He Was Number One

by Acoustic Pulse

Ponyville

Author's Note:

Randomness. Lyra and Golden Harvest battle to see who has the biggest dick in the pissing match.
Pinkie's just being Pinkie, Maud's being Maud, Rainbow's being Rainbow, and Rotten Core is overthinking everything because that's what Rotten Core does.

Lyra jumped up, puffing her chest out proudly, "HENCEFORTH, YOU SHALL BE KNOWN AS... CARROT. TOP."

Star Wars reference for those who don't get it:

Full Steam continued his steady pace, slowly descending the mountain. He was almost to the bottom of it. Rotten Core and the remaining passengers remained seated, discussing the party that Pinkie Pie had mentioned earlier.

"It's gonna be great! We're gonna have cake, balloons, candy, cupcakes, streamers, my PARTY CANNON, it's gonna be so fun! I hope you're all as excited about it as I am," Pinkie Pie was jumping for joy.

Maud sat silently for a moment, collecting her thoughts, "I'm not good with parties, but spending time with my sister will be worth it."

"Aww, Maud, you're the best sister a mare could ask for," Pinkie smiled.

"I try," Maud shrugged.

"You really don't have to go through all this trouble for me, Pinkie. It means a lot that you would even consider doing this, but it isn't necessary," Rotten Core remained modest.

"Of course it's necessary, I'm a party pony, it's my job. Ain't no party like a Pinkie Pie party cuz the Pinkie party just don't stop," she sang.

"Well, if this is what you want to do, then don't let me stop you. I wouldn't want to kill your vibe," Rotten gave in to the mare's antics.

"I dunno what you're acting so worried about, her parties are always fun," Rainbow shook her head.

"I'm not worried about anything, I've just never had anypony throw a party for me. I don't know how to react to it," Rotten clarified.

"Oh, that's sad. I throw parties for everypony! You're gonna love it in Ponyville, the friendliest town in Equestria," Pinkie Pie was still ecstatic. Her energy was limitless.

"I wish they bottled and sold your energy, Pinkie Pie," Rotten Core laughed.

"If they did, it'd have a lot of sugar!" Pinkie giggled.

"I wouldn't doubt it," Rainbow stifled a laugh.

---

Lyra and Golden Harvest sat quietly. Golden had forgiven Lyra for the 'you don't even have friends' comment, but she hadn't forgotten about it. The mare was thinking of some way to get back at her, but she wasn't quite sure what it was going to be.

You bucked with the wrong one, Lyra Heartstrings. You're gonna get what's coming to you, she thought to herself.

Lyra noticed she was staring at her, a menacing grin on her face, "Do you like what you see?"

Golden Harvest shook her head, this was the perfect opportunity to clap back, "No, Lyra, I don't. You look like one of those soaps that they put in the bathrooms to make the toilets smell better."

Lyra laughed, "It took you this long to think of a comeback? I said you had no friends, I didn't know you had no imagination either."

Golden Harvest was fuming. Lyra thought she saw fire in her eyes, "You look like pistachio ice cream, nopony likes pistachio ice cream."

"You look like the type of mare to sit on a book and read a chair," Lyra laughed.

Golden Harvest couldn't help but laugh at that one, "What does that even mean?"

Lyra chuckled, shrugging, "I have no idea. For real tho, you're a total jackass. You make Cranky Doodle Donkey look like Celesita's nephew.

"What was his name again? Blueberry? Bluebiscuit? Blueballs?" Golden Harvest was at a loss.

"Blueblood, genius," Lyra laughed. Blueberry, that was actually funny."

"Hey, let's trash talk all the royals!" Golden Harvest suggested.

"Are you admitting defeat?" Lyra raised an eyebrow.

Golden Harvest rolled her eyes, "Yeah, whatever, I propose a truce."

Lyra nodded, "Truce. Wait, did you say Blueballs?"

Golden Harvest nodded, "Yeah, I thought that his cutiemark was like little toy balls or something. Like the bouncy ones that you throw and fly all over the place?"

Lyra laughed, "No, it's like a compass rose. Are you mad? You and I both know how that could've been misinterpreted."

"NO, I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT! Also, what does that even have to do with blood?" Golden Harvest asked, cringing at herself for not making that connection sooner.

