Chapter 5
“So, tell me again, Flash. Just why is Carrot Top mad at you?” Sunset Shimmer asked as we skulked through the dark alleyways of the human town.
“I'm not completely certain, but I think it has something to do with the fact that I didn't want to snog her best friend.”
“What.”
“I know, right? Usually it's the other way around. You dally with one filly, and then her friend gets jealous. But the moment you suggest there's enough of Ol' Flashy to go around--”
“You can stop right there. In fact, please stop right there.”
“It's something of a moot point here, considering everyone is a hideous primate.”
“I can't believe I ever dated the other-you.”
“Neither can I. I mean, he doesn't have the Celestial Cross.”
“He's in high school.”
“He is?” I paused. “But ... I'm not. Wait, he didn't get held back in school, did he? Mr. Wallinghoof always threatened to make me repeat sophomore year because I kept making eyes at this one cute pegasus in the third row--”
“No, everypony-- or, uh, everybody is a younger version of themselves here. Twilight thinks it has something to do with a time-space distortion resulting in the conversion of matter to magical energy when passing through the portal. Kind of a parallel dimensional relativism.”
“I have no idea what any of that means.”
“Good. Now stay still so that thing can't thing see us.” Sunset Shimmer flattened her back against the alley wall, and I did the same. On the street outside, a spherical creature consisting entirely of eyeball floated by. Sunset Shimmer looked down at the hardback book we'd 'borrowed' from the misfits at the diner, and thumbed through the pages 'til she came to a matching picture. “It says here that the Floating Eye of Death is deaf. So long as we stay out of its line of sight, we'll be fine. Of course, if it does see us, it'll roast us with death rays, so ... try not to be seen.”
“I'll keep that in mind.” My voice cracked.
Still, after a few minutes, the absurd monster floated around a corner, and the two of us started moving again. Sunset Shimmer kept on dragging me along to where the monsters were thickest, searching for their source. I would've left her to her own devices, but I knew that this mad scheme was the only way I'd get to stand on four hooves again. The existential horror of being stuck in such a world overrode the more immediate terror of the monstrous menagerie prowling the streets.
We dodged dragons, evaded elementals, hid from hobgoblins, and otherwise sneaked our way across town. Between Sunset Shimmer's reference skills and my own natural cowardice, it was easy going, even if various monster patrols forced us to take a circuitous route.
Still, the town wasn't too large-- at least not compared to an actual city along the lines of Manehattan or Canterlot. I could only suppose the primitive ape-beasts weren't capable of bigger settlements. It didn't take long to reach the apparent source of the marauding monsters: a small park in the center of the town square. With its tall, shady trees and spaced-out benches, the little park was an ideal place for a cozy picnic-- at least it would've been if it weren't for the cackling sorceress in the middle of it all.
Now, I'm no expert on magic, but I've seen more than my fair share of doomsday rituals, sometimes even from the “chained to the altar” perspective. In comparison, this one was fairly low-key. Artisinal apocalypse, you could call it. Carrot Top (or, well the bipedal ape version of her) stood in the center of the park, decked out in a hooded violet robe. She held a large book in her hands-- a copy of the Abomination Almanac, identical to Sunset Shimmer's-- except for the arcane glowing.
“What next?” Carrot Top said, voice slightly ragged from the mad rush of power. She pored over her book, paging through it-- until she gave a triumphant cry. “Aha! That's it! A Tendril-terror!” At that, Carrot Top waved one of her hands, and a figure materialized out of sickly-green energy, congealing into a weird, shambling creature made up entirely of half-rotted vegetation. Carrot Top marveled at her newest creation, and then launched into a fresh bout of cackling.
“There she is.” Sunset Shimmer said, narrowing her eyes.
“Just, uh ... just what are you going to do to her?”
“I haven't figured that out yet.”
“What?” I blurted. “You said you've done this sort of thing before!”
“I have. With my friends. Who aren't here, because of you.”
“Well, just do whatever your friends do, just ... more of it?”
“You think I can just talk Carrot Top down and then cure her madness through the power of friendship by myself?”
“It would be nice, yes.”
Sunset Shimmer glowered at me. “You're the Hero of Equestria, what would you do?”
