In which Spike gets a Surprise
Another early morning, another tired dragon. Spike hadn't been able to fall asleep for a long time the night before and had decided to change his plans for the day. Today was Rising Up's and his two month anniversary, and while that was a bit of a weird anniversary to celebrate, he wanted to do something for his girlfriend. She had mentioned her calendar the night before … maybe she had been in a bad mood because she thought he did not remember? Rarity had strongly cautioned him that forgetting an anniversary might seriously disappoint his romantic partner.
An additional benefit would be that it gave him a good excuse to visit Rising Up at work. She obviously wasn't happy, and while she was not willing to talk about it, her irritated reaction when he had mentioned her new job had not escaped his attention. He was her boyfriend, it was his task to find out what was bothering her and help her! He wanted to put a smile back on his girlfriend's face.
Spike had decided to bake Rising Up a cake – flowers were obviously a bad idea – and bring it to her to work. He'd be a little late to helping Applejack, but he knew his good friend would forgive him for that if he told her he had wanted to do something romantic for his girlfriend. He would just have to work a little longer in the evening to make up for lost time … maybe not take such a long break for lunch as yesterday. He could do this! All it would take was a little effort and some hard work!
Spike's feet hurt as he shuffled through the kitchen, preparing the ingredients. He seriously considered flying to the Apple Acres later to take some strain off them: there weren't many ponies around, so he probably wouldn't bother anyone. But flying was really exhausting. Spike was amazed how Rainbow Dash could do it for hours on end before getting tired.
Spike worked on two carrot cakes: a bigger one for Rising Up, she might want to share it with some colleagues, and a smaller one for Twilight. His baking skills weren't on Pinkie Pie's level, of course, but his cakes were always well-received and never lasted long. He wouldn't have to worry about preparing lunch for Twilight: the soup from yesterday was still good.
Twilight still being asleep, he prepared a little arrangement for her to find when she woke up. Table already set, flowers in a vase and in front of the cake a little note that read:
Dear Twilight,
I'm off again to help at Apple Acres and later the Carousel Boutique, but I'll be back before sundown to cook dinner. Here is some cake as reward for being a good pony and going to bed before midnight for once! I hope you slept well, and I look forward to hearing what new uses of magical transmogrification you have uncovered when I come back.
Love, Spike.
Spike hurried towards town carrying his cake. He didn't want to show up at Applejack's later than he had to.
Rising Up had mentioned that there was a lot of work at the major's currently … maybe Spike could find a way to reduce workload there as well? He and the major had always gotten along well. It was Twilight's recommendation that had gotten Rising Up the job she had now – written, of course, because of the begging of a certain purple dragon. The powerful sorceress was highly respected, and a bit of her fame fell off for Spike, too … he had been helping in saving the people a number of times, so Spike felt that was not entirely unfair. If he asked the Major what was causing problems in her workspace, maybe he could beg Twilight for help again: his older sister was, after all, legendary in her skills of organisation. Perhaps all the dark clouds that had been starting to overshadow Rising Up and his relationship recently could be dispelled just like that, as if Rainbow Dash had just flown through them. Yes, he had to be like Rainbow Dash now: courageous, unhesitating, decisive and quick to action. He could do this!
Spike arrived as the first employees of the major were just beginning to unpack their handbags, which was good: Spike wouldn't have wanted to interrupt Rising Up while she was working. Nodding and greeting he quickly moved through the house towards the room where he knew Rising Up was working. He could hear her and one of her female colleagues talking through the slightly ajar door.
“… saw you and that dragon at Hooves and Gables yesterday.” was the first thing Spike could make out from the conversation, spoken by Rising Up's colleague Lickedy Stamp.
Smiling, he reached out to push the door open and greet his girlfriend. It was the downright acidic tone of Rising Up's voice that made him freeze in his tracks.
“Really? Oh damn! As if being in public with that freak wasn't embarrassing enough already, now I get seen by people who actually know me!”
She … what … Surely she must have been talking about someone else! Her next words confirmed the truth, however: “He is such a doormat! Oh my God! I've been trying for weeks to get him to dump me, but he just puts up with any shit I put him through.”
