Chapter Four
Spike sweated nervously, as everypony around him (sans Flurry Heart) sat around the dining hall table with rictus grins on their muzzles. While it was not uncommon to see such an expression on Twilight, especially when she had forgotten something important from her todo list, seeing the same expressions on Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Shining Armor was disturbing.
“Did somepony drop some Pinkie Venom in the water without me knowing it?”
Flurry Heart shrugged, continuing to shovel food into her mouth. “‘unno, don’ ‘rink wafer”
“Flurry Heart, don’t talk with your mouth full!” Cadence said, snapping out of it almost immediately. “Ms. Lessons would be appalled.”
Flurry Heart finished what was in her mouth, as what she had to say was super important. “‘Quette can suck eggs off a—”
“Flurry Heart!” This time it was Shining Armor.
Celestia held a hoof to her mouth, hiding a delicate titter.
“Take it from your parents, Flurry,” Spike said, glad to see the mood lighten, “you don’t want to be known as the princess who feeds like a pig at a trough every time you head to the Hayburger.”
“Hey!” Twilight growled.
“Oooh,” Flurry Heart clopped her hooves excitedly. “Mum, can we go to the hayburger after this?”
“You’ve already eaten three plates of spaghetti, how could you want more?” Cadence asked.
“Not for food, mum, for ice cream,” Flurry replied, as if her mother were the dumbest pony in Equestria.
“I’m sure Twily has plenty of ice cream here,” Shining Armor replied. “We don’t need to go out for ice cream.”
“Actually, there isn’t any ice cream in the house,” Spike interjected. “There hasn’t been any in the last few weeks. Twilight has been stress eating ever since she came back from the summ—”
Oh dear. There were those rictus grins again.
“We’re at war, aren’t we?” Spike asked. “Let me guess… it was either Twilight, Cadence or Luna.”
“What do you mean: it would be me, Cadence or Luna?” Twilight asked through gritted teeth, her scowling brow completely at odds with the rictus grin she still insisted on sporting.
“Well, you—” Spike pointed at Twilight, “—probably asked about, I don’t know, changeling mating habits. And you—” Spike pointed to Cadance, “—probably asked for a demonstration of their mating habits.”
“And what of Us?” Luna asked, her scowl taking over the entirety of her face.
“Well, just…” Spike waved his hand at all of her. “You.”
“Hmm,” Luna’s replied, brow furrowed in concentration, before her expression lightened considerably. “Yes, ‘tis a faire assumption.”
“Do not worry, dear Spike, we are not at war.” Celestia said, putting on her motherly tone. “You worry too much.”
Spike raised an eyebrow… he’d known Celestia long enough to know that ‘motherly voice’ was usually put on when she was trying to hide something.
“So, if not war, then—”
“Ahahaha,” Twilight said, “let’s just get back to our family dinner!”
“Did you just say ‘Ahahaha’, Auntie?” Flurry Heart asked. “You know that’s not how laughing works, right?”
“If you ask no more questions, I’ll take you out for ice cream after dinner,” Twilight quickly responded.
And everypony was back to those rictus grins, which was made all the more disturbing as maintained them while attempting to eat. All the while, they kept their eyes on Spike.
“A most humorous event occured at the peace summit, Spike,” Luna shouted.
“Luna? What on Equus—” Twilight asked.
“‘Tis called a segue, young Sparkle,” Luna replied.
“Oh dear,” Celestia sighed. “I had hoped to at least get to the cake before this was brought up.”
“That may be a good thing, Sister. Whilst We object to the way Our nephew spake, His assessment of Thy rump is not wholly inaccurate.”
Luna wilted under her sister’s glare.
“Nothing wrong with a larger rump,” Cadence replied. “More cushin for the p—” She stopped when she noticed Flurry Heart listening intently. “—otatoes. More cushin for the potatoes.”
“Huh?” Flurry Heart asked.
“I honestly have no idea either, honey,” Shining Armor said, shaking his head.
“So what is going on?” Spike insisted.
Everypony (sans Flurry Heart) froze.
“I think we were talking about S.E.X.” Flurry Heart answered.
“Flurry!” both Shining Armor, Cadence and Twilight shouted simultaneously.
