Sensation - Appleloosa

by Vivid Syntax

Chapter 14 - Far From the Tree

Of course, at the time, I was pissed.

I answered a knock on my door one Wednesday, and Soarin’ stood there all fluffed up like a foal scout. “Hi, Braebu–”

“Aw, hell!” I slammed the door right in his face, and I shattered a bottle of whisky that was nearby when I opened it again to spit on him.

But… Soarin’ wouldn’t be deterred, not by the heat, the law, nothing. And when I saw Silverstar moving to arrest him for Celestia-knows-what, I waffled. Again. And I told Silverstar to let him in.

We yelled. Screamed, even. I was so damn tired, and apparently, Big Mac had told Soarin’ about Bronze, which left me wondering just how much I could trust my own cousin. My head spun thinking about my family and what a disaster everything was with them, and I missed Bronze even more. He would have known what to say. He knew how to handle families.

But funny enough, family disasters are what finally closed the gap between Soarin’ and me. When I accused Soarin’ of not knowing that kind of loss, he grew real small and whispered, “Actually… I do.”

Soarin’ opened up to me. He was vulnerable in a way I doubt he’d ever been. He rarely – if ever – talked about his mother in those days, how she’d left Soarin’ and his father when he was a colt. Worst of all, Soarin’ had woken up in the middle of the night and seen her leave. That image was burned into his mind for life.

It all felt so familiar. I shut right up, because, truthfully, he did know what it was like. Hell, he might have known better than I did. And suddenly, the loneliness I’d seen in his eyes all made sense. But something still didn’t add up. “Why’d you come here? Nopony travels all the way across Equestria just to be polite.” I was almost afraid of the answer, so I convinced myself to ask again, “Why'd you come here?"

He didn’t hesitate. “To apologize. And… I wanted to see you again.” A cute little smile flashed across his face, and light sparkled in his eyes despite the dark.

And for just a second, I felt a glimmer of hope. Maybe our time at Honeycrisp’s farm wasn’t a fluke. He felt like a friend, somepony I wanted in my life. But that hope felt all too familiar, just like it had with every other stallion, and I couldn’t bring myself to act on it. I was too afraid to jump in again and get hurt, and so, I let him drift away.

After a silence, he stood to leave. “Take care, Braeburn. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.”

And then, Soarin’ did something so tiny, but it meant the world. He walked to the door and stopped in front of the shattered whisky bottle. He could have flown over it, but instead, he grabbed a dustpan and cleaned it up. I don’t know what it is about small gestures, but they always seem more important than the big ones. You don’t plan for moments like that, so they reflect what’s really in your heart. And Soarin’ truly was a stallion that cared.

Thankfully, small gestures cut both ways. As he finished cleaning, he saw the coat rack. He grinned and laughed, “Nice goggles.”

And… that was the start of it. I fumbled in embarrassment, but after he’d shown me his true colors, after he’d opened up and listened, I could already feel myself falling for him. As much as I tried to withdraw into a hard shell of misery, I had to admit that there was a pony right in front of me who'd seen something in me, who wanted to know me more, because he liked me, and because he felt like we needed each other, and dammit if he didn’t come all the way across Equestria just to spend more time with me. I felt my heart bloom as I realized: this wouldn't be our last meeting.

Soarin’ had come back. He came back the next day, too, and the next, and each time, I learned more about him. I saw deeper into his soul, whether he was trying to learn apple bucking (and making a fool of both of us in the process) or touring the town or just spending time while I did my paperwork. It felt different. It felt right.

Not everypony approved, of course. To Pridesong, Soarin’ was just another weekend stallion that I'd forget about soon. To Hasty Haberdasher, he was enabling my alcoholism, though to his credit, Soarin’ worked hard to correct that once he knew it was a problem. And to my shame, I started by trying to hide our burgeoning relationship to avoid any more drama with the town. But before long, I felt like he was worth the risk.

Hell, I was preening him on the damn floor of the town hall two days in. Might as well have had him mount me on Mane Street while I was at it.

The strangest thing, too, was how we didn’t get intimate. I mean, you know me at this point. After three days, we still hadn’t done anything physical. That finally changed on Soarin’s fourth night in town, but not at all the way I’d expected.

