• Member Since 29th May, 2017
  • offline last seen October 12th

Clovis Point


T

Queen Chrysalis has run out of new plans, so she's decided to try re-creating an old one in a new world, instead.

(A short story written for the Villain Exchange Program contest by FanOfMostEverything)

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 5 )

Hiya, if you join the contest group you can then add this story to it, so all the people interested in the contest will get notifications that there's a new entry for them to enjoy reading :twilightsmile:

Hmm...

I mean, the core premise is certainly entertaining, and the scenes with Chrysalis are honestly quite fun. Sleep-deprived Shining Armor reacting to his world quietly crumbling around him by blaming Spike is quite frankly hilarious.

But at Dash's commentary on the retail apocalypse and Sci-Twi's on the consequences of the portal, the story loses all momentum and gets bogged down in admiring how clever the current scene is. I like self-aware metahumor as much as the next guy, but not when it threatens the plot at knifepoint, steals its outfit, binds and gags it in the basement, and then tell the plot's husband to admire how clever it is.
I fear that metaphor might have gotten away from me a little, but you know what I mean.

Also, why couldn't one Discord just undo what the other did?

In any case, thank you for the entry. But so help me, of that was a reference to the season finale at the end, when I have tried so hard to go into it as unspoiled as possible, when it airs in just two days...
Well, obviously, don't confirm whether it is or isn't. But if so, I will not be happy. It won't count against the story, but I will not. Be. Happy.

I found this very enjoyable :) Mostly-incompetent-yet-still-arrogant Chrysalis is great, and it's all the more satisfying when she does actually pull off a clever trick or two. I have no idea how you came up with the massively sleep-deprived Shining Armour, but he is indeed hilarious as well.

A fun premise and I like the interactions and banter of Chrysalis, Shining and Cadance. The cop stopping the car while the two goodie characters despairing over their inexperience at crime/kidnapping having them despair only for Chrysalis' own sweet talking to get them out of it. I also liked her crafty double fakeout escape and the suggestion she had a bigger plan at the end after all. Gives the queen a scrapper quality :)

The B story of Equestria having literal hell breaking loose is fun. Though it does cause a bit of disjointedness. A bit of what FoME was saying that the pacing gets a little wonky. A little bit to knit the two stories together would have been nice. That Chrysalis is doing this plan because of all the chaos on the other side perhaps? I do like the idea that the ponies are put into a panic because other Discord fresh with new powers was causing havoc only for their Discord to straighten it out. Discord vs Discord battle. But it might be a lot to pack in and makes for a kind of a 52 card pile up feel. It might have been better to focus more on Shining / Cadance/ Chrysalis hijinks the whole way through than throw in everything-and-kitchen-sink-too.


I see this is the first story on your account, is this your first story in general? I ask because there are a few mechanic issues here and there. Shining's opening exposition could have been paragraphed better. Also I notice you use 'principal' and 'principle' spellings. You might want to take a few extra looks and read through to add some polish. It's a bit of a rough work. You have good ideas though and some nice humor timing so I don't want to discourage! There are groups here for where writers to connect with betas and editors. Something to consider if you write again or write longer stories.

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/97/looking-for-editors

https://www.fimfiction.net/group/27/the-proofreader-group

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