Even if the Sky Goes Dark

by Mitslits

If Only...

"Dashie...a-are you okay?" Pinkie asked, swinging open the door slowly.

Rainbow Dash started at the sound of her voice. "Uh, yeah, Pinkie, I'm fine", she said quickly, wiping away a tear before turning around, fake smile pasted on her face.

Pinkie stepped tentatively into the room. "A-are you sure? Because we can talk about it...if you want", she said sweetly.

The pegasus fixed her with a glare before brushing past her. "I SAID I'm fine", she snapped. "Let's just get this over with."

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth to say something, but closed it, sighing instead. She trotted mutely after Rainbow Dash who was supposed to be helping her clean up Sugarcube Corner so they could go to a party later that evening. RD had excused herself for a moment, but as the time stretched on, Pinkie began to worry and had pursued her. Pinkie could have sworn she had heard crying only a moment before she had opened the door. If only she could just tell Dashie how she really felt about her. She wished she could tell her the only bed she wanted was Rainbow's soft as silk fur, the only home she wanted the place where Dashie was...But every time she tried to say something to her, she went as mute as Gummy. Helplessly, she wiped down the counter, staring longingly at Dash who was mopping the floor, a sour expression on her face.

As Rainbow viciously swiped the mop over the wooden floor of the sweet shop, she felt the pink pony staring at her. She wished desperately that she would stop. Her cheeks were beginning to burn with embarrassment. It would be so much easier if only she could just tell the pink pony that she loved her, that she would love her no matter what happened. But anytime she tried to tell her, Pinkie would throw a glance at Rarity or laugh with Fluttershy and insecurity would overwhelm her. Angrily, she threw down the mop. "What time is the party?" she snapped.

Pinkie, startled, watched the rag she had been using skid off the counter. "About fifteen minutes from now!" she said brightly. "At Bon Bon's place."

"Look, this place is spotless!" the irate pegasus swept a hoof around, indicating the shop in general. And she was right; every surface was sparkling. "Can we just go now?" Sullenly, she picked up the mop, leaning it against the wall. Then she picked up the rag, sliding it across the counter to Pinkie Pie.

Their hooves touched for just a moment and both faces were suffused with blushes. "Sure", Pinkie murmured. "I just have to lock up. Be right out."

Outside, winter was setting in and the air was chilly. A fog had blanketed the town close to the ground. Rainbow's breath billowed around her in a cloud and as she stood there shivering, a few lonely snowflakes drifted down. She felt a sudden warmth on the back of her neck and looked back to see a yellow and purple striped scarf draped neatly over her shoulders. Pinkie was right beside her, a similar scarf wrapped around her own neck.

"You can't stay out here with nothing, silly willy!" Pinkie giggled. She began to bounce off happily, heading off into the fog.

Rainbow flew slowly after her. "Er...thanks, Pinkie." As they made their way through the streets, the pegasus couldn't help but laugh softly at the childish delight the snowflakes brought to her pink friend. Seemingly without a care in the world, the pink pony would veer off just to catch a snowflake on her tongue or wriggle in a snowdrift. But the thing Rainbow liked best was when a snowflake would land on her back without her noticing. She would give a little 'eep' of surprise and spin around quickly, eyes wide. Then she would just shrug it off and keep going.

But eventually, their walk had to end and they reached Bon Bon's house. As they stood outside, Rainbow thought how easy it would be to kiss Pinkie at that moment. Her pink mane was even more tousled than usual, and her big blue eyes were bright with excitement. Her cheeks were red with the cold and the scarf fell in the perfect way...Instead, the pegasus pushed open the door for her.

"Thanks, Dashie!" She bounced past her and into the crush of the party.

Rainbow hadn't noticed before how good Pinkie smelled. A bit like cotton candy and sugar. It was a tempting combination, but she had to ignore it. She made her way into the welcome heat of the house, making sure to stay away from the dance floor. If there was one thing she was truly horrible at, it was dancing.