We had gone dancing at the Wild West Dance with the whole town, and then we walked around the orchard, just the two of us. Once we got closer to my house, I could feel the tension building up in Soarin'. He was hungry. I knew what was coming, and I knew what it might mean. If we slept together, well, who’s to say he wouldn’t turn into just another weekend stallion? My mind cycled through Bronze, Mellow, Coal Shaft, and all the others. I couldn’t even name them all.

But I didn’t want to lose him, and like I said, I didn’t have much in the way of resisting old habits. We stood on my porch, and I struggled to get it all out. “You have certain expectations, right? Third date and all." I glanced back to my orchard, because I couldn’t meet his gaze. "I-I wouldn't say no." I flashed back to our experience at Aunt Honeycrisp's. "And I'd try not to… lose my head again." I resigned myself to this potentially being the end, and I finally looked back at him and said, "We both deserve some comfort."

Soarin’ got this look in his eyes, like he’d just seen a piece of art that spoke to his soul. He didn’t look needy anymore. He looked certain, solid. His whole posture changed. Calm radiated off him in a way I'd never seen. “Yeah, we do.” He paused, and his shoulders relaxed. I thought it was disappointment at first, but it was something else entirely. “But only when you’re ready.”

He gave me the smallest kiss. Pure. Innocent. No disappointment, no judgment. I felt… It's hard to say, really. The whole rest of the world felt like it disappeared. It was just me and him, standing together, his lips on mine for the briefest moment, and in that space, I felt as safe as I ever have. Even if neither of us knew it at the time, I think that’s the moment we both truly fell in love.

He stepped back, and his eyes were soft, deep wells of kindness. “Good night, Braeburn.” With nothing but a smile that I’ll remember forever, he turned, took off into the sky, and faded into the black.

I stood there on my porch with the door open, and I realized what was so different: Soarin’ was giving me a choice. He had me wrapped around his hoof. He could have done whatever he wanted with me, just like Bronze had. But he hadn’t. He was letting me choose. It felt so foreign. Mind boggling, even.

I had a good long think about the town, my reputation, and the beautiful stallion who spoke with his actions more than his words. But thoughts all seemed inadequate. Feelings did, too. Whatever was happening went deeper than that. Instead, there was a truth, a sense that something needed to be made right in the universe, a force that was calling me to do what I knew had to be done.

And even simpler than all that, it was what I wanted, so I chose to be with Soarin’.

==X===X===X===X===X==

We walk along the dusty plateau, and as we step closer to town, little specks of color brush against our hooves. They're desert flowers, tiny like scraps of paper. They dot the landscape and bring it to life.

Braeburn walks tall, his face to the sky. "That first time we made love, we synced up like a dulcimer and cello: movement that was light and flowing and energetic with a strong undertone that kept us stable." His head shakes, and he smiles. "I still can't believe how it felt. It was complete. That's the only word for it. My body liked it, yeah, but there were so many more layers. We brought each other to the heights of pleasure. We made each other feel safe. We laughed and joked and tickled each other with no shame at all. We were present. We were together." He lowers his eyes and looks at me. "That's all that we needed. It's all that I want now."

I nod. "Sounds like you made the right choice."

Braeburn smiles up at the sky again, surrounded by tiny flowers. "Ha! I did. And a damn good thing, too, because I wouldn't have survived the next month without him."

==X===X===X===X===X==

It was such a beautiful morning, waking up next to my lover, right up until Soarin' scrunched up his face and asked me, "Eeeeeever wonder what it's like to be famous?"

No rest for the wicked, as they say.

I don't think I'd ever seen a paparazzo before, and if I never see one again, it'll be too soon. Soarin' knew how to handle them, to a point, but I was in way over my head. Thank goodness Slate stopped by when he did, even if we weren't exactly decent.

Our escape plan was straightforward: I'd sneak out just before the Sunday train left, then hop on while Soarin' distracted the media. We would hide out in Las Pegasus until the heat died down. The only problem was that the timing needed to be airtight, and stuck in the hotel like I was, I couldn't do it alone.

But Slate had arranged for that, too, and after he and Soarin' had left, I waited for somepony to give the secret knock. It was heavy and loud and distressingly familiar, and with my head hung low, I opened the door. "Hey there, Pridesong."

He frowned beneath his hat, but he didn't scold. "You okay, Braeburn?"

It threw me. "Uh…” I looked behind me to the window with the curtain drawn. The room was all darkness. “Well, I've been better.”

