Alternate Beginnings: Year Seven

by Doug Graves

18 The Emperor's Trove

May 7th, 1000

"Is it here? Is that it?" Rainbow Dash exclaims, slowly flying through the air. "Please? I can take it to him, I promise!" Rainbow slides a hoof from one side of her chest to the other, the classic Pinkie Promise motion. At the mailpony's head shake Rainbow groans. She takes another long look at the weird package. She has no idea what is inside the artificial cloud crate, merely hoping her bluff would let her inspect it. Or, if nothing else, get it to Doug a little faster.

"No can do, Rainbow! Neither snow nor rain nor heat will keep me from delivering this package, even though it's trying to do all three!" Derpy Hooves shakes her blond mane back and forth, trying to keep it away from the freezing package. Her hooves are wrapped in thick cloth, holding the cloud crate as far away from her body as possible. There are little snowflakes pouring off the back end, though the outside doesn't seem ruptured or have anything wrong with it.

"What? That doesn't make any sense," Rainbow says; she flies a little closer, inspecting the package again. It has large markings on it, grouped in a circle on all six faces of the box. Each cluster of four labels is identical: thick block letters that read '--> THIS SIDE UP -->'. If one rotates the box such that the indicated side is up, a different set of letters now points to a different face of the box as the one that is supposed to be facing up. Water drips off the bottom, a damp circle forming on the underside of the package. Rainbow points at the oddity, "What the hay is making it do that?"

"Oh ponyfeathers!" Derpy gasps, spinning the box so the bottom is now on top. The circle on the new top starts fading, a small damp circle now forming on the bottom.

"Huh," Rainbow says, trying to puzzle out what is inside. She cuts to the chase, "So, you know what's inside?"

Derpy shakes her head, "Nope!"

"Huh." Rainbow hums to herself; she had been on Everfree watch duty when she spotted the train coming into town and the odd bustle around the cargo section. She flew in to investigate, only for Derpy Hooves to sign a stack of waivers and grab the odd box. The manifest said it was destined for Sweet Apple Acres, and Rainbow had no idea what could be inside. "You sure I can't help?"

Derpy Hooves shakes her head, the bulky package securely held between her hooves. She holds it up, pointing her muzzle at the label, "The package has Doug Apple clearly written on it! And I have very specific instructions to only give it to him!"

"Aww, come on, I'm in his herd! That's like, good enough, right? I promise I'll get it to him!" Rainbow pouts, the two nearly to the main farmhouse. "Why can't I help?"

Derpy reaches back to her saddlebags, one hoof sifting around and trying to find the paperwork. Rainbow points a hoof, trying to say something as Derpy loses her grip, the package slipping away from her. "Oh no!" Derpy exclaims as it plummets down, leaving a contrail of snowflakes. A stream of papers threaten to billow from her saddlebags as she tries to go after it, though her low speed gives her little hope of making it in time.

Rainbow Dash swoops down, deftly grabbing the package before it smashes to the ground. Her triumphant shout quickly morphs to a shriek of pain as shards of ice begin forming on her hooves. Her cries grow frantic, her shaking desperate as she flies higher, trying anything to return the package to Derpy as the gray mailmare gets close.

"Come on, Rainbow, let go!"

"I'm trying! It's frozen to my hooves!"

"Then stop trying to hold on!"

"I can't! It's not working!"

Derpy yanks on the box, throwing the two off balance. They tumble through the air, their shouts drawing Applejack and Doug's attention. The two farmers stop their apple harvesting, wincing as the two pegasi plow through one of the front windows. Doug looks over, uttering a casual, "So, you think they're okay?"

Applejack grunts as they jog to the farmhouse, "Ah'm more worried about the window, honestly. And did you see what the hay they were holding?"

Doug shakes his head, "No, I was too busy watching the two pegasi fail to fly through the sky." He opens the front door; Derpy is laying on her back, surrounded by loose papers and holding the package above her while bits of snow and rain drop on top of her. Rainbow is surround by broken shards of ice, massaging her hooves against her barrel and grimacing as she tries to get warmth back in them.

"Well, most ponies use the door to deliver packages, but Ah suppose this ain't the first time we need to pop a window back in place," Applejack quips, looking at the fortunately unbroken window pane. She points a hoof at the package in Derpy's hooves, "What is that?"

