The Stuff of Legends

by Harvs

Chapter 18 - GO!

Chapter 18

GO!

(Where were we? Somewhere on Rainbow Road I think. Oh... Right.)

GO!

The race began with the count down reaching green. The karts blasted forward with tremendous speed, a few of them even getting an extra speed boost by holding the A button down at the correct time.

However, several karts did not move forward at all. And by several, we mean one. The kart piloted by the pony. "What the heck? How do you make this thing move?" Vinyl Scratch said, irately. With her magic powers on the line, this wasn't a race she could afford to lose. Yet already she was at a great disadvantage as she witnessed all of the other racers zooming forward and disappearing out of sight down the steep slope. Even Latisha, who was in no way, shape, or form able to control her kart, was speeding through the track.

Meanwhile, in front of most of the other racers, the Pyro was swerving past hazardous pits and stray Chain Chomps like a professional. Seeing as he was invited to join Sonic the Hedgehog in his kart racing game, it was little trouble for the mercenary to master a different kart model. As he ran through a partially visible, multicolored block with a question mark in the middle, he was suddenly holding a large black hammer. His familiar weapon, the Powerjack, allowed the Pyro to speed up, leaving the other racers in the dust.

However, just behind him, Wario, Latisha, GLaDOS, and Will were also receiving their respective items from the rainbow boxes. Wario obtained a useless banana peel which he uselessly placed behind him uselessly. And useless it was, as all of the other racers swerved around the empty fruit holder.

Latisha passed through the mystical item giver and was granted with a queso-slick. She dropped the trap behind her as well, adding to the useless hazards.

GLaDOS, using her potatoness to drive the kart, got her item which turned out to be a turret. "Oh good. I was beginning to think I wasn't going to see you." GLaDOS sarcastically said, swerving through the banana peel and cheese puddle.

"Ohai." The turret greeted GLaDOS. The potato quickly got rid of the annoying sentry, plopping it down behind her, making it someone else's problem.

"Where are you going?" The turret asked curiously as GLaDOS sped away. If she didn't see the useless scrap of metal again, it would be too soon.

Then it was Will's turn. He passed through the block and smiled. He already knew the item he would receive. In his inventory appeared not one, not two, not three, but FOUR blue shells. "Ah hahaha!" He laughed, as he held two of the blue, spiked, winged shells in his hands. "There's no way I'm gonna miss!" With that said, he launched the two shells forward.

Passed GLaDOS, Latisha, and Wario, the shells aimed directly for the Pyro, rocketing through the track faster than any kart. The two shells were now hot on the Pyro's trail, no matter how hard he tried to shake them, they were just too fast. Before the Pyro could react, the shells struck his kart, creating two large blue explosions and sending the merc's kart flying.

"What in the world was that?!" GLaDOS exclaimed as she passed the damaged vehicle and the Pyro, struggling to comprehend what the actual f*ck just happened.

Suddenly, another blue shell was let loose, aimed for Wario. It exploded on him with equal brutality, knocking the fat man and his car sky high. Wario let out a rather loud "WAAAAAAAA!" as he fell back to the ground, accelerating back to top speed like nothing had even happened (stupid rubber band physics).

However, now the places had been greatly altered with Latisha in first place, followed by GLaDOS, Will, Wario, and the Pyro. Behind them, just reaching the item boxes, Yakko, Sephiroth, and Vinyl, who had finally gotten the hang of driving... sort of. It was rather difficult with hooves.

Upon passing through the question mark block, Yakko recieved a slingshot with 3 shots. "Oh this is great!" He exclaimed, as he neared the other drivers ahead of him. Not wanting to hit the Pyro, he tried to speed up next to him to communicate and coordinate.

Meanwhile, Sephiroth phased through the box, obtaining a magical essence of fire. He suddenly put together that he was wielding a 'Firaga' power in his hands. And judging by the power he could feel, he had enough for five fire balls. He noted the current places, singling out Will in the front. All they had to do was beat him and they would be able to get to Captain Planet, as well as get Vinyl's magic back. Speeding ahead, he hoped to knock Ferrell into last place with one fell swoop.

