• Member Since 5th Jul, 2016
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Boltstrike58


Just a guy who found out that a show about talking ponies is a lot better than I expected.

T
Source

Sunset Shimmer, Twilight Sparkle, and their friend group are newly equipped with magical super powers, and have certainly proven themselves when it comes to magic threats. But something is rotten in Canterlot City, and criminals have now attracted their attention. Now, the girls must find a way to use their abilities to protect people from a threat far closer to home. Of course, such a task is not without risks...


(Cover art by WubcakeVA)

Chapters (10)
Comments ( 45 )

Nice picture of Tempest, not perfect but nice.
I'm still thinking about reading it or not, since I have a tiny problem with how or why they are able to transform in the human world. Lately the show and the movies aren't only including good things into the show.

He'd assumed Verko would come to collect his debt personally, given how much the guy personally hounded him. Instead, he found himself face-to-face with a young woman, who couldn't be older than her early twenties. His skin was a dark purplish-red, perhaps orchid, and her spiky hair was a rose red. Her intense eyes were a shade of teal, with a prominent scar over her left. She wore a simple black T-shirt, on which a logo of two turquoise horns was inscribed, and blue jeans. Her right sleeve hung limply at her side, with little limb to support it.

Very well described except one minor detail you his except her skin.

You have my attention. I liked your other work, so let's see where this goes. Having him be a crime boss rather than just starting him with overt magic (though who's so say if that will change) was a bold move, but I like it.

9195160
To be honest, having him as just a normal crime boss seemed natural to me.

9195175
Like I said, I enjoy it. I kinda miss having more of the normal crime bosses versus the heroes. In Batman: TAS, I always liked seeing guys like Falcone as a contrast to guys like the Joker.

Okay, now this is an interesting story. Love seeing more of the movie characters (especially Storm King, he gets way too little love on this site), and in the Equestria Girls universe no less! Also, so far, everyone fits perfectly in their assigned roles, and it will be exciting to see the Equestria Girls go from fighting over the top magical girl villains to a more realistic mob boss and his enforcers.

I saw the title, clicked, and was immediately disappointed it wasn't a crossover :twilightblush:

You humanize the non-human characters well.

As the three passed through the trees, several men began to creep into their view, taking notice of them. They all turned their heads, focusing on the girls, their eyes never losing track of their targets as they walked. Two had skin in a brilliant shade of green, with larger, more muscular builds. One was a paler green, and appeared to have some sort of metal cast on his nose. One was fatter and round, and unlike his comrades, focused more on whatever mush he was eating than the intruders in their territory. All of them, even the man with the cast, had rather pointed noses, almost like beaks. They all wore brown long coats, with a logo of a skull and crossbones on the back, except the skull seemed to be from a bird. Black bandanas covered their hair.

vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/8/8a/Parrot_pirates_standing_confidently_MLPTM.png/revision/latest?cb=20180115044311&format=original

Yeah, pretty solid description...except Lix Spittle, the pink one who was a bit heavier than the others...is clearly a woman, not a guy.

Other than that, I got to say that this story is getting exciting!

9209935
Whoopa. Been a while since I saw the movie. I'll fix that.

Interesting. Yeah. That's the word. An "interesting development."

She's not wrong.

9228189
Understatement of the friggin' century, am I right?

9228202
Storm King: "Is it a good interesting or a bad interesting, Tempest, because, let me tell you, I have had a day.
Tempest: "It's a bunch of superheroes, sir."
Storm King: *inhales* "That would be bad."

9228207
I like to imagine Tempest says that, and on the other end, she just hears glass breaking and swearing, and she's like "Whelp. Here we go again."

So much action, I love it!

However, with the girls having already shown their hand so soon, I'm guessing it's only gonna be a matter of time before Storm and his goons figure out alternative ways to handle them.

Ever since Legend of Everfree came out I've been waiting for a story that had the Equestria Girls take on bad guys with their powers, and this chapter certainly didn't disappoint in that regard. Also good to see more Storm King in fanfics. I swear that guy had way too little screentime in the movie.

"Well, we can definitely nail Verko on extortion charges," he said, once his little sister had picked up the phone, "That 'anonymous tip' you gave me isn't a legal problem. The bad news is he's not willing to talk. Neither are any of the foot soldiers. That, or their too stupid to realize what we're talking about. Whoever this Storm King guy is, he's apparently really good at installing fear in his subordinates."