“What?” Flurry asked. “I might only be eleven, but I am her daughter,” she replied, pointing a hoof towards Cadence.
Cadence blushed, whilst Shining Armor grumbled something about boundaries.
“No, Flurry,” Spike said, “they were talking about something else.” He paused. “Well, the rest of us were talking about something else… with your parents, it usually is about se—”
“Spike!” Twilight barked. “Not in front of Flurry.”
“I already know what he was going to say—”
“Don’t!” Shining Armor, Cadence and Twilight shouted again.
“—Sex” Flurry continued.
“Next child,” Shining Armor growled, “I am the one in charge of giving ‘the talk.’”
“Please don’t use to Royal Guard,” Flurry begged.
“What‽” Shining shouted. “Okay, definitely going to be in charge next time. Also, I want the names of those guards so I can have them exe—”
“No! Not Crystal Rod,” Cadence wailed.
“I have not had enough booze for this conversation.” Spike growled. “So, the dysfunctional Crystal Empire Royal Family aside… What’s. Going. On‽”
Twilight sighed.
“So, during our negotiations, Queen Chrysalis made some… demands.”
“She knows you beat her, right?” Spike asked.
“Rainbow lasers and all, yes,” Twilight replied. “It certainly did nothing for disposition… I guess somepony has to be nice before a rainbow blast to the muzzle makes them nice again.”
“So what demand has you so worked up?”
“She demanded a bridegroom—”
Spike gagged. “She wants to marry a pony? Ugh, gross!”
“—for her daughter.” Twilight finished.
Spike paused.
“Probably still gross.”
“I don’t know, changelings have a strange sort of beauty—” Celestia remarked. “It is just ashamed about their… personalities.”
“So yes, Queen Chrysalis demanded a bridegroom for her daughter,” Twilight said, lingering before continuing, “a royal one. A prince one. An Equestrian prince. Which meant—”
“Blueblood,” Spike groaned. “Sweet Celestia’s bountiful flanks, we are at war!”
“I am not sure how I feel about that saying,” Celestia hummed.
“Nay,” Luna replied. “Not young Blueblood. We even tried to convince Him again, after His first refusal, but he steadfastly refused to leave Our moon.
“We are not sure how He is even holding on, if We are to be truthful”
“So then who?” Spike asked. “Unless Shining Armor has a secret love child… wait.” Spike turned to the white stallion. “Do you have a secret love child, Shining Armor?”
“I am almost 100% certain he does not,” Cadence replied. “We’re always careful in using contraceptive spells anytime we invite anyone—” Noticing Flurry Heart listening again, Cadence changed tack, “—checkers. Anytime we invite anyone over for checkers.”
“Well then, there are no more Princes in Equestria, unless you plan on turning Twilight into—”
“She has already steadfastly refused against that one,” Cadence replied. “Which is such a shame, she’d make such a cute little stallion.”
“Hey, do I have to start worrying?” Shining Armor laughed, nudging his wife in in the ribs.
“You already should,” Cadence replied. “You’re lucky your little sister never responded to my—”
“Will ponies please stop talking about my romantic life?” Twilight asked. “What don’t you all understand about heteroromantic asexuality?”
“Pretty much all of it,” Spike said, waving his claw.
Twilight pouted.
Celestia draped a soft wing over Twilight’s back. “If you ever need somepony to—”
“Hetero. Romantic. Ace!” Twilight growled again, before Celestia removed her wing.
“So speaking of romance,” Cadence chimed in. “We were talking about weddings.”
“Yes,” Twilight replied. “Thank you, Cadence… for once. So you see Spike, there is one last Equestrian prince. Though he doesn’t exactly know that he is a prince…”
A chill ran down Spike’s spines.
“No.”
“Spike, it’s—”
Not possible!
Spike was not going to hear of it.
“I can’t be!” Spike replied. “I don’t even know who my parents are! How can I be royalty if I am an orphan? And how can I be Equestrian royalty when my parents, whoever they are, are dragons?”
“Technically, one of your parents wasn’t a dragon.” Twilight whispered.
“Wait, Twilight?” Spike growled. “You know who my parents are?”
“Well, kind of also your only parent,” Twilight whispered even lower. “You only have one parent.”
