On the Road to Friendship: The Realistic Version

by Nebbie

The Filthy and Stubborn Trixie

Trixie returned with branches in her mane and tail, scratches on her body, and a few large bite marks on her butt, to the campsite. She panicked as she didn't see her wagon anywhere. "Starlight! Where's the wagon?"

Starlight emerged from Hoo'far's wagon wearing the most splendid robe. "Oh, that old thing? That generous stallion traded his for it! Can you believe it?"

Trixie fell over and began to hyperventilate on the ground. "N-no I can't! Who said you could do that?!" she yelled squeakily.

Starlight continued to look smug. "I did! It'll solve all our problems."

Trixie began to cry. "Except that now I'm without my...my...my best friend!"

Starlight glared. "Oh, so that run-down old tiny wagon was your best friend? What was I, a fancy sidekick?"

"Well it never traded you away for a better pony, but maybe it should've! I was wrong to bring you!" yelled Trixie.

"Fine, I'm going home with this fancy caravan. Maybe I'll even do my own tricks, since I know how they work and I'm better at magic!" replied Starlight.

Trixie began to shake. "If that's how it is, so be it! The Great and Powerful Trixie will do fine without you!" she said as she grabbed her necessary magic supplies and marched off unsteadily.

---

Trixie didn't go far before she found her old wagon. She pounded on the door with all her might, and Hoo'far soon came out. "Oh, Miss Powerful, where is your spacious caravan and assistant? I had hoped you two would get along with a better means of transport. What brings you here without them?"

"I'm here to discuss your absolutely improper purchase of my wagon!" she replied.

"Oh, but you see, I provided a wagon of clearly better value, and I'm afraid you had left it with your assistant. She seemed to have the authority to sell it. A fair and legal trade, no?" he said eloquently as he stepped out to the front and hitched the wagon to his back.

Trixie followed, glaring at him as she put herself in the way. "You're not going anywhere until I get my wagon back."

He chuckled. "I can wait as long as it takes."

Trixie laid down and got comfy on the road.

After quite an awkward hour, Trixie's rear broke the silence with a small, squeaky fart. Hoo'far sipped some tea. "That reminds me..." He went to use the toilet, splashing clearly audible through the wagon's thin walls. He came out with the same annoyed expression as ever.

Trixie scoffed, sat up a little, and put on a sly grin. "I could hear you, you know. Perhaps you should give up the wagon to get some privacy."

"Miss Powerful, you are responsible for this lack of privacy, it is on you to get up. Speaking of which, won't you have to go to the bathroom eventually?"

Trixie smirked as telltale splashing could be heard coming from her, accompanied by a growing puddle around her legs. "Aaah."

"I...see..." replied the Saddle Arabian before sipping some tea with a slight look of disgust.

---

Starlight, meanwhile, ran into her fair share of trouble with one less pony on the way back. Eventually, after narrowly-avoiding a fiery death, she came across the two pegasi from earlier.

"Hey, it's you! Your song inspired us to go rafting together." said the purple one.

"Yeah, the journey is its own reward...especially when we're not delivering letters." said the other. The two went right into the water with smiles and cheers.

Starlight's heart was pretty much shot by a high-caliber bullet. She began racing back.

---

Back at Trixie, it had been well over a day and Hoo'far was setting up a teapot.

Trixie peed again, and then made a distressed face suddenly and sat up. "Um...Hoo'far..."

"Yes, oh Filthy and Stubborn Trixie?" he asked.

"I need to poop. Like, really badly..." she put on a grin and did her best dramatic Rarity impression. "...I think I'll need the toilet in there, or it'll be everywhere! And I simply couldn't stand to have you within earshot of my...embarrassing act!" she finished the reply with a hoof on her head to indicate how unbearable it'd be.

"Hmmph, nice try, but I think you'll do just fine behind a cactus. I will promise not to move the wagon while you do, as I must go myself anyways. This tea is apparently a laxative..." he replied.

Trixie grimaced and growled a little, then spoke with a grumble of disdain. "Very well, then." She got up and went to the nearest cactus she could see.

Hoo'far retreated into the wagon, abiding by his part of the deal.

Soon after, Starlight came along with the fancier wagon. She heard a plopping noise from within the wagon, but before she could investigate, noticed Trixie grunting and squatting with her rear hidden by a cactus, not far from the road. "Uh, Trixie, are you...?" she said with growing disgust on her face. She tried to look away, but couldn't resist out of morbid curiosity.