What … No! Spike felt as if he was staring in a cockatrice's eyes. His entire body was petrified, unable to move, a faint pain somewhere, but like it didn't even really belong to him.
Oblivious, Rising Up rambled on: “I mean at least I get some half decent stuff out if it, like this jacket. But no money in the world could compensate for dating that loser. If I had any chance of getting this job without his owner's influence, I wouldn't even have considered it, but I needed that letter of recommendation. And now I just can't get rid of him: he sucks up everything I throw at him! And not just me, you should hear what else he told me! Seemingly our great and powerful Twilight has essentially been keeping him like a slave since he was born – or hatched actually, that snake-like freak: he's doing all the chores for her so she doesn't have to lift a finger. He actually told me the first time he had two days in a row off was when he turned ten, and then he didn’t even know what to do with them! And guess what he does now, that dumb shit? Goes off and works his ass off on a farm like some degenerate dirt-digger, and he's too stupid to even get paid for it. Dragons just aren't meant to be free … disgusting creatures. At least no one but you knows I actually kissed him once to get this job … yucky as it was, scaly lips and his tongue all weird and forked. Touching him … I get shivers just thinking about it! I'd piss on the creep, but I'm afraid he might just like it!”
Something had happened. Spike was sitting under a tree, legs pulled up against his chest with his arms around them, his wings spread over his head to block out as much of the world as he could. There were tears streaming down his face. He had a vague memory of porcelain shattering as a cake hit the ground, of faces of ponies whisking by, blurred by tears, the town disappearing behind him, running, just running, some horrible, fiery roar trapped somewhere in his throat, wanting to get out, to burn everything until there were only ashes left. He'd kept it inside, not wanting to hurt anyone else, and now all that remained inside him was ash. The pain felt strangely distant, remote, like it was eyeing him patiently from afar. Come, Pain! Spike said in his mind. Come! I'm only ash now. You can't hurt me any worse. Maybe that was why it didn't come. He was distasteful even for pain.
Translating ancient gryphonic glyphs was hard, even for Twilight. While it was basically a mathematical system, a series of equations that could be solved, there was meaning and subtext to every single symbol and it's positioning on the page. That was in part why they had been abandoned: writing this way was almost as much work as reading it.
The first and second time there was a knock on the door, Twilight just ignored it. The third time she called out “SPIIIKE!” aloud, hoping her assistant would handle whatever. By the fourth she figured that today might be another one of those days when Spike wasn't home … those were becoming quite frequent lately. “I’m coming!” she yelled, slightly annoyed that she was dragged from her research.
“Applejack! Rarity! Rainbow Dash! Welcome! Come in!” Twilight said surprised, not having expected her best friends to show up on her doorstep.
“Hello Twilight.” Applejack was obviously worried, looking around the house as she entered. “'ave you seen Spike?”
“Not since …” Twilight did a quick search of her memory, “… yesterday.”
“Is that from this morning?” Rainbow Dash held up a note that had lain next to the dirty dishes on the table.
Twilight was getting more confused by the minute. “Yes, why?”
“So he didn' forget.” Applejack mumbled, concern tingeing her voice.
“Have you been neglecting your sleep again, Dearest?” Rarity asked sternly, reading the note. “You'll get wrinkles!” It was obvious that the thought to her was much more frightening than another run in with the Diamond Dogs.
“Would you please tell me what in Equestria is going on?!” Twilight was beginning to lose her patience.
“Sorry, Twi.” Applejack explained, “See, Spike'd promised he'd come by 'n help me a bit on the Acres, but he didn' show up, so I thought that maybe Rarity needed him for somethin' after yesterday 'n maybe he'd just gone straight to her an’ come by later but then he didn't show up so I walked to town to check with Rarity an' on the way I met Rainbow Dash an' she hadn't seen him either an' when I came to the Boutique Rarity told me Spike'd promised to come by 'n help but she hadn't seen him since yesterday 'n Spike normally never ever stands you up, so we're all really worried.” Applejack took a big breath to refill her lungs. Her worry made her accent come out even thicker than normal.