Pridesong stood tall and sighed. “Yeah. I can understand that.”

A long silence passed.

I mumbled, “I’m sorry, Pride. Sorry for all this. Sorry for…” I shook my head. “Sorry for being the way I am, I suppose.”

Pridesong snorted. “Oh, you knock that off.”

“Pardon?” My ears turned towards him.

“Just…” He looked into my room. We could hear paparazzi out in the street. “You didn’t cause this. You didn’t mean to bring those leeches here.”

I went slack. “Maybe, but they are here because of my choices.” I shook my head. “Because I’m so damn stallion-crazy. A damn slut. And now, they might be killin’ the town.”

“Braeburn, don’t bash your work like that.”

I cocked an eyebrow at him. “Heh. Why not?”

He rolled his eyes. “Braeburn, you founded this damn town yourself. Yes, with help, but you built it up, and ponies around here are tougher than a few idiots with cameras. Have a little faith.” He scratched at his neck. “And… you ain’t a slut.”

Sitting down to sulk, I groaned, “Feh. You sure about that?”

Pridesong rolled something around in his head, and he took a seat with me on the floor. “Braeburn, you didn’t go to dances in high school, did you?”

I shook my head. “No. What’s your point?”

“I suppose you didn’t date much, either?”

“Just enough to cast off suspicions.”

“Yeah, thought so.” He pursed his lips. “And I need to remember that. I was a… I was very irresponsible as a young buck. Most stallions are. And I think I forgot that.”

My head turned to the side. “So… why you askin’ about dances?”

“Last night. The Wild West Dance.” He gazed off into nothing. “I saw the way you were dancing with Soarin’. You were just… so damn happy, the same way I was when I got my first kiss. It reminded me of half my friends with their first marefriends. It struck me – hard – that maybe you’ve never gotten that.” He flicked his hoof at me. “And plus, I could tell you hadn’t been drinking, which, no offense, is a minor miracle in its own right.”

“Heh,” I chuckled to myself. “Yeah, Soarin’s got that effect.”

“And I just can’t be mad at you for wanting that, Braeburn. Heck, I’m after it, too. So, uh…” He snorted again. “We don’t want to scare the tourists off, but–”

“Didn’t you used to hate the tourists?” I cut in with a smile.

“They like my songs, and they tip well,” he said with a shrug. “But we gotta get you to a good place. Appleloosa wouldn’t be the fine community it is without you, and I wish you nothing but the best.”

I narrowed my eyes on him. “You’re talkin’ like I’m never comin’ back.”

He didn’t budge. “Are you? You’re dating a celebrity. You really think he wants to hang out here?”

Those words haunt me to this day.

I shook my head. “Pride, I’m sorry, but I’m in no position to think that far ahead right now.”

He sighed. “Right. ‘pologies. But just know, Braeburn: you do a damn fine job keeping Appleloosa afloat, even if I don’t always approve of your choices, and we’ll miss you a bunch. You best come back, if only for a visit.”

I looked him in the eyes. “I will, Pride. And thank you.”

“Good. Now let’s get you on that train.”

And just like that, it felt like I had another friend.

Soarin's plan worked, mostly. Pridesong was my lookout, and we hopped from building to building until the last dash to the train. But in the end, one of those parasites did manage to get a photo.

The train took off regardless, and a few minutes later, Soarin' joined me in the engine room. He flipped his lid when I told him I'd been caught, and all the feelings I'd had when Bronze had gotten angry came flooding back. I felt myself collapsing, but Soarin' noticed, and he changed his tune right away. You know how sometimes, in your dreams, you feel like you're falling and then get jerked awake? It felt like that, except I came back to warmth instead of fear.

We cuddled on the floor and caught our breath. Soarin' promised he wouldn't lose his temper again, but then he insisted, "You have to promise me something, too, though."

I turned my head. "What is it?"

"If you're not happy…" He looked at me; really looked hard. "Like, if I'm doing something that makes you sad or I get too angry or something, and you're not happy, you have to tell me, okay? I… I wanna be better than Bronze."

I didn't want to think about Soarin' being the same as Bronze, and ice gripped my heart. I hadn't been able to stand up to Bronze when it had mattered. Could I do that to Soarin'?

"Promise?"

I told myself that I would try. "…Yeah. Okay. I promise."

