Epileptic-autistic eldest of four, artist, creative, and horse crazy girl who is obsessed with entertainment media and history among other things.
Cozy Glow, the sweet little foal, is really a villain with plans that even Tartarus can't stop. Even though she's now locked away, she has a plan better than stealing all the magic in the world. Her new plan: become a siren and have them come back with her as their leader. Now, she just needs to figure out how.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Even though there are only two chapters out, I'm hooked. Can't wait to see what happens next!
Well, that was easy. I guess Cozy is smarter than we thought.
9267353
I agree. The pacing needs some work though, and it's generally advisable to make each chapter at least 1,000 words long.
Um
Okay
Just because fanfiction technically can have stuff like this happening doesn't mean it's always a good idea.
May I ask what the point of having Aria lose her memories is if she's just gonna get them back in literally a few paragraphs?
The title alone is enough to get me interested!
9267700
How would you rewrite that portion? I'm curious. Not trying to come across is rude. I just want your input so I can better it.
9268717
It's hard to say? I don't know where you were planning on taking this story next, so I don't know that I can give a definite answer to it. I think the problem right now is that it's introduced abruptly, resolved even more abruptly, and then apparently forgotten about.
So I think the first question is, does this part need to be in the story? Does the fact that Aria lost her memories and got them back affect anything that comes later on in the story? If the answer to that question is no, then I'd honestly suggest just getting rid of that whole segment, because it doesn't feel like it comes from anywhere and doesn't seem to go anywhere either.
If it does definitely need to be in the story, then I think the problem with it is that it doesn't make sense within the context of the story. It's jarring, and its inclusion, along with Cozy Glow's mind control spell and the like, makes it feel like literally anything can happen and Cozy Glow can just pull a random magic thing out of nowhere that makes the problem go away and move on like it never happened. Stuff like that sucks the story dry of tension--if Cozy Glow has magic that can solve anything, why would I ever care that she's confronted by any obstacle?
So the first thing I would suggest is making sure that Cozy Glow's capabilities are set up in advance and aren't limitless. Show her struggling to accomplish certain things, because that establishes she has limits and makes her successes less certain, and make sure that her solution depends on something that's already been established. If it's important that she has something with her that can cure memory loss, then mention that thing, like, a chapter before it comes up. That way it's an established detail and its use to solve a problem won't be nearly as jarring. Or make it take a little more effort to fully resolve things--if there's no tension to be gleaned from the removal of Aria's amnesia, maybe you could make for It by embellishing on what goes into breaking her out of the asylum.
As I said, without knowing what the rest of the story looks like, it's difficult to say, but I hope you find this helpful
9268759
Yes. I'll keep this in consideration.