“One parent? How does that even work‽” Spike said. “I remember the lectures, Twilight. Two ponies… or two what-evers, make a baby what-ever. It doesn’t happen by magic!”
“Except for the rare few times it does,” Celestia intoned.
“Huh?” Spike asked.
“My exam… I was giving an dragon egg to hatch,” Twilight said, quietly. “I didn’t know—”
“You didn’t know what, Twilight?” Spike asked, his breath catching in his throat.
“I didn’t know it was an unfertilized egg, Spike,” Twilight replied. “All I knew was I had to hatch a baby dragon, and put all of my magic into that spell, and…”
“Wait, are you saying you’re my—”
An explosion rocketed overhead and everypony (and dragon) dove for the ground. When the smoke cleared, they saw above them a banner with a crude picture of Spike and Twilight drawn on it.
The banner read: Congratulations, Spike, Twilight’s your mommy!
“Celestia-fucking-damnit, Pinkie!” Spike roared.
“No, I am certain I definitely don’t like that one,” Celestia grumbled.
“You’re my mother‽” Spike yelled. “What? When? How?”
“The what and the how have kind of been covered,” Twilight answered, “but the when… well, I only found out a few years ago myself… on your eighteenth.”
Celestia glared at Luna.
“How were We to know Thou hadst not told Thy pupil!” Luna said. “We wished to congratulate young Sparkle for raising such a fine Son. We thought she wert protesting out of humbleness.”
“Why didn’t you tell her earlier? Why didn’t you tell me—” Spike started, staring at Celestia.
“Oh, yes yes, what a terrible monster I am,” Celestia scoffed. “I hide one little mess up where I accidentally get a foal ‘knocked up’ of sorts, and all of a sudden it’s cries of ‘Down with Tyrantlesta!’ How do you think the public would react to such news about their princess? Do you know what constitutes serving a sentence for an alicorn?”
Spike waited.
“At least one-thousand years locked away on some celestial body,” Celestia barked. “And all Luna did was try and kill every living thing on this planet… do you know how ponies respond to foalfiddlers? I’d be lucky if I got away with one-thousand years!”
“Spike, I know this is a lot to take in,” Twilight interjected. “It was a lot for me to take in too.”
“That’s what she said!” Cadence said.
“Not now,” Shining Armor replied.
“That’s also what she said!” Cadence cackled.
“Sweetie, this is why there are so many charges against you in the Empire.”
“Take your time,” Twilight said, ignoring her brother and sister-in-law. “I know it’s a lot to process.”
“So you are just dumping all of this shit on me?” Spike growled. “Hey Spike, by the way, we’ve kept your mom secret from you, you’re also a prince, and by the way… we now want to marry you off to some bug-faced changeling princess?”
“That’s about the gist of it,” Celestia replied glibly.
“We won’t force you to marry her,” Twilight said.
“We won’t?” Luna asked.
“No,” Twilight said, glaring back. “He’s my son, and I am not going to force him into an arranged marriage.” She paused, smiling gently. “My son. Huh. It’s kind of nice to say it out loud.”
“I need a drink.” Spike said.
“Go spend some time with your friends,” Twilight said. “Talk to them, they’ll help you get through it.”
“Oh, like I bet they helped you, right?” Anger flashed across Spike’s face. “So our friends have been keeping me in the dark too? That’d be about ri—”
“They don’t know,” Twilight responded.
“Well, except that one, somehow,” Twilight said, pointing a hoof up to the banner.
“I—” Spike said, getting up from the table. “Yeah, okay, I might go and talk to them. Thanks— for not, you know, telling them before me.”
“Let’s go for ice cream—” Flurry Heart said, jumping up and following him. “—coooooooooousin!”
“Ugh, fine, but I am getting rum and raisin…” he grumbled. “Light on the raisins, heavy on the rum.”
Ж
Celestia sat down in Twilight’s breakfast nook. Even though the previous night had been draining, she still rose earlier than most ponies, having to raise the sun and all. She made a fresh cup of coffee from the weird machine her other-former pupil had given Twilight, and sat down to read the paper on the table.
PRINCESS TWILIGHT’S BASTARD CHILD
Princess Twilight foaled a child at the age of six. Is Princess Celestia Responsible?