Twilight quickly absorbed the information. “Well, let's check his room first.” No reason yet to get panicked; maybe they were just overreacting. As she approached Spike's room, however, her nostrils picked up a scent that actually had been with her for a while already: smoke and the scent of burning. The books! Spike! Twilight broke into a sprint, closely followed by her friends.
“Spike!” she yelled as she threw the door to the young dragon's room open. There he was, lying on his bed, his head pushed through a hole that he had burnt right through his bed. There were scorch-marks all around the room … fortunately no glowing embers to be seen.
“Spike!” Twilight called out, not as loudly this time, as she rushed to his side. “Spike, what's up? What happened?”
Her friends stared at the room in shock and increasing concern as no answer was forthcoming from the dragon. At least he was breathing.
“Spike, talk to me! Tell me what happened!” Twilight's mind quickly searched through a list of things that might upset her dear little brother so and almost immediately narrowed down on the most likely possibility. “Was it Rising Up? Did something happen?”
A small gout of flame gushing out from under the bed made Twilight raise her legs and Rarity jump back with a yelp. Her suspicion confirmed, the purple unicorn rubbed her brother's back between his wings. When had he become so … muscled? A question for later.
“I'm sorry if you two had a fight. Would you like to talk about it?”
The movement of his neck suggested that he was shaking his head.
“Sweetie, we're here for you! We're all … We'll all help you feel better if there's something we can do. Is there anything we can do to help?”
Another head shake.
“Can we … Do you want to be alone?”
Nodding, this time.
“Okay, Spike. Just … remember, if there's anything we can do, please let us know, okay?”
A smaller nod.
Sighing, Twilight gave him another squeeze – could he even feel it through the scales? – and got up, looking at the others to leave the room. Applejack had tears in her eyes and was snorting as she left, Rainbow Dash looked like she was about to punch a hole in the wall. Rarity stood to the side, looking at an enlarged picture of herself, framed and hung on the wall, untouched by any of the devastation that had wrecked the rest of the room.
“Rarity?” Twilight asked.
“Yes, Dear. I'm coming.”
Twilight gave way so that her unicorn friend could leave the room unimpeded, and with a wistful glance back at her little brother literally burying his face in the bed, carefully closed the door.
“Ooooh, that little …” Twilight could hear Rainbow Dash raving already as she walked back to the living room. “I'm going to punch her to tomorrow! I'll kick her teeth in! How dare she …!”
“Rainbow Dash, we don't really know what’s going on yet.“ the magician attempted to calm her friend. “Maybe it's just a minor hiccup. Maybe all of this can be resolved by just having a good, honest talk.”
“A minor hiccup?!” the pegasus asked incredulously. “You saw Spike!”
“Yes,” the purple pony agreed. Staying rational and reasonable was hard for her, too, and Dash should have understood that. „but we don't know yet what actually …”
A rhythmic, almost melodic knock on the door interrupted the sorceress.
“See? Maybe that's her. Perhaps she's come to apologize and there's no need to …” Twilight eyes widened in surprise as she opened the door. “Pinkie. Hello.” While Twilight liked and valued Pinkie as a friend, the party pony wasn’t the immediate solution for her brother’s problems she had hoped for.
“Hello Twilight! Hello Applejack! Hello Rainbow Dash! Hello Rarity! Hello Twilight's house!” Pinkie sang as she danced into the room. “And helloooo again Fluttershy!“
“Uhm … hi?” the yellow pegasus carefully offered as she tentatively put her head into the room.
“Hello Fluttershy.” Twilight couldn't find it in her to respond with elation. “Please come in?”
“Yes,” the small pony entered the room, staying near the wall, “sorry.”
Pinkie meanwhile looked from one pony to the next, then put her hands on her hips. “You sure look like you could use some cheering up! Why so many frowns when Pinkie’s around?“
“Spike had a bit of a rough day.” Twilight tried to explain, unsure of how much she could give away without discomforting her little brother.
