The Cantering Appeal
The white stone of Canterlot glimmered in the afternoon sun, each smooth surface sparkling with just the slightest bit of magic as touring ponies marveled at the glowing city. Every color had been chosen with the utmost respect for the sun, and there was nowhere you could look where your eyes weren’t treated to some spectacular sight. The royal purple seemed to adorn most spires throughout the city, and for most ponies, the spires themselves were unique to just this regal city.
So it stood to reason that for a stallion such as Fancy Pants, a pony who had been born and raised here in the luxury of Canterlot, would often go months without appreciating the very unique and high-class sights his hometown would have to offer. However, today was not one such day, and the stallion was out and about, an amused smile on his face while his very leggy marefriend kept stride with him.
“I say, Fleur-di-Lis, would you just look at the craftsponyship on that tower there, just past the castle gates?” Fancy would start, and it would lead on to a very detailed history of such a location and it’s importance to Canterlot’s history. Fleur would nod her head and mimic noises of approval for the lesson, but Fancy Pants could tell she was not as interested in his tour. She posed when visiting ponies would come by, and it seemed like she wanted to become part of the tour more than listen to him give it. “And that’s the Library in which I met the mare who would defend me...I am not boring you, am I?”
“No!” Fleur decried, taking a moment to stop using Fancy Pants’ leg like a pole for her to dance on. “You know how I love when you talk...” she trailed, her face constrained. Had Fancy Pants been a lesser pony, he would have likened Fleur’s thinking face to that of a defecating monkey. However, he was a better pony than that. But yet, he was not good enough to stop himself from thinking of it, which caused him great merriment. “What’s so funny?”
Fancy Pants waived off the question with a quick turn of his head.“Nothing, dear! Just an old joke from my fraternity days at Canterlot University. A good joke is a fantastic way to open relations with other ponies. I dare say it’s exactly the reason I am so successful, in both the fashion world and the world of high-class cooking!” The way Fancy Pants could sell himself, even to those who had to hear it multiple times, was unmatched in all of Canterlot. “If you can make them laugh, Fleur, you can go far.”
“Cooking?” Fleur echoed, her face again twisting into a horrifying visage. “I didn’t know you cooked, Fancy.”
He smiled, giving his marefriend a sidelong glance. “On the contrary, I learned when I was in college from a very special mare. The way you cook and prepare a meal is much like the way a seamstress or dressmaker sews and accentuates an ensemble.” As the two strode past the castle gates, Fancy Pants gave a steady nod toward one of the guards, who allowed the pair to pass uncontested. “It’s all about the details, Fleur. It’s good practice to learn how to create something simple; Something utterly base in nature. Function over form. Truly, the best dresses, and the best meals, I’ve ever seen made it a point to never lose sight of the base nature of things. It’s all well and good to add frills, but if it interrupts with function, well, then it’s no good.”
Fleur stayed quiet as Fancy Pants related his work in both the fashion and, more surprisingly, the cooking industry. They had been together for a long while, but now that she considered it, her face straining from the thought, Fancy Pants did always seem to have only the best utensils in his kitchen alongside the best outfits to wear out and about.
“Sir, is your companion... alright?”
Fleur looked up, releasing the tension in her face as she lost track of her thoughts. Fancy Pants merely chuckled good-naturedly. “Yes yes, she’s quite alright, aren’t you dear?”
“Y-yes...”
“Just a little tick of hers, I’m afraid. I assure you it only means good things,” Fancy declared.
Fleur looked between the two a moment, her eyes glazed over. “Fancy, what are you talking about? And why are we here anyway? I... fail to see what this little excursion has to do with anything.”
“Fancy Pants, how good of you to make it,” a serene, motherly voice called out. Fleur quickly looked towards the source of the voice, her eyes bulging as she saw the Princess striding towards them. Fancy Pants had already begun his bow, forcing Fleur to hastily follow with her own, nearly stumbling over her hooves. “I trust the guards made no effort to hinder you?”