See page three for details.
Celestia screamed.
“ME-FUCKING-DAMNIT!”
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Great chapter, totally understand about the wait. C.S. is kicking my ass too.
Let me guess: Either A) Spike got hammered and had a drunken rant, B) Flurry Heart decided to repeat everything she heard in public, or C) Pinkie Pie (once again) couldn't keep her Celestia-damned mouth shut.
Ok, that last line was pure gold!
Its actually interesting seeing how yours and Level Dahsers humor is quite similar (been keeping up with DaD, love it to bits). You both literally have the perfect timing and recall!
Man, I wish I could be helping you with editing this so I could get first looks.
9183005
That's because he's still a 'consulting co-author' for DaD and I like his humor as much as you do.
And just FYI, still working on DaD, just going reeeeal slow.
OH man I love the way it ended, it was a great way for it to go. I am SOOOO betting Flurry has a thing for Spike. I mean her mother lets be honest is a mess, Shinning is a SAINT for being married to her. Yea she seem like a great lay but everything else just seem like it would drive you crazy. I think the girls might also have words with Twilight for hiding this from Spike, and them, for so long. I really REALLY hope you don't shit on Rarity and make it NOW that he is a prince she want to be all over him. Even if he didn't like it she WAS right, yea she did a shit job of making sure he understood where they stood yea. But he isn't OWED her heart even if she does find him attractive. Let her be what she has been to him for years right now... a friend.
Loved this chapter!
Especially Flurry and Cadance.
Great job!
I don't get it... what about Luna?
And someone needs to fire that headliner.
9183005
Thanks for the compliments... and yeah, as 9183020 mentioned... I still consult on a lot of DaD, so I throw some jokes and that to LD every now and then. Honestly, he censors most of it, because our sense of humors are pretty different, but complimentary. I love the wacky-zany stuff, which is pretty much why this story lacks Level Dashers... well... level-headedness.
9183094
Nah, definitely no Flurry Heart thing... plus she's like 10 years old or something... 10? Or did I say 11? I dunno. Anyway, Spike is no Celestia, so Flurry is safe. On the whole thing with Rarity, some of that is going to be explored, but in this story, I am pretty much ramping up all of the characters worst traits (or fan-perceived worst traits) and ramping them up to 11, yah know, same age as Flurry Heart. I am not sure how exactly the Rarity storyline will go yet, as I wrote a lot of the brainstorm, like, in 2014, so a lot of stuff has changed, and I might find a funnier direction to take her.
9183500
Lol, yeah, I probably should be fired... but I wrote that at... fuck, what was it? 2:00am? I was trying to finish it before I went to bed, so there wouldn't be another week or more wait as I fuck around with assignments. Chapter barely even got the once over, let alone the "browse back through previous chapters to make sure I've kept the storyline somewhat consistent" (see the Cadence/Shining divorce fuck up in Chapter 1 & 2)
9182963
You know, I was thinking of going into that, but then I thought... it's funnier if it isn't known. Knowing how it got out, to me, isn't as funny as less than 24 hours later, the secret is out and Celestia's "dirty little secret" is out. I'll be going into the fallout in later chapters. Also, writing that bit in was a complete spur of the moment thing. I write a lot of lines spur of the moment, but then drop them because they affect the flow of the story. Fuck, the flow of the story is chaotic enough as it is.
9182906
Haha, yeah man, I hate Rarispike, so any where I am too lazy to actually contrive some reason for them not being together... I kill her off. See: Daughter and Dragon. Lol. It was easier to just say "eh, fans will accept it, but she's dead, so I don't have to write it."
And now, back to fucking gardening. It's spring over here, and the flowers are fucking my nostrils. Fuck flowers, man, fuck em!
9183020
Haha no worries my man! Its well worth the wait!
Ah, that ending scene had me busting out laughing.
Ahem.
Yes.
I don't have the words to tell you how much I enjoyed this... so I'll use numbers, 9/10 because perfection is an unattainable goal that drives the weak to madness.
When are we gonna get a new chapter?
More soon?
Awesome start! xD Keep on the good work!
Any idea when you can get back to this?
Preguiça de escrever em ingles, otima historia
here I am still waiting for v: