• Published 26th Aug 2018
  • 746 Views, 15 Comments

When he Comes Knocking - Waxworks



After a bedtime story, Applejack confronts a terrible spook named Mr. Mean. When she drives him off, he visits her friends, who don't have her knowledge of the fiend. Can they drive him off?

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I'm Mr. Mean!

Fluttershy hadn’t fallen asleep when the knock came to her door. She ignored it and hoped it would target somepony else, but the knocking traveled from the door to her room, to the closet. It came again and she still ignored it. Knock. Knock. It traveled under her bed, shaking it with its insistent pounding when she finally remembered what she was supposed to be doing. She clapped her hooves, quietly at first, then more insistently, but her voice was stuck in her throat. She breathed a wheezing gasp, but didn’t manage to laugh.

“You’re trying hard, I’m proud of you. It seems you know just what to do. But Applejack told you the rest? Unless you laugh, this bed’s my nest.”

“Hhhhhhhhah…” Fluttershy gasped out.

“Oh, what was that? What did I hear? A laugh somewhere behind that fear? Please try again, I want to know, if you’ll stay or if you’ll go.”

Fluttershy saw his hooked hoof crawl up the side of the bed, and what little she’d mustered choked in her throat. She couldn’t bring it up no matter how hard she tried, and the more scared she got, the less able she was.

“Oh, poor Fluttershy. She can’t make a sound. Too scared. What do you think, Rainbow Dash?” A rainbow mane popped up next to the bed. It was Rainbow Dash’s hair, but nothing else. Fluttershy heard her voice, but it sounded off.

“I think Fluttershy’s a little chicken-weed! Too scared to do anything good! Too scared to even laugh! Too scared to even scream for help! Too scared—” Rainbow Dash’s head, severed from its body, popped up next to the bed, jaw clattering up and down. “—to save herself!”

Fluttershy screamed as darkness enveloped her.

Down the hall, Pinkie Pie heard the noise and jumped out of bed. She went to the door and reached out for the handle, but didn’t open it. She’d been told to wait in bed, but Fluttershy needed help, and by Celestia, Pinkie would be the one to help! She opened the door, and darkness met her. Two starry eyes were in the darkness, staring out at her.

“Oh… hello.”

“You didn’t even let me knock. How rude.”

Pinkie sat down on her haunches and clapped her hooves together. “Hah! Hah! Hah!”

Immediately, the eyes fell over and Mr. Mean groaned, like he’d been shot in the chest. “Oh! You’ve hurt me! Your laughter caused me pain! What shall I do when clouds are gone? Will I never see the rain?”

Pinkie looked at him curiously but clapped her hooves again. “Hah! Hah! Hah!”

Mr. Mean fell over, tumbling past Pinkie Pie into the room, clutching at the floor with the hooks on his horseshoes. His mane and coat were whipped by invisible wind, unfelt by Pinkie. He scrabbled at the floor as the darkness threatened to suck him in.

Pinkie just kept laughing and clapping her hooves, watching him to make sure he was properly disappearing. When he didn’t go anywhere, just sat there with the wind whipping at him, her laughter started to falter. It wasn’t until he looked over at her and smiled with his nail teeth that she realized something was wrong.

“Hah… ha?” Pinkie chuckled out, half-heartedly.

“You realize now that the game’s had a change. With Applejack gone, o’er the town I can range.” He pulled himself up, the invisible wind gone. His limp hair covered his face with only his starry eyes and shining teeth visible. He reached out slowly for Pinkie with one hoof, his wicked horseshoe glinting. “Now come to the dark, we can play there for sure. We’ll have fun, I can promise, for darkness is pure.” Pinkie backed away, but his hoof extended, stretching to follow her as she shuffled away into the room.

“You need to stop! This isn’t fun!”

“What’s fun for the goose can be fun for the gander, unless, ‘course, the fellow cannot even stand her.” He smiled, twisting the stretched hoof through the air to follow her. “Are you saying you can’t stand me, Pinkie Pie?”

She shook her head, awkwardly laughing as she clapped her hooves in desperation. “I really can’t! This isn’t fun! I don’t like this and I don’t like you!”

“I’m hurt and offended! Maybe if I were to show you!” His hoof whipped around the room, growing and twisting, it twined around her, wrapping her up in a tight and terrible grip. He walked into the darkness outside the door, dragging her with him. She could only choke and gasp for air in his tight grip before she disappeared into it with him.