Swerving and spiraling behind all of the other competitors, Vinyl Scratch struggled to drive with her lack of hands. "How in Equestria does anypony expect me to do this?!" She yelled, unable to comprehend what the actual was going on.

As she neared the encroaching wall made up of four question mark blocks, she had inevitably seen what they were used for, and thus aimed directly for the one closest to her general direction. Through all of her bad driving and failing at being good at driving, Vinyl Scratch devoted all she had and... completely missed the item block.

"Oh are you kidding me?" Vinyl asked, looking back. Seeing as she was already last place, there was no time to turn back around. She trudged on, saddened by her inability to be good.

At the front of the line, Latisha's lead was not going to last much longer, as Will Ferrell was closing in on GLaDOS and preparing to launch his last blue shell. He let loose his grand attack, unleashing the powerful attack. The blue shell of hatred and despise flew with tremendous speed straight toward the kart-bound taco.

With an enormous blue explosion, Latisha's kart was flung high into the sky, crashing down while staying surprisingly upright and intact. However, now the places had shifted even further, with GLaDOS in first and Will closing in behind her.

*****

The next few laps proceeded with little deviation from the first. The places now stood as Will in first, followed by Wario, Latisha, the Pyro, GLaDOS, Yakko, Sephiroth, and Vinyl Scratch (who had finally managed to get the hang of driving) all the way in last.

With only one more lap to go, it was seemingly a pointless effort. The deal was for them all to end up ahead of Will, and so far he was winning. Perhaps they should have just beat him up, taken his money, and maybe his kart, then thrown him off of Rainbow Road and raced to Captain Planet. Then they would slap him around some, insult his mother, and probably go get some pizza afterwards, celebrating their awesome victory against the meanies who stood in front of them. Then maybe they'd hitch a ride home on a bus or something and call it a day.

So far... that wasn't looking like the optimal plan.

Getting back to the actual race thing at hand, Will was getting rather fed up with Wario. "Will you just get out of here?" He asked over the roar of the engines and Rainbow Road music. "I'm tired of you hogging the road!"

"I'ma Wario! I'ma gonna win!" Wario said, speeding ahead of Will with an unnecessarily large boost, sending him practically to the something far away.

(My brother and I were just arguing about the music of Star Fox 64 for a good two minutes and have rightfully forgotten where we're going with this particular part of the story. On the bright side, I won the argument, so that's that.)

"Hey! Get back here you fat f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f" Will shouted, though he suddenly began repeatedly making the f sound.

Because the joke was funny the first time, Will disconnected from the race, disappearing entirely and making this unfunny joke unfunnier.

The Pyro noticed the sudden disappearance and mumbled back to the others, "Hmmph! Hmm hmmm mmmph hmm hmmph!"

The others simply replied, "What?!"

All except for Vinyl Scratch, who was carefully weaving back and forth through the multicolored road, aiming for the item box. twisting and turning delicately through to make sure she got the item resulted in her not getting the item. "Oh pony feathers!" She cursed rather inappropriately, and continued driving poorly down the road.

About thirty seconds later, Will appeared right where he had vanished, raging hardcore. "GAH! I HATE MY STUPID INTERNET CONNECTION!" He raged like a twelve-year-old on Call of Duty. He looked in front and behind, but he couldn't see anyone. "Oh well. At least I'm still ahead. Or maybe I'm not. But whatever. Ignorance is bliss." Will said, zooming forward and passing the others.

"Ha! I still win losers!" He yelled at them. When suddenly, a white pony began catching up. "Oh look who finally got the hang of it. And even with no magic. I'm slightly more than impressed."

Vinyl Scratch chuckled, "You better watch that hubris of yours. It's gonna come back to bite you real soon." She taunted, a set of item boxes coming up.