Once it was all clear, we went back to the passenger car, and Soarin' told me his story about getting cut from the Wonderbolts and how he’d met me. That pony leads an exciting and stunning life, and anypony that says celebrities have it easy hasn't met one like him. We cuddled on the train and caught our breath. Everything felt topsy-turvy, but Soarin’ knew how to put a smile on my face. He wanted to sweep me off my hooves, and as we rolled into Las Pegasus that evening, hoo! He succeeded.

Las Pegasus was a dizzying sight. There were lights everywhere, and music, and seas of ponies, and even though the air was foul with the smell of a dirty city, it didn't detract from my wonder at it. From the moment we stepped into the Strip and I got got by a living statue, everything felt like magic.

What made it all the more special is when Soarin' called me “babe.” He was so casual about it, I practically melted.

On the run like that, living moment to moment, I felt like a criminal in all the right ways. I asked Soarin' if, just for the night, I could let loose and not worry about drinking. He was clearly uncomfortable with it, but he wanted to spoil me, and we went wild.

I was downright overloaded that first evening, like a colt who'd had his first taste of sugar. There was sightseeing, roller coasters, dancing, drinking far more than I should have… Soarin' kept bringing me someplace new, beyond my wildest dreams.

The craziest place had to be the strip club. I still can't believe he took me there. We'd been on maybe three dates (depending on how you counted), and he was all too happy to let me get bug-eyed and play around with other stallions. Turns out that bothered him more than he'd thought it would, but still, that confidence and comfort was exactly what I needed.

I mean, it's utterly ridiculous, right? For as much as I'd kept a lid on exploring my sexuality, there I was: publicly masturbating a hunk of a stripper while my new lover openly stroked himself over how much I was into it. Basically, I was in the middle of every one of those bad ponies that parents warn you about. Their loss. They don't know what they're missing. Hoo!

Stud – that was the stripper’s name – Stud also called Soarin' my coltfriend. That caught us both off guard, since really, we barely knew each other. It gave us both pause, but that really wasn’t the place to discuss it.

After we left the strip club, we were both riled up, so we snuck into an alley and swapped some, uh… southern kisses, if you catch my drift.

…

Don't give me that look. You know what I'm saying: we traded some gob-stoppers.

…Played with some thick straw in the teeth.

Ya' know: bobbing for the big apples.

Sword-swallowing.

Nature's breath mint.

Wetting his whistle.

Buffing the helmet.

Whitening our teeth.

Slurping the milkshakes with a side of taters.

…

It was blowjobs, okay? Swapping blowjobs in a nasty back alley.

...which I guess makes me one of those ponies to avoid, too, huh?

We didn't want our fun to end, and we stayed up past sunrise dancing, drinking, and making out, until we finally had to call it quits back at the hotel room.

But that wasn't the last surprise of the night. Day. Whichever.

As we cuddled in bed, I told him, "Thanks for takin' me out tonight, Soarin'. Gonna remember this night forever. I'm… I'm sorry about what I said in front of Stud."

He turned his head like a puppy. "What do you mean?"

"The coltfriend thing. I mean, are we…" My mouth ran off before my brain could catch it. "It's just that I don’t know where we are, and you're doing all these nice things for me and I don't know how I'll ever repay you. And you're really sweet, but I can't help feelin' like we're just stumblin' through whatever the hell is going on, and maybe I'm too weak-minded, but I just want to know. I-I suppose you're not used to bein' all serious, what with bein' a celebrity and all, and– Oh, and there I go making assumptions. I shouldn't–"

He calmed me with a gentle but forceful hoof to my lips. "Babe, we can be whatever you want. All you gotta do is ask."

"But it can't be that easy, can it? There's so much that–'' I shook my head, and I looked at my Big Blue. His eyes were kind, and he was listening. Really listening to me. And I thought, well, maybe it can be that simple, if he’s willing to risk it, too. "Aw, hell. I'm bein' stupid. Soarin', would you do me the honor of bein' my coltfriend?"

Without a moment’s hesitation, he nuzzled into my chest. "Totally."

And just like that, I had a coltfriend again. From then on through the rest of our trip, my imagination would run wild in our quiet moments. What would it be like to live together? Work together? Would we get married and, somehow, raise foals? Grow old together? But first things first, I figured I should introduce him to my parents. That thought made a pit in my stomach, but knowing I had Soarin’ with me made it a lot easier.

