Origin: Magic

TOrigin: Cupcakes
MLP: FiM
Dark
Horror
Tragedy
You already know how magic is made in Equestria, then what about cupcakes?
Gore
Violence
Death
Pinkie
Mrs. Cake
Twinkleshine
SeleneMizutani · 2k words · 3 9 · 711 views

Twilight Sparkle has always been weak, in the past, in the present and in the future. She only managed to get into Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns because of that Sonic Rainboom Rainbow Dash made.
She needs power, and she needs it fast.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 4 )

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WannaFlugelHorn

WannaFlugelHorn #1 · Aug 29th, 2018 · · ·

Spike opened the door of the dining hall, expecting to see his master eating, or reading in the hall.

PLEASE CHANGE THE WORD 'MASTER'! IT MAKES SPIKE SOUND LIKE A SLAVE OR SOMETHING!

He said to himself, “This gem is good! But...why do I feel so tired?”

The room suddenly became blurry and out of focus, as it started spinning.

Spike choked, “What...What was in those gems…”

He swayed on the spot and fell on the ground, unconscious.

How I Would Put It:

"This gem is so good! I'll have to remember to thank Twilight!" Spike started to reach for another as his mind went foggy.

"Wh . . . What's going on?"

The room became blurry and out of focus as it began wobbling, and Spike stumbled to the ground, terrified. He watched his limbs collapse as he went unconscious. (IF I WERE HIM, I WOULDN'T ASSUME THAT SOMETHING WAS IN THE JEWELS, BUT THAT'S MY OPINION)

His surroundings changed, he wasn’t in the dining hall, but in a small, dark chamber with stone walls, hanging with knives, swords, daggers, whips, etc.

An (etc.) seems a little informal for such a horrific situation, and the comma after 'His surroundings changed' should be a ';'. Add the word 'had' between surroundings and changed.

Magic, the most powerful but harmful substance ever known in Equestria,

Often powerful thing are harmful. Use 'and' instead of 'but'.

Spike shuddered, “Why are you doing this to others, to me? No, I won’t give you my soul.”

Take away that last sentence, of course he won't give Twilight his soul! It sound weird if written, and makes more sense if implied.

Spike, being a clever dragon, instantly knew what Twilight was up to, struggled against the metal cuffs with the remaining strength he still had.

You don't need to be clever to figure that out.

Spike shrieked in pain, the spikes were really sharp and it was extremely painful.

Change one of these words.

She had carved the words: Faithful assistant, loyal till his end on his skin, and drew a picture of her and Spike standing together, smiling happily.

But the quote between two ( ' )s.

No one was able to overtake her, except Star Swirl, but he almost perished in the progress.
Magic, is unlimited, and ponies from the Pegasi and Earth Pony tribe has researched methods far and wide to obtain magical powers.

Needs another line between the paragraphs.

I'D LOVE TO BECOME YOUR EDITOR!