Will had missed the items, shrugging it off as nothing as he passed Wario who was in first. "Not like it matters. Even if you pass me, your friends have to beat me too!"

As the ivory unicorn approached the row of question mark blocks, she calmed herself, and used reverse psychology on the world and tried to miss. Ironically, that caused her to get the super item box. No banana peels or red shells to be seen, but instead, Vinyl was granted the one thing she needed.

The most powerful item in her arsenal.

The most wubtacular wubcaster this side of the wubiverse.

The bass cannon.

A devilish smile appeared on Vinyl's face, as she lined her cannon up with Will's kart.

"It doesn't matter what item you got!" Will mocked back at her. "The finish line is within sight! There's no point in using... what even is that?"

Vinyl finished the aiming process, and smirked, the sunlight gleaming against her glasses creating a cool anime affect. "Oh... it's nothing special." She pressed the big red button, as the gears began turning inside of the amp, preparing for the intense amount of wub. "It's just my BASS CANNON!"

Within a split second, an outrageously enormous blue beam rocketed from the cannon forward across the entire road with no concern for what it hit. The beam was so powerful, it completely decimated the railing of Rainbow Road, though not the actual road itself (made of rainbows or something. idunno.)

By the time Will had taken the time to look back and notice what was coming at him, his kart was already knocked to the side of the road, spinning out and recovering from ridiculously large amounts of wub that had just hit him. It sounded a little something like this:

SKREEEEWUBWUBSKREEEEEEBWOOOUUUWAAAHHH SKREEWAHHH WOOOUUUHWAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

With this incredible dues ex machina, the pink pony (not pink) zoomed ahead, crossing the finish line and finishing... seventh.

"What? Seventh?" Vinyl asked very much very confused. "I thought I finished first... I passed all of you."

Sephiroth approached the pony and said, "You did pass us, but that's because we lapped you. We had already finished. Though for some odd reason, we weren't able to stop driving until now."

Vinyl scratched her head. "So... who won?"

GLaDOS chimed in from behind "Sephiroth was sixth. Yakko came in fifth. I was fourth. Latisha was third. The Pyro was second. And the yellow tub of lard came in first place."

"What?! That guy?!" Vinyl shouted, her jaw hitting the floor. She directed her attention over to the end of the road where Wario was STILL sitting in his kart, having not moved a muscle.

"I'ma Wario! I'ma gonna win!" He repeated, though he had clearly already won. Whatever.

"Well... that was anticlimactic." Yakko said, reuniting with his team.

"Hmmph hmm mmph hmm. hmmph." The Pyro said.

Latisha drove up, saying nothing because she was too choked up.

"I really didn't think we could do it." Sephiroth rather depressingly stated. "But we sure did it."

"Wait." Vinyl said. "We all beat Will. That means I can get my magic back!"

The grouple turned their attention over to the burning and slightly demolished kart as Will rolled it passed the finish line, claiming eighth place.

"I'ma Wario! I'ma gonna win!"

"Oh shut up you!" Will shouted. He looked over the other six, staring at him with anticipation. "Alright, alright. fine. I lost, I admit it." Will began waving his arms about in some silly manner. "I'm nothing if not a man of my word. So Vinyl Scratch. I bestow back to you... your magical powers."

With a simple snap of the fingers, Vinyl felt a huge magical surge of some sort flow through her body. After a few shivers, a bluish glow encapsulated her kart and it was lifted above the ground. "It worked! I can magic guys!"

Sephiroth gripped his hilt and turned to Will. "Now there's just the matter of you opening the pathway to Captain Planet."

"Yeah k." Will said surprisingly suavely. "There's no need to get violent." He snapped his fingers again, vanishing into thin air.

The group turned to the left to see a side road appear, with a hastily crafted sign reading "Norweigia".

"We're here..." Sephiroth said, staring at the odd sign.

"Captain Planet, here we come."

Comments

[RooDarkblood]

Good to see this story's rolling again. Extremely pleased to see how it all turns out.