Chapter Two
Spike groaned as Twilight pulled open the curtains of his room.
“Spike, I’ve had enough of this pity party, it’s time to get up.” Twilight carelessly waded through the piles of empty bottles of firecrystal whiskey and emerald chips. “Really, this room smells like a distillery, and I am not sure how that is possible when crystal’s don’t actually ferment.”
Spike pulled the covers over his face.
“I mean, you’ve really let yourself go,” she tut-tutted as she yanked the blanket off of his bed.
“Just leave me alone,” Spike moaned.
“No way, no how, Mister!” Twilight barked. “It’s been four months, it’s time to get out of bed and start getting over it. I… ewww. Spike, when was the last time you had a shave?”
“Uhh, I dunno, maybe last week?”
“Well, it’s about time you got your flank down into the bathroom and clean yourself up.”
Spike rolled over. “Can’t get up, hangover.”
“Oh, I know a spell that will solve that,” Twilight said with a wicked grin.
“No, Twilight, don—”
Spike clutched his head in pain. This wasn’t the first time Twilight had used this particular spell on him. All the badness of a hangover, condensed into approximately two minutes. He breathed deeply as the pain surged through his pounding temples, every slight noise like a dagger in his brain.
Knowing this, Twilight continued cleaning up the bottles on the ground, happily letting them clink loudly as they landed in the trash bag.
One minute, forty seconds, Spike told himself. Then would be the blessed relief. Ten seconds. Five Seconds. Four. Three. Two. On—
Ahhhh, there it was. The flavour of a greasy haybacon and egg roll washing over his tongue, followed by a stiff, black coffee.
The addition of the tastes and smells was something Spike had convinced Twilight to add to her Anti-Applejack spell after Twilight had spent a night out with Applejack, the eponymous pony for which the spell was named. Twilight had used the spell on Spike long before her own bout with it, but added the extra signature to the spell after her own personal experience.
It hurt like hell, but it was super effective.
“The real thing will be waiting for you downstairs when you stop smelling like a hoof-ball team.” She hurried him out the door. “I need you presentable, we have important guests arriving in the next few days.”
Spike lumbered his way down the crystalline halls towards his bathroom. The staff of the castle had pretty much left this section of the castle alone, aside from mopping up the occasional spilled beverage. Spike pushed the door to the bathroom open, entering the large converted room. Originally it had been a guest room, but Spike’s slightly larger stature than his younger days made him a little large for the pony plumbing of the castle. A large, circular brass bath, two meters in diameter sat in the center of the room, steam rising off the water. Twilight had obviously had the castle servants draw a bath for him, and heated it to near boiling temperatures (something that soothed his draconic bones). In the far corner was a large mirror, basin and super-reinforced, dragon-proof toilet.
As had been stated, the plumbing of the castle was pony-rated, not something that would survive a healthy dragon’s movements… let alone an unhealthy dragon that had pretty much been on a four-month bender. Spike had heard Twilight needed to organise trauma counselling for the Ponyville sanitation workers.
After relieving himself, and saying a silent prayer for those poor, poor ponies down at the treatment plant, he looked at himself in the mirror: it was a sad sight indeed. As Twilight had said, he had not been keeping good care of himself, his chin and cheeks were flecked with hardened granite build up.
Spike groaned to himself. Ugh, nodragon looks good with five-o’clock rubble.
After spending about twenty minutes with an angle-grinder clearing up his face, Spike made his way towards the brass bath. The thick, rich smell of minerals wafted from the steam into his nostrils. It was rare that Twilight let him use her fancy bath salts, so who ever was visiting tonight was probably important.
He lowered himself gently into the tub, allowing the scalding water to relax his weary muscles. He laid there for about twenty minutes, before the heat of the water was starting to dissipate. He didn’t particularly want to get out yet, as that would mean he’d have to suffer Twilight’s overbearing nagging.
Plus, he was still very sore. Sure, Twilight’s spell had solved his hangover problem, but it didn’t do much for the abuse he’d given his body over the last few months.
Speaking of abuse: Spike’s claws wandered down his belly, deciding on their own to make the most of the soapy warmth before he had to get out.
Those poor, poor sanitation workers.
