Tales of Interest!

by Pascoite

Oats

Spike trotted up to Rarity and watched in awe as she ran her fingers through her mane. He thought about it for a moment, but was able to force suspension of disbelief that she even had fingers.

Once the heart shapes had faded from his eyes, Spike shook the fog out of his mind and worked up his courage. "Would you mind... joining me for a drink, Lady Rarity?" He stared up at her while twiddling his thumbs.

She glanced over his shoulder at the Element of Generosity hanging in a display case on her jewelry chest. "...Things you have to do to wear that stupid thing," she muttered through a clenched jaw, then flashed a wooden smile. "Just let me get my scarf."

While Rarity was occupied momentarily with her neckwear, Spike let his eyes wander toward her chest. He couldn't remember if this was one of those stories where she had boobs or not, and where they might—

He shuddered violently for a moment. "Ugh. Crotchboobs." Jerking his gaze back up to her mane, lest he find an answer he couldn't handle, he offered her an arm.

Rarity looked back and forth between the proffered claw and his face a few times. "I appreciate the gesture, but I'm a quadruped, dear. I need all four legs to walk."

Spike facepalmed. Whipping up another chivalrous gesture, he opened the door for her and gave a sweeping bow. He jogged double-time through the knee-deep snow to keep up with her. When they arrived at the cafe, he pulled a seat out for her and ordered a pair of hot chocolates. As he scratched at his chin to divine some topic of conversation, he noticed Fluttershy at the next table.

Fluttershy had a tall glass of sugar water for her entourage of butterflies. She was cowering behind her chair while making occasional attempts to approach the seapony at the leather-covered banquette against the wall. Yeah, leather. They killed a cow. It was a rat bastard, if that helps.

Spike couldn't help but stare at the seapony, too. How did it even get in the restaurant? That big tank of water, with no wheels or cart. And what does a seapony drink, anyway?

"Um..." Fluttershy stammered. "I..." she uttered haltingly before ducking behind her chair again. "If... if you..." she finally offered extemporaneously toward the oceanic equine. "Eep."

Spike relaxed a bit in his chair. That was the proper type of dialogue for Fluttershy. Everything felt right. He failed to see the dark shape coalescing outside the window.

"Cryssstalsssss!"

Shoving himself back from the table, Spike rushed to the door and flung it open. "Look!" he shouted, waving a claw around at the snow piled along the sidewalk. "That's bucking crystallized water! It was all over the place up north, too." Spike kicked a few flakes at Sombra. "Knock yourself out."

"Black... Cryssstalsssss!"

Spike rolled his eyes and grabbed a menu off the table nearest the door. He breathed fire on it, and the resulting green smoke flew off toward Canterlot. Standing there scowling for a moment, he finally stepped outside and broke a dead twig off a tree.

"Dude, 'buck?' Is that like profanity, or what? I'm never sure," Sombra growled.

"Hold on. I forgot that paper works that way." A minute later, he finally felt the familiar pang of nausea in the pit of his stomach. He belched up an elegant scroll, which read "Two slices of cake to go, please." Taking a deep breath, Spike flamed the twig, leaving a charred stub. He then stirred it in the snow, leaving a blackened pile of flakes. "There. Is that all?"

"Cryssstalsssss?"

Spike slammed the door on his way back in. From across the room, he saw Rarity's eyes light up, but she was looking past him.

"Now, don't be rude to our guest, Spikey-Wikey." Her gaze shot around the room, finally alighting on Fluttershy's sugar water. "Here. Blow your flame breath on that."

Spike shrugged, then obliged, leaving a crust of sugar behind in the bottom of the glass.

"Cryssstalsssss!"

"And that!" Rarity shouted, pointing at the seapony's tank.

"You bitch," the hapless aquatic organism mouthed.

Spike shot his flame into the tank as well, which left the interior coated with salt.

"Cryssstalsssss!"

"See, Kingy Wingy?" Rarity wheedled. "He's perfect for you. He can create all the crystals you like." She turned to face Spike, adding, "And can't you see how much he needs you?"

Spike, who, due to strange dragon aging patterns, was actually quite old and legit to use for shipping, shrugged again. He kissed Sombra, and they were totally in love already.

Rarity slipped away. Good, she thought to herself and three other ponies. I need to get back to practicing for the Wonderbolts. No, wait—that's somepony else.

Comments

[DreadedCandiru2]

Oh......I get it......"Oatmeal = crazy."

[nemryn]

wat.

[Solitair]

Man that's a bad trip.

[PresentPerfect]

That was a thing, yeah. c.c

[Admiral Biscuit]

Well that was a thing that happened.

[Godslittleprincess]

I know this was written bad on purpose, but this story makes me want to face-table.