• Member Since 6th Oct, 2018
  • offline last seen Yesterday

BattaIsRoseH20


(WARNING THIS USER IS SUPER SENSITIVE!!) Hello! I'm H20 aka Battarose. You could find me on youtube as BattaroseVA! You could find me in equestria amino as BattaroseVA .

T
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Starlight and Sunburst are going camping together. Sunburst wants to tell Starlight that he has feelings for her, Starlight also has feelings for him, but they both don't know how to break the news.

This is my first ever story! It's about my most favorite ship (Starburst).

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 7 )
Comment posted by i_am_the_jam deleted November 18th
Comment posted by BattaIsRoseH20 deleted November 18th

Nice little romance fic you got here, I enjoy some parts.

But you need to go in fix some stuff, the story have potential it just need some fixin'.

9260144
Glad you liked it,
What needs fixing? I will look over it :)

9260399
Alright.
I noticed while reading this story you have so many sentences that could be easily merged together for example:

Sunburst was first of all was confused, but he nodded at her. The finally got to the beautiful pond. Starlight grabbed a rock, she aimed it at the pond, she threw it and the rock perfectly did four skips in the pond. Sunburst looked at Starlight in amazement, he never knew that she could skip a rock that far, "How did you do that, it honestly looks impossible?" He said puzzled.

Sunburst was first confused, but nodded at Starlight. As the finally got to the pond, Starlight grabbed a rock and aimed at the pond then threw it. The rock perfectly did four skips in the pond, Sunburst looked at Starlight in amazement he never knew she could skip a rock that far, "How did you do that? It honestly looks impossible." He said puzzled.

From this little work I did, I merge some sentences together and fixed a few spelling and or grammar errors while at it. Aim for something like this it makes reading less choppy and a bit more fluid to read.

Another thing when came to the fight scene of the story it felt block-y, when it comes to these types of scenes in a story fluidity is key and describing specifics details can give more life to the part.

Most of this stuff is easy to catch when you going back and doing edits, personally I just reread what I wrote and catch and mistakes or things to improve.

This is a wonderful story, some issues with spelling and grammar, but understandable. I personally shipped Starburst hard when I first saw Sunburst, but over time I've come to prefer StarlightxTrixie. I feel like Twilight and Sunburst might be a better pair... or more appealing, personally is SunburstxMe! XD

9290655
Thanks, Friend!
I'm currently fixing the errors. I actually can't choose on which ship I like more, I like all the ships XD. Anyway, I'm glad that you liked it!

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