“Er.” I said, and scratched at the back of my neck. “I usually ... improvise.”
“Improvise?” Sunset Shimmer, said, skeptic.
“We could light something on fire. That usually works.”
“Random arson is not a good plan.”
“It's better than anything you've come up with!”
I was right, of course, but I was so right I inadvertently raised my voice, which in turn echoed off the brick walls of the alleyway Sunset Shimmer and I crouched in, which in turn was enough to draw Carrot Top's attention.
She whirled around, fast enough for her hood to drop, revealing her orange hair looking frizzier than normal. “Seize them!” she shouted-- and with that, the green monster standing next to her lashed out with both arms, whiplike vines streaking through the air. Distracted as we were, neither Sunset Shimmer nor I could get out of the way-- before I knew it, the creature yanked my feet out from under me and I hit the ground, nigh enveloped in thick, braided vine. I kicked and squealed, attempting to get away, but there was no escape. Similarly wrapped, Sunset Shimmer landed beside me, and soon the plant monster was reeling us in like a fisherpony's prize catch. As if to make the metaphor more apt, Carrot Top's leafed lackey soon hoisted Sunset Shimmer and I up, dangling us upside-down.
“Ha ha! Ranged entangle attacks! Totally overpowered. A perfect tool for an Oh-Oh!” Carrot Top said with villainous glee.
“An ... Ooo?” I said. The confusion was better than outright terror, but only slightly.
“The Oh-Oh! The Oubliette Overseer!” Carrot Top said, with all the frustration of someone explaining something for the thousandth time. “I guess I shouldn't expect you to know what that means. You're popular.” She made the word an epithet.
“Please, Carrot-- you're not like this.” Sunset Shimmer pleaded. Genuinely, even.
“I'm not?” Carrot Top whirled on Sunset Shimmer. “How would you know? You're not my friend. You never were! You're just trying to get on my good side, now that I have a magic artifact of unimaginable power.”
Carrot Top clutched her Abomination Almanac tighter to her chest, and smiled. “But you know what the best part is? I'm going to be a better at being evil than you ever were.” She reached out and flicked the end of Sunset Shimmer's nose, taunting her.
“Hold on, you're evil?” I said, turning to stare at Sunset Shimmer. “I suppose that explains a lot.”
“I'm not evil!” Sunset Shimmer glared at me. “Not anymore!”
“Oh, Flash. Poor, poor Flash.” Carrot Top shook her head, ruefully. “You didn't know? How come the pretty ones are always so stupid?”
“Hang on--” I said, “you think I'm pretty?”
“That's what you're fixating on?” Sunset Shimmer hissed.
“Don't think you can charm your way out of this.” Carrot Top stroked the spine of her book. “That might work on Ditzy, but I know better. I know who you really are. Just because you're good looking and you're good at sports, you think you've got everything all figured out, and—”
I started laughing.
“Flash?” Sunset Shimmer said.
“What's so funny?” Carrot Top said, voice shrill.
“Sorry! Sorry! I, uh ... I think I'm feeling a little woozy, with all the blood draining to my head, but ... did you just say I have everything figured out?”
“You don't?” Carrot Top blinked.
I laughed again. “Miss Top, if anything, I have found that only a select few individuals have any idea what they're doing at any given time. I mean, I certainly don't. I've spent most of the night-- most of my life, really, with only the slightest idea of what's going on, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.”
“What's your point?”
“My point is you're a teenager. A weird, awkward, lonely teenager.”
“And?” Carrot Top said sharply. She clenched her fingers, and the vines holding me in place constricted tight enough to make me squeal.
“And that's okay!” I blurted, voice going a little higher than usual. “Because all teenagers are weird and awkward and lonely. That's ... what being a teenager is for. But the thing is, nobody cares. You being the Oubilette Organizer--”
“Overseer.” Carrot Top said.
“--whatever.” I said. “It doesn't matter. And you know what? That stupid game I won earlier tonight? That doesn't matter either! Nothing does!”
“I never took you for a nihilist, Flash Sentry.” Carrot Top said.
“I'm not! Nihilistic, that is. I just have, er ... perspective.”