Rainbow's body shakes from the cold. Sliding her hooves along her barrel does little to help her predicament. She spots Doug enter the house, her wings immediately lifting her up. She darts to him, jamming her hooves against his chest. He gasps, grabbing onto her hooves and pulling them away from his body. "Sweet Celestia you're freezing!" he says, pausing at the tears in Rainbow's eyes. He pulls her closer, wincing as he tucks her hooves under his armpits, rapidly moving his arms up and down her coat. The movement seems to help Rainbow recover, the pegasus gratefully sighing into his chest as she wraps her hind legs around his waist.

Derpy Hooves coughs as a bit of water drips onto her muzzle, rotating the package while she lays on the floor. "Um, Applejack, I don't suppose you can grab my saddlebags? I need to set up the holder for this."

"And, just what is it that contraption you brought into this house?" Applejack asks as she wrenches the saddlebags off of Derpy. She pulls out a metal tripod and circular plate, placing them on the floor.

"It looks like somepony rigged a cloud generator and a frost unit to a cloud crate," Rainbow says, still hugging onto Doug. "But, what would need that amount of cold? And, for that thing to keep pumping out that kind of heat and melting everywhere?"

One of Derpy's eyes watches Applejack set up the holder while the other wanders between the box and the ceiling, "Okay, now, center the tripod on the plate." Applejack complies, a quiet hum coming from the device. Derpy pushes up, setting the package on top of the tripod. The box hovers over the top of it, slowly spinning in place. Derpy pulls off the thick gloves, wiping her forehead with a hoof. "Whew! Now, I need you to sign this, stating that you have successfully received the package."

Doug reads through the paperwork, his quick signature somewhat disrupted by Rainbow being in the way. "This is a lot of liability waivers," he says, looking over the next couple pages. "I really hope it doesn't explode."

Derpy smiles, "Hey, that's what I said, too!" She goes to her saddlebags, pulling out a letter. "And this is for you."

Doug takes the letter, opening and reading aloud,

'Dear Doug Apple,

I hope this package finds you in one piece. It was a Nightmare trying to cobble together a method of transporting the opened bottle of fire sauce, but my ingenuity has come through yet again. I would very much like to get the custom Cloudcrate I built back. The deliverypony should wait until you are done setting up the stand to return it to me. If they left, contrary to my carefully specified instructions, then please mail it to my address, located on any number of the forms.

There is a switch to turn off the freezing component once you have removed the bottle. If you have any trouble finding it, it should be on page three of the instructions. Please be careful removing the fire sauce from the surrounding material.

Whatever you do, do NOT attempt to drink it straight from the bottle! I would also recommend not touching the bottle itself. Or the contents of the bottle, for that matter. I fear it has only grown stronger with age. It wasn't this bad when I first took it home, I promise!

Sincerely,

Prince Lunaris Blueblood'

The signature is elegantly scrawled, taking up nearly the entire width of the letter. Doug looks at the package, wondering how to open it up. Rainbow hops off of him as Applejack and Derpy stand a ways away. "Huh. You ready to open this?"

"Hey, um," Applejack says, pointing at the crate. "If'n whatever is in there is really finicky to move, then maybe we don't want to open it up inside the house. How about you take it to the butc-... um, Doug's barn."

Rainbow smirks, "Yeah, whatever." Rainbow moves over, her front hooves quickly pressing on opposite sides of the package. A hissing sound escapes, the pegasus wincing and looking at the gloves Derpy took off and shaking her head; she really should have put them on before opening the box. She presses her cold hooves back into Doug, a loud sigh escaping the stallion. He begins gathering the papers as Rainbow Dash clings to him, everypony watching as the sides of the box break apart. The hissing continues as the top levitates above the rest of the box; the whole thing continues to rotate, the tripod magically holding it aloft.

Applejack grunts, "Well, Ah'd love to keep looking at this here doohickey, but Ah've got to get back to work. Lemme know when you've got it figured out." Applejack turns to the front door. She reaches her hoof out to open it before it bursts open, revealing Pinkie Pie on the other side.

Pinkie Pie is breathing heavily, as if she sprinted the entire way from Ponyville. She points a hoof at the crate, ominously yelling, "Don't Open That!"

"Yeah, Pinkie, that's what I told them, too." Applejack light prods the pink pony, "Now, if'n you'd excuse me, Ah'll be on my way."

Pinkie Pie hops out of Applejack's way as she inspects the opened box. She nods, looking to the other three, "Whew! I was really worried when I got my ear flop, then eye flutter, then knee twitch. Okay, good, we still have time."

"Hey, that's your opening doors thing," Doug remarks as he starts reading through the papers.

"Time for what?" asks Rainbow Dash.

"Time to formulate a plan," says Pinkie Pie, an overeager smile on her face.