We kept up the fun the next day and dyed our manes to blend in. I went with hot pink, just to really lean into the gay lifestyle as hard as I could, and Soarin' showed me how to strut my stuff. I was actually pretty good at it, and folks were cat-calling me all day.

It helps to have a killer ass, of course.

On a whim, I even got an earring. Can you believe it? It's a blue stud, the same one I’m wearing right now, but I never would have expected that of myself. Soarin’ didn’t want one for personal and professional reasons, and I could respect that.

I'd like to say I was lost in the fun, but as the days went on, reality crept back up on me, like it always did. The thoughts came back: what would happen when everypony found out? That photographer had snapped a picture of me, and it was too much to hope that it wouldn’t be everywhere soon. It took up more and more of my thoughts, until the city seemed to lose its luster, and the whole Gayburn act stopped being as much fun. It felt dirty. It didn’t feel like me.

And on Friday, the story broke.

I collapsed in the hotel hallway when I saw it, and I went out and bought every paper I could. They all had it: pictures of me on the train and Soarin' outside my house. Soarin’ was still asleep, and I spent an hour or more sat outside our room, just poring over every word. None of them were kind. Phrases like “Soarin’s secret harlot” and “Wonderbolt homewrecker” lined every page.

My head felt hot. The hallway closed in on me. I knew that this was bad for me, taking all this in, all alone and with nothing to break the cycle of my thoughts, but I couldn’t move. The only thing I could do was read more and more and more, and each turn of the page made it worse and worse. My whole skull felt like it was in a vise, and I was cranking it tighter myself by insisting on reading more. I suppose I thought I’d find at least one kind article, but there were none to be had.

And it only got worse when I realized that everypony would know. My whole family would hear about it. AJ, Granny, all my cousins… It would be the talk of the town in Haulahay, and I had embarrassed my family name more than it ever had been before. “Harlot.” I could hear them say it. “Faggot.” It played over and over in my head, and my chest felt tight. Gosh, I wonder if I almost had a heart attack.

I might have never left that spot if Soarin’ hadn’t eventually rushed out looking for me, and right away, he knew. Unable to think or feel anything else, I asked him to give me space. He wanted to help. He really, really did, but there wasn’t anything he could do.

Or so I thought. He rushed out and got a stud, a yellow one, just like mine, just so I wouldn’t…

==X===X===X===X===X==

Braeburn slows his pace. His lip quivers, and a weak smile crosses his face. He wipes at his eye, and the beads of his sobriety bracelet clack together. “Just so I wouldn’t feel alone.” He stops and turns to me. “Soarin’ knew what was wrong. It wasn’t the attention or the fear. It wasn’t even that I’d been outed to all of Equestria. It was that I felt alone.”

I turn my head. “How do you mean?”

“I was away from home. Both of my homes. I’d had my big moment of truth robbed from me – I would never get the chance to tell my family who I was on my own terms. I hadn’t told my parents about Bronze. I’d alienated myself from the town I’d nurtured from its infancy.” He shakes his head. “And Soarin’ saw all that. He couldn’t fix it, but with his actions, he told me that I wasn’t in the thick of it by myself. No matter how many stupid mistakes I made, he, well, heh.” Braeburn rolls his eyes. “He was willing to make them with me, just so I wouldn’t feel alone.”

A warm breeze blows, and I catch a glimpse of shiny blue in Braeburn’s ear.

Braeburn holds a hoof to his chest. “That’s love right there. That’s him telling me that I would be okay, because he’d be there with me. That’s why we wear these studs: it’s a reminder that we’re always with each other. And I want him to be a part of every aspect of my life.” He starts walking towards the orchard again. “That meant it was time to introduce him to some of the most important ponies to me.”

==X===X===X===X===X==

Soarin’ took it well when I told him I wanted him to meet Ma and Pa. We took a few photos to commemorate our trip – just another way Soarin’ always brought light and positivity to a dark situation – and we washed out our manes and tails.

The trip to Haulahay was smooth. And quick. Too quick.

Can you blame me for being nervous? This was the second coltfriend I was bringing home in a year. Sure, I wanted to believe Ma and Pa had continued to come around, but it still felt perilous, you know? They’d liked Bronze. Bronze had helped repair our relationship. What did it say about me that we weren’t together anymore?