*Grammar Nazi breaks down the door* THEY'RE NOT THEIR! *Grammar Nazi breaks down a different door to leave*

Ominous Storm King promising weapons is Ominous. He has a lot of stage presence here. I like it.

9237701
God dammit, how did I miss that? I added that during the editing process for Pete's sake.

9237767
In the grim and dark 21st century, there are only edits.

In all seriousness, I can read through my own work literally over twenty times and still miss typos and grammar mistakes. The problem is that our brains autocorrect because we wrote it and we know what it's supposed to say. Happens to the best of us.

Well...I guess we can't expect our heroes to win every battle now, can we?

Comment posted by Flufux deleted Nov 14th, 2018

Now this chapter was pretty damn brutal. Looking forward to see how they get out of this mess.

"See, that's a lie," retorted Storm King, "You cost me my protection racket, along with a shitload of money. Not to mention you put Verko, and a handful of my guys in the slammer. You wanna know how that makes me feel?" He moved closer to Twilight, standing close to her to the point where their noses were almost touching. Then he backhanded her across the face. "ANGRY! PISSED OFF! IRRITATED!" Twilight grunted as she took the blow, but there seemed to be no real damage.

So Storm King's channelling Ghirahim now? I mean that was way too similar to his "Do you have any idea how that made me feel inside? FURIOUS! OUTRAGED! SICK WITH ANGER!" line to be a coincidence, right? Or maybe I'm just reading too much into this.

9292674
Believe it or not, I wasn't actually trying to reference Ghirahim with that. I wasn't even thinking about it.

9293197
Okay then, but that was where my mind went anyhow.

And this, kids, is why you don't keep your captives weapons in the same room as them.

That's not a criticism of the writer, by the way. Real-world villains make far more egregious errors for stupider reasons than arrogance, and he had no reason to think this would go badly for him (at least, not from his utterly amoral perspective). The scene felt on-point.

So...is this the final battle? Because it kinda seems like it. Not that it wasn't epic, I mean Tempest vs Storm King in a good old fist fight is pretty awesome no matter how you slice it, but I just didn't expect it to show up so soon.

My one criticism about it was...well...Grubber. I know he wasn't a popular guy in the movie, but he honestly felt a bit flanderised here, and given how he basically sees Tempest as his only friend and role model, plus him being described in official media as a good guy in the wrong crowd, it is very jarring to see him still siding with the Storm King after he threatened to kill Tempest for refusing to murder a bunch of teenagers. Also, him trying to hurt Fluttershy with a knife is just...just...I just can't see him ever doing that.

9299354
Originally that wasn't going to happen, but the idea of Tempest beating up everybody in the warehouse was too much.

9299383
Yeah, it would have undercut the Storm King too much.

9305248
A character from the Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword.

And now they have the taste for the life. There's no going back now. Enjoyable as expected.

Next up: Cozy Glow steals nuclear launch codes!

9305586
Eh. Maybe.
9308402
OH MY GOD. :rainbowlaugh: If I were a better writer, that would totally be the sequel.

9299379
Yeah, this wasn't gonna be a long story. Grubber...to be honest, I wasn't sure how to handle him in this story. He doesn't get much development in the movie, outside of being the comic relief bad guy. Though, I admit, maybe making him pull a knife on Fluttershy was a little harsh.

This was a good story and it was really nice to read. The finale was very nicely written and I hope for nothing but the best for this redemption :D

9299354
Best real world example of this that I know of likely can be found on Youtube in a dumb criminals video. Guy robs a convenience store with a shotgun. When the clerk offers him the cash drawer, he sets the gun on the counter to take it. You can guess what happens next.

"It's called compassion, try it sometime," Twilight snarked, "Come on, Capper, we just want to help you."

WE NEED MORE OF THIS. Snarky Twilight? I LIKEY

"So, we've all had time to think over our problem," said Fluttershy, taking the lead once more. Sunset had to admit, that impressed her. "Now, let's all discuss this in a polite, civilized manner."

U r bringing out the different parts of the personalities of the group that the show really didn't cover much. I like it.

This is so cool! :pinkiegasp:
I was literally hyped while reading this!

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