"Right." Rainbow Dash sighs, "And what would that be?"

"Well, as Doug so eloquently read earlier, what the bottle contains is extremely dangerous, is it not?" Pinkie Pie says, holding the letter in her hoof. "And, because it was rigged with a freezing unit, therefore, what is inside is obviously something very hot!"

"Obviously," drones Rainbow Dash, a small doll pushing its way out of Pinkie's mane echoing her. "It's a bottle of fire sauce. From the dragons. Of course it's hot."

"But this is clearly not a normal bottle!" Pinkie Pie says, picking up the metal circle and tripod, balancing the lot on her head. "It is clearly a cursed artifact, that increases the potency of whatever is inside of it to ludicrously unsafe levels!" She walks out of the house, her pronking up and down somehow not dislodging the box from above her.

"Yeah, well, I've never heard of something like that," says Rainbow Dash as they follow the pink mare, "and that sounds like an old mare's tale. There's no way this bottle could be really cursed! It's probably just weird dragon magic or something." The four come to the barn, Pinkie Pie holding back and grabbing something from her saddlebags.

"Do dragons even have magic?" asks Derpy as she, Rainbow, and Doug enter the basement of Doug's barn. Everypony shrugs, no one sure of the answer. Doug clears away the far corner as Pinkie Pie pronks in wearing her pink hazmat cooking suit, her muzzle covered by a gas mask. She is still balancing the tripod and box, walking over to Doug to set them up away from the entrance.

Rainbow shrugs, "I think so? But I think it's more heat related stuff, compared to a unicorn that can do lots of things." They watch at Pinkie Pie cautious pull the top off the box, spinning it over and pulling up. A small, bright red bottle is left. There is a cap on top, holding the liquid inside. Everypony can feel the room get warmer as Doug takes the box, holding it using Derpy's gloves.

He looks around inside, trying to find the switch in question. He finds a monogrammed area, reading, 'Property of Prince Lunaris Blueblood'. He grunts as he spots the switch right next to the name. He flips the switch off, snow no longer pouring off from the cloudy material.

Rainbow looks at the bottle, grimacing at the heat radiating from it. "You said he drank from this? Like, straight from the bottle?" Doug nods, shaking his head at the thought. Rainbow smirks, "He must be one tough pony then. And you said he's still single?"

Doug smacks the back of Rainbow's head, knocking her mane over her eyes. She flips her head back, her smile not shrinking by the slightest. He says, "Okay, we need some sort of plan to dilute this stuff, it's going to be way too powerful otherwise. We're going to need buckets. Metal ones, mostly filled with clean water."

"What if we dilute it too much?" Rainbow pouts, "I don't want to drink any weak-sauce fire sauce. Blegh!"

"We can always let it sit and let the water evaporate. Or, just test it with one drop, and see how that goes." Doug shrugs, "I sure don't want to lose my taste buds for a week. Or, since I'm obviously not as strong as the Prince, probably a lot longer."

Rainbow Dash grins, "Alright, fine. I'll get the clouds, you get the buckets." She flies off, Doug collecting ten one gallon buckets from the barn, as well as a few clean metal poles. Rainbow returns, kicking the clouds and raining into the buckets. They quickly fill, Doug hauling them back downstairs as Rainbow disperses the cloud.

The buckets ready, the three watch, grins slowly spreading on their muzzles. Pinkie Pie reverently reaches forwards, pulling off the cap and carefully tilting the bottle. It rotates, getting to the halfway point. A collected intake of breath comes from the three as Pinkie pauses, waiting for something to begin pouring out.

After a few seconds of nothing happening Pinkie Pie continues tilting, further and further until the bottle is completely upended. "Huh," Rainbow says, "Is there nothing inside?" She walks forward, her head about to go underneath the bottle before yelping as Doug yanks her back.

A drop begins to form right on the edge, slowly growing larger and larger. Rainbow grumbles as she waits, hooves locked in place, as the drop peeks out over the inner edge of the bottle. It rolls off the end, reaching the outer edge and hanging there. Pinkie Pie gives the bottle a slight shake, Rainbow clenching her teeth in anticipation. Pinkie Pie slowly shakes the bottle back and forth, the drop stubbornly holding on.

Rainbow groans, "This is it? Come on!" The drop finally dislodges, slowly falling down as Rainbow continues, "I mean, if all we get is one lousy drop, then-"

The single drop lands in the bucket of water. Everypony hurriedly takes a step back as a churning sound comes from the bucket, the water inside beginning to boil over. Giant bubbles ripple to the surface, scalding liquid spraying forth. Doug reaches with his metal pole, trying to stay out of range and swirls the water around. The boiling continues unabated, the water inside starting to run a little low.

