• Member Since 27th Jul, 2018
  • online

JetXPegasus


Just a new brony who wants to share his stories with every-pony.

T

This story is inspired by the game called Among the sleep. Link to the trailer will be right here 👇🏼https://youtu.be/UN4rRMcZK4M

Art made by - strabarybrick

I won’t make this story to much like the game for witch there will be some differences.


Twilight woke up at night, to find her babysitter and her older brother Shining armor had vanished. With only her doll-like friend Smarty pants to keep her company, they both decided to wander together to find them. But are they prepared for what lies in the darkness..?

Chapters (2)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 17 )

U asked for the grammar police?

Today is Twilight’s 5th birthday and she is happily excited today. Yesterday her babysitter Rose tart a good friend of Shining Armor promised Twilight that she would get her a present when she comes back and Twilight has been sitting in her room waiting while eating her favorite slice of strawberry cake that she got from her mother. The delicious strawberry flavor hits Twilight’s tastebuds folly and magnificently, she wanted to eat more so much more but soon realized that she already eaten her last piece and she frowned from the sight of her empty plate.

The ‘t’ in Rose Tart isn’t capitalized in any instance of her name.
Also ‘hits’ should be ‘hit’

It was Rose, she was coming back after seeing what Shining armor needed her for. Twilight didn’t had enough time to ask and without hesitation she quickly grabbed Smarty pants and threw her back in the box.

Twilight didn’t ‘had’ ; should be have.

Whatever was inside of the box...was now gone.

No space between the ... and ‘was’

Twilight’s ears instinctively perked up by the sound of that voice, her body stood still like a dear in head lights she heard the voice once again but in a calming tone.

Wrong deer.

Twilight Hugs her doll tightly then whispered to it before closing her eyes.

‘hugs’ should be ‘hugged’ and it is capitalized

Luna’s moon was rising high in the sky. It was now time for everypony to go to bed, Rose had already tuck Shining armor to bed and turned his light off all that was left was Twilight as Rose was taking Twilight up in her room.

‘tuck’ should be past tense.


I’m not done but these are a few.

9231667
*Sighs* The struggle is real, right now.

9231691

“Goodnight Twilight.” She said in a soft quiet tone.

Ok now I’m being petty; should be ‘soft, quiet tone’

But unfortunately..? Her mind couldn’t reach for dream land, as her ears instantly went up by the sound of somepony....screaming.

‘Unfortunately’ has 2 periods and a question mark.
‘Somepony’ and ‘screaming’ have 4 periods and no space in stead of 3 with a space.

“Goodnight Mrs Tart.” Twilight responded.

No period after ‘Mrs’

“Goodnight, Smarty pants...” Twilight’s eyes were fully closed as she drifted off to sleep, hoping to go to dream land as she sleeps peacefully.

Should be a ‘the’ in front of ‘dream land’ and dream land should be capitalized.

Twilight raise a hoof over her mouth letting out a small yawn before entering her room with Rose following behind, leading Twilight to her bed.

Should be ‘raised’

Do you want me to stop?

9231726
If that’s not all of it then continue... :fluttershysad:

9231733
Dear future me,

Don’t be such a jerk.

Sincerely, You

Alright let’s get rolling.

Rose turns around and walks slowly out of Twilight’s room. She raised her hoof to flip a light switch turn off the lights before turning around to face Twilight, Smiles at her one last time before using her magic to close the door as the door made a creaking noise. The door closed slowly before giving a small click that it was closed.

Ok, so pretty much a lot of things just need to be switched to past tense. But if not then instead of ‘raised’ it should be ‘raises’.
Also, ‘raised her hoof to flip a light switch turn off lights’ needs a ‘to’ between ‘switch’ and ‘turn’.

“Well if your brother doesn’t get sick we’ll see.” Rose replied after tucking Twilight in. She then leans in and leaves a kiss on Twilight’s horn before pulling back to smile at the young fillie.

Incorrect filly. (I really am picky, aren’t I?)

Luna’s moon was rising high in the sky. It was now time for everypony to go to bed, Rose had already tuck Shining armor to bed and turned his light off all that was left was Twilight as Rose was taking Twilight up in her room.

‘Rose had already tuck’ should be ‘tucked’

In truth; Twilight wanted to tell her truth, the truth about a walking talking doll just came to life and was talking to her. But Twilight was afraid that even if she did tell her she wouldn’t believe it, so she decided to keep it a secret...for now.

‘Twilight wanted to tell her truth’ should be ‘the truth’
Also shouldn’t ‘walking talking’ have a comma?

In truth; Twilight wanted to tell her truth, the truth about a walking talking doll just came to life and was talking to her. But Twilight was afraid that even if she did tell her she wouldn’t believe it, so she decided to keep it a secret...for now.

No space between ‘...’ and ‘for’

Alright that’s most of it.

9231754
I’ll fix the rest by tomorrow. :fluttercry:

9231823
Ok. I’m kinda like a 3rd party proofreader for stories.

But only if they ask. Otherwise I don’t do this.

Would you like me to just send you private messages instead of comments next time?

9231838
Sure. My bubble of light is free for anypony that wants to talk to me. :twilightsmile:

Can't wait 4 the next part!

I like this. I can't can wait for the second part

9232404
Are you sure you like this story? :fluttershysad:

9232720
I do. I'm not even joking. Unless the next parts lose their charm. Yeah, I like this

9233495
O-Okay! Thank you very much, and I’m glad you liked it! :fluttercry: I’m already working Chapter 1 at the moment.

The creature let out another scream as it started charging towards them.

Twilight’s reaction.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!