“None at all, your majesty. In fact, I dare say they’ve been nothing but thoughtful and courteous. This young stallion was just asking whether my accomplice here was feeling alright, to which I assure you that she is.” After depositing his current situation, Fancy Pants cleared his throat quickly. “Now, I am to believe you sent for me for more than just idle chitchat.”
Princess Celestia gave her visitors a welcoming smile, beckoning the two to walk with her as she strode down an adjacent hallway. The castle’s red carpet only stretched so far to the sides, and Fleur was forced to keep pace behind Fancy Pants and the Princess, as she found the gleaming stone tiles to be much too cold on the frog of her hoof. Also she was following Princess Celestia. That somehow seemed important.
“That’s true, and let me assure you there is a point to all this,” Celestia informed to nopony in particular. “Very recently, a very... sordid collection of personal thoughts and poetry deposited itself onto me through the use of dragon mail. While such accidents have been known to happen, let it be known that I am not a humorless leader.”
“As I am keenly aware of, your majesty. I do thank you for, how to say, advising me to attend a charity ball in Hoofington on the night of the Grand Galloping Gala some years ago. I have heard that most of the nobility who attended have been met with rather unfavorable press since.” Fancy Pants’ wink was suave enough to not be noticed by any of the guardsponies who were defending every corridor. “I should imagine this incident could be met with a similar fate?”
“Not that I should hope so, Fancy Pants. You see, this incident happened during a very important meeting of nations a week back.”
“Good heavens!”
“It has been the extent of my power to keep the ambassadors here in the castle this long. They grow restless and worse, they wish for retribution.” Celestia’s voice carried an air of bitterness to it. “I fear that my long life has deadened my capacity to understand the shallow depths of which the nobility would sink to demand such a thing.”
“You mean to say they are, if you excuse the brutality of the phrase, out for blood?”
“Yes.”
“Over having to read what I can only gather as amateurishly written smut.”
Celestia sighed. “I believe my faithful student described it as ‘incredibly private attempts at relieving stress through the use of penning erotica for personal use’.”
Fancy Pants suppressed a chuckle as he started to grasp the situation. “Certainly a mouthful, Princess. I can see why your guests would be affronted, should your star pupil be the pony who dropped the, ah, erotica, on your proverbial doorstep.”
“Hmph, it’s not like they were forced to read it!” Fleur said from behind, hardly having time to scrunch her face up before Celestia and Fancy Pants turned to stare at her. “I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to speak—”
“No...” Celestia cooed, her lips creasing into a thin smile. “Your honesty is refreshing. The mail sent to me was a very private matter between myself and my correspondents.”
“Right?” Fleur said, her voice suddenly emboldened. “If I was to be sending smut through the mail, I’d hope that it would be meant for me and my partner only.”
Fancy Pants hm’d aloud as Celestia turned her head. “Well, I don’t make it a habit of doing so, Fleur-De-Lis. I should hope you don’t either if you’re with Fancy Pants.”
“I-I-Of course not!” Fleur’s voice cracked. “Never in a thousand years would I stoop so... so...” Princess Celestia was grinning at her. Fancy Pants was holding back what appeared to be a guffaw. “I...”
Princess Celestia put a hoof on Fleur’s shoulder– no easy task, considering how svelte the unicorn was. “It isn’t my concern what ponies do with their partners in private, Fleur.” However, she couldn’t help but suppress a sigh. “No matter what some nobleponies seem to say otherwise.”
“Yes, I seem to recall a certain nephew of a certain monarch speaking out against same-gendered relations,” Fancy Pants mused idly. “Tell me, your highness, what’s old Blueblood doing now?”
“Following the investigations which produced no less than ten years subscription to Unshorn Fetlocks magazine,” Celestia said, her eyes starting to roll, but her etiquette stopped them from doing much more than checking the ceiling for cobwebs, “he was found in the men’s barracks in between two of my most trusted guards.”