"I dunno, roses are red, blood is red, and part of his cutie mark is blue. Blue blood?" Lyra took a wild guess.

"Maybe it's because his coat is so pale that you can see his veins?" Golden Harvest shrugged.

"That makes sense, actually," Lyra concurred.

"You remember that time at the Grand Galloping Gala when he was with Rarity and he treated her like absolute trash?" Golden Harvest laughed, thinking about it.

"Oh yeah, he's a total lowlife. Sad excuse for somepony who's supposed to be royalty," Lyra joked.

"Y'know, I think I'm starting to hate you a little less," Golden Harvest jokingly patted Lyra on the shoulder.

"Well, the feeling is mutual, Carrot Top!" Lyra smiled.

"Did you just call me Carrot Top?" Golden Harvest raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, your mane is orange and it's on top of your head. Carrots are orange, so Carrot Top," Lyra explained.

"I actually like that, carrots are my go-to crop, after all," Golden Harvest smiled.

Lyra jumped up, puffing her chest out proudly, "HENCEFORTH, YOU SHALL BE KNOWN AS... CARROT. TOP."

"Is that a Star Ponies reference?" Golden Harvest giggled.

"YES! I'm so glad you got it! You're not as bad as I thought you were," Lyra replied.

"I think the same can be said about you as well," Golden Harvest agreed.

---

Rainbow Dash sat, watching the bipolar ponies have a go at each other and then at some random Prince from Celestia knows where, and then instantly become friends over an obscure movie reference.

They've got some serious issues, she thought.

Pinkie Pie smiled, "Look at them settling their differences, that's just great. I'm proud of them!"

Rotten Core shrugged, "Here I was thinking I was the one with problems."

Maud laughed, which was surprising because she hardly ever laughs, "I know. I'm glad I have Boulder, he'll never betray me."

She hugged her pet rock, "Isn't that right?"

An awkward silence ensued, as if they expected the rock to respond. After hearing nothing, they continued on with their respective conversations.

---

The train came to a stop. Everypony on board the train looked outside to see the Town Hall.

Pinkie Pie gasped, "We're home!"

Lyra and Golden Harvest rose from their seats. The passenger door opened and they both exited.

"RC, me and Rainbow are gonna start planning that party! She's not as fun as I am, but she's way cooler, like at least 20%," Pinkie informed him.

Rainbow Dash nodded, "Yeah, I--HEY," she scowled at Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie laughed and they exited the train, headed toward Sugarcube Corner. Maud put Boulder safely in her saddlebag and hurried to catch up to her sister.

Rotten Core was left alone on the train. He went up to the front to speak with Full Steam for what would possibly be the last time.

---

Full Steam turned when he heard the door open. He smiled when he saw his sidekick enter the cab, "It's been a wild ride, partner. I'm sorry to say that this is the end of the line. I enjoyed every minute of it though, you made this trip a lot more interesting."

Rotten Core smiled, "I wanted to thank you once again for letting me tag along. Being a conductor was fun. Getting to know all the passengers onboard was great too."

Full Steam nodded, his smile growing wider, "You were a very good conductor, one of the best I've ever worked with. It was truly a pleasure."

Rotten Core extended his hoof, "I suppose this is goodbye then, my friend."

Full Steam shook his hoof, "Good luck in your final endeavors, Rotten Core, and Celestia-speed."

"You know, in another life, I think I would've pursued a career in this field. Having you as a battle buddy made things easier to cope with," Rotten Core retorted.

Full Steam laughed, "Hey, chill, you're gonna make me cry, man. Get on out of here, go find your cousin!"

Rotten Core nodded, "Right. Goodbye, Full Steam, and thank you."

Full Steam waved, "Goodbye."

Rotten Core exited the train. The door closed behind him. He watched as the train pulled out of the station, heading back to Canterlot. He waited for the train to disappear around a bend. He then turned to see what this town had to offer upon his not-so-triumphant return.

End of Chapter 9!

Comments

[Even Evil Has Standards]

9223512
I didn't even realize that was intentional.

[Acoustic Pulse]

9237581
It was a double reference. To the song that became a meme and to spongebob because that entire show is a meme. It's a meme fic with a depressing twist, except I'm running out of ideas of how I'm going to wrap this thing up.