• Member Since 15th Jan, 2016
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

TheAnimerican


I love anime. Hahaha. No real point in sharing anything else.

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Source

Button Mash hoped to catch up on his gaming, but game time was interrupted by a filly's cry. Curious, he went to see who the crying filly was. He was surprised to see that it was his fellow classmate, Sweetie Belle. In hopes to help her feel better, he presented her with a flower.

***

Credit for cover art goes to RazieFim.

Featured 11/10/18! Thank you all so much!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 24 )

3rd SweetieMash story in this month? Did this ship finally come back to life?

Aww! SweetieMash for life!

Hey Button. You need to catch up on your schoolwork, buddy. I can tell you from personal experience.

There are some mixed tenses in this.

School is out and all of the students are ready to head home. One little colt, in particular, was very excited.

See, the first sentence is present tense (something is happening) then it turns into past tense in the second one. (Something did happen.) You need to pick one of them and stick with it. The story is mostly written in the standard past tense, so you should go with that.

Over-all, your technique is very rough. Still, it's got heart and I think your storytelling and dialogue does show promise. So, keep it up.

9285533

Thank you!
I very much appreciate the comment and I made the corrections.

Dan

Cute vignette. I love SweetieMash!

Needs an actual middle and ending.

so basically button is a playing as a character without enough points in speech but can get by because his genre saviness lets him bypass skill checks with items

9287741
Btw what i just mentioned is why i think this Is a massive improvement over your previous ship fic . I was readying myself for the moment when button saved the day with either an out of character speech or one that should have Made things worse

9287741
instead he did something that should have logically helped, fits right within his abilities ( and he acknoledges that trying something else would have been foolish) and is selfish , but because of being cute , probably has grabbed sweetie's attention

This is an interesting take for a ButtonBelle story - basing your inspiration off of a photo is a good way to begin. Although I do admire your attempt at making a cute, romance story about these two, there were a few issues I picked out. I am aware that this is not your first time writing a story but I believe it is your first try at writing a romantic fiction so I'll cut down most parts I would want to share.

It is important that you introduce the character fully; it's a mistake that other people do a lot and it was fine here since I already knew the necessary information about said characters. You're probably confused: what I mean is that you have to introduce them in a way that no one has seen them before. Telling this story to another person without much detail to characters can be worrying for they would not know how they would appear. You did mention some parts like Button's hat and Cheerilee's pink coat but that was it. I am also aware that you must have wanted to have a short story and that's completely fine. I just thought that maybe a couple of descriptions would have been nice.

Another issue I found was the lack of world description. Going by my previous point, if no one knows where they are, you have to explain it to them. Sure, many of us know that they are in a schoolhouse but a few descriptions about where Button is would be pretty helpful. An added bonus would be the increased skill in writing a detailed scenario that will definitely put the viewers in perspective: try applying the five senses (it doesn't have to be in one passage), it will work. There may have been an overcast day to reflect on Sweetie's mood, a great way to describe how she's feeling. However, I do realise that world description may not be too important since you want to tell a story about Button liking Sweetie Belle after being heartbroken by Rumble so I don't blame you.

Finally, I believe that there is too much dialogue in this story. Although talking is a great way to express the situation or story. Some indirect speech could have been used such as the conversation with Button's mother and Cheerilee (i.e. The two chatted, both with a concerning tone to Button Mash as his ears coiled while the inevitable talk of disappointment reigned upon him.). You could have delayed the moment with Button and Sweetie Belle with a few hints of her with a small gift to present to Rumble to suggest that she was heartbroken.

With all that said, I believe you can truly improve as a writer. You have the potential to write and improve from every word you make as well as create a fantastic narrative a lot of people will enjoy reading. It will take time but I'm sure you'll get there. (Also, apologies for the long writing, I tend to do this when critiquing a story).
-Mr.User

Sweetie Belle heartbroken by... Rumble.

It's sad that after ''Marks and Recreation'' aired, people now see Rumble as an ass. :/

9288569
It's not that I don't like Rumble. XD
Button Mash is my favorite background pony.
Plus, I love him and Sweetie as a pair.
Also, since the ep, a lot of people shipped her and Rumble.
So I saw him as a threat and wanted to shove Button back into the scene.

9288292

I very much appreciate the comment and you, of course, made some very good points.
I will certainly take the advice to heart. :twilightsmile:

Also, I am actually glad it is long.
You took the time to help me and even expressed how I had the potential to be a writer.
In return, I thank you so much and I hope I will become a better writer because of it.

It's a good story with huge potential- I'm aware a lot of readers had already given you the feedback you need so I'll leave that up to you- but I'm also aware that this is potentially your first try at a romance? If so- well done, you've done well. If not- well done anyways because writing can be difficult :rainbowlaugh: :pinkiehappy:

This is a cute one shot romance

This was lovely. That ending was masterful.

9290986
i take it that you wrote a few books before ?

9605481

I've dabbled, but nothing too big. I must say, that came out of nowhere. I jumped a little when I received a notification saying someone had replied to a comment :rainbowlaugh:

9605494
i apologies if i startled you ,i do agree with your comment on the difficulty on writing , i am on my 6th book and through personal experience i agree, writing is hard


i must say you have a beautiful character picture do you also dabble in drawing?

9605567

No worries, i find that i jump at the smallest of things. Yes, it has always been terribly difficult. I do not blame anyone for finding it rather tough. It takes a lot of devotion and courage to start or publish a book on any sort of platform, so I commend you for getting as far as your sixth book.

Oh thank you! Yes, just a tad. Although I've not the courage to learn properly, I'll be completely honest and admit that I only added the details, the bare base was already drawn for me .

9605592
i do thank you and no worries ,truth be told that well ,my profile picture ,yes i drew it myself but just like you i had my base for me and i only added the details


the courage you need and the strong heart you must have for writing cannot be weak

you have to put up with trolls ,i mean i post my first book 3 days later i got 3 down votes

not easy but i put up with it

9288642
Ummm, dude. Sorry to say, but SweetieMash was always more popular and Button Mash has always been a threat to RumBelle ship.

Sorry for late reply, btw.

hmmmmmm a good mix of rumbelle and buttonbelle i like it

and its a cute story which i also like

and a good mix of getting over rejection and heartbreak in a short and sweet story

The two people who disliked this story.

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