Pinkie Pie's Speed-Dating Service
Subtitle: Background character-stravaganza!
Twilight briefly looked up from her desk when she heard the sound of a door being slammed. Or trying to be slammed, at least. It actually just floated closed with a defeated squeak.
Twilight was, naturally, a smart pony, and even if the field of romance did not come naturally to her, she could tell what had happened from Spike's expression. If he had been any more crushed, he'd have been roadkill.
"So it didn't go very well?" she asked, trying to be nice.
"Twilight," said Spike gruffly, "remember what you did when I asked you about your date with Octavia?"
Twilight looked away, abashed. "I threw a book at you."
"You threw the entire encyclopedia set at me."
"I was in a bad mood," murmured Twilight, studying her hooves with interest.
"Maybe that's how I feel right now," growled Spike as he trundled into the kitchen. He returned with a gallon of ice cream, muttered something about "freezing his sorrows", and headed up to his bed.
Twilight had tried to stop him, but he had been so dead set on asking Rarity out that it eventually seemed futile. He had to find out the hard way.
And by the looks of it, that way was harder than diamonds.
About twenty minutes later, the door swung open, but this time, it was a much more optimistic swing. Any readers who are experts in door-opening psychology will be able to tell right away that it is Pinkie Pie who has opened the door, and they would be correct.
The pink mare bounced into the room, grabbed Twilight, and bounced out. This happened so quickly that they were approximately halfway across Ponyville before Twilight realized that the green surface beneath her was not, in fact, the complete works of Starswirl the Bearded.
"Pink-ie-what's-go-ing-on?" Twilight gasped.
"It's a surprise!" said Pinkie brightly.
By the time Twilight had processed this, they were already at Sugarcube Corner. The two were moving so fast that Twilight failed to notice a banner adorned with hearts and an extremely familiar face.
However, Twilight did notice the large crowd of ponies inside, and that they all seemed to perk up when Twilight went by. In a flash, Pinkie whisked Twilight up the stairs, and plopped her down at a table.
"Pinkie! What's going on? Why did you take me here? What's with all those ponies-"
"SURPRISE!" shouted Pinkie.
"Huh?"
"Welcome to Pinkie Pie's Speed-dating Service!"
"Oh no." The realization set in like a ton of bricks. "Nononono-"
"I heard you couldn't get a date, so I put up some posters saying that anypony who wanted a date for Hearts and Hooves day should come here!"
"Pinkie, I really don't think this is a good idea."
Pinkie paused momentarily. "But of course it's a good idea! There are tons of ponies down there! Statisically, one of them has to be a perfect match for you!"
Twilight was too stunned by the fact that Pinkie had used the word "statistically" to say anything.
"No, let's practice," said Pinkie, taking a seat at the table. "Hi, I'm Pinkie!"
Twilight rolled her eyes and said, "Hi, Pinkie."
The next instant, Pinkie had grabbed Twilight and had started making out with her.
"MMMMPHHHHH!" said Twilg\ight, which roughly translates to "Pinkie, what are you doing? This is most abnormal! Put me down this instant!"
Luckily, after about thirty seconds, Pinkie finally had to come up for air. Even more luckily, neither of the Cakes had been around during that time. Twilight attempted to speak, but could only gasp. Pinkie prepared for another go-round, but Twilight was able to stop her.
"Pinkie, what huff in the name of Celestia huff was that?"
"Practice!" said Pinkie. "That's how it works, isn't it?"
"I don't think so," said Twilight. "I think it's more along the lines of getting to know the pony. The kissing comes later."
Pinkie blinked. "Oh! Okay. Well, you obviously know a lot more about this than I do! NEXT!"
She disappeared down the steps, leaving the protesting Twilight all alone.
Twilight stared at the blue unicorn mare sitting across from her. She had an hourglass cutie mark and a dark blue mane with a white streak in it. She was beaming at Twilight.
"Hello," the mare said pleasantly.
"Hi," said Twilight, trying to recall the mare's name. "It's . . . Colgate, isn't it?"
The mare's smile rapidly turned into a scowl.