Trixie's final sputters and splashes were heard as her expression changed to a dopey look of relief. "Aaah...uh, yes! Could you stop staring? It's making me self-conscious..." She trotted back to in front of the wagon and laid down while Starlight dry-heaved.

Hoo'far stepped out and casually poured the freshly-brewed tea. "Beverage? You must be dehydrated after...that, Miss Stubborn." he said with a slight pang of disgust.

Trixie shook her head. "I'm not dying of thirst quite yet, dysentery takes a few days."

Starlight looked between the two, who both crossed their forehooves. "Okay, what's going on here?"

"Simply getting back what is rightfully mine. What do you care, wagon thief?" she said poignantly.

"I'm afraid that even this gross display has not convinced me to undo the trade, even though my caravan is now here." said Hoo'far.

Starlight stood close. "Trixie, I'm here to say sorry. I shouldn't've sold your wagon without permission. I thought it would solve our problems, but the real problem was that I lost sight of our friendship." She turned to Hoo'far. "Sir, that wagon belongs to my friend."

Hoo'far seemed skeptical. "How do I know you're really friends?"

Trixie huff-growled and grabbed Starlight into a hug. "We're friends, okay. Now can you give me my wagon?"

Hoo'far rubbed his chin. "Hmm..."

Starlight glared. "I just came back from a day and a half of traveling across fire geysers and crocodile-infested swamps and saw her pooping just to say sorry." She put her nose up to his. "Do you believe me, or do I have to break out a cheesy song on your pompous behind?"

Trixie teared up a little. "Aww, Starlight..."

Hoo'far's mouth was agape as he pondered his options. "Very well, I shall undo the trade. This wagon is not exactly the most comfortable anyways; how do you stand that toilet?"

"Well, for a start, you don't dump it on the road while parked like you just did...not that I smell much better." replied Trixie, making both other ponies sniff a bit, go wide-eyed, then cover their noses.

"Right...well, if you may take my advice, I recommend improving your friendship before coming to Saddle Arabia. They aren't prepared for...all this." He gestured to the wagon, then Trixie's dry urine puddle, then to Trixie herself.

"Trixie, when we get to some water, you are taking a bath...no offense." said Starlight.

"None taken." Trixie said.

They both chuckled as they hitched up on the wagon and got back on the road to Ponyville, as well as friendship, and making sure Trixie didn't die of dysentery/dehydration.

Comments

[superfun]

The weirdest part about the description is that outhouses were established as canon back in season 2, but that's the only time I think a bathroom has even been mentioned in that way, and it was with Pinkie.

[Nebbie]

9146964
In the original writeup I had for the description (too long-winded, had to rewrite) I pointed out the weirdness that the show only has ponies going to the bathroom specifically in Dodge City ("Party Pooped" had Cherry Jubilee exit an outhouse to run into Pinkie, presumably as a joke inspired by its very name).

[superfun]

9146998
I forgot about that one...
Either there's some kind of magic around the rest of Equestria that prevents them from having to actually use bathrooms like that (and it doesn't work on the trains), or there's a spell on Dodge Junction and the trains to and from that makes them need to use it...
At least, that's my new headcanon.

[Nebbie]

9147003
There was a toilet in Bon Bon's bathroom in her house in Three's a Crowd, when Discord removed most of the house.
I'm pretty sure we've at some point seen an outhouse on the Apple farm as well.

Neither have been shown used, however, and overall it's quite odd that ponies burp more than they excuse themselves to the bathroom in the show.

[superfun]

9147015
For all we know Discord altered the contents of the inside of the house for a gag

But yeah, it's definitely strange when you stop and think about it.

[Starlight Glimmer1]

9147027
I think the reason we don’t see it in the show, except in a couple of episodes, is because it wouldn’t really add anything to the plot of each episode.

Also, I’m sorry I have to be “that guy” but your headcanon doesn’t work. In Somepony to Watch Over Me Applejack points out the possibility that Applebloom could have to go to the bathroom and in Brotherhooves Social Applebloom uses having to go to the bathroom as an excuse to get away from Big Mac. There was also the scene in Baby Cakes where Mr. Cake changed the twins’ diapers and then Pinkie changes their diapers again in the same episode.

[Nebbie]

9147069
Ah yes, I'd briefly forgotten about the Cake twins. The only time the show has properly done a poop joke. It certainly did it well and appropriately.
Also, there was one time there should have been a toilet but wasn't: The Cutie Map, with the reeducation building. Not having it in a scene about an inhumane imprisonment scenario really raises some questions that a show for little girls shouldn't, relating to potential buildup of, shall we say, 'filth'.