Once he was finished with the bath, and all evidence of his relaxation was down the drain, Spike rinsed off in the shower. The bath minerals were amazing on his scales, but he’d made the mistake of not washing off once before, and relaxing minerals can quickly turn to scale irritation as they dry.
He returned to the basin to give his teeth a cursory clean; the general fuzziness of his teeth was something more annoying than the effort required to clean them, so a compromise was made. He then gargled enough mouthwash to mint-blast away the worst of effective marketing scams.
Looking at himself in the mirror, he didn’t overly recognise the dragon that was looking back. He was clean, for the first time in about a month and a half, his teeth didn’t have a build-up of emerald flakes between them, and his underarms… okay, so they still needed something.
Spraying his underarms with as much deodorant as his nose could take, Spike finally felt like himself again. Like he did when he was still with—
Any concept of feeling good about himself soured as he left the bathroom and made his way to the dining hall downstairs.
Ж
Spike had grown increasingly concerned as the day had gone on. Twilight had served him a literal dragon’s hoard sized breakfast, filling his belly and helping his mood return. After he’d eaten, Spike had planned on going back to his room and reading some comics, or perhaps playing on his HayStation 4 (a generous gift from his friend Sunset Shimmer, along with Twilight’s help getting it working in Equestria), and maybe rubbing one or two out. The full renaissance bit, really. Sadly, his day of self… indulgence… was not to be.
Celestia and Luna had turned up at the castle, a rare surprise given Celestia’s overwhelming duties during the day, and Luna’s usual schedule of sleeping through the day. They had taken him to the Ponyville spa, a relaxing treat that seemed entirely unnecessary given his earlier bath. Luna had caused a slight stir amongst the staff when she had said she would pay them well if they could give Spike a “joyous finale” as she put it. Spike was a little uncomfortable as she had asked, but not as uncomfortable as Bulk Biceps had looked as Aloe and Lotus’ eyes lit up at the number of bits profered.
Spike’s worry skyrocketed when Cadence and Shining Armor, sans normal retinue of guards, had arrived at the spa to pick him up as Celestia and Luna escorted a very excitable Flurry Heart back to the castle. The fake smiles plastered on Cadence and Shining Armor’s faces gave way to somewhat genuine, and very much lewd grins, as they arrived at their destination.
A strip club.
Spike stared in shock as Cadence stood in front of the building. He had never even known that Ponyville had a strip club, though he was uncertain how he could have ever missed it. Bright pink neon signs bore telltale signs, such as “Hot Fillies” and “XXX”. Shining Armor groused as he hoofed over his and Spike’s entry fee to the attendant, Cadence giggling like a schoolgirl as she skipped past the “Girl’s enter free” sign behind the bouncer.
“Umm, Cadence…” Spike spoke.
“Yes Spike?”
“Should we… I mean, should you really be seen at a place like this?” Spike asked as they stepped through the door. “I mean, what would ponies think?”
“Oh don’t fret your head about that, Spike, we’re here to have fun,” Cadence giggled. “Plus, I’ve booked out the entire venue, no pony will know we’re here.”
As they entered the darkened room, Spike looked around and noticed stallions everywhere, spotted around the room, gathered around the mares dancing on stage or at tables while mares danced for them.
The venue most certainly did not look booked out as Cadence had pupported. It looked like a regular day for the strip club, or at least what Spike assumed was a regular day for the club. It looked positively packed.
As he stared around the club, a certain crystalline hue became apparent in the stallions around the club.
Oh, he thought to himself. So this is where Cadence’s guards were.
“Princess Cadence in da house!” the pink alicorn beside him shouted. “Who’s ready to make it rain?”
Shining Armor smirked as his wife cantered down to the center stage, shoulder-checking the stallions in her way to get front and center. The dragoness twirling on the pole in front of her shrugged, then continued her routine.
“Let’s get ourselves a drink, then find a seat.”
Ж
Shining Armor and Spike sat at a corner table next to the only non-crystal pony patron in the joint. Flash Sentry sat at complete attention, though not the same kind of attention his fellow guards were sitting at.
“Flash, seriously, everything is fine,” Shining sighed at the stallion next to him. “You have permission to enjoy yourself.”
