• Member Since 17th Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen 13 hours ago

MixMassBasher


Hello Everypony Welcome To My Page

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Ocellus, a student of the School of Friendship, writes her thoughts of all the dramatic changes in her life, the friends she made, the trails she faced and the things she learnt.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 18 )

‘Cause a true, true friend helps a friend in need, of course!

Haha. That song reference though.

I thought it was another part of my changing biology, like how I could feel love radiating from my friend Sandbar from time to time despite never figuring out at whom it was directed... I still haven't figured that out, to be honest.

Does.. Sandbar have a crush on Ocellus? XD.

9255728

Haha. That song reference though.

That's not the only song references though.

Does.. Sandbar have a crush on Ocellus? XD.

Maybe...

I love how this whole entire story was placed!!!:scootangel:
Creative and thoughtful I love this book:heart: :twilightsmile:

What a fun little, well, (auto)biography of Ocellus! It was refreshing to see her thought process during the changelings' reformation, that it wasn't all smiles and rainbows even through the School of Friendship. You do her "voice" pretty well: smart and sincere (given that it's a journal we're dealing with) with a bit of fun mischievousness on the side.

Overall: It's nice! :twilightsmile:

9274113
Thank you! That says a lot especially coming from the guy who wrote Society as We Know It.

The bit where Ocellus mentions a lack of culture is a nod to your story. Funny tidbit, I also thought of of referencing your characters from that story but decided against it.

9275946
Ha-ha! You're welcome! :pinkiesmile:

It's nice to know for sure that it was a nod. I had an inkling you did that on purpose, but I thought Maybe it's a common fanon; I'm sure lots of other people think the same way, too. Also: it's good you decided against it because if you just went up and mention Humerus and Nastic, it'd feel out of place.

Anyway, I really need to get around in these parts more, eh? :twilightsheepish:

A pleasant little read. This was nice. Thanks for sharing. :twilightsmile:

Awesome.

9275946
This was a pleasant read, however it felt like I was reading something a talented middle schooler would write. At no point did she express her feelings, yes she told us about them, but never expressed them. Please do not misinterpret my statement. I liked this, and see a good amount of potential in you as a writer, I especially liked the allusion to Sandbar feeling love but Ocellus not knowing who, but I would have loved to see more showing instead of telling. Other than that, your grammar was correct over all, the story flowed well, and you do have a firm grasp of her voice, just the expression of that voice I think could use some practice. All in all a better story than most. Depending on how I feel about the other story you asked for a comment on, you will probably get a follow, as I find you have an interesting voice of your own and would like to see it devolop.

9311760
Thank you for the feedback. I should have given her more expression on her feelings and probably in my defence I could say that as mentioned in the beginning, this is her first time writing so she's starting with the basics just as I am with my writing

9312515
Fair enough, I can be a little harsh, but I have Three rules that turn it positive.

1. Everything I say, I will also say to your face.

2. I don't say anything I can't apologize for.

3. I never waste my time. So if I give you a comment, even one that is harsh, it is because I believe that you are capable and gifted enough to take advantage of the criticism.

That being said I also loved the parody story you did inspired by letters from a disgruntled friendship student. It was well written and hysterical.

Since I like Ocellus almost as much as I like Gallus (as I have a thing for both catbirds and bug horses), I was hoping that this story would help flesh out her personality. This isn't so much a story as an insight into what makes the ladybug horse (as I call her:pinkiehappy:) tick.
One of the most interesting ideas you had was that Ocellus sensed something was off with Cozy Glow, even though no one else saw it.
Stuff like that makes this piece interesting to me. That's why I faved it.
Keep on writing, buddy.

9255728

Does.. Sandbar have a crush on Ocellus? XD.

Interesting thought, but from the show itself I see that they pair Ocellus with Smolder a lot more often. And it's amazing, mainly because of Smolder's growing acceptance that femininity is not a non-dragon trait, in that "girly" stuff doesn't have to be considered weak, and a girl doesn't necessarily have to exhibit more masculine traits to be strong. Ocellus being a soft-spoken colourful bug is a perfect match.

...

I really like Smol Smolder.

9335220
Yeah, I see your point. The ship obviously won’t be canon, but it’s nice to think about.

This was a nice read. Short and sweet, and a journal entry is a good way to look into a character's mind without it technically being too much exposition.
I agree with most of what 9311760 said, but there's one thing I disagree with in terms of how this is written. Showing and not telling is very important, but since this is a first-person account in a journal, and no third-person narrative to show what Ocellus is doing, there really isn't any way to 'show' here. This could be remedied, though.
You could have this be a sort of mini-tale of something that Ocellus is doing in her room—purely slice-of-life—whether she's preparing to go to bed, or something else that requires her to have a reason to be writing in her journal. This would allow you to have a third-person narrative for the whole of the story, but the journal entries Ocellus writes would be in first-person. You could have her write some parts of her entry before taking a short break for her to do something, have her talk to herself about her thoughts while showing her facial expressions, movements, etc, then continue. While jumping between narratives is generally not the best way to go with stories (at least from what I usually see, though I've done it myself), in a situation like this, it would make perfect sense.
Another idea you could use to expand this into something bigger (if you wanted to) would be for all six of them to write in the journal, just like the Mane Six did. Each chapter could be a new entry. If you didn't want to make it that long, each character could just have one, with a similar narrative style and each writing about their backgrounds before they came to the school—Gallus about Griffonstone, Yona about Yakyakistan, Silverstream about Seaquestria/Mount Aris (you get the picture)—while showing what they're doing while writing, perhaps interacting with the others if they're there.
Just a thought or two. Sorry for the wall of text. :twilightsheepish:

9373267
I think I was a little unclear on what I meant. Her emotions, didn't sound real to me. Like I said, I happen to think that this has promise and I do hope that Mix continues and expands on it. However on looking at the story I realize that maybe some of the hollowness was intended. The character that is writing the diary has the experience of a middle schooler after all. So if anything the breaking of the rhythm in the narrative could be both an error on the character's part as well as a tool for alliteration for the author that writes her. :pinkiehappy:

9373317
9373267
Thank you for the feedback once more. As mentioned before in my previous comments. Just as Ocellus is a starter at writing her story. I myself was just starting to write on my own.

The intention of the story was as Level Dasher said. I wanted to look into the mind of a character from her beginnings to now in the Student Six in a simple short story. I had a little fun writing a few tidbit extra details that while doesn't follow the cannon character add some tidbits to the character I write. Like what made her pull herself into reading, her favorite colour being blue, fears of the future of her kind and fears of going back to the old ways even a little nod to Sandbar having a crush on Ocellus but is oblivious to it.

Funny that a short story I wrote in a very short time has more people commenting on it that another story I took a very long time to post later on. Boutique Down the Road.:twilightsheepish: Would appreciate it if you guys check that out too if you want and have any feedback that i can improve as an author.

Also, there is potential to write other stories with the other Student Six but I have no concrete ideas as of now.

I read this in Ocellus's voice and I look forward to seeing where this story goes, if more is added in the future!

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