"Let's dance!" Pinkie cried. Perhaps it would cheer Dashie up. Without waiting for an answer she spun away onto the dance floor, shaking and shimmying like the earth was ending. She was a little disappointed when her friend didn't come to join her, but she continued alone until she decided to raid the snack bar. And then cupcakes caught her eye and then it was Sugar Rush Central.

For the rest of the night, Dash could see that little pink head bobbing in twenty places at once. She shook her head in wonder. How did Pinkie Pie do it? Strut along confidently with absolutely no secrets? If only she had her charm and open personality. And then she noticed a difference. There was no more little pink head. Scanning the crowd quickly, she began to make her way through the mob, searching for Pinkie. And there she was, curled up in a corner, half-asleep, clutching a half-eaten cupcake to her chest. As Rainbow watched, the pastry slid from the inert pony's hooves and the lids closed completely. "Oh no you don't", Rainbow laughed, shaking Pinkie gently. "Come on, let's get you home."

"O...kay...", Pinkie mumbled, stumbling to her hooves. She pressed close to Dash as the cyan pegasus, blushing, led her into the frosty night air. The chilliness of the night woke Pinkie up a little and she trotted along gaily. Her mane bounced lightly with each step and her eyes held a brightness that could only come from true happiness.

That alone almost made Dash confess, but the proximity of the pink pony was nearly enough to push her over the edge. But just then Pinkie stumbled and Rainbow remembered she was just coming down from a sugar rush. Speeding up slightly, she caught up with her weaving friend. "Okay, Pinkie, you can barely walk", she laughed lightly. "Why don't I carry you home?"

Pinkie Pie hiccuped. "I don't wanna go home, Dashie", she giggled. "I'd probably wake up the babies and then Mr. and Mrs. Cake would be so. Mad." She pouted.

"Well, where can I take you?" Dash asked.

Pinkie seemed to go deep in thought before perking up. "Your house! I've always wanted to see the inside of it", she said, grin splitting her face in two.

Rubbing a hoof on her foreleg, Rainbow tried to come up with a good reason she couldn't go to her house. "Pinkie, you can't fly."

"But you can", Pinkie giggled. She clasped her forelegs around Rainbow Dash's neck and swung herself onto her back, fastening her hind legs under Rainbow's belly. "Giddyup", she said, then went into a laughing fit.

Rolling her eyes, the pegasus figured she might as well, seeing as Pinkie was already on her back. Spreading her wings, she leaped into the air, veering to one side almost instantly. She hadn't accounted for the extra weight and she righted herself with difficulty. Flapping hard, she managed to make it to her cloud home, collapsing near the doorway.

Pinkie Pie rolled off, eyes softening when she saw the state of her friend. "I'm sorry, Dashie. Here, let me help!" She pushed/dragged her friend into the house and laid her on a cloud couch. "There! That's better."

Dash just grunted in response, still getting her breath back. She barely batted an eyelid as Pinkie trotted off into the dark depths of her house. But she stiffened as the pink pony came back hauling a black leather bag.

"What's this?" Pinkie asked, depositing the bag at the foot of the couch.

Rainbow was off the couch in an instant, but it was too late. Pinkie Pie had already spilled the contents of the bag all over her floor.

Pinkie stared in shock at the many envelopes spread all around her. "Wh-what are all of these, Dashie?" she asked, confused. She leaned over and looked at one near the pegasus' hooves. Then she switched her gaze to another, then yet another. As she looked at more and more of the envelopes, she could see none of them bore good news.

One demanded overdue rent payment. Another told of the tragic death of a family member. Another told of how Gilda had been arrested for assault and battery a few weeks ago. Then Pinkie's eyes landed on one with the seal of the Wonderbolts. She scanned the contents of the letter and gasped. A rejection letter. "Dashie, I'm so sor-"

"Don't say it", Rainbow interrupted, teeth gritted in anger. "I don't want your pity." She turned away so as to conceal the tears welling up in her rose-colored eyes.

Pinkie stepped forwards. "But you can try again, right? I mean, just one rejection doesn't mean they don't want you. And I can help you pay your rent."