"It's Minuette!" she growled. "My name is Minuette! I conduct the Canterlot Orchestra! Never get a wrong rhythm! But does anypony care? No! They just see the stupid white streak in my mane, and call me Colgate! Like the freaking toothpaste!"
Her eyes were tearing up. "I. Hate. That. Name!"
She dashed back down the stairs.
Not a very good start, Twilight mused. "Um, next?"
Twilight blinked her eyes repeatedly to make sure she wasn't seeing double. She wasn't, obviously, but then the absence of a mustache on one of the stallions should have tipped her off already.
"So . . . there are two of you?" Twilight asked.
"That's right," said Flim and Flam simultaneously.
"That's a bit . . . odd," said Twilight.
"Well, we're a package deal!" said Flam. "Two for the price of one!" added Flim.
"Just think about it," Flam continued. "The odds of us missing a date are cut in half, at least! You'll have constant romantic companionship! And, best of all-"
He whispered something in Twilight's ear, while Flim grinned at her.
"Ew ew ew! No!" spluttered Twilight. "NEXT!"
Twilight was pleasantly surprised to see a familiar, friendly face arrive.
"Hey Derpy," Twilight said, smiling. "You're looking for a date?"
"Hiya Twilight!" exclaimed Derpy, one eye focused on the purple unicorn, the other on the wall. "I just read the poster and saw that you needed a date, so I wanted to be your date and make you happy!"
"Why, that's very kind of you-" Twilight was cut off by the sound of a chair breaking. Looking down, she found Derpy sprawled on the floor.
"Oh dear, let me help you-"
"I'm okay," insisted Derpy. She struggled back up to her feet and retrieved something from her bag.
"I brought you muffins!" she said proudly. "I made 'em myself!" She plopped the tray onto the table with a loud clang, and baked pastries flew everywhere.
Twilight snagged one off the floor, and noticed that it had probably been improved from the addition of dirt and hair.
"Um, Derpy," she said, trying to be kind, "it's really nice of you to offer to be my date, but you don't have to do that. I'm sure I can find somepony for the gala who I like."
Derpy frowned. "You mean you don't like me?"
"Not in that way, Derpy," Twilight said gently.
Derpy got up and slowly plodded down the stairs, sniffling.
"Next?"
The next pony was one who quite clearly looked down upon Twilight. Not that she condescended her in any way, she was just so tall that she towered several hands over Twilight.
"Princess Luna? What are you doing here?"
"Same as everypony else, I suppose," she said. "I want to be your date!"
Although this was the logical conclusion, it still caught Twilight off guard. "You? Want to date me?"
Luna sighed. 'It's terribly lonely, being stuck on the moon, all by yourself with nopony to talk to. I need somepony to love!"
Twilight was speechless. After several moments, she gathered her thoughts together enough to be able to say, "But- you're a goddess! You're immortal!"
Luna bent down and looked deep into Twilight's eyes. "'Tis of no matter! I will still cherish you for every night of your life!"
"But- but I'm your sister's protege!" Twilight squeaked.
Luna grabbed Twilight and lifted her into the air. "We do not need her! Let us elope together!" Luna's eyes appeared to have a maniacal glint. "We shall found a new, greater country, you and I! We shall rule together as Princesses OF THE NIGHT!"
Luna paused abruptly. The maniacal glint drained from her eyes. She set Twilight down, and stared at the floor. "Sorry. I got a bit carried away."
"Happens to the best of us," Twilight said, shaking slightly.
"So do you-"
"No thanks."
"Figures. Farewell, Twilight Sparkle." The purple alicorn trudged back down the stairs.
The yellow earth pony sat down across from Twilight with a goofy smile on his face. "Howdy, Twilight."
"Hello, Braeburn! What brings you to these parts?"
"Why, Applejack needed some help gettin' that caterin' order done, so I came from APPPAAAALLOOOOSSSAAAA-"
The table went flying, and Twilight with it.
"Aw shucks, ah'm so sorry," Braeburn said as he helped Twilight back to her feet. "Ah 'spose Ah've just ruined my chances?"
"No offense, but yeah," said Twilight.
"Gee, you're picky, Twilight," said Pinkie, peeking over the bannister. "There's only one pony left down here!"