“How do you have perspective? You're just a dumb jock!”
“Actually, I'm a decorated war hero from a parallel dimension who has been inexplicably transported to this world through a magical mirror that's currently sealed off on account of your current turn of villainy.”
“What.” Carrot Top said.
“And, it's worth noting that you, Carrot Top-- or, uh, the Carrot Top from where I'm from is honestly the most fascinating young lady I've ever met. Who's also threatened to kill me, now that I think of it. Still, if you are anything like her, you've got better things to do with your life than being a pantomime villain.”
“Do you really expect me to believe that?” Carrot Top said.
“This is Canterlot High.” Sunset Shimmer added on. “And you're kiiiiind of using a magical game manual to summon monsters to do your bidding. Which honestly is pretty straightforward compared to some of the other stuff that we've had to deal with. You remember what happened at the friendship games, right?”
“When you put it that way, it almost makes sense.” Carrot Top said, if begrudgingly.
“Ladies?” I interjected. “Perhaps this is a discussion we could have, er, right side up?”
Carrot Top closed her book.
With that, the plant monster shriveled up in a matter of seconds, dissolving into dry leaves and crackling magic. Unfortunately, the plant monster was still dangling me and Sunset Shimmer above the ground like prize trophies, so its sudden disappearance neatly dumped the both of us on our heads. A fresh jolt of pain set me to swearing with a soldier's eloquence. Not that Carrot Top noticed, as she sat down heavily upon a nearby bench, book in her lap.
“I'm ... I'm in a lot of trouble, aren't I?” Carrot Top said.
“Not ... necessarily.” I said as I clambered up to my feet. “I mean. I understand that this whole 'magical catastrophe' thing is somewhat of a rare occurrence here?”
“Not as rare as it used to be.” Sunset Shimmer said.
“Right, but it's still not exactly an everyday thing, is it? Which means that the proper authorities haven't drafted any anti-monster laws or anything, I presume?”
“Well, no--”
“So if there's no laws, then the lovely Miss Top hasn't done anything illegal. Isn't that nice?” I smiled, smug in my armchair lawyering.
“That doesn't mean it wasn't wrong.” Carrot Top said, holding her face in her hands.
“We all make mistakes.” Sunset Shimmer said, understanding.
“I mean, so long as nobody gets murdered or pregnant, who cares, right?” I chimed in, helpful. “I mean, I didn't see any corpses on the way here. Which only leaves the latter option, which seems ... unlikely. Unless you started summoning depraved lust-demons or something with that book of yours. You ... didn't summon up depraved lust-demons, did you?”
“Those are in a different expansion.” Carrot Top said, looking up at me with a rueful grin.
“Right. I'm not going to think too hard about how you knew that off the top of your head.” I noted.
“That's enough helping, Flash.”
“So now what?” Carrot Top said.
“Same as anything.” Sunset Shimmer said. “We just ... go on with our lives. But the important part is that we learn from it. You may have gotten a little carried away, sure, but that doesn't mean we can't be friends.”
“But you're ... popular.” Carrot Top said. “Why would you be friends with a nerd like me?”
“Because I know exactly what you're going through. Besides, I've got plenty of nerdy friends. Have you met Twilight? Either of them? Heck, if you want, I'm sure she'd love to play Ogres and Oubliettes with you sometime. Just, ah ... with fewer monsters.”
“I'll see what I can do.” Carrot Top ran a hand through her frizzed hair. “Look, I-- ... I'm sorry I tried to kill you guys with magic. It won't happen again.”
“Don't worry, I'm used to it by now.” Sunset Shimmer's smile held the grim humor of the veteran.
“I'm not.” I noted, mostly as a matter of principle.
“In that case, we'd better get you back home before you do.”
And that was that.
Mostly.
Sunset Shimmer guided me back to the strange statue and plinth from before-- though this time, I tested the portal's permeability through a very scientific process (which is to say, I poked it with a stick). Still, there was a telltale shimmer of magic, indicating the portal was still open.
“This'll be goodbye, then.” I said, tossing the stick aside. “Not that you two haven't been pleasant company--” I lied “--but I've been trying to get home ever since I got here.”
“I understand, Flash.” Sunset Shimmer said.