“Thank you sir,” Flash Sentry barked. “But as Captain of Her Majesty’s guard, I must remain vigilant at all times. Any number of these ponies could be a potential bad actor.”
“Flash, Cadence and I have personally vetted every single one of the ponies, yaks, dragons and hippogryphs performing here today.” He winked at Spike, then whispered. “Personally. Vigorously. And every night over the span of about six weeks.”
Spike blushed. Wow.
“Princess of Love,” Shining Armor sighed with a grin on his face. “I have the best wife, ever!
“So, Spike,” Shining said, turning his attention to the dragon, “if Corporal Boring here isn’t going to have any fun, why don’t we get you a private dance?”
Before Spike could respond, Shining Armor signaled a crystal pony over to their table, nodding towards the dragon.
“Hey there, Mr Brave and Glorious,” a crystalline mare said as she sauntered up to Spike. “Care for a private dance?”
Swallowing hard, Spike nodded and followed the mare out back to the private booths.
“Remember, Spike,” Shining Armor called out, “We’ve paid for everything.”
Ж
A very flushed Spike returned to the table ten minutes later. Despite Shining Armor’s insistence that they had paid for everything, along with the crystal pony’s insistence that she’d be happy to do anything the twice saviour of her homeland wanted, he had opted for a dance only. Admittedly, it was a very “claws on” dance, but it was just a dance. Or five.
Returning to the table, Spike found that Shining Armor was missing. Looking around, he couldn’t see Cadence either.
“If you’re looking for their Majesties, they are…” Flash Sentry sighed. “Princess Cadence took Shining Armor for a private dance, not long after you left.”
“Oh.”
Spike sat down at the table, and ordered another drink when one of the girls trotted by. He sat in awkward silence with the pony he only-kinda-knew-by-way-of-doppelganger.
They continued to sit there until Cadence and Shining returned. Cadence had a foreboding glint in her eye as they approached with a young dri in tow.
“Captain Stick-In-His-Ass,” Cadence chirped. “My husband tells me that you have not been enjoying yourself.”
“It is my duty to protect their Majesties, your Majesty,” he replied stiffly.
“Oh horse-shit,” Cadence replied. “I can literally see the lust pouring out of your repressed heart. Go have some fun, that’s an order.”
“An… an order?” Flash Sentry asked. “So, I would have to follow that order. I would not be shirking my duties if I was following an order.”
Cadence nodded with a predatory grin on her face.
“Then, Your Majesty, I shall follow your orders to the letter!” he shouted, jumping to his hooves and following the young dri to the back rooms.
“Yona smash pony-college debts!” the young dri yelled.
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9162052
Noooooooooooooooo! Well, I dedicate the bad pun in chapter 2 to you, my mojoless friend.
I'm sure you'll know it when you see it.
Woo, go Spike!
... waaaaitaminute, I know this set up! They’re trying to get him to lower his guard so they can marinate him in a giant pot and have a delicious and healthy breakfast!
Or, no, that... no, that’s from Piranha Women of the Avocado Jungle of Death....
9162069
Is that the latest Daring Do fanfic?
9162091
Oh no, my friend. It is even more magical than friendship.
... Didn't Spike mention in the previous chapter that Shining Armor and Cadence had divorced? Or was that just a temporary thing?
9162567
Separated, though I might have forgotten to mention that it was temporary. Will have to go back and check that.
Why do I get the feeling Rarity got married to some stallion.
9162650
in the last couple months, every single story invloving the royal couple has had them divorced, and never for any discernable reason. I don't get it, are they an unpopular couple?
9163005
Shining Armor is in the way of shipping Cadance with Spike/the pony OC/the human OC. That's pretty much it. Authors need Cadance for the harem fantasies, and her being married would make adding her problematic, so they have her divorced to avoid any issues.
Well... didn't expect Yona to be there...
It's a bride!!!
lmao
Hooooly shit. This is something special.
i.giphy.com/media/5xtDartpELLnXKkhytW/200w.webp
Ahem
Perhaps put a spoiler section on poo jokes...
I am somehow not fond of reading that kinda stuff.
In general, 50% is a bit much to read about bathing. Graceful moved past that :)