Kitchen Nightmares

by Acoustic Pulse

Enter Blandman

Author's Note:

Someone had a similar idea a long time ago, but I decided I wanted to make my own version.

Less funny than "IT'S RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" and a little more dramatic.

Hope y'all like it.

Saffron Masala scanned the empty dining room, a look of total dejection on her face. It was never busy, but it had never been this slow before.

Her father, Coriander Cumin, exited the kitchen, "I don't know why you're acting so surprised. We rarely see customers anymore, especially after that review from Last Word. He pulled no punches. I had never felt so insulted in my life! This place of business has been in Canterlot for years, he had no right disrespecting us that way."

Saffron rolled her eyes and sighed, "Father, you do realize that our lack of confidence is rubbing off on the food, don't you? It's not even fun to cook anymore, it's miserable. You're always so pessimistic. It's to the point where I don't even want to do this anymore."

"Are you quitting on me? You've devoted your entire life to helping me, why would you leave now?" her father looked increasingly worried.

"I'm not going anywhere, father, but we need help. I think I know the pony we need to talk to about this. He'll tell us what we need to hear, rather than what you want to hear. Maybe those critics were right," Saffron replied.

Coriander looked into his daughter's eyes. The determination in them was evident. He hoped that her idea would work, "If this is what you think we need to do, then let's get it done."

"Really? You're actually listening to me?" Saffron was ecstatic.

"Yes, now go find this 'helper' of yours," Coriander beckoned her to go.

"Okay. I'll be back later," Saffron promised.

---

Saffron Masala trotted slowly down the street. All the other restaurants were packed, all except for The Tasty Treat, which was deserted. It hurt her to see the thing she has poured her entire life into look so rundown and decrepit.

The appearance of the restaurant reflected her inner feelings, worn out and tired. She prayed to Celestia that the stallion she had in mind would actually help her.

She made it down the strip of restaurants on Restaurant Row until she made it to the last one and arguably the most popular, Tirek's Kitchen. The T resembled a pitchfork and the K was engulfed in flames. The sign outside had the head of a bull with fire billowing out of its nose.

Saffron took a deep breath and entered the restaurant. Every table was full except one. The host, a young stallion from Prance, approached her, "Bonjour, madame. Are you dining in this evening?"

The heavy accent caught her offguard, "Actually, I was hoping to speak to the Chef. If he is busy, I can come back later. I know business is always booming in here."

The host nodded, "Take a seat at that empty table. I'll see if he has a moment to spare."

Saffron went and sat down at the table. She looked into the kitchen. It was divided into two lines. One with red walls and one with blue walls. The red room had an entire group of mares in red jackets. The other side had an entire group of stallions in blue jackets. The bizarre setup left her both confused and amused.

Some commotion came from the red kitchen. Apparently, one of the mares had undercooked an entreé. She finally caught a glimpse of Chef Ramsay, who was livid.

"WHO COOKED THIS DISH?" he boomed.

A mint green mare with a blonde mane and tail raised her hoof sheepishly. "I did, Chef."

"I should have known. LOOK AT THIS DAFFODIL AND DAISY SANDWICH! THE FLOWERS ARE SO RAW THAT THEY'RE STILL BLOOMING! DO YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO SERVE THIS SHIT?" Ramsay boomed furiously.

The mint green mare shook her head, "No, chef."

"No? WHY THE FUCK AM I HOLDING IT THEN? YOU MUST HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS DONE IF YOU BROUGHT IT TO ME. DID YOU KNOW IT WAS RAW AND JUST NOT CARE?" Ramsay was still fuming. Saffron could've swore she saw smoke rising from his ears.

The green mare was terrified, "I was in a hurry, chef, I promise it won't happen again."

"YOU'RE LUNA DAMNED RIGHT IT WON'T, BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE HERE TO FUCK IT UP A SECOND TIME. FUCK OFF UPSTAIRS!" he commanded.

"Yes, chef. I'm sorry, chef," the mint green mare was in tears.

"Don't apologize to me, Apple Tarty, you know better! I taught you better than that," Ramsay lowered his tone, but the disappointment was still there.

She couldn't respond because her tears were choking her. She simply did as he said and left.

"BLUE TEAM," Ramsay boomed.

"YES, CHEF?" they answered in unison.

"Get me a refire on that sandwich, show these mares how it's done, yes?"

"YES, CHEF," they went to work.

The esteemed chef turned to his host who was patiently waiting for the debacle to settle down, "What is it, Crunchy?"

"Chef, there is a guest who would like to speak to you when you have a chance. She said if you were busy, then she could come back later," the host answered.