“Well, off with me, then--” I took two steps towards the portal, then paused, looking over at Carrot Top (who'd tagged along with the two of us for lack of anywhere else to go). “Actually ... before I go, I should tell you something.”
“What's that?” Carrot Top said, innocent and bewildered.
“The next time you start feeling sorry for yourself, remember-- you are a remarkable young lady who is capable of literally anything.”
“Really?” Carrot Top blinked. “You mean that?”
“Absolutely. So if anyone tries to tell you otherwise, punch them in the throat.”
“Flash.” Sunset Shimmer sternly scolded.
“What? It's what my-- it's what the other Carrot Top would want me to tell her!”
“I think that's enough helping.” Sunset Shimmer glared at me.
“Thank you, Flash.” Carrot Top smiled a crooked smile and foisted her copy of the Abomination Almanac onto me. “Take this. Something tells me it'll be safer on the other side of this portal.”
“I, er, suppose so?” I looked down at the book, which thankfully wasn't glowing, but I wasn't sure how long that would last. “Speaking of the other side of the portal-- I'd better be getting there.”
“I couldn't agree more.” Sunset Shimmer said.
And then she shoved me through the portal.
Despite the knowledge I was finally heading home, the return trip was just as unpleasant. Which, again, was somewhat inevitable given the fact there's no way to have the very atoms of one's body torn apart and re-arranged be a pleasant process.
I burst through the mirror in a blaze of magical light, careening across Princess Twilight's library to crash into shelf full of reference material. Volumes S through V of the Encyclopedia Equestria rained down on me in one of the more embarrassing beatings I've taken over the years (which is saying something). Lucky for me, there wasn't anypony around to see it. And yet, through all the pain and nausea, I laughed.
Because I was a pony again.
I made a quick inventory: four hooves, two wings, one tail-- all signs that I was back in Equestria. Soon thereafter I confirmed this, I soon heard another reminder that I was back in Equestria: something impossibly large and inexplicably angry roared outside the castle, hard enough to shake bits of plaster loose from the ceiling. An immense shadow passed by on the other side of the library's stained glass windows, and my legs immediately took to shaking. I glanced at the mirror, then thought the better of it, instead bolting for the door out into the hallway--
Where I ran into Princess Twilight.
“Flash!” she blurted, just as surprised as I was. “What are you-- wait! Is that what I think it is?”
“Is what what you think it is?”
“The Abomination Almanac!” Princess Twilight used her magic to float the book out from where I'd had it tucked under my left wing. Somehow, it'd been transformed just as I had-- swapping its gaudy painted cover out for an older, plainer, and therefore more ominous binding of black cloth. “You found it!”
“I did?”
“You've saved us all!”
“I have?”
“Where did you-- you know what, nevermind! I've got a Tarresque to tame, and this book's going to show me exactly how to do it!”
“Good luck?” I said, mostly by reflex. At least she wasn't whisking me along with her to leap into the literal jaws of certain death. Yet.
“I don't need luck, I've got reference material!”
And with that, Princess Twilight set off one of her teleportation spells, disappearing in a flash of blinding light. Thankfully, she left me behind-- though not alone. By the time my vision cleared, I found myself staring at a familiar pouf of orange hair (albeit in its proper place on an unassuming young earth pony).
“Sentry.” She said, stalking towards me. “Where have you been? I've been looking for you for hours. When the monster attacked, I didn't know if you were just hiding in the wine cellar, or if you--” She trailed off, professional irritation slipping away to reveal something else entirely.
“Oh.” I said. “Oh.” I smiled, and trotted over to drape a wing across Carrot Top's shoulders. “You should know me better than that. I'm much too good at staying alive.” I paused, and then glanced out the window again, where the shadowy behemoth seemed to be lumbering away from a princess-shaped silhouette. “Also, for the record, this isn't my fault.”
“What isn't?”
“The ... whatever that is.” As if on cue, the monster outside roared, though slightly quieter this time.
“Oh, that? It's just something out of the Everfree forest. Happens every third week or so.”
“Should we ... do something about it?”
“Nah, the Princess has things under control. She usually does.”
“Usually?”