“Oh … that explains everything! I saw Rainbow Dash, Applejack and Rarity run through town to Twilight’s house and thought that maybe you might be having a party without me, but that would be absurd, of course!”
“That little stupid mudface of a donkey Rising Up hurt our Spike!” Rainbow Dash was obviously much less concerned with protecting Spike's privacy than Twilight.
“Rainbow Dash! Language! Please!” Rarity attempted to reign her friend in.
Pinky took on a thinking pose, one hand against her chin, and said in strikingly uncharacteristic contemplation: “Then I guess he wasn't fine with her having sex with Fiendishly Rich …”
Five ponies stared open-mouthed at the new owner of the Sugarcube Corner for several seconds. It would have been the perfect moment for crickets to chirp, but nature did not oblige.
Twilight was the first to recover to the point where she could speak again: “I'm going to banish the slut to Pluto.” It was the lack of emotion with which that statement was said that made it so threatening.
“Now we're talking!” Rainbow Dash was quite obviously all for the idea.
“Why the heck didn't you tell Spike?!” Applejack asked the pink earth pony.
“Oh, but I tried to! I just couldn't get a hold of him since he was always running either towards you or to Rarity, and I thought maybe he likes it, since I know there are some colts who much prefer watching the mare they love get fucked 'til she faints by another …”
“Pinkamena Diane Pie!” Rarity yelled at her friend, “That is a lot of information that we never, ever needed to hear!”
“I need to write a letter to Luna about how to petrify using the Elements of Harmony. And then I need to get a really big hammer.” Twilight was still in tactical planning mode.
“Oh! Oh! I'll help with that!” Rainbow Dash was giddy with excitement.
“... please be QUIET!”
All of the ponies obeyed instinctively, but it took them a couple of seconds to connect the powerful command to the shy, yellow pegasus still standing next to the doorway who had been unsuccessfully trying to get heard for the last minute. Fluttershy looked around, seeming almost surprised with herself that this loud voice had come from her own small body. After coming to a conclusion, she had tears of defiance in her eyes as she spread her legs slightly as if preparing to weather a rainstorm: “I know we are all hurt and upset because of what happened to Spike, and we want to take action against the one responsible. But we really do not even know half the story yet, and we should not hastily do or say something that we can’t take back later. Maybe this is all Rising Up's fault, and maybe we should do something, but we mustn't judge someone else until we know for sure. I am sure Rising Up has her own situation to deal with. Even if she is the one fully at fault here, let's not forget that it is easy to have compassion and mercy for someone who is fundamentally a good person, but showing the same towards a being that is deeply flawed is hard, and it is the hard things that are usually the most important.”
Fluttershy drew a couple of shaky breaths, her nose still raised defiantly even though she had her eyes closed during the latter half of her speech. She would stand up for her ideals if she had to, but doing so was still very hard for the shy pegasus.
“Um, girls?” Spike's raspy voice made her eyes shoot wide open, and together with her friends she stared at the young dragon who had appeared in the doorway. “I kind of heard you yelling, and … Fluttershy is right. This isn't Rising Up's fault. This is my fault. I broke up with her. So can you please … just leave her alone?”
After a second of silence, Rarity was the first to speak: “Spike …”
But the purple dragon interrupted her by just raising his hand. “I'm sorry, but I'm going to lie down again. I have a really bad headache.”
Spike could feel the unhappy gazes of his friends on his back like branding irons as he left. He couldn't deal with what Rarity would say right now: ‘Oh Spike, you are such a Darling!’ ‘A true gentleman, any lady would be happy to have you!’ Lies. All lies. But lies he wanted to hear. Lies he had been listening to until he managed to convince himself to believe in them.
That he would go to bed was also a small lie, just like that he had already broken up with Rising Up. Spike quietly opened the back door and slipped out to turn one of the things he had said to reality. He spread his wings and took to the cool night air. By now not many ponies would be about, and it was unlikely they'd look to the sky and he couldn't face anyone right now. Fluttershy. So kind, so gentle, so good at heart. Spike didn't deserve to be in her presence, he didn't deserve to be in the presence of any of the Elements of Harmony. But he'd convinced himself that he did, he had even dared to hope for something more, for happiness for himself, for someone to share his life with. Stupid. Idiotic. He was a dragon. Dragons didn't get to share. Rising Up wasn't happy being with him – of course not, he was a dragon. No matter how hard he tried, there was nothing he could do, the problem lay within what he was. Only one thing to do. The gentle moonlight reflected off the tears on the young dragon's face as he said goodbye to a brief chapter in his life. He would end what should never have started.
The gentle knock brought Rising Up to the door. “Spike!” she hissed in surprise as she opened, then looked left and right to check whether anyone was around to see the young dragon come to her flat. “What are you doing here?”
She could tell something was wrong. Of course she could tell something was wrong. Spike would never come to her flat uninvited, she had made it clear that she did not want him to.
“Hello Rising.” Spike said, his voice still a little hoarse. “I'm … I've come to … I think we should … reconsider our relationship.”
“What? Why?” Rising's voice was still an angry hiss.
“I was at your office this morning. I heard what you said to Lickedy Stamp.”
Rising's eyes widened for half a second. It was clear she knew exactly what he was talking about. “So what, now you've come here to demand I let you in? Take my shirt off for you?”
“What? No, Rising … No, I just … You are not happy being with me, you never really wanted to be with me, so I think we should … end it.”
Rising Up was obviously surprised, but played over it very quickly: “Are you trying to be the noble hero now, the poor victim? Don't shit yourself Spike: You knew full well that your only chance of ever having a relationship was taking advantage of me! I refuse to believe that you'd actually be stupid enough to think that I would want to be with a dragon. You really thought I was going out with you for yourself?! What mare in her right mind would ever want to be with a scalie?!”
Spike gently shook his head towards the pony who was almost frothing with rage: “I guess we never really knew each other. Good bye, Rising Up.” He turned around, spread his large purple wings and took off into the night sky.
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9200202
You might be amused by the next chapters. Or horrified, i cannot quite tell yet.
9199317
"I think the girls or some big brother figures like Mac or Shining might be the only ones to be able to get through to him that this relationship isn't healthy."
I'm afraid i am actually not quite nice enough for that.
I hope i will manage not to disappoint with the rest of the story.
Good chapter, I really have a bad premonition right at the end of this chapter, hopefully, it changes for the better. Man, you sure made Spike a bit too sensible, but that is not a bad thing, hopefully, he becomes a badass later on.
I felt like this part was a bit too soon and it should have come a little later, especially with both AJ and RD, since there wasn't enough information relay to them as to what causes Spike to act like that and all they know is that he probably had a fight with Rising Up until later.
I do wonder which of the girls would rise up to the challenge or maybe all them would.
9206610
Thank you for the feedback. I see where you are coming from. My impression of Spike in the series was that he was not by and large someone overly prone to overreacting to things, and that was before he even hit puberty. Since this story is set a while after he has passed puberty, i figured that Spike, like most people, might actually mellow out a bit, which leads to him being rather calm and reasonable.
This also plays into the second thing you mentioned: Spike's friends know him as reasonably calm, so they know that when he throws a tantrum and completely wrecks his room, he is emotionally deeply affected. Applejack reacts simply with compassion, tearing up a little because she worries about Spike so much, and i felt that if there is one pony amongst the Mane 6 who would be prone to rashly taking action when she sees a friend of hers hurt, it would be Rainbow Dash. I personally know some people who, if someone they care about gets hurt, are likely to react quite quickly and can go overboard a bit. I did interpret Dash's words more as just spoken out of anger rather than an actual intent to take action (or she might have flown right out of the house), but maybe i portrayed her as a bit too impulsive?
9208627
Yeah, I know about that, I figure that as the mane-6 would have also matured and either find themselves in relationships or known others that also have relationships and they would know that couples argue/fight and makeup. One job as a friend is usually a shoulder to cry on and to listen as to what happens (My own experience). But Spike is/was in an abusive relationship, they are still not aware of that and Spike overheard Rising Up said about him, the only thing they know is that she was cheating on him and vice verse with him. If they did/will find out what Rising Up said about Spike, I can fully understand both RD and Twilight's way of think.
You may know a friend really well, but remember, there would be times when that friend surprises you with the most random out of character at times.
I'm not sure I can call anything in this chapter swearing or violence... They were really tame. You should put the anthro tag on this, and maybe add something in the first chapter at the start to really clarify that. Up until Applejack's hand I was pretty sure we were doing normal ponies and dragons. Even in the carrying Twilight part there's nothing to indicate it.
Anyways, story wise, you could afford to describe your characters a bit more, although you did well on Spike. The characters actions and behaviors are pretty well fleshed out, and the story itself really seems pretty promising. I feel like it's a pretty big gap in time when I find someones writing that I can just read and enjoy. No massive grammatical errors or constant ones, this was really easy to read and enjoy, the "Is this anthro or is it not?" was really the only confusing thing. You set up your scenes and your descriptions well, events flow rather beautifully, the promise in this is huge. I look forward to seeing it fulfilled.
9250692
Thanks for the comment.
As far as swearing goes, people have different limits: i personally swear a lot, but there are those who would complain that "fucking" already constitutes a condemnable swearword (i admit i wonder if those people find a lot of stories with the sex tag that they actually like).
Violence ... Twilight is talking about turning Rising Up to stone and then smashing her to pieces with a large hammer. Of course she wasn't serious, i only played this for laughs and given a moment to calm down and think about things she would never do anything like that, but if you think about it ... whoa. In the very old cartoon Gargoyles there is an episode where something like that actually happens, and i always imagined what it would be like for the people who get un-petrified at the end and then see this gory mass lying in pieces next to them.
As far as anthro goes, there is a mention of that in the extended story summary, and i figured the picture for the story might give a hint as well. Do you think i should add an "anthro" warning at the start of the story anyways? I am currently considering posting several chapters twice: once in a version where the ponies have feet and once in a version where their hind limbs have hooves (sorry, but hands have proven to be mandatory), which is part of the reason i haven't gone further into what type of anthrophication will be featured in this story.
You mentioned that it would be good if the characters were described more. I've been trying to do that through their thoughts and actions - writing for instance how Applejack, facing financial problems, still does not manage to say a word about this to the financially incredibly successful Rarity (who i think possibly intimidates her a tiny little bit), but feels the intense need to continue to be as exclusively self-reliant as she possibly can be. (Part of the so far not explicitely mentioned backstory is that Spike found out by accident how thinly stretched the Apple family is, and then pressured Applejack until she agreed to let him help out.) I'm not entirely certain whether you feel there should be more description of characters through internal thoughts and actions along the same vein, whether there is something different you have in mind, or whether you thought of more external descriptions, like how the ponies are looking or what they are wearing?
Once more, thank you for commenting, that a well established and respected author like you considers my wribblings enjoyable means a lot to me. The person who graciously agreed to help me as an editor just recently informed me that he thinks that "everyone in this story is acting tremendously out of character" ... which i admit rattled me a bit. I've had chapter 3 written for several weeks now, but chapter 4 turned out such a trainwreck that i felt i needed to find an editor to get it in acceptable shape, and finding someone who would be willing to help out proved rather difficult. To have then have someone friendly who i believe to have significantly better understanding of the MlP:FiM universe than me tell me that my story utterly fails in one of the aspects i consider to be not only important but actually key was a bit of a blow. I don't want to write a story where the characters merely share some superficial similarities with those from the official show and happen to have the same name - that's not MlP fanfiction in my opinion. I'd like to get the characters as right as i can ... Pinkie will always be a problem, i don't have confidence that i can write Pinkie well the way she appeared in the original series. I briefly considered that if i suck that badly at this, then maybe i should rather do something different, something worthwhile that will actually contribute positively and maybe come back later when i have hopefully acquired additional skills and knowledge to get this right. But there are those who actually liked the story, and i felt it would be - excuse my language - a dick move to just leave the story here with only the vague possibility that i might come back to it one day. So reading that you found my story enjoyable was a very welcome boost of confidence.