Pinkie Pie reaches over, her gloved hooves lifting the bucket as she shouts, "Ow-dow-how-dow!" and pouring a fifth of the remaining water into the first available bucket. Steam flows from the water as she pours, the red tinged liquid dispersing into the bucket. She quickly moves down the line, the first five buckets getting a portion of the original contents.

Rainbow and Doug hastily begin stirring, trying to spread the boiling liquid around. Pinkie Pie joins them once she finishes pouring, her muffled, "Mmph mphna mprh," getting nods and smiles in return.

"Not a problem, Pinkie. That was good thinking."

"Mhnk nhya!" Pinkie Pie's goggled muzzle nods up and down. Satisfied the buckets are mostly safe Pinkie Pie pulls off her cooking suit, "Whew! I'm sure glad that's over with!"

Doug smiles, counting the liquid left in the gallon buckets. "Yeah, me too. Okay, so, we've successfully diluted the fire sauce by nearly, hmm, let's call it half a million. And it finally seems safe. Who wants to give it a test?"

Pinkie Pie's hoof shoots up, Rainbow following shortly after. Doug pulls out three metal cups, handing one to each of them, glancing at Derpy. The pegasus shakes her head no, Doug shrugging. They all dip their cups into the bucket, Rainbow remarking, "Wow, it's still warm." They each take a sip of their cup, swishing the liquid around in their mouths before swallowing.

In near synchronous motion each pony's muzzle starts getting a little pink, a bit of a gag as their mouths feel dry and warm. Their muzzles slowly darken, their lips and cheeks turning a light red, then a deep red. They breath out, feeling the heat escaping their mouths but doing nothing to help with the building burning sensation. Each of them look at each other in alarm, trying to contain their pain and tough it out.

Doug's hair and the pony's manes and tails erupt into red flames, steam hissing out of their ears. Doug's mouth opens to scream but instead even more steam billows out, the human collapsing to the floor and writhing around. Rainbow follows suit but hovering in the air, her hooves flailing about as she burns.

Pinkie Pie, going through the same fire effects as the other two, merely smiles at the taste. She bounces up and down, licking her lips and saying "Juicy!"

"Oh Sweet Celestia it Burns!" Rainbow shouts, diving for the nearest source of water.

Doug shouts, "NO!" as Rainbow dunks her head into the closest bucket, greedily drinking the red tinted liquid.

Rainbow looks over at Doug, her horror slowly building as she realizes what she did. Tears dribble from her eyes as she dives at Doug, the human holding her tightly as she screams into his chest, her mane erupting into blue flames. Doug holds on, wide eyes at the flames lapping at his body, amazement at the lack of pain and burning from them. Rainbow slowly settles down, her exhausted body laying against him, all of her muscles feeling strained from the ordeal she went through. She pants as he pulls over a bucket of untainted liquid, nearly choking on her first small sip.

"Well, lesson learned from that," Doug croaks out, "We need to clearly label these bottles. You know, that was pretty good, once you got past the initial burning. Kind of like wasabi. Who wants some more?"

Pinkie Pie raises a hoof, "Ooh! Me! I want some more!" as Rainbow groans.

"Hey, I just had the best idea." Doug grabs one of his meat storage containers. Rainbow moans as she looks up at him. "We brine some of the rhoa in this! Or, maybe water it down some more and then try that."

"Oh, that sounds so incredibly hot," Rainbow grins, licking her lips and taking another drink of water. She pushes herself up, not to be outdone by Pinkie Pie as the mare moves to one of the buckets. Rainbow stumbles as she pants, "I guess I can try some more." She smirks at Pinkie Pie, "Bet you can't get your mane to go blue!"

"Oh, it is on like hot on a dragon!" Pinkie Pie shouts, filling her glass to the brim. Doug merely shakes his head. He should get Meringue to draw a bunch of flames on some labels. He begins bottling the watered down fire sauce as Rainbow and Pinkie Pie do their best to light themselves on fire. Safely, of course.

Comments

[Snow]

So wait. They just used one drop, or the bottle only had one drop in it?

[chibilink]

Tears dribble from her eyes as she dives at Doug, the human holding her tightly as her screams into his chest, her mane erupting into blue flames.

That is quite the potent stuff.

[cdragon]

9581332
The bottle had concentrated into that single drop.

[f0st3r21]

“By the powers of naughtiness, I command this particular drop of hot sauce to be really, really hot.”