“Ah, a veritable worst-case scenario for the old chap,” Fancy concluded. Fleur couldn’t stop her jaw from hanging loose, trying to fathom what she had heard come out of the Princess’ mouth. “Still, I fail to see what this all has to do with me, and by extension, my lovely marefriend here.”
Celestia smiled, her face gaining a knowing look. “My sister and I have been discussing the extent of what this diplomatic faux pas would do to our borders, and we’ve come to the conclusion that these are shattered egos with a lot of political sway. It’s a dangerous combination.”
Fancy Pants kept a steady gaze, still uncomprehending of his Princess’ decree. “I gather you need me for something personal?”
“I’ve been around for a very long time, Fancy Pants. And I need you and your limited perception of life to parse this situation for me. Now, I’ve chosen you for a job not only because of your connection to Twilight Sparkle and her friends as well as the Canterlot nobility, but because I trust you.” Fancy Pants couldn’t help but twiddle his mustache as his chest swelled with pride.
“What would you have your subject do, my Princess?”
-----
Fancy Pants strode through the halls of Canterlot Castle, having departed from the Princess. His job was, for all intents and purposes, simple. He would speak with the diplomats– a paltry task given his fame and good fortune. Being a self-made stallion as himself would demand respect from anypony, even an ambassador. As he approached the large doors near the exit, he found Fleur waiting for him, having not been privy to the personal request of the Princess.
“Why does the Princess trust you, Fancy?” Fleur asked, having been silent since they left Celestia. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her like that. She’s so noble and reserved. But it seemed like you two were chatting like old friends!”
Fancy chuckled, more to himself than at Fleur. “Because we are, dearest.” Fancy sighed through his nose, his eyes glossing over in memory. “She noticed my passions early, following a rather humiliating and public chapter of my life, and she put me in touch with the fashion elite! I suppose I must have been a rambunctious youth, as I certainly won over that crowd rather quickly!” he laughed. Shaking his head, Fancy took a left down the great marble staircase leading towards the ambassador’s quarters.
“Apparently everything I had to say about fashion was taken to heart, and I quickly changed the face of Canterlot fashion! For years I thought it was Celestia’s meddling, and I let her know, but she insisted she had nothing to do with it.”
Fleur cocked her head to one side. “Did she?”
“I’ll never rightly know, but I believe her now. The old elite has gone, and I am the face of the new elite. And wouldn’t you believe it, Celestia may have clued me into that young mare, Rarity’s, passion for the same, but she hasn’t said a word more for it!” Fancy chuckled. “No, our dear Princess may be more of a Chessmaster than any one pony may realize, but talent, hard work, and endless honesty go places, Fleur.”
There was a small silence from his companion as Fleur debated the story. She could argue that it was Celestia who had put all the players in their places, but she had seen Rarity’s work– beyond that of the simple dress she had seen at the Garden Party. “And why she trusts you?”
He smiled. “As the saying goes, my dear, ‘What happens in Las Pegasus, stays in Las Pegasus.”
-----
“So that’s your report?” Celestia asked, her eyebrows raised. Fancy Pants, looking mildly flustered, nodded slowly as Fleur snacked on a nearby sandwich dish.
“It is as I’ve said it, Princess,” Fancy repeated. It took every ounce of his strength not to rub his hooves against his forehead as he reported his findings to the Princess. “What your student has done to these ambassadors is nothing short of, how you might say, ‘A Girl Next Door’ type of situation.”
“You mean to say the proletariat are horndogs?” Luna asked, causing Fleur to spit out the chewed remains of a dandelion tart. Covering her mouth with her hooves in horror, Fleur went ignored by the rest of the ponies in the room as Luna continued. “Well, I suppose times have not changed much then.”
“I’m afraid so. By all accounts, even the griffin ambassador has, in many more words, become hot under the collar,” Fancy Pants sighed, the subject matter starting to take a toll on his demeanor. “Your student’s wiles have upset them in the most... base manner imaginable.”
