• Member Since 3rd Jan, 2015
  • offline last seen 9 minutes ago

Damaged


Just a pon who likes writing. (Patreon)

E

The door of the Chamber of Secrets is just ahead, and Harry Potter has no clue what kind of changes will unfold once he passes it. Monsters will become friends, friends will become monsters, and Hogwarts itself will change completely.


"Ahem." I had no clue what to say. This was the story of my life I had to introduce, and no one told me how it ends. "Well, I guess since we're all here we might as well enjoy this. It's a bit of a rocky start, I think, but there's a good bit right at the—

"I'll be honest. I have no clue if there are any good bits in it. Be my guest, though. It's not like you have to fight ancient monsters and dangerous wizards alone."


Art commissioned from the amazing Dilarus.

Chapters (38)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 1165 )

I know a lot of you have been waiting for this one, so here it is: Harry Potter and the Crystal Empire.

Another Harry Potter fic, but one I hope that is a little different, a little strange, and more than a little interesting.

This will be on a somewhat regularish 1/month release schedule. The amazing Canary in the Coal Mine is funding my writing on this, and as well as the 4k words a month devoted to it, I am squeezing more in as I can. But Damaged! I hear you ask, You said you had piles of chapters already written! All true, which is why I will be publishing them rather rapidly at first.

I hope you can keep up with the amount of unfinished stories you have right now, but damn if I'm not gonna read the hell out of this later and pray for more updates.

Ask Keen and Laggie (Sorry 'bout the nickname if it isn't preferred): What are your jobs?

Oh my. Oh my, oh my, oh my. Let's review:

Harry's a kirin.
The basilisk appears to be a siren by way of Kaa.
Hogwarts is apparently nestled in with the Crystal Empire.
Ginny is a quasi-living demonstration of Cartesian mind-body duality.
Sombra and crystal ponies had some influence on Earth at some juncture.

Oh, this is going to be good. And this is certainly an interesting voice for Harry. Rather snarkier than I expected, but I like it. Looking forward to seeing where you go from here.

So Harry was turned into a Kirin then, Aw man I was so hoping he might get turned into either a Pegasus or Bat-pony, though an Alicorn would have been great to see, after all he is very powerful magic wise, maybe he could ascend into a Kirin-Alicorn, he would keep the Kirin look but gain large wings to.

lot's -o- chapter's, goodie I can be a giddie little kid waiting on the new chapters

I like this basilisk much more than the stupid one in the movie.

9434562 You caught a lot of the premises, though there are some further depths to them (obviously).

The wonderful thing about Harry is he is fairly blank slate. Canary (the commissioner) started talking about Harry Potter to me many months ago, and in the interests of making it a two-way conversation I decided to watch the films (that's right, I hadn't seen but a few scraps of the movies up until a few months ago).

I haven't read any other HP fanfiction (highly intentional on my part, trying to avoid the tropes of others seeping in), but I have several people who have not just read the other fanfiction but also the books keep an eye on me.

9434494 Yeah. Got a few that are sneaking up on completion, but I like keeping a few pots on the boil.

9434574 They really missed an opportunity to add an entirely interesting character. Oh well, where they dropped the ball, I'll surge ahead!

So damaged, I know you have a few chapter's finished. So what is the posting schedule for the rest of the chapter's until we get to the point where you have all your pre written chapter's up?

9434603 I was actually going to use them to shove my way into the feature box, but... Well, I don't need to do that now. :pinkiehappy:

That said, I'll probably dump one every day until I'm out. Then it'll be down to "as they are finished".

9434609
good, now I just gotta wait until your future time hit's sunday

9434612 Well, by Fimfic's own code, a new chapter won't be announced until at least 24hrs after the initial story posting.

9434615
so pretty much when you wake up tomorrow :P I just gotta be patient, what's a day between chapter's right now compared to the month's it took for the story to come out since you announced it in the discord's.

Wow. 18 likes, 0 dislkes. You must be good.

9434616 I like teasing. :pinkiesmile:

9434618 I write—people like or don't. *shrug*

Has this been posted elsewhere before? I could swear this isn't my first time reading it. :rainbowhuh:

Isn't Percy still at hogwarts in Chamber?

9434752 It was posted to my patreon. :pinkiehappy:

9434760 He is still at Hogwarts as a prefect.

9434778 That would be telling!

9434571
Well... Alicorn is too cliche; having him as a Kirin is way more interesting.

9434782
(Gives a knowing look)

9434803 But I Pinkie Promised I wouldn't tell!

:pinkiecrazy: Foreeeeever!

9434812
Be careful with those promises. She has ways to get back at you

Hum, could be an interesting story, keep it up.

Yay, Harry doesn't act as idiotic as he does in the books! ( no offense, I love the books but some of Harry's choices are questionable)

9434978 To be fair, he's just a kid. He's 12 here, but given his life at home and being thrust into a fantastical world where the rules have more bends than a silly straw, he's reached the conclusion that applying sarcasm to almost every situation makes it both better and helps him think of a better way to do things.

9434794

True, but don't forget that Harry is a Seeker for his team, he's great at flying so I don't see why he couldn't have a set of wings too.

A clever-than-average but sarcastic Harry Potter? This is new and intriguing! You have my interest.

"And, the other one awakens. I must commend you, Mister Potter , on finding a most useful pet. At least, any pet that keeps a Weasley quiet for more than a minute is useful in my mind," Snape said.

I really like this sentence, I don't know why.

This was her duty, and she had to get word of the Empire's return to Princess Celestia.