"No!" Rainbow Dash stomped her hoof. "Don't you get it? I don't want your help! In fact, just leave me alone. Go on! Leave!" she shouted, glaring at the pink pony.

"But I-" Pinkie protested.

Rainbow would hear none of it. She tackled Pinkie, grabbing her by the waist and propelling her out of the door. She had the sense to set her down on the ground before streaking back into her house, the door slamming shut behind her.

As the door shut, Pinkie gazed sadly up at the dark, silent house. Tears sprang to her eyes and she turned and began to trudge back to Sugarcube Corner. It was freezing and Pinkie's hooves were numb as she quietly opened and shut the door to the sweet shop. She tip-hoofed up the stairs and crawled into her bright pink bed, snuggling down into the sheets.

Rainbow slumped against her door, head cradled in her hooves. She already regretted her rash behavior. But she forced herself to her hooves and began collecting all the letters that had scattered everywhere, stuffing them angrily into the bag. As she slipped the last one into the bag, the sun had just begun to peep over the horizon. Dash stowed the bag in its rightful place under her bed and by then she knew what she had to do. The rainbow maned pegasus exited her house, launching herself into the frigid air. The sun was nearly obscured by the soft gray clouds that blanketed the sky and as Rainbow neared Sugarcube Corner, more snowflakes began to fall.

Pinkie woke to a soft tapping sound. Yawning, she rolled over in her bed, rubbing her eyes. She noticed a blue pegasus hovering outside her window and was instantly out of her bed, heaving open the window.

Dash shivered as she alighted in the room. "Thanks, Pinkie."

"Do you want some of my super-de-duper hot n' spicy tea?" Pinkie Pie asked, throwing a blanket over her friend.

Mutely, Dash nodded, clutching the blanket closer. As she watched the pink pony brew her tea, she wished once again that she could truly open up to her. "Pinkie, I'm sorry. I acted like a jerk."

"I'm sorry, too, Dashie, for going through your stuff", Pinkie said brightly, pushing over a mug of tea.

As she sipped at the tea, Dash closed her eyes and decided to bite the bullet. "Pinkie...there's...there's something I want to tell you. Something I've wanted to tell you for a long time. I...I" She couldn't do it. She hung her head, burying her muzzle in her mug of tea. When she looked up, those electrifyingly blue eyes were so close to her own.

"I know, Dashie. I love you too." She pressed her lips to Rainbow Dash's savoring the feeling of warmth that flooded through her. She tasted of everything Pinkie had ever dreamed of.

Rainbow, amazed at Pinkie's bravery, sank into the kiss. She loved how she tasted of cotton candy and everything sweet. She pulled the pink pony closer, savoring the sound of that amazing giggle so close to her ear. "If only I had told you sooner", she groaned, regretting all that wasted time.

"I know, right?" Pinkie giggled, snuggling into Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow closed her eyes, just loving the sensation of Pinkie. She wrapped her forelegs underneath Pinkie's, kissing her right between the eyes. "I'll love you until the end of the earth, Pinkie Pie."

Pinkie looked up into Rainbow's eyes, planting a soft kiss on her lips. "And I will love you even if the sky goes dark."

Comments

[RainbouJ]

Awsome one shot

[SilentEchos]

Phenomenal.

The letters though

The ending though!

Then I was like

[Bari]

If I'm going to read this, I need to know now. How sad is this?

[Mitslits]

1023788
It's really not that bad.

[Bari]

Okay, then I'll read it.

[Darkdrake]

1023788

not very

[Lynked]

Does this really warrant the 'sad' tag? I don't honestly think it does...

It is very rushed as well. Way too rushed, and therefore, nothing that goes on really has any effect. None of the scenes make me go, 'Hmm, yep. I felt that'. On top of that, it feels, I don't know... jumbled. Rainbow Dash is sad and crying? Then suddenly she's cleaning Sugarcube corner and heads to a party. Pinkie finds a rejection letter from the Wonderbolts, and suddenly, she's kicked out? I don't think Dash would do that, especially if she was trying to confess to Pinkie.

