of steel.

This part still needs more meat. Try adding at least two more paragraphs describing the fall. Warminds tend to be underground, so the idea this paragraph gives is that it was a short fall. Even so, it's too short, if you catch my meaning.

As the ponies looked around, they saw the pit that had ensnared them was in fact some kind of entrance to a metallic hallway. Strange screens and readouts lay scattered across, all emblazoned with a single symbol.

Same as the last note, try adding two more paragraphs minimum describing the hallway. As far as it stands, all I can imagine with the current paragraph is a hallway with walls composed entirely of computers. Nothing else. No architecture unique to Warmind bunkers, no hum of machinery, just those screens. Always use the five senses to describe things, at least when they are applicable. In this case, some of them can be applicable.

You could say the air smells stale, since the Warmind was dormant. You could say everything feels dusty, or, as suggested before, that the room is humming with machinery.

"I think Pinkie's right." Rainbow said, astounded. "I mean, who could've built this place?"

Perfect point to insert a gesture from Rainbow, like her sweeping a hoof out at the room around them. Gestures are always a good thing to add, they make the story more immersive, among other things.

As the six of them proceeded into the vault, Harrison watched them through the CCTV feed built into his network. Though an ancient, Pre-Golden Age concept, it was still more effective than the motion sensors and security measures that were currently inactive.

The red words are those you missed.

Twilight and her friends jumped and curled up, Twilight herself scanning for the speaking.

Should be "speaker"

"What? Who's there?" she asked, head whipping around, trying to find the source. Many of the others did the same, huddling together for protection. "Where are you? How are you speaking Equish?"

The words in red are a suggestion I feel would also work as an example of what you should try to do; add more meat. Expressions, actions and gestures like the ponies huddling together or whipping their heads around, all that jazz. Furthermore, doing all this paints a much clearer picture in the reader's mind of what is going on, of how the characters are feeling and reacting to their situation.

"Okay, can we start with names?" Twilight asked.

There should be a pause before this. As in, Twilight should be more hesitant to respond, as should the rest of the girls, save mayhaps Pinkie. This is an unknown being they are dealing with, and while Twilight is naturally curious to a fault, even she would be wary of something like a voice speaking from nowhere. I'd honestly imagine her first thought to be that the voice was either a ghost or a powerful mage or unicorn projecting their voice.

"I am Harrison, AI Warmind of this world, planetary designation is Solaris II Colony," the voice replied eventually. "We will discuss further contact face to face, Twilight Sparkle. I would advise holding onto something."

Another correction. Commas are put at the end of nearly every dialogue sentence, and in this case, just the first dialogue sentence. This is because dialogue is not strictly considered a sentence, so writers put commas at the end of them save in special cases like these, where the comma only goes at the end of the first bit of dialogue.

As for the other correction, that is basically how you address the pause you added before this paragraph.

Before Twilight knew it, the floor slanted once again, and they fell down a transit chute to the Central Hub. "AHHHHHH!!" She screamed as she fell.

"WHAT THE BUUUUUUCK?!" Rainbow cursed as she fell with her friends, trying to slow her fall.

"WHEEEEEEEEEE!" Pinkie cried happily, simply letting it happen as she threw her hooves up in joy.

They all then fell into a large, open chamber, one on top of the other, causing small plumes of dust to erupt around them. After their coughing fits had ceased, they groaned.

Harrison watched as they dusted themselves off, and then promptly froze at the sight of his energy core.

None of the ponies would be so nonchalant about falling down a transit chute, especially so suddenly. At the least, I'd recommend screams or cries of alarm from them, as shown with the red corrections above.

"What are you?" Twilight asked, looking up at Harrison in awe.

"That's impossible!" Twilight exclaimed, mane starting to fray. "Humans are myth, legend! The most learned scholars and historians haven't found any proof to their existence!"

If Twilight simply "said" it then there wouldn't be a need for exclamation points. Since those are there, it should be "exclaimed" "cried" or "shouted" or something similar.

"Untrue," he replied shortly after recovering from his mirth. "I was built and activated by humans under the leadership of the Clovis Bray Warmind Development Facility in Hellas Basin, Planet Mars."

Much too quick of a recovery. Robot he is, I can understand it, but he's a Warmind, an extremely advanced AI with a personality of his own. As such, he should act just a little more human. This can be shown with the corrections in red, but take all of these corrections as examples, and not something to copy and paste.

"No! Wait, I'm sorry." Twilight said after her outburst, trying to salvage the situation. She did not want to lose this opportunity. "I'm just shocked. Ponies have always believed that humans are myth, and a machine built by them just shows up on our doorstep!"

Another correction.

"You've been here for over ten centuries!?" Twilight gasped again. "This is...unbelievable!"

She didn't gasp yet, so the word again is out of place here.

"Sure!" Twilight said. "But…can I ask questions about humanity?"

Again, too quick of a recovery. Add at least one more paragraph before this showing her trying to calm down further.


I once again apologize if this is coming off as rude to you, but I do sincerely hope you have gleaned some knowledge from all of this. I am here to help, after all.

Have a good day/evening! :twilightsmile:

-Timeless Celestial

9413268
This takes place during the Age of Triumph in Destiny 1, with some elements of Destiny 2 added in, such as Ana Bray returning to Mars, references to the Red Legion, and finally a sister of a Hive God showing up. It's a semi-AU of the series due to the mixed timeline.

"That's impossible!" Twilight exclaimed, mane starting to fray. "Humans are myth, legend! The most learned scholars and historians haven't found any proof to their existence!"

Hmmm
*start looking through fingernails*
Nightmare moon...
Discord...
...crystal empire...
Do i need to continue?
*smiling cheshire-ish-ly*

Is that "Ahamkara in the Reef" something from the grimoire cards?

9468195
Oh, it's Riven from Destiny 2. She made the Dreaming City.

Also, she's the final boss of The Last Wish raid.

I can't wait to see exotics, and play styles of each. Also good on building the lore into it. This seems to take place between Osiris and warmind dlc? But what about the speaker? In Canon I know most dlc are about a year apart frome each other...
Also, is it D1 supers or d2?
Man so many questions. I know to much about this game - _- and this looks like a good crossover, unlike a lot of the other destiny fics I've rrad

9477106
Hecks yea! He gonna be blowing everything up with his shield 030

9478056
um... excuse me its called 'grape flavored Captain America'

9513683
Well, i miss the days of my all powerful bubble shield from d1, so call it what you may, ita still bubble titan to me. Even if the bubble now sucks comparatively

9413111
I think they mentioned direct message through fimfiction

This is a good story thus far, keep it up.

Pls continue it!
Pd.- So... Savathun is now controling the taken uh? xD

9661204
Yeah, she's one of Oryx's sisters and she took Riven, and indirectly cursed the Dreaming City..

9661853
Yeah,but i evalue the possibilities that Xivu Arath can be the one too
(Srry for my bad english xD)

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