Hold up! Did you just replace the Crystal Empire with Hogwarts? I like it!!!
Especially the face of Snape when he face the adorable ponies.

Ask Harry Potter: Do you realize you are nake at the moment?

9435096 To be fair, he has been teaching a lot of them. The prospect of another two crawling up through the years at Hogwarts was not likely a welcome one.

Neg

A bit interesting so far! A thing to note: spelling out the pronunciation of the spell rather than the spell name itself, and describing each spell's casting process, is largely unnecessary, and kind of clunky in practice; most people are capable of figuring out for themselves how the words are pronounced, and seeing how the spells are cast, outside of an actual learning environment, is an unnecessary detail.

Also, while it's more of a personal distaste than anything else, writing in first person comes with disadvantages, particularly with tone. You can write as flowery and/or as descriptive as you want if you write from the character's perspective, but in a third-person view, much like how the actual books themselves are written. Having things be so detailed now seems out of character for Harry; you have to take these kinds of things into consideration.

Lastly, everything seems to be a little all over the place right now; it just jumps right into things, and everything happens without any buildup or a good explanation as to "why". Of course, this is only the first chapter, so I have yet to make a better prognosis, heh! I'm about to get right on that!

Well, aside from a few personal nitpicks (movie details over book details, especially in regards to things like Harry's hair color, eye color, and scar placement, always feels like a cardinal sin in fanworks, to me...), the story at least seems interesting, so far. I'll read ahead to find out more about what I think.

9435126 Well, you took the time to explain your problems, so I will take the time to give some explanations.

Paragraph1: The spell casting is important. The movies (and from what I understand the books) don't go into many specifics of magic and the mechanics thereof. I will. Harry is still learning (he's only in his second year of school at Hogwarts), and there are some things that will happen that will make this more pertinent.

Paragraph2: Your personal distaste of first person perspective is noted. I have written a lot of stories in it, and I know the pitfalls and profits to be had in this particular writing style. For example (in what is coming) Harry's constant problem with sight—I constantly have to cut back detail of things he is looking at beyond what a near-sighted person could see without glasses on. I have written first person from younger characters before, and while Harry isn't the most well versed of characters, I think it would be irresponsible of me to portray him as a typical 12 year old.

Paragraph3: The story started partway into an exciting scene from the books/movies. You yourself just mentioned that we are seeing events set down through the eyes of a 12 year old boy. You can't claim I'm not abiding by the filter of first person and then claim I am writing a bad story for following that filter to the letter.

Neg

Notes for this chapter:

King Sombra didn't bother to introduce himself last chapter, so Harry has no way of knowing who he is; simply what he is. (Though, he wouldn't have the full story, even then; there is also the matter of if the comics are taken as canon here or not- I don't read them, so I generally disregard them...)

A quill is not charged with ink, but loaded; technically, they are receptacles. A minor thing, but it kind of nitpicked at me.

I assume that Harry's (even more) prominent anger issues could be a product of Equestria's magical influence, which was possibly apparent even before it changed him.

That's all for now; this is an intriguing concept, so I'm gonna follow along with it for the time being! (Granted, it would take something fairly egregious to make me leave, for a story that I actually like.)

Most interesting. i look forward to more.

Neg

9435154
I never said that the story was "bad". It's just that this was an awkward place to start a story from, I suppose I should say. Therein lies the "all over the place" problem. While I suppose that writing it the way you did makes sense from a narrative context, it's not generally advisable in a purely writing context. Even if this is fanfiction, which assumes the knowledge of at least one of these properties beforehand, if not both of them, transition still feels a bit fast-paced, in a way that doesn't really flow really well. Idk if what I'm saying is coming across very well; I have issues with explaining my thoughts in a way that other people can understand them. I am trying my level best not to be construed as offensive, however.

Pardon my attempts at constructive criticism; the reason I offered any at all was because I liked the overall concept, and that the writing wasn't bad in and of itself. I appreciate you at least clarifying some of your decisions.

9435234 Harry heard Tom say:

"You have—You have bested me, King Sombra, but you won't get my horcrux."

When I was taught to use a dip pen, it was called charging or recharging.

9435245 More should be here tomorrow.

9435247 If I'd had a hint your comment was not constructive, I wouldn't have replied. I was just trying to point out that the style choices you decried were decisions and were planned.

Neg

9435269
Ohhhhhh, my bad, my bad. I totally blanked on that part; you right.

Also, that's interesting about pens; I had never heard that until today... in writing, I've only ever seen the term "loading". I guess both can be right, though; regional differences, maybe?

9435280 Perhaps. I'm not a native US English speaker/writer, after all (G'day mate!). :twilightsmile:

Neg

9435282
Oh! That would explain it, then! (Granted, what little I do know about quills comes mostly from the Harry Potter books themselves, lmao.)

He was focused on my face, on the scare above my right eye.

scar

The snakes words hung with a thousand meanings,

snake's
:twilightsheepish:

9435346 Thanks! Fixed em all! :twilightblush:

9435282

I'm not a native US English speaker/writer, after all

Of course, neither is J. K. Rowling.

9435398 Indeed. Which is why I'm letting loose on a few things.

Oh, so now you're throwing your wizzard hat into this ring? I don't even need to read one word to know I'll be tracking this.



Imma read dis now.

9435656 Damn straight I'm getting into this!!!!!

Okay. Snake-themed door protecting what I could already assume was a snake-themed room that held a giant snake. Oh gosh, I wonder what the way to get in could be? As if I hadn't read Lord of the Rings.

I like this Harry.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!