Luna nodded, taking the information in stride. “Well, at least this is an easy fix. Have the ambassadors visit our royal harem, Sister,” she yawned, her eyes trailing the sun at high noon, “We should be past this juncture by morning.” Fleur spit out a piece of food she didn’t even recall eating. “If the food doth not meet your standards, Fleur, I can’t imagine why you insist upon feasting on it.”
Fancy smiled at Luna. “Still working on updating your vocabulary, Princess?”
“Yes, the court speech therapist has said I have been making great strides in Our– my sessions,” Luna announced proudly. “Although I am to admit I don’t meet with one hundred percent success.”
Stuck on the previous topic, Fleur-De-Lis stared pleadingly at Princess Celestia. “Y-y-y-You didn’t a-actually have a harem, did you?”
“Little sister, we have not had a royal harem in centuries, nor have had use for one for a much longer time. Many small governments within our nation have outlawed them,” Celestia informed without missing a beat. Fleur offered a weak smile as thanks, giving a daisy sandwich, cut into a perfect little triangle, a sidelong, untrusting glance. In the end, she daintily picked it up in her magic, taking only a nibble as she waited for one of her princess’ to say something that would destroy her world. Instead, the three other ponies in the room seemed to be in thought, mulling over how to fix this international crisis. Satisfied, she took a large bite. “Although I wouldn’t mind restarting one.” And out came the sandwich.
-----
Much later, Fancy Pants stood at the front gates of Canterlot Castle, having already sent Fleur-De-Lis home on what she claimed was an upset stomach. As he stared at the majestic architecture, a familiar presence caused him to speak. “If it was anypony else, I’d ask if they were crazy.”
“And they would be.”
He lowered his head and smiled. “Yes, I do say they would be. I don’t know what the devil you’re thinking, but I’m sure it all fits somewhere.”
“You’d be surprised at how much I get lucky, Fancy.”
“I should suppose I’m lucky that I have reason to go to Ponyville this time of year. Rarity should provide a decent enough cover for my visit.” He looked behind, seeing the tall, majestic figure of Celestia. The stood in silence, watching the sunset on the horizon. Above them, Luna strode out onto a balcony to watch over the twilight. “I have plenty of questions.”
“As I’m sure you do.”
“But I won’t ask them. Yes, I’ve learned long ago to not ask questions as to your motive. You really do have everypony’s best interests in mind.”
Celestia stepped alongside Fancy Pants, nodding. “I do.”
Fancy Pants glanced beside him and brought himself up to his full height. “Right, but I haven’t quite counted out that you are doing this for your own personal amusement. I still remember what we did in Las Pegasus, Your Majesty.”
She wore a mildly sour expression, one of the few times anypony would ever see such an expression on their monarch’s face. “I thought we were to never speak of it again.”
“Hard not to, I’m sure you understand. Now then, off to Ponyville with me, ‘lest I keep your student waiting.” Fancy Pants started to trot off, but halted just before the crossing the threshold. “Oh, and Princess?”
“Yes, Fancy Pants?”
“Do let me know if you ever get that harem started up! I can already see new business ventures in fashion.”
Celestia chuckled in a lower tone, like a schoolfilly trying not to be found out. "I have no need, with the Red Letter in eyesight of my chambers."
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So all of these were originally supposed to be at the end of most of the chapters of The Literary Appeal. But I didn't want to break away from Twi and Cheer, so I kept putting it off. So have a bunch of disconnected but still connected series of plot important details that set up Act II.
SO I GUESS ACT I IS DONE NOW? Okay. Fancy Pants is important to the plot now. You guys were supposed to know that before chapter two but OKAY here he is now. He's FASHIONABLY late.
Eh? Eh? You get it? It's cause he's all fashionable. Either way, everything before the first break was going to be posted between chapter 1 and 2, but I finished 2 first and it led so well into 3 and 4... Then I kinda kept going and the second break was supposed to be between the date and the morning after, and... yeah. Yeah you guys get it. It's like... DLC story time.
OH MY GOD FANCY PANTS IS CATWOMAN.