Rarity heard a knock and immediately clapped her hooves and laughed. She winced as her broken hoof felt a twinge during her clap, but she forced herself to continue.

“Haha! Haha! Haha! Take that, you mangy beast and get gone!”

When she stopped, there was silence for a while until she laid down and tried to relax, then the knock came again. She clapped her hooves and laughed.

“Haha! Haha! Haha! I’m not doing this, so clear off! The game is over!”

The knocking became louder and moved into her closet. The door cracked open and a familiar pink maned draped out of it.

“Flutter…shy?” Rarity asked hesitantly.

“Oh, it’s her, alright, but not quite the same. Her laughter was weak and her clapping so tame. I took her to my place, where we’ve had some fun. The poor girl’s lonely, don’t you want to come?”

“I certainly do not!” Rarity said vehemently. “I clapped, I laughed. Now go, and give Fluttershy back!”

The mane in the closet fell to the floor with a heavy thud, then was dragged back into the dark. The knocking went from her closet to under her bed, and Rarity felt it shake.

“What are you doing! Stop this at once!”

“You got away once, but never again. I played a small game, but it got boring then. Come with me my dear, to my home, where I live! I’ve so many present to you for to give!”

Her bed shook, rattled, then tilted up. She clung to the bedding, but the steeper it got, the harder it was to hold on, especially with a broken hoof. Under the foot of the bed was a deep, dark hole, yawning and waiting for her. She clung on for dear life, but her one hoof wasn’t enough. As the blankets and sheets went down, Rarity went with them, falling into it with a plaintive cry.

Mr. Mean laughed.

Twilight waited in bed, awake, and aware with her hooves close together, ready to clap. When the knock came, almost instantly after she heard the first one, she was clapping and laughing. But the knock was insistent. It wasn’t just two this time, it was a pounding, repeated knocking.

“Twilight, help!” Spike yelled from outside.

Wary of a trick, Twilight opened the door from a distance with her magic. She watched as Spike was sucked into darkness, then immediately replaced by Mr. Mean. His ragged coat looked oily and wet, the same with his mane as it hung off his head. His horseshoes, hooked and wicked, looked darker than normal and he left hoofprints on the floor. Wet hoofprints.

“Hello, Twilight,” Mr. Mean said.

Twilight clapped and laughed. When she saw it did no good, she stopped, then lit her horn and stood on her bed. “The game’s different. What have you done with Spike, and Rainbow Dash?”

“Killed them. Rainbow is bad at games. Spike is… probably hurt, but not dead.”

“Give them back!” She fired a beam of light at Mr. Mean, but it struck him and spread off, doing nothing.

“That’s not how the game works, sorry, old bean. You can’t win with magic, not ‘gainst Mr. Mean. The rules are set, and the players are clear. Until at the end, your vict’rie’s not near.”

“Then what are the rules? How does the game work?”

“I set it all up with a friend, someone close. But once she joined in, well… the game became gross. By jumping in with you, she ruined it all. By helping, she lost, them’s the rules. You fall.”

“No,” Twilight said as horror crossed her face.

“Yeeeeeeees.” Mr. Mean grew in size, filling the room. Twilight put up a shield, but it was no use against Mr. Mean. She was gone.

Applejack sat in her room with her head in her hooves. Her mind was filled with terrible thoughts and she couldn’t get rid of them. The only one that brought her any comfort was the one that was repeated time and time again: My family is safe.

Mr. Mean had cornered her with her honesty. She was a terrible liar. Mr. Mean knew that from their time together, and she knew as soon as Twilight showed up at her door that the game was over. She hadn’t expected Twilight to have a copy of her book. She hadn’t ever gone to the library and looked for it. In hindsight, she should have, but it was all over now. She’d lost.

But at least her family was safe.

That was the important part, right?

A polite knock came at the door to her room in the crystal castle. She didn’t say anything, but it opened and Mr. Mean came out. He swaggered up to the bedside, looking oily. He didn’t smile.

“You played the game, you lost, it’s true. But what else can I possibly do? Your family’s safe, and so are you. But now the game is finally through.”

“Just go. At least let me sleep. You can do that much for me.”

He backed away, nodding. The closet door opened by itself and he bowed as he slipped inside. She turned to look at him, catching his eye, and he finally smiled his wicked, sparkling smile.

“The most scared that they’ve ever been, they know the name of Mr. Mean.” He laughed, and as the closet door closed and the fading knock left the room, his laugh echoing in the halls was all that was left for Applejack, alone in the castle.

