Thorax is still getting used to living among ponies. They do so many strange and yet somehow wonderful and amazing things! Not so amazing, though, is his brother Pharynx's discovery that Thorax has been disobeying his orders and living openly among ponies. Desperate to avoid being dragged back to the hive as a traitor, Thorax lies, insisting he's only been pretending to gain the trust of these ponies so he can betray them and avenge Chrysalis. Now, somehow, he has to make that lie seem true, and things will definitely not go according to plan when he tries, even with the help of his new pony friends.
(A commissioned story.)
Chapters (1)
Hmm
this was pretty good! I liked this one, Sparks
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Thank you.
Hah, I actually practice my own evil laugh too, even if I don't plan on being evil.
brain-sniff, brain-sniff I smell some slight hesitation at this line.
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That was my personal favorite part of this whole thing. Dorky nerd Twi is so fricking adorable.
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I KNOW RIGHT
Superb! 10/10.
Wow this could actually fit cannon if Thorax moves to the Empire. Just live as Crystal hoof, then Chyrslis considers him a traitor when she finds out he faked his death.
I actually would love to think of this as legit canon--it'd strengthen that brotherly bond between Pharynx and Thorax immensely, and the show's already done a pretty good job doing that on it's own, so that's saying something.
The time period between Thorax's defection and his metamorphosis presents a fantastic opportunity for "stranger in a strange land" stories. This was an excellent example of one. Great work throughout; thank you for it.
"I think we should call it your grave!"
"Ah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!"
"Haha! Mine is an evil laugh. Now die!"
"Ah, oh, oh, dear god in heaven."
Also, good on you for spelling chaise longue correctly.
Amusing. Though one thing kept coming to mind:
Where's Starlight in all this?
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I don't know, really. Trying to write in more characters would have made an already complicated situation into quite a bit more of a mess, so she just got left out. She's off dealing with a friendship problem or something, no doubt.
I feel obligated to comment, but I can't contribute much. It's just too good not to say something!
9242163 Ah, that makes sense.
Very cute little story! I think Pharynx's decisions were very believeable. I think he'd take his little brother's side over Chrysalis's any day. Pharynx doesn't care about his queen, per say, he cares about the hive, the populace itself, not the individual on the throne. More importantly, he cares a lot about Thorax, he just doesn't show it outright.
Neat story on the whole, but Twilight's evil laugh logic was downright hysterical.
This was amazingly well written and I loved every word!
Though, seriously...I nearly had a heart attack with that scene between the brothers!
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Thanks!
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The bit with Twilight is the one bit that wasn't in the outline from the customer at all, but I had the idea and couldn't resist.
Great story, the meeting with Pharynx was emotional, though I did suspect the ending.
Is Twilight's advice for an evil laugh legitimate? It's too late at night for me to test it, but it sounds like the advice given to singers.
Typos! With silly commentary;
He filly did and she collapsed - This sounds wrong. Thorax should not be doing fillies, or filly-didding, or filly diddling. Especially to the point they collapse.
He paused, then too one more breath. - Was it too one more breath, or did you mean it was just one more breath enough?
Putting an evil scowl on *hi face*
- HIIIIIII GIRRRRLSS!
(Get it? A "Hi face"?)
and the deadly energy Luna *and sent streaking
- *had.
Yeah, can't come up with any jokes for this one.
"I didn't chose them because I hate the hive. - I CHOO-CHOO-CHOOSE* THEM!
and everyone in the hive *know* who Pharynx was after the events two days past. - *knew
Again. Got nothing.
He could suffer the stars and whispers - This may be a typo but it's actually kinda poetic. He could suffer the judgement of the stars and the whispers of the heavens.