• Member Since 1st Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen May 23rd, 2013

fsujs


Currently a college student and brony, Forever a follower of Jesus. I enjoy creative writing, but have never had a good outlet for it, until I found MLP. will add more later.

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Planned and written within 6 days for iBrony's first ever fanfic contest, this fast paced, relatively well crafted piece follows Fluttershy as she desperately tries to help Zecora after her escape from the Everfree Forest leaves her in even worse condition than if she had stayed. Now it's up to Fluttershy to overcome her fears and venture deep within the woods to find the only thing that can save her friend.

Requirements of the contest were as follows:
Submissions must be written as if it could realistically be an actual episode
(Me specific)
-Born in November: main character = Fluttershy
-Date of the birth between 24th - 31st: season = Winter
-Between the age of 17 - 21: guest character = Zecora
-Color of your hair: Brown = Mystery or Adventure genre
-First letter of your name I-L: main focus of your plot = Treasure

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 3 )

This is interesting. While I don't know the circumstances of the contest, and it's hard to write something multi-chaptered in six days, this could have easily been a wonderful (multi-part) epic. The pace seemed overly speedy and you didn't give enough time for each event. Now, besides that, here's a few things I saw.

One, using the same sentence beginning over and over. Here are some examples:

She didn’t really keep a strict schedule...
She was definitely behind though.
She had skipped lunch just...

Fluttershy walked up...
Fluttershy descended the...
Fluttershy stopped when...

Now, it's fine to have multiple sentences starting with "she" or "Fluttershy", but the problem with these is that they were all in a row. Well, the first three had one sentence in between the last and second to last, but that didn't help much. The last three were the beginnings of three paragraphs in a row. I suggest varying your sentence beginnings a little more, and while purple prose is usually frowned upon, a "the mare" or "the pegasus" once in a while doesn't hurt.

Obvious grammatical errors were scattered around, and small ones were common, so I'd suggest getting a pre-reader and an editor. And while it's fine to just have that, running your work through a grammar checker before publication doesn't hurt.

Those are the main things I saw, the number one being story pace. I will give props to you for Zecora's dialogue, though. I know I could never pull off her always rhyming thing!
I liked this story though, and I think you have a lot of potential! Please keep writing, and just think about what I've said.:twilightsmile:

~kk

1062613 I'll update the bigger description box to include the details of the contest. Sorry if it seemed too fast, I don't like to park on one event for three pages, but with how fast I had to grind this out in between college assignments, this did get pretty rushed. Unfortunately that is probably what caused a bunch of things like repetitiveness and errors; I did reread this for typos and such before originally submitting to the contest, but unfortunately I didn't have enough time to go over it with a fine toothed comb like I normally do and I haven't felt like doing it since.

Great little story, but a little fast paced. Maybe you could add a little more in between when she left her cottage and when she reached the castle? But I liked it anyway :pinkiesmile:

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