Comments ( 10 )

Wow, this has only been published three minutes ago. i’m first.

I feel like this might be more scary if a few things were different. I'm intending this as constructive criticism, and absolutely don't think this is a bad story and concept overall. Also these are obviously just my opinions. I could be completely wrong to someone else who reads this. Enjoyment is subjective to the reader, after all.
1) Mr. Mean is kind of a villain sue. His powers really aren't defined all that well, and the only rule that we're given about him, the one about the laughter, he breaks. So we're left with a kind of confusing villain who we really don't understand well enough. I get wanting to be mysterious with a villain, but generally it has a purpose and a payoff. And with him at first having weaknesses in light and laughter, then out of nowhere being able to outmanuever Rainbow Dash, overpower Twilight, and catch Pinkie, a pony who can literally reassemble herself from severed pieces, it takes any charm the villain had and exchanges it for what felt like kind of an unearned win for him. While leaving the villain's powers and limits mostly ambiguous might work for creatures like Slenderman or the Rake, who lean towards being force-of-nature villains, Mr. Mean is described as some kind of evil spirit who used to be a pony, who has specific strengths and weaknesses. Then out of nowhere his weaknesses are gone. It's kind of hinted at in one or two lines that it's because Applejack broke their agreement, but it's still out of nowhere and isn't foreshadowed at all, leaving Mr. Mean feeling less like a powerful and mysterious villain, and more just a confusing character who was just there to be the cause for gore and blood.
2) The Mane Six felt REALLY out of character. Twilight trying to overpower Mr. Mean with magic instead of trying to outsmart him, Rainbow outright refusing a challenge when she fights giant, presumably meat eating monsters on a regular basis, Applejack not telling ANYONE that this was happening, and Pinkie, who has literally laughed in the face of Nightmare Moon and Discord, creatures literally capable of ending the world, immediately becoming so terrified that she just forgets to try laughter in the first place. Don't just change the personalities of the characters to fit what you want to happen in the story. Think of how they'd realistically react with their personality and history.
3) Towards the end, it relies a little to heavily on gore, and doesn't leave very much to the imagination. This is one thing that MAJORLY hurt Mr. Mean's scariness factor. We get all this buildup to him finally catching someone, and he kind of just kills them. That's it. Not very ambiguous, nor is there really much hinting that he does much more. I guess maybe the thing with Fluttershy? But it really didn't seem that way to me. If it was, it was honestly a little too subtle. With the best movie and story monsters, they may be mysterious but the stakes are either made very clear or left open to interpretation. The Rake might tear you apart, Slenderman might drive you insane. Or on the other end of the spectrum, things like the Midnight Man or the Man in the Fields only have the things they might do described a very small amount, but the rest is left up to the reader to fill in the blanks, but with some small amount of evidence to hint at what's in those blanks, being dragged to hell or having your head taken. This takes kind of an awkward middle ground; his straight up murder is kind of a letdown after all the talk he gave about murdering for souls, and it feels like you tried to hint at something else, but there's not really enough evidence to let the reader form any kind of conclusion as to what that something else might be. How much scarier would it have been if we either never saw Dash again, except for just a little bit of blood or rainbow hair in or around the closet she was sucked into, or if the group slowly noticed that some of them went missing, instead of them being outright shown getting caught one by one? I'm not trying to tell you to do what those other stories did. I'm just trying to use them as examples to help explain why this aspect doesn't really work.
4) Mr. Mean really isn't given any kind of motivation. Sure, Applejack broke the rules of his game, but why is that important to him? Does he value promises? Does the game fuel his powers somehow? Is he just kind of a jerk who wants to slaughter him some Technicolor ponies? Again, we're given enough of his character for him to be a fairly known quantity, but we're given both too much and too little. We're given enough to make us want to know more about him, then we're never given any more. Again, I feel like this could have been better if he'd leaned one way over the other, either being mostly ambiguous like, say, the Rake, that way his entire character is mysterious and he's an implaceable force of nature, or if his motives had been explained at least a little bit, like say Pennywise from Stephen King's It, who is stated to feed on fear. We know what he does, but not why he's doing it. It leaves the whole story feeling pretty flat. The downer ending felt completely pointless because of that. There was no emotional impact. It felt less like I'd just read a horror story in which the villain killed off the protagonists, and more like I was reading about an unfortunate car wreck in the newspaper. Yeah it sucks, but why should I be sad about it? It feels like a random series of events that just happened out of nowhere.
5) The pacing felt rushed. There wasn't much foreshadowing. Applejack's book somehow being in Twilight's library is never explained. Did Mr. Mean put it there to tease her, or did Applejack publish it? Then at the ending, after all the talk about how laughter drives him off, that weakness suddenly vanishes with no real explanation and we're taken to the ending out of nowhere.
Anyway, like I said, I think the concept was cool, and you do have a talent for writing tension and suspense. This is purely intended as constructive criticism. Use it if you like, if not, feel free to ignore it. I'm not so cocky as to think my word is gospel. All I can do is say what would have helped me enjoy tbe story better.