Also, that last line... it's hollow. That's the problem. The sky had nothing to do with the story, so when you use that line, it's empty. Insignificant. Hollow. Not bad, it just needs more meaning behind it to leave an emotional impression.

Now, the mechanics of this piece are a bit iffy. Firstly, you should probably have an extra space after your paragraphs to break up that wall of text. There's a few typos here and there, and you definitely need an editor. As well, when you want to emphasize something, stick to italics. Bold and caps aren't a good idea.

Something else: Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. Watch out for it. 'The pink pony', 'the blue mare', etc... just stick with the name or a pronoun.

I also think that this has been done before. Its the same, 'I love you but can't tell you' plot that so many stories have. It could use an original factor, but it isn't bad. Those problems sucked my enjoyment out of it though, I'm afraid to say. It's just a flat piece. There's no real depth to it. Again, it wasn't bad.

I think that's all I had to say. Just a general overview of it, my criticism.

[Diamond Sparkle]

How sweet and romantic.

[Dusty Sage]

In defense of "I love you and I can't tell you," I suspect that many, if not most, of us have either gone through that or will be doing so eventually. Which makes it something less than unique - but which also makes it something close to universal.

Okay, maybe it did unfold at a fairly unrealistic rate. I'll get over it.

[Mitslits]

1023898
Trust me, I've tried the editor. That didn't work out so well. I'm way too impatient for that. That kinda goes along with the whole 'pacing' thing too.

The last line was just supposed to show how much she loved her. I mean, the sky going dark would be pretty big.

And, I got used to bold and caps from Facebook chat, where there are no italics.

[Lynked]

1024527 Hmm, well you may want to consider one anyway... You definitely need one (no offense intended). This story's quality would increase by a lot if you had the aid of an editor. The fast pacing would probably be fixed as well. Right now, it is going at breakneck speed. I wanted to read romance, not Nascar.

I know what you mean with the last line, but it is just too flat for an impact. You could, say, have Pinkie noticing how bright the sky is, and have her really admire it, know constellations, moon phases, etc... then, when she says that, readers consider just how much she loves the bright night sky and say, 'wow, that's a lot of love'. Right now, it has no impact.

On that note, what I would have recommended (if I was your editor, and I'm sure any good editor would recommend the same) is that you should have had Rainbow Dash say that last line. It leaves a feeling of completion to the story. She wanted to say it, she didn't know how, then she did... so it should have ended with her. Her conflict was primary.

And yeah, you should just use italics. I get that Facebook has none, but this is a story, not a chat. Just my thoughts.

1024472 Yes, I understand. But what I'm saying is, at best, it should be used as a base. Then, it should be built upon in a unique way. It shouldn't be the plot.

[Erebos]

1024527 why do you have to be so good at writing sad stories

[Alexander-Crossover]

Not a bad story, better than I coul-d do, but I've seen better. I'm still gonna liek this one and I do like it.

[Whiles34]

A very good start! As Lynked said, some editing is required to help with the pacing and some lines that seem out of place. Also, to help explain why Pinkie is able to walk on the clouds of Dash's house and how Pinkie got back to the ground after being expelled from the house. That being said, I liked the sentiment! Keep it up!

[Archvile]

meh... MEH!!! the phasing is horrible, the lack of spacing was annoying, i wasn't much of a fan of this one... sorry >_<

[Mitslits]

1028366
I don't know how she could walk on the clouds, but I did say that Rainbow Dash set her down before flying back into her house.

[CrimsonKing]

Good story, only problem I had was that earth ponys can't walk on clouds, but I can get over it. It is pinkie pie we're talking about.

[pinkamenacupcakes]

awsome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

[Mitslits]

1023898

I don't know if you even still come on this site at all, but in case you do I felt I had to say this: thank you. What you said about the 'last line ringing hollow' legitimately helped me become a better writer.

I think about this comment a lot, almost every time I go to write an ending. Like I do a mental check to make sure I'm not going to be leaving readers with the feeling that the last line has no impact.

So yeah. Thank you. A lot.

[TheMobFighter]

Thanks For Writing This I Was Sad Before I Read This Just Thanks!