I like cheese... And cake. Mmm... Cheese-cake.
Sunset and Caballeron are looking for Sleipnir's horseshoes, said to grant the users access to anywhere in any realm, even Tartarus itself. The only thing standing in the way of getting them is their own temptation...
This is a submission for Sunset Shipping Contest: Journeys. I hope it goes over well...
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Well, this is an...unusual pairing. Though I'm fairly certain the real Caballeron would have betrayed her without a second thought.
How did the two of them hook up, anyway?
9144072
Eh, blame bad writing for his OOCness.
Instead of going through the mirror to try and get more power, Sunset instead found an article detailing a need for adventurers to find some all-powerful trinket or another which she discovered actually existed and decided to join up with Caballeron. One adventure led to another, with her being one of the only stable employees of his, and yada yada yada, it ends up here.
If you ask me about what happens next, Daring Do manages to stop them from ruling Equestria by teaming up with Auizotl or somebody.
That was very silly. In a good way
The adventure part was well realised. The temptations and challenges were nicely done, very true to the genre that Caballeron is from.
But I felt like I would have liked a bit more characterisation. Especially of Sunset Shimmer: because it wasn't especially clear how evil/outlaw/villainous she was meant to be here. In the Equestria Girls universe there are usually clear cues from context whether she's good or evil; but in an alternate history where she ends up hunting treasures with Caballeron, all the usual cues don't apply. It was hard to tell whether they're villains {who care about each other}, or heroes {who still have an edge to them}.
From your reply to Ri2 I take it that they're meant to be a team of villains? I think that could be done well, and could be pretty compelling in fact. But we might need a bit more moments at the early stages for the characterisation to shine through, showing that Sunset Shimmer is a villain here {even a sympathetic one}, rather than {say} Caballeron being reformed into an archaeologist, or whatever.
Nonetheless, it was a fun fic and it's clear you had fun writing it, so have a thumbs up!
9144352
It's comments like this that make me realize how much I have to learn about writing stories. Thanks!
Yeah, I was really just rushing this for the last five or so days to get it out, so the characterization is way off. I didn't even clearly state the motives for them wanting this specific relic. Sorry...
Yeah, they're still evil, Caballeron and Sunset still want power and money and stuff. Sunset also REALLY wants to rub said power in Celestia's face. Who knows, I might turn this into a full-fledged story eventually.
Funny that you used a Pinkie Emote... Did you catch the cameo?
I wish Daring Do had actually shown up (probably shouldn't have her in the character tags), but I appreciate the original pairing and the interesting puzzles. :)
This has been an enjoyable read with a nice flow to it. As others before have said, you could have done a bit better in terms of characterization of Sunset and Caballeron, though to be honest, I think focusing more on their relationship rather than their (non)villainousness would be the key. That’d make the ending far stronger and realistic. Your grammar and spelling were mostly solid as well with some rough bumps here and there, but they didn’t really hinder the readability of the text. A trained eye could spot the recurring issues in punctuation placement in direct speech and the capitalisation of dialogue tags, but to be frank, the ordinary audience on this site don’t care much for such minor issues. (It’s still nice to get it right though. If you want, I can go into a more detailed explanation.)
Anyway, thank you for this read, it still made me smile and laugh here and there. And, if you ever decide to turn this into a longer piece, I’ll make sure to give it a read
10223552
Wait, people like what I write? ...I’m not sure whether that’s a dream come true or a nightmare made real. Now I have... Responsibility.
Thanks for saying that you like it, though, and yeah, I made this WAY before I knew enough about writing. I honestly forgot it existed, for the most part. My brain flows more towards “This happens because of that” but not the hows and whys for it, so I don’t write things as smoothly or elegantly as others do.
10223621
Well, you can always say that you welcome any readers aboard, though at their own risk—thus, zero responsibility for you. Seriously though, this story’s far from being the best, but it’s about three times farther from being the worst. There’s no need to be so surprised, I only give praise where it’s due.
And, I tend to dig around for older stories, mostly. Sorry about the unexpected notification
10223636
Nah, it’s good, it’s been a fun conversation.