You have won an internet. Please proceed to the nearest webpage to receive your reward. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
Sweet Celestia, I love it when Fancy Pants shows up randomly and is important and stuff. He has to be my favorite unicorn outside of the Mane 6.
Nice chapter... Although, what did happen is Las Pegasus?
I vote yes on the harem, Ya know, in case anyone's counting.
What drew me towards this fic was the adorable f*cking cover art.
Wanna know who Fancy Pants reminds me of?
static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/Pictures/2008/03/31/JayZ460.jpg
Fancy Pants is indeed, most fanciest fancy in Fancyville.
1672848 I second that motion..........if its all right with you, that is
1672712
You know... I don't think anyone would have a problem with it if you edited these into the correct places. They would fit better that way and would make it feel less "out of no where". Just slip the right tidbits into the endings of the right chapters and the story would be better off in my opinion. That isn't to say you have ruined the story by putting it all here but it basically introduced an entire secondary storyline that could have been set up as an interesting parallel at the end of certain chapters. It's already a successful writing method for having multiple story lines that are connected in some way.
Hmm, when was reading this, expected Cher or Twilight to be in Canterlot for some reason. Almost forgot about that bit way back in the beginning and didn't think would lead to this, at all.
So anyway, the ambassadors beyond Equestria are like what, upset by Twilight's choice of words or actions or whatever in writing what she'd wish to do with Cheerilee? Or upset by her being a... fillyfooler, if the paper indicating such is anything to go off by?
Well anyway, interesting choice of who to pick to try and resolve this dilemma, and your theory on why, according to Rarity in the show (which could never understand), Fancy Pants is most important pony in Canterlot, even more than the Princess(es) herself(themselves). Not to mention, the whole Blueblood being gay and found out in public bit, along with the secret(s) between Celestia and FP, from their past. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/lolface_Celestia.png And the likening of Fleur's face at one point to... yeah. 
Well, I'm curious to see how Twilight and possibly Cheerilee get out of this, assuming Twilight tells Cheerilee since probably hasn't already, heh. Hopefully, Fancy Pants can smooth things over and Twilight and her friends don't like, distract him from his mission, possibly. Cause Cheerilight is cute ship with cute ponies! But I shall wait to see, with the coming chapters!
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Cheerilee.png
Great update as always. No matter how long it takes you to put these out, they're always more than worth the wait. Ironically, I was eating a sandwich when I got to Fancy Pant's report. The poor sandwich, it never saw it coming. Keep up the good work, I'm loving where this is going and patiently wait for more.
1673072
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0oisrromF1r5yhbco1_500.png
Wait, I'm confused. Why are the ambassador's mad at Twilight? and what did she say to them?
1673240 ...and now he is 20% cooler in my head
1673240 eh.
1673791
Chapter one. During the meeting, Spike accidentally sent a large collection of Twilight's personal writing and musings, detailing her innermost desires of what she wanted to do with Cheerilee to Celestia, who was in a meeting with a large group of ambassadors. Twilight's smut got pretty primal.
So the ambassadors, on a goodwill visit to Canterlot, got a facefull of smut from the Princess' personal pupil. So it reflects on her.
We clear? I realize that's a pretty far callback, so I don't mind explaining it.
Wait, did Fancy Pants and Celestia...... oh GOD
1673240 That's beautiful.... I never say it before buy now I cant not see it.
What DID they do at Las Pegasus?
My only regret is that I have but one thumb to give to this fan-fic.
I don't think you want the "con"
I, uh, I think you mean "way"
In this context, this means that he's disagreeing with her saying she didn't know he could cook; I don't think that's what you were going for
Debate v. to argue. I think you mean "contemplate" or something similar
I think you mean "lest"
It would seem you are somewhat unskilled at accurately simulating the dialogue of the more sesquipedalian characters
1673207
They're not upset. They read Twilight's clop and now they're popping political boners all over the royal grounds and demanding they get some ass.
So, like Luna said, the ambassadors are just horndogs? And they'd start trouble over something like this instead of getting a chuckle out of it? I will never understand the nobility.