Ramsay looked around the dining room. He saw a familiar face, "Oh. The one from The Tasty Treat. Ironic name for a rundown shithole like that. Very well, I will humor her."

"Oui, chef," the host nodded and went to seat the ponies who just entered.

Ramsay turned to his Sous Chef, "Hold down the fort for me, I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Yes, chef," his Sous Chef turned his attention to the sandwich that was coming up. He checked it, it was much better than the first attempt.

"Good work, fellas. Service, please!" A waiter picked up the serving platter and carried it to the table.

He set it down, "Here you are, enjoy!"

The mare who ordered the sandwich was incredibly patient and polite, "Thanks a lot!"

"Anytime, love. Do come back and see us," the waiter smiled.

"You know I will," she replied.

---

Chef Ramsay approached the table Saffron Masala was sitting at, "You wanted to speak to me, my darling?"

The calmer and more respectful tone in his voice caught her offguard, "Oh, uh, yes. My father and I are in desperate need of your help. The Tasty Treat is going under. I've heard of your successes turning terrible restaurants into good ones. We don't want to suffer the impending doom that is upon us. If you can help us, Chef Ramsay, we would be eternally grateful."

Chef Ramsay looked out the window. He could see the restaurant at the end of the street. It looked out of place, like it didn't belong. He was sure he could be the one to fix it. It would just be another addition to his many accolades.

He turned his attention back to Saffron, "I'll see what I can do. You seem like you want what's best for your restaurant. I can at least respect that. To put it bluntly, however, this restaurant is a stain on the rest on this street. It looks like absolute shit and the one time I visited, the food was ice cold. The tea tasted like boiled piss, the bread looked like it was still dough, the salad was yellow. Are you trying to kill somepony? That's how you do it right there."

Saffron listened intently, "I know. My father and I lost confidence in ourselves after receiving the bad reviews. Everypony who read them wouldn't go near us. They wouldn't touch The Tasty Treat with a 10-foot pole. We need that confidence, I convinced him that we needed your help. You said you were willing to help, so whatever we need to do, we'll get it done. Let me warn you in advance that my father is stubborn and traditional, he is not open to anything new. I will also need your help changing his mind about that."

"I'll do everything in my power, but you have to help me help you. If your father undermines everything we make progress in, you might as well flush that piece of shit down the toilet, cuz you'll be up shit's creek without a paddle."

"I know, just please try to help us," Saffron pleaded.

Gordon sighed, "I'll try."

End of Chapter 1!

Comments

[ScarletRhine]

Eeyahoo!
I wish Gordon Ramsay Restaurant Dash had the Tasty Treat as a venu.

[Xanderfox]

So AU where Ramsey, not Pinkie and Rarity save Tasty Treat? Just remember Ramsey isn't all swearing and insults.

[Wolfram-And-Hart]

You have my attention. I prefer Hell's Kitchen to Kitchen Nightmares, but this should be fun. Hopefully, this goes as well as the "Mama Maria's" episode instead of the "Amy's Baking Company" episode.

[Akwolfgrl13]

Eee i love Gordon Ramsey!!!!!!

[Acoustic Pulse]

9234039
I know that.

[Acoustic Pulse]

9234088
I hope so too.

[Mother3Forever]

Hopefully Gordon has a similar experience to the one he had in the episode with Momma Cherri's Soul Food Shack.

[Ri2]

Does Ramsay have permission from Tirek to use his name and image?

[Acoustic Pulse]

9234512
That would be good.

[Acoustic Pulse]

9234701
I don't think he needed it.

[Samey90]

Her father, Coriander Cumin, exited the kitchen, "I don't know why you're acting so surprised. We rarely see customers anymore, especially after that review from Last Word. She pulled no punches. I had never felt so insulted in my life! This place of business has been in Canterlot for years, she had no right disrespecting us that way."

"We both know that, but I have to repeat that for the audience's convenience". Frankly, the whole conversation between Saffron and her father is kinda stiff. Like, does anyone actually say "I will return momentarily"?

[Acoustic Pulse]

9235346
You make a valid point. Appreciate you being real about it.

[wingdingaling]

I got to say that the dialogue is kind of wooden. But, you nailed Chef Ramsay's personality spot on. Like, I could hear his voice saying those things in the exact tone, cadence and volume he actually speaks with.

[Acoustic Pulse]

9457084
I'll be real, I didn't watch season 6 at all.

[PlymouthFury58]

Saffron took a deep breath and entered the restaurant. Every table was full except one. The host, a young stallion from Prance, approached her, "Bonjour, madame. Are you dining in this evening?"

Is he meant to be a ponyfied Jean-Phillipe? Because JP's Belgian, not French.

[Acoustic Pulse]

11475829
They speak french in Belgium as well as German.