Magical Medicine

by yellowbastion

Chapter 1 Part 2

You didn’t ask to be born perfect, you just turned out this way because God loves you more. But the universe? It seems to hate you. You’re sure of it. Sometimes when you wake up in the morning with good intentions and build great plans to get things done, the universe seems to scowl at you and say ‘not today’. Take, for example, your stay in the Ponyville hospital. You had all the best and brightest doctors and nurses trying their hardest to help you. Which means that everything went wrong. Because of course it did. There are four sure things in life: death, taxes, Twilight S. Parkle fucking something up, and you not respecting someone’s name.

For what it’s worth, Twilight tried her best. As it turns out, her best is what some other people would call their worst. You don’t have the first clue how magic works but you’re damn sure it shouldn't cause body dimorphism. That’s a real word. Look it up. The spell was miscast, or had misfired, or some other word starting with mis and now you have the biggest, magic induced raging monster of an erection, both literally and figuratively.

"Help, my new penis is a gigantic monster!" You yell, still attached to your giant throbbing member as it smashed through yet another unfortunate pony's home. "That one was also your fault!"

Twilight did give you a bigger dick, yes sir, but in the most destructive way possible. Now all of Ponyville gets to bear whiteness to your oversized wedding tackle flatten any structures standing larger than it does in a fit of jealous rage in a classic textbook case of overcompensation. Not that you would know, personally.

Twilight was galloping alongside your bulbous gland, shooting magic stun bolts at the gigantic creature that was once your one-eyed gopher. "Anon, I can fix this! You just gotta hold it still!"

You were cool as a cucumber, as your mammoth gherkin rumbled down the road to its next target. "Hold still? Hold still!? I don't even know how I'm hanging on!"

Your name is Anon and you're apparently not allowed to have nice things.

Comments

[totallynotabrony]

9162511
Okay, I can see that.

[The Watcher Face]

WAT.

[ssokolow]

9162511

Except that it doesn't matter, because the idiom "second-worst" (with the hyphen, because it's a compound adjective) has an identity of its own which would remain intact even if the usage of the words it derives from shifted beneath it. (I find that, if you're unsure, a good way to check these sorts of things is to google both candidates in quotes and see which one is being actively used by people who write English professionally.)

That said, deriving it from its source words does still make sense. "second-worst" is to "worst" as "second-best" is to "best". It means "next in line for the position of 'worst'" in the same way that "second-best" means "next in line for the position of 'best'". (Or, to put it another way, "second-worst" means "second-place winner for the title of 'worst'".)

[yellowbastion]

9164504
...oh ..kay?
I'll just choose a different word then.

I find it curious that this one word is giving me trouble and not any of the poor jokes, name calling, memes, or references.

[ssokolow]

9164668

To be honest, I haven't read the story yet. I just noticed the issue while scrolling through the comments to get a second opinion on whether I should read it after seeing such an un-flattering rating.

That said, it's important to get your grammar and spelling right in a purely written forum. To quote something from the ancient days of the Internet:

Q: I cant spell worth a dam. I hope your going too tell me what to do?

A: Don't worry about how your articles look. Remember it's the message that counts, not the way it's presented. Ignore the fact that sloppy spelling in a purely written forum sends out the same silent messages that soiled clothing would when addressing an audience.

-- Brad Templeton, _Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette_

(And, by "the ancient days of the Internet", I mean that the Google Groups Usenet archive shows it as having been around since before October 24th, 1988... and since that's the "last updated" date, I'm assuming that means it was circulating in un-archived regions of Usenet prior to that date.)

[yellowbastion]

9164685
Fair enough. Not everyone loves Applejack, I guess. Or dick jokes
The story is exactly 1,234 words and the read time is about 4 minutes.

[Phil Ken Sebben]

Unlike everyone else, the minor grammar errors didn't bother me. i thought it was funny.

[yellowbastion]

Up-vote this comment if you want this story to receive new chapters.

Down-vote this comment if you want this story to stay at exactly 1,234 words and have any subsequent chapters as a new story.

The votes are in. More chapters incoming. I hope you like weird.

[AnormalUnicornPony]

That ending is hilarious though!

[yellowbastion]

10795940
Playing Bop-It with your favorite pony while the two of you are shipped inside a box traveling across the country would hardly be annoying, it's more of a challenge.

😏 "Pinkie, lets play Everest" Anon tosses Bop-it into a cardboard box.
"You got it, 'Nonnie!" Pinkie jumps into box.
“Why Bop-it, why play it in a box, and why is it called Everest?”
😏 “Because it’s there, Twilight.”

[tsaukpaetra]

Everything is ffiiiine!