“Let's just say I'm not going to be out of a job anytime soon,” said Special Agent Golden Harvest.
“Which means I won't be either.” I groaned.
“I'm just glad you didn't get yourself killed, you idiot.” Carrot Top slipped out from beneath my wing and headed for the door. “Now c'mon, let's go get a drink, and you can tell me exactly what just happened.”
“It ... may take awhile.”
“That's alright, I think Pinkie Pie's still making cocktails even though there's a monster outside.”
“Y'know what?” I said, “maybe we should just get coffee instead.”
-So ends the seventh volume of the Flash Sentry Papers.
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Not in the slightest.
Grand.
It worries me that they're in an expansion at all.
Oh great, the Tarrasque. Even if we're going with the 5e version, which DOESN'T have Fuck You levels of regeneration and damage resistance, it's still a really big and dangerous thing.
That reminds me, someone needs to poke Carabas with a stick with regards to his Sentry Papers story.
In any case, looks like Flash got to dodge those consequences of his actions that he didn't actually solve, and he indirectly saved Equestria again on top of that. Typical. And I'm genuinely unsure if I'm saying that with a smile or a scowl. (What? I don't easily forgive breaking Best Sophont's heart, regardless of her species.)
Still, another great entry in the series. Thank you for it.
9319912
Come now, what kind of D&D knockoff doesn't have twelve different kinds of evil outsiders trying tempt, corrupt, and/or consume mortal souls?
9319928
It’s more the lust part that worries me than the demon part. For them just get Paladins and Clerics.
I am left a little bit curious about the result of horse Flash's actions on ape Flash's reputation and stuff. Now we have someone else who knows what a cad Flash is, makes you wonder if there will be consequences for that. Chances are there will. And they will involve incredible danger. Also booze.
Here is a training film for you Flash
It's good. I'd go as far as very good. I do feel it could be improved with an epilogue or an extra wrap up chapter.
Teenager Carrot Top is quite reasonable for being a deranged summoner mad with power. Or a teenager.
That is, IMHO, adorable. And in hindsight Flash was the ideal person in this case to connect with her. He has, after all, far more years of experience in confusingly stumbling through a world he thinks, with reason, being set against him.
Poor human flash, on the other hand, misses the hoof-on training, and probably the proper lack of moral fiber, to deal with the mess left behind. I don't envy him at all.
I just hope the Equestria Girl Flash isn't really like the pony one. That would be incredibly disheartening.
9319928
I think it would be safe to assume that Carrot Top would let Derpy know that it wasn't "normal" Flash that turned her down, given that they are best friends. Still, the ending did seem a little rushed and would probably have benefitted from directly tieing up those loose ends.
Regardless, the story was an entertaining read and certainly earned it's place in my favorites folder.
"I don't need luck, I've got reference material!"
I'm going to use this.
i.postimg.cc/8ccPQvJ5/Pirate-Approved2.jpg
Well this story kept a smile on my face the whole way through.
Thanks for writing these, they've all been marvellous.
Read this from a download, so I'm not sure where in the chapter these are. Very interesting. I wonder what Mirror Flash is like...
So, Carrot Top got the Equestrian Abomination Almanac, instead of the human one?? Otherwise, why would Twilight be missing hers??
----
Typos:
years, many
would
unyielding
Well, very confusing, but sweet to see Flash Sentry giving advice! And lol, Ditzy x Flash ship ref! Niice!
Typo:
that thing can't thing > that thing can't
Wouldn't it make more sense if there was a question mark over a period.
But...*
Now this is something I wish happened in eqg when it still aired.
so...*
I have so many questions now!
uh...*
just... more*
usuall...*
Good going Flash.
On the bright side, at least Sunset isn't wearing a skirt right about now.
"An...*
to be better at being evil*
uh...*
but...*
That's...*
er...*
Huh, guess talking it out really did the trick.
"I'm...*
Yes you are Carrot Top, you are.
"Not...*
seems...*
You...*
just...*
you're...*
ah...*
I--...*
"Actually...*
"The...*
we...*
"It...*
Despite a handful mistakes this story had, I really enjoyed it. Especially seeing pony flash getting to see what the human world is like even if he disliked it a bit.