9133542
I appreciate the criticism. I believe some of it you are correct about, as Mr. Mean was developing while I was writing some of this. My pony fiction is kind of a springboard for other ideas and doesn't get a lot of editing on the side, so you're right about some things, but I'll explain my thought processes.

1. Mr. Mean has defined powers, though a lot may not make sense till the end. Applejack ruined their game by breaking the rules first, so he gets to break the rules. That's at the end, after everyone else is gone, when he explains that. That's why some of his powers seem inconsistent. It wasn't until Applejack joined the others that he was able to do any of it. He had the weakness to light, but then it's gone after Applejack joins in.
2. This one I disagree with. Twilight did try to outsmart him. She did her research immediately. She found a clue, and she followed up on it. Applejack couldn't tell anypony, that's explained at the end. Pinkie Pie, however, is a touchy subject. She didn't react to being scared with laughter because she wasn't scared. She thought it was the babies playing games again. When she found out it wasn't, it wasn't just something ghostly because it was physically touching her and her bed. You can't just give her reality-bending abilities to fight, because she doesn't do that in the show. She might grab a unicorn and fire them like a machine gun, or she'll always be next to you when you're running, but she doesn't fight back by teleporting. Most of the ponies don't acknowledge what she does outright, so we're left to assume that what she does is confusing, but within the rules of most other ponies. I had her react how a normal pony would, once she finds out something is attacking her in her bedroom.
3. Number three is a "your mileage may vary", you're right. Mr. Mean has his way with them, unstoppable and terrible. I'm not a fan of violence myself, but he only does it visibly to Rainbow Dash, and then, only to drive home the point that he's winning. I feel like the others should be nebulous enough to wonder what happens.
4. Mr. Mean's motivation was the game. I figure that was explained enough throughout the story, at the beginning, and in the middle and the end. I don't explain any larger purpose to the game, but the boogeyman doesn't have any larger motivation to take away small children. He wants to play a game, and this was all a game to him. What other reason does he need?
5. I could have drawn it out, sure, but I didn't feel a need. Applejack's book in Twilight's library was explained as "Twilight has a library, Applejack really did publish this book, and her library has it because Twilight likes books." I figured that was made clear enough.

It's possible the intent behind most of the plot wasn't as clear as I thought it was, which is possible. I am a biased reader of it, after all. But I feel most of it is explained, and, as you said yourself, a case of mileage may vary. I appreciate you taking the time to explain what you didn't like, and I thank you for it. That's always helpful. So thank you, and I hope this clears up some of your complaints.

9133686
It does answer some of my questions, and you do make some very good points. ^_^

So...what happened to the Mane 6 and Spike?

9254481
All gone to play the games you've seen, they've gone to play with Mr. Mean.

Hmm, I rather like this one. Depressing ending, but you handled the cat-and-mouse sections quite well.

Mr. Mean, he's not so nice, he takes our ponies only to return them slice by slice.
Even in bandages Rarity insist on looking absolutely fab and if Twilight could she'd haul Mr. Mean down to her secret lab.
i must say that Angel Bunny's actions truly rocked, oh, and poor Rainbow, but hey, Mr. Mean gets angry when he's mocked.
If Spike had wings, then, where was little Ms. Starlight? Oh, wait, I know, she was out somewhere flying a kite.
But wait, I still remember that old Simpsons' episode and to do such a thing in the dark is rather creepy or so I've been told.

The writing for the mane six seems pretty OOC, who starts a conversation with a raspy voice in your closet before peacing out in hurry?

:fluttershysad: Why couldn't they have survived? There could have been a way.

Can we hope for an alternate good ending?

Does Applejack know all her friends are dead? Are they dead?

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