Caffeine Pills Are Not a Substitute For Sleep

by Super Trampoline

Chapter 1

Rainbow Dash was really tired because she took too many caffeine pills and stayed up all night. She had been trying to write My Tiny Gecko fanfiction, but just ended up masturbating a bunch. Stimulants tended to have that effect on her. Unfortunately, regardless of her tiredness, she still had Wonderbolt duties to attend to, whatever those were. Probably cleaning the locker rooms and kissing Spitfire's ass or something, I don't know what goes on in largely ceremonial military units. Anyway she made it through the day, but wasn't able to fall asleep until fairly late at night thanks to the caffeine still coursing through her system. She learned her lesson though.

A few days later, she saw her therapist. She told him about her desire to write My Tiny Gecko stories, countered by her unending procrastination when it came to doing the actual writing. Rainbow hated how she worked harder than anypony when it came to physical activities, but completely clammed up when it came time to write. She hated having so many ideas and no desire to do anything with them.

Her therapist, Doctor Mind O'Matter, suggested she try to just write one hundred words a day of any story she liked. They talked about other things too, mostly relating to depression.

That night, Rainbow Dash grabbed her trusty old mechanical typewriter and sat down at her desk. Her mission was simple: a hundred words of My Tiny Gecko fanfiction. How hard could that be?

She began typing:

"One day Sergeant Sammy Serpent attacked Fort Flanders with his troops, hoping to drive out the Iguanas. Disaster struck though: The iguanas had mined the area around the fort, and its star-shaped layout based on 19th century fort building theory meant that his snakes were caught in constant crossfire. Between the mines and the bullets, only half his snakes reached the outer walls of the fort, and none breached it. Most of his unit was wiped out, with a casualty rate of nearly 70%. It was a massacre. Sergeant Sammy Serpent faced intense scrutiny from his superiors and was court martialed for throwing his snakes into the maws of death without a plan."

And just like that, Rainbow had written over one hundred words. Now that wasn't so bad, was it? Sure the story was stupid, but one had to start somewhere.

A few days later, Rainbow Dash went to sleep at like 9:50 at night and woke up at like 9:20, getting almost eleven hours of sleep.

At this point, Cloudsdale exploded.

Yes it's true, Cloudsdale exploded.

Blame copycat terrorists. They saw what happened in Peaceable Kingdom and wanted to spread fear. They were anarchists, and not the good kind who squat in buildings singing songs about rent or plant renegade community gardens. These were the kinds of anarchists fond of bombs.

So anyway, Six bombs went off all over Cloudsdale, and it killed 57 ponies. Fuck man, heavy stuff. Fifty seven ponies are never going to take another breath because some assholes with a murder boner decided society needed some fucking up.

Geeze, this story got awful maudlin. I think that's the right word. Lemme check. Eh, close enough.

So Rainbow Dash and the rest of the Wonderbolts were called in to help clean up the mess. The good news is that clouds make crappy shrapnel, so there weren't as many deaths as there would have been in say, Canterlot. Still, the whole thing really sucked.

So Rainbow really needed therapy after that. Have you ever seen part of an arm just sitting there on a cloud? No? It fucks you up. Trust me. Not because I have, mind you. I'm sheltered as fuck. I've lived a charmed life, and I'm paranoid one day the other shoe's going to drop and I'll end up with a rare brain cancer or get hit by a car while riding my bike (I ride my bicycle a lot) or something bad like that. But enough about me.

Rainbow Dash went and saw her therapist at the regular time of Monday at 2pm, and she spent most of the time just crying. She hadn't really cried previously about the whole disaster, rather keeping it all bottled up like she usually did. Like Starlight used to literally do with her anger. Remember that episode? It had this super catchy song:

Anyway, Rainbow Dash got some mild PTSD from the whole thing. I really can't imagine being part of the recovery process, much less being a victim in the initial attack.

Let's move on from this, shall we.

A few weeks later, Rainbow Dash wrote another hundred words of My Tiny Gecko fanfiction, this time about how Lieutenant Boggy Socks was recovering in the sick bay after an IED nearly turned his face to mush. Not happy stuff. She probably was influenced by her experiences. Aren't we all influenced by our experiences?

Rainbow Dash had trouble sleeping in the coming months, and started taking ambien to help her sleep. However, she was one of those ponies with the rare side effect of sleep eating, and so she started to put on weight. So she started taking caffeine pills again to cut down on how much she was eating during the day. But then she needed more ambien to help her sleep. It was a vicious cycle. At least she's alive though. Isn't that something most of us can say? We are alive, and should make the most of every day. Be like Rainbow Dash and strive for your goals and pursue your dreams. Who knows, you just might end up in the Wonderbolts. Well, probably not. But you might achieve something else, and that's pretty cool. Not as cool as Rainbow Dash though. She's cooler than cool. She's Ice Cold.

And what of Sergeant Sammy Serpent? Well, he was dishonorably discharged from the snake army for his actions, and he ended up a homeless veteran. Now there's a tragedy if I've ever seen one.

Author's Note:

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

Uh, Tramp? You doing okay?

[Super Trampoline]

9155942
Same as it ever was.

[Zaten the Changeling]

Hmmm...
This looks interesting.
Time to read something short before I finally catch up with the current Sol in The Maretian!

[Super Trampoline]

9155996
Hope you enjoy disappointment.

[Lack of Tact]

I fucking feel it.

[Ma Zedong]

This is the most I've probably ever sympathized with Dash in a story.

[Zaten the Changeling]

A few days later, she saw her therapist. She told him about her desire to write My Tiny Gecko stories, countered by her unending procrastination when it came to doing the actual writing. Rainbow hated how she worked harder than anypony when it came to physical activities, but completely clammed up when it came time to write. She hated having so many ideas and no desire to do anything with them.

Oh my god I'm almost exactly the same only I don't do any sort of physical stuff.

[Zaten the Changeling]

9156017
HA WELL I COMPLETELY FAILED IN MY ONE JOB TO READ THIS STORY so now i'm doing it

[Super Trampoline]

9333810
Good on you.

[Zaten the Changeling]

9334001
Yes, and now I'm reading that story you linked in the middle of this one.

[Spritzkrieg]

It's as if a tumor grew into art.

[Super Trampoline]

9566927
P much

[Wir sind verloren]

Exclamation: THIS UNIT STRONGLY DISAGREES!

[Bandy]

I'm such a sucker for good tone. This story's tone could best be described as "too much caffeine." It's frenetic, it's jittery, it's meta, and it's exactly how I feel when it's late and I drank too much coffee. Thanks for sharing it!

[Super Trampoline]

10116737
I'm glad you enjoyed it! How'd you pick this story out of all the ones I've written, might I ask?

[Bandy]

10117445
I'm a huge fan of your meta writing. It's some of the funniest stuff on fimfic, no lie. I thought this story would be similar to those, but it hit in a different kind of way. Your style is so free-wheeling and fun, even when heavy stuff comes up you approach it with delicate irreverence. It's just so fun to read!

[Super Trampoline]

10118352
Wow, extremely high praise, thank you! Have you read this one?:

EAre We Not All Trash Doves, Eating From the Garbage Can of Life?

• MLP: FiM
• Comedy
• Random
• Slice of Life

Trash Doves invade Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle is annoyed, Fluttershy is ambivalent, and everyone learns the slightly depressing yet also uplifting philosophy behind Pinkie Pie's party proclivities

• Fluttershy
• Twilight
• Pinkie
• Other
• Main 6

Super Trampoline · 1.4k words  ·  47  7 · 1.3k views

[Bandy]

10118734
I haven't but the title makes me assume I'm gonna love it. I'll check it out!