KukriRyuTsukino
Joined 23rd Jun, 2017 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Good pacing, will be tracking this
Nice description drags a bit, I would change the light grey tone for the merchant into something else kinda hard to see unless your on night mode
As long as the story doesn’t get to stupid I’ll keep reading
This is good. I like it. Can't wait for more.
Want more great start.
Zero huh, well this will be fun.
Interesting start keep it up
Lets see how this goes. Putting on tracking.
You have my attention
So far, the story seems to have a solid premise, I do have a couple questions however;
Is the design for Zero in the cover how Zero will look in the story? Will you be integrating any other Mega Man characters? And will Zero be pure Reploid post-displacement?
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You'll just have to wait and see... media.giphy.com/media/b7mqjW9f4dVbW/source.gif
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I can wait then, I do like the setup though.
Great story so far
Excellent grammar, the use of color though confusing is an incredible detail (personally I find implementing that can be annoying), All we really know sofar is that he knows his way around metal and he's (I want to say stingy) thrifty.
I do so hope to see this continued as I absolutely love Zero. (That and I want to see that Kaiser Knuckle and all of its Street Fighter goodness)
Good attention to detail but not overly technical. What was technical showed character depth without boring exposition of a bit tedious. Still a bit of a Chekhov's Gun moment though, the reader likely doesn't need to know what kind of steel the gear is made from nor will it likely be important. Your character is shrewd, crafty, skeptical, and pragmatic. He sees more than just what's before him. The foreshadowing was a bit blatant, but what can one expect from a displaced fic. I'm looking forward to seeing how you handle the pacing. Your grammar was fine; didn't use any fancy punctuation rules, but nothing was lost either. Dialog was decently scripted. You missed a single space after a closing quotation.
I look forward to your future work. You have a better baseline than a lot of authors here. Especially if you don't have anyone editing for you. Many people can't edit their own work to save a life.
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A leather thong is just a thin strip of leather fashioned into a loop to secure something. The strap that goes between the toes on flip-flops is called a thong for instance.
There is a fine line between constructive and destructive criticism, mind your feet.
Interesting, you have a tracked story with this one
Interesting looking forward to more tracking story.
And I am now wholly invested. You good sir, did not dissapoint. I await to see the world you have invisioned for us.
ok question why the sex change for him?
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i.pinimg.com/originals/8b/90/56/8b905623480500f3a600f1f8df22bbec.png
That will become clear soon enough.
I'm getting intrigued.
Feel free to actually describe things to your readers through your story. While the online format allows the use of pictures, it doesn't necessarily contribute to good writing. The less a reader has to look something up to understand it, the more engaged a reader will be with your story. Not to say that things should be dumbed down, or easier vocabulary should be used; a certain level of vocabulary should be expected from a reader. However, describing things by simply comparing them to objects in other stories that one can expect most readers to have NOT seen/read does no one any good.
Swapping between bolded/italicized text for emphasis is unnecessary and can be distracting in the form you used it: mid-sentence and trying to apply more than two levels of emphasis. Pushing the gender of the character was a bit premature, he/she is still unaware of the changes and the gender of something in literary sense is determined by perspective. From third person, the reader is a spectator and generally knows about as much as other spectators within the story. For instance the ponies may not know the gender of our heroine, but as your human readers, we do know what descriptive features could ascribe gender.
Until it has been explained to the world the character resides in, it is OK to to avoid the topic altogether. You can describe the character without assigning gender as well. Things like pronounced chest, broad shoulders, soft/hard facial features, non-linear silhouette, etc. This allows a reader to place their own ideas onto the character's gender. Allowing the gender to be used as Chekhov's Gun later, when their gender will actually be used to cover actual plot or character development. By doing this you also allow the focus to stay on whatever is happening at the time the character is described rather than pushing her gender dichotomy when there are other, more important things going on. By focusing so much emphasis on the characters gender when you did, you took away from the events that were happening at that moment. There is a time and place for everything if it has a need to exist.
I know almost nothing about the megaman series, despite how much it interests me, and many readers wont either. Things like Biometal Z and Reploids refer to things we don't yet understand(as readers). Find other descriptions that will fit the subject besides just a title. A 'humanoid form' for example refers to something with two legs, two arms, a torso,a head and stands upright. Generic and understandable, but leaves the distinct implication the subject is not actually human.
There are a lot of things I don't understand or have no grasp of in this chapter and feel left out of the story as a reader and propagating that with the rest of your readers will be counterproductive to the popularity of your story.
First two chapters are a pretty good start for a displaced fic. Definitely going to keep my eye on this.
Ok, i read few megaman fimfics and your so far has interesting start. Will keep an eye on more updates.
Dear writer. It seem like you set "the bodysuit, " to private. Because It state that I have no right to see it.
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Just refresh the page and you'll see it
I like this story so far
Wow, great chapter!
Shinning Armor is like
Dislike the shifting but otherwise love how this is going.
Hmm
Nice.
Where did you get the cover art?
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Imgur
Nice lengthy chapter, character development... I dig it.
I like it but not sure about the wings
Nice job!
hmmmm quite good
Hmm.
Hah.
yes you did do that
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Perfect Steve Urkel referece, 10/10
I'm loving the story so far
More please!
Oh god why
Upper Crust and jersey
Not there to age i wonder what they’ll get into this time
I normally don't ask as I know it's annoying but is there an update coming out for this story anytime soon? I'm asking because I really enjoyed this story and it's been a while.
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Won't be too long. Working on update now.