"Probably the one pony left in Equestria who'd be willing to date me," Twilight groaned. "Let's just hope that it's not a complete jerk."
From the bottom of the steps, an all-too-familiar snapped impatiently, "Will you hurry up? The GREAT and POWERFUL Trrrrixie does NOT like to be kept waiting!"
Twilight's eyes widened in alarm. "Is Braeburn still here?"
Poor Spike. And Twilight. And everypony who got rejected by Twilight.
The Tally:
Number of Times Twilight Has been Kissed: 2
Number of Ponies She Has Kissed: 1
Number of Times Twilight Wanted To Be Kissed: 0
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lol Pinkie got her again.
Just pointing out that that should be correct rather than corrected.
Otherwise, hilarious as usual
Damn, I've added a lot of stories to, " Read Later," today. But when all of the featured stories look so good, it's hard not to.
If your going to have heartbreak, add a sad or tragedy tag.
1023236, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!! Now we have Pinkie dancing to Party Rock Anthem, Twilight putting logic on DISCORD, Dash hitting Mach 15, rarity refining gems, and Fluttershy regrowing bones and limbs.
Aww... How could she say no to Derpy? It's like kicking a puppy.
I was actually expecting Luna to be the one haha, it was a funny scene thoough :P
HOW DARE SHE REJECTS THE LEGENDAY MAILMARE KNOWN AS DERPY HOOVES SHE SHALL SUFFER BY THE HOOVES (or in my case claws) OF ALL DERPY FANS!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm sorry but I completely lost it when Trixie and the Flim and Flam brothers appeared, I was laughing so hard, no joke ahhh....made my day. And poor Spike, talk about getting your heart ripped out of your chest, this is why I despise Spike/Rarity romance, it clearly shows in the show multpie times that she does not want to be with him and he keeps pouring out his heart only to get turned away, do you know how many Spilight's I can make with just three or four epidoes? And he does not even have to be a baby drgaon, you can make him older you know.
As for the story once again, for some reason I was wonderin if Gilda would show up, I love the villians of MLP, they aree awesome, funny and bad ass as buck...and DERPYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!! Onto the next one!
Ah Luna, my favorite goddess of all time
Also, I think you meant heads, not hands.
Geez Twilight don't be so picky, lower your expections, you'll never get a date to the gala if you keep this up!
I tihnk I know what one of the Flim Flam brothers whispered into her ear. Silly them
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
On another note, poor Colgate! ;_; I didn't know her hair even looked--I mean, I've never looked at it that way before. What has been seen cannot be unseen
Twilight just take Spike... little dude could use some cheering up... It ain't like he would mind much.
Twists and turns.I'm a little annoyed we didn't get to read the conversation between Spike and Rarity though. I have a suspicion certain things will change around and everyone will end up with a different date.
The score card at the bottom made me lose it
alright now its one thing to turn derpy down twi, another to make her CRY, well at least it wasn't flutters or the author would be gettin hatemail from a lotta pissed off bronyies/pegasisters
flimflam part was as hilarious as r34 flimflam bros could bedl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Twilight_Sparkle_lolface.png
braeburn was funny as usual, although i dont really ever see him in fics, i wonder whydl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_future.png
pinky part seemed a tad foreshadowing (mayhaps?)dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Pinkie_loool.png
and this up and coming part with trixie will bedl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_crazy_invert.png !!!
Rarity's rejection of Spike happened offscreen? We were anticipating that, you silly author! But since the focus of the story is ponies (and dragons are by no means ponies, or even mammals), I guess I can see that.
What has me confused, though, is why the heck Pinkie Pie didn't bring Twilight and Spike to her speed-dating service. Did she not get the news that he was just as crushed (of not more), or does she feel that Twilight's feelings are simply more important than his (like too many people seem to)?
As a Twixie AND Twinkie shipper, this fic pleases me. Oh I hope Twi goes with Trix, it will be amusing watching that one crash and burn. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Discord.png
Braeburn and Twilight could work; I think that it could work well under some circumstances.
Twilight has had chronic attacks by a face-shark. A bright-pink, bubbly, mildly insane and absolutely hilarious face-shark.
"Princess Luna? What are you doing here?"
I simply could not stop laughing. Where do you come up with this?