Oh man, this was brilliant. XD
Poor Fleur, though.
I was a little put out that there didn't seem to be any Cheerilight in this chapter in the beginning, but... yeah, it doesn't matter. This was awesome.
So much swag in that unicorn.
OHGODTHETIMINGWITHTHESANDWICH
I really loved the hints of utter trollestia, the Fancypants Swag Moments, and, although I'm normally a fan of the cleverer kind of consort, your take on Fleur was freakin' HILARIOUS.
*There
They or She?
Great chapter though
1674198 you and me both, dude
Maybe you should clearly mark this chapter as an interlude in its title? It's so detached from the previous one that I had to double check if I was really reading the right story.
whenever i read the phrase "royal harem" for some reason my brain reads "royal whore" make of that what you will
at first the dialouge seemed really boring and casual but i wanted to at least somewhat know what they were talking about, so i forced myself to read it and after i got to the debriefing part it held my attention, although forcing yourself to read part of a story (because you think its boring not because its disgusting or whatever reason) is hardly a good accolade for the writer for it denotes monotonous writing, or for the reader, as it denotes a lack of patiences and attention span which unsurprisingly, i have very little of, but that's not the point, the chapters late middle to end was funny, and made up for the dull start
plus fancypants got dat swag
1672848>>1673085
agreed
the origins of molestia
i may be slightly lost. Its probably just me.
>“Following the investigations which produced no less than ten years subscription to Unshorn Fetlocks magazine...he was found in the men’s barracks in between two of my most trusted guards.”
In Blueblood's defense, I'm not sure anypony could turn down a good spitroast by Canterlot's Finest...dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Soarin_dayum.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
Fancylestia is the New OTP
do please continue
Hey Hidden. Nice chapter again.
Couldn't contain myself at this:
Just too funny.
Dragon
I think fancy pants just beat out Cheeri's mom for best pony in this fic >.> <.< (don't tell her though)
I enjoyed the fact that Fleur was more or less used as a punch line for much of the chapter she was in. The images in my head head me laughing heartily.
Fancy Pants is best non-Ponyville & non-Mane Six unicorn.
But what in the hay was he doing in Ponyville when there were a dozen Pinkie Pies running around!?
May the Grace of the Valar Protect You
Shire Folk
many, many a maniachle laugh was had, this story just keeps getting more and more brilliant.
Wait... isn't Fleur one of Cheerilee's ex-marefriends?
Oh, this can only go to awkward places.
( Has no idea what a harem is, reads on iPad, highlights and defines.)
Well.... Shit.
1672809
Judging by their reactions, my guess is: they fucked
Just finished chapter 8. I love your sense of humour!
I have an amazing idea for a story: Gordon Freeman in Equestria, Twilight Sparkle and Cheerilee falls in love with him, then Sombra's sister kidnaps them both and forces him to kill one of them. With the crowbar.
You're missing the closing single quote for the Las Pegasus thing.
"Princess' " should be "princesses", since the context suggests you mean the plural rather than the possessive.
I think that Trollestia and Trolluna were having an informal 'let's see who can choke Fleur' competition here! Typical of them; I suppose, when you're more than a millennium old, things start to drag and any entertainment looks good.
I also think that you're the first writer who has ever suggested that, because of their age, Celstia and Luna might no longer think in the same way as their mortal subjects and thus might need somepony to act as a translator to help them understand mortals' fears and desires.
BTW - That incident with Blueblood was a set-up; Celestia's chessmaster/Xanatos Gambit addiction at work, I think.
oh my lord
"Fancy Pants glanced beside him, and brought himself up to his full height. “Right, but I haven’t quite counted out that you are doing this for your own personal amusement. I still remember what we did in Las Pegasus, Your Majesty.”
Um...(raises hand timidly)...I'd like to know...
Here it is‼ The repeated Fleur spit-take scene. I've been thinking about this scene for weeks, and trying to remember where I read it. I'm glad I found it again.
9639762
As am I.