We stayed at a cheap motel that night on my dime (I insisted). Couldn't hardly sleep, but Soarin' was all over me and determined to kiss away the pain. We ended up sleeping in (or trying and failing to, at least), and headed out in the afternoon.

We got to my parents' place easy enough, and I gave Soarin' one last kiss before we opened the door. Even Bronze had only dared that one kiss in front of them at Hearth's Warming, and I really didn't want to push it. I had enough on my plate.

And I didn't want to get seen by the neighbors, so I waltzed right in. "Ma? Pa? Ya' home? I've, uh, got somepony I'd like you to meet."

Poor Soarin'. I should have given him more warning. Big Blue was stiff as a board from the moment we walked in.

To be fair, so was Ma. She was acting all bouncy in her ‘polite host’ way, which meant she'd seen the news and was trying to hide her feelings. The blue stud didn't seem to bother her outwardly, but I knew better. If that hadn't been enough of a tell, she called Soarin' my ‘friend’ right away.

I fetched Pa from the porch. Like Ma, he commented that he was glad to see that I was okay.

We did introductions, and my stars, it made my stomach turn. It felt like a bad stage play: everypony was wooden and going through the motions, like we were being watched.

Which, to be fair, was a concern. Reporters had been bothering my parents since the day they swarmed Appleloosa. The agencies must have looked me up and sent a few to Haulahay, too.

Dinner wasn't any better. It went on and on and on, with all of us trying to wrench the conversation where we wanted it to go. Ma wasn't afraid to wrestle it to ‘pleasant’ topics, which amounted to a whole bunch of nothing. We were eating past dark, I think, just because they didn't want to address what we were all feeling. But the tension boiled over, and Pa had to raise his voice to get us all to quit. He took Soarin' for a walk around the farm just to ease the tension.

But that left me with Ma. She stood up and wordlessly ran the sink water to wash the dishes.

I wish I could say I rarely felt that uncomfortable in my foalhood home. I really wish I could. That feeling was familiar, though. I felt like I was teetering on a cliff with Ma right beside me, and if either one of us panicked, that would be the end.

I cleared the bowls and plates and brought them over. She was already hard at work washing the soup pot, and I towel-dried the few leftover plates from their lunch to make room. Water splashed quietly. Cloth silently met porcelain. We didn’t look at each other.

Eventually, I remembered that I had to be the adult. “I don’t wanna give each other the silent treatment, Ma.” At first she didn’t say anything, so I added, “I’m sorry the reporters have been bothering you. It ain’t fair how they target small folks like us.”

She snorted, which she almost never did. Her breath fogged up the bottom of the stew pot. “Well, that’s what happens when you bring a big pony into things, I suppose.”

My neck felt hot. “It ain’t my fault, Ma.”

“If you believe that, then why did you just apologize?”

“I–” She was right. I hated it. “I am sorry, Ma.” Bronze’s voice bounced around in my head. “But I’m not sorry for dating Soarin’.”

Ma let the soup pot fall back into the filthy water. “Braeburn, we raised you better than this.”

I snapped at her, “Better than what?”

“Oh, you know what I mean!” She scrubbed harder, then moved the pot to the opposite side of the sink. She grabbed for some silverware and then very purposefully went for the bowls instead. She always said not to wash knives when you were angry.

“No, I don’t!” I rinsed the pot. “Because I don’t know if you’re sayin’ you don’t want me to be gay, or to not bring shame to your precious reputation, or what!”

“Sleeping around, Braeburn!” Her mane bounced as she turned towards me. “I mean, really, Braeburn! We didn’t even know you’d broken up with Bronze! And I don’t know about two stallions, I really don’t, but I’m left wondering if you were… were cheating on him or you dumped him because you found a celebrity or something else entirely. And every explanation is worse than the last!”

The pot clanged into the sink. “Ma, I would never cheat on anypony!" Fuck me, I guess, but I was so damn sure of myself. "Geez, you really think that about me?”

“I don’t know anymore!” She turned back to the bowls and scrubbed them out, much less thoroughly than she was used to. “You’re always going to be my little Braeby, but I’m seeing sides of you I never thought I’d see.”

I sighed. “Well, I need to grow up on my own sometimes,” I mumbled.

“Certainly, but I never thought of you as a cruel pony, son.”

My face scrunched up. “What? What are you talking about?” I picked up the soup pot and started drying.