[superfun]

9147069
I completely forgot about that
Well, it was a joke headcanon anyway

[Paloma]

Wow, a lot of dialog.

[Nebbie]

9147389
In most places in the fic, there's less dialog than the show had. Trixie's a big talker and both mares are full of sarcasm (among other things).

[Paloma]

9147972
Ah ok that makes more sense to me.

[Fluttercheer]

Now, I haven't read this fic (and probably won't, seeing how it is a fix fic), but I scrolled down to the comments and there are some things said here I just feel a pressing need to answer on, because they make me concerned a lot:

9146964

The weirdest part about the description is that outhouses were established as canon back in season 2, but that's the only time I think a bathroom has even been mentioned in that way, and it was with Pinkie.

9146998

I pointed out the weirdness that the show only has ponies going to the bathroom specifically in Dodge City

9147003

Either there's some kind of magic around the rest of Equestria that prevents them from having to actually use bathrooms like that (and it doesn't work on the trains), or there's a spell on Dodge Junction and the trains to and from that makes them need to use it...

9147015

Neither have been shown used, however, and overall it's quite odd that ponies burp more than they excuse themselves to the bathroom in the show.

So..... Okay. Don't get me wrong here, I have seen my fair share of bizarre thoughts/criticism about MLP: FiM or aimed at MLP: FiM, especially on EQD..... But I think I can safely say that this here is taking the cake and the most bizarre thing I ever saw someone saying about the show.
It's so bizarre that I have a hard time taking these thoughts serious, yet, they are presented here like you are very serious with these..... so I guess they are meant serious?
To make my confusion more clear, I have very big trouble with comprehending why anyone would even think about this or why anyone would seriously consider this a plothole.....
And my disbelief that such bizarre thoughts are really meant serious makes me, right now, only able to ask questions:

Do you really believe that something so insignificant, unimportant and boring like ponies using the bathroom needs to be seen on-screen, rather than it happening off-screen?

And, let's humor the thought that ponies using the bathroom or even just announcing to use the bathroom would be shown on-screen, do you two really believe that there is such a high chance that we would get to see that in episodes that show mere 22-minutes long snippets of ponies' lives and of which the vast majority are about events where everypony involved has bigger problems than worrying about a bathroom break?

And, most importantly, do you really and seriously believe that the fact we don't see any bathroom breaks on-screen is a reason to, again seriously, assume that Equestria has spells that alter their natural need of having to use the bathroom?

And, even though I don't know about you, but yes, I am serious with these questions. Because I have seen so many weird, strange or downright bizarre being said about the show by bronies, then reading these comments has genuinely disturbed me.

[Fluttercheer]

And about this:

9147086

Also, there was one time there should have been a toilet but wasn't: The Cutie Map, with the reeducation building. Not having it in a scene about an inhumane imprisonment scenario really raises some questions that a show for little girls shouldn't, relating to potential buildup of, shall we say, 'filth'.

Two misconceptions here:

1. An inhumane imprisonment scenario is exactly where you would expect that there isn't a toilet, for reasons that are obvious, so there's no surprise here.

2. It is not a little girl's show and it is neither a children's show. The very nature of the show, the themes, the settings, the scenarios, the depth, the lessons, the maturity and the darkness, especially your example, make very clear that it is anything but a show made with the intent to cater to children. And this is not even going into it yet how silly it is to classify it as a "show for girls" just because the main characters happen to be ponies.
In a show specifically aimed at children, there would not be an inhumane imprisonment scenario in the first place.

[superfun]

9157545
To answer your questions:
No, I don't seriously believe that stuff, but it's fun to come up with more outlandish explanations for things beyond "we don't see it because it's not necessary".

[Fluttercheer]

9157556

Good. There is still hope left for your mind. Because there really are many circumstances in Equestria that are a lot more realistic and interesting to seriously analyze and theorize about.

[superfun]

9157573
True, but I like joke analyzing the smaller, more inconsequential stuff more.

The only stuff I seriously try to figure out are when and how Scoots' would finally be able to fly on her own and who her parents really are (I know about her aunts, but they haven't appeared in the show yet, so they aren't fully canon to me yet).

[Nebbie]

9157550
The trouble is that the compound they were in was actually really fancy compared to most of the village, so having to replace the floor etc. because of prisoners going just anywhere would be a nightmare for Starlight.