I am currently hoping i can convince my editor in spe to help me understand in detail where i got the characterisation wrong, so that i can improve my understanding and provide more enjoyable stories. I'm always very keen on improving myself: it is one of the reasons i wanted to write this story and put it up for criticism. But it's possible that he might consider that too time-consuming ... in that case i might need to find someone else to tell me where i failed. I sat on my hands for two weeks waiting for responses to private messages to people listed in an editor's group who to this day never wrote back ... i'm sorry for the delay in posting, but i'm also adamant about only providing as high quality service as is possible for me, regardless of which task i am engaging in, so if this person decides that for whatever reason they do not intend to invest this amount of time in correcting my inaccurate perceptions of the characters from MlP, then it might still be a bit longer until the next chapter is posted.
Either way, thanks for the comment again, it made my day a bit brighter.
9251732
A warning isn't necessary, there is a tag you can add to the story(It's a gray tag). Its a good idea to have your story as accurately tagged as possible for those looking for specific things. and while I understand your logic with the picture, there is a lot of stories that use anthro pictures that aren't actually. And the feet vs hooves thing you tentatively can get away with avoiding until their legs come up >_> I wouldn't bother rewriting for both just choose one or the other, the vast majority of people will overlook it if it bothers them and just add in their own preference.
I remember that episode, but the image of being un-petrified is separate from the one of being. That wasn't really an issue though, just a personal opinion on what constitutes violence. I have some very graphic detailed scenes in one story, and I remember feeling really justified in warning before that chapter.
Physical description, their mind sets are actually really well done already. You want to make sure you have the reader imagining the right imagery shortly after the introduction of the character, instead of being halfway through and being like, "This is what they look like!" and totally flipping their mental image on its head. A.J. actually had a pretty solid description and its in a good spot, the biggest description for how she looks you were missing (If memory serves) were her breasts. Rarity and Shy's get a fair description, but like... Dash, A.J., Twilight, and Pinkie could all be flat as a board. Twilight's lack of explained boobs was part of the reason I went so long thinking this wasn't anthro. Those four in general had pretty limited descriptions, and Shy's and Rarity's I'd still say are lacking a bit. I know Dash is short with wings, that's about it. Her frame, chest, fur color, hair, and I think even her clothes were completely iced over.
I disagree strongly with your editor. Twilight could not be more in character, neurotic, research-oholic, and extremely overbearing on her friends problems (Spike's "break up"). Shy was to... well, shy to confess, super caring and kind, and willing to give the benefit of the doubt as well as stand up for what she believes is right. Dash is super loyal to her friend and a bit pushy about it, as well as obsessed with flying. Rarity was elegant and a bit of a flirt, and she shows inner turmoil of society vs her own interests, which she has done many times in the show. Applejack was hard working, protective, and honest. Pinkie... is random, god I love writing Pinkie. Happy, laughy, and just totally capable of being completely broken up about something. She is this ball of energy that just smiles, even through all the shit, even when she doesn't want to. Jokes, puns, total non-sense all works with Pinkie, but all with the knowledge that she knows more than everyone else in the room about whats happening. The most aware of all ponies, is one Pinkie Pie. And yeah, she knows too much and she doesn't judge.'
And Spike, caring about his dragon heritage, wondering how others see him, afraid of being alone, giving of himself for others, at most he could afford a little more sarcasm, but I think character wise, you have him set nicely.
Seriously, I'm not sure how anyone can think any of them are out of character. I mean your biggest potential there is Rarity spurning Spike for being a dragon, but that's not even all that crazy. She cares what others thing, a bit too much, so no, not unreasonable her feelings and her ideals are at ends with each other. Editors are great, I've had like... 7 or 8, and the truth is, sometimes you need to tell them no. Anytime, I was told something was OOC, we have sat there and talked about it in massive walls of texts my point vs theirs and we either found a middle ground or I put my foot down, and they respected that it was my story to do so with.
I truly believe it would be a grave mistake to stop this story.
Great chapter. I really can't wait to see more. I wonder how things will go from here since I can see a number of places this story could go with the break up now done