She rolled her eyes, then narrowed them on me. “You broke that poor stallion’s heart, Braeburn. Bronze is a good stallion, maybe even – and I am shocked I’m saying this – maybe even marriage material for you, and the way you couldn’t figure things out with him just… Oof!” She turned back to her work and scrubbed even harder. The bowls practically flew into the other side of the sink.

And I kept thinking, ‘Where the hell does she get off yelling at me?’ I slung the drying towel over my shoulder and boomed back, “Ma, it's complicated, and I don’t appreciate your judgment right now. You don’t know what happened!”

“Yes, I do, and I’m mighty displeased that I had to hear it from Bronze!”

I staggered. “What? W-What do you mean?”

“Son, I thought we’d figured this all out. I thought things were getting better!” Her eyes were just a little shiny, but she fought through it. “But Bronze stopped by last Friday – he’s got a letter for you, by the way – he stopped by without you, and he was just as shocked as we were that you hadn’t told us!”

“B-Bronze was here?”

“Yes! And Braeburn, I…” She shook her head. “Braeburn, he’s a good stallion. He checked up on us. He had no idea where in Equestria you were, and neither did we.” She wouldn’t look at me anymore. “Like a knife to my heart, Braeburn. I thought we were done with these secrets.”

“I want to be!” I pointed a hoof at her. “But I knew you’d be angry. And disappointed. And I needed to figure things out first.”

“And you figured it out by jumping in bed with a celebrity? And letting the Celestia-damned media in on all your private goings on?” She huffed. “Oh, listen to me. Cort would be staring daggers at me for my language.”

“Ma, I’m–”

“I don’t want to hear it, young colt.” She was shutting me out again. “Not now. I’m too hot in the head. I’ll finish these. You just get the bed ready.” She glanced at me. “Soarin’s sleeping down here tonight, understand?”

She’d cut it off. That was the end. My muscles unwound – the anger couldn’t carry me any further, and what was left was a cold resignation. I told myself that Soarin' and I would leave tomorrow, and that my family was back to where we were before Bronze. “Yes, Ma…”

Disappointment is a miserable but all-too-familiar companion. I did as I was told, and by the time I got new sheets on the bed, Ma was wishing me good night over her shoulder and heading upstairs. “Your letter’s in the box by the window.” The whole staircase felt trapped, so I just let her go and flopped down on the rollaway. I figured I could at least make it smell a bit like me. Soarin’ always liked that.

When I was sure Ma wouldn’t come downstairs again, I found the letter, and I lay in the rollaway to read it by dim gem lamp light. I swore I got about a dozen paper cuts, but I think my hooves were just prickly as I unfolded it. There was a little light of hope inside me, but I tried to keep it cautious. I read the letter.

Hey, Appleslut,

I sighed. “Yeah, I probably deserve that.” I decided to do it all in one go, before I could stop myself.

Certainly didn't take long to hop on another pegasus, did it? Did you even wait until the bed was cold before you grabbed the next piece of meat that flopped into your lap, or were you cheating on me the whole time?

Shouldn't be surprised. You never think of anypony but yourself in the heat of the moment. What about all the ponies back in Appleloosa? It's going to be tough for them to adapt. I know it's tough for me, but I guess you've already moved on…

It's terrible, Brae. I'm not even mad, just disappointed. But I'm here for you, Applebutt. If I'm right, you'll ask your parents to bail you out again, and by the time Gal gives you this letter, I'll be back in Appleloosa, taking care of the orchard you were in such a rush to abandon. I'll tend to it for as long as it takes, until you're ready to apologize – not just to me, but to your town.

But you know what, Brae? I already forgive you. You weren't in your right mind, not with the fight, and not with this new fling you're rebounding with. I understand: you're under a ton of pressure. That's why I wanted to help out with the orchard in the first place. And I'm sorry you got so offended by that, I really am. I didn't want to hurt you, but you deserve the truth.

And the truth is, the Braeburn I love – and you know I do love you, cutie, with every part of me, just like I know you still love me, deep down. It's what keeps me going. I need you, Braeburn. You're the one shining star in the night sky. Do you remember what you said that night on Silverstar's roof, Applebutt?

The Braeburn I love would make it right. I believe in you, and I know you'll come around. See you soon.

Your wings, always,
Bronze

To my own surprise, it didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would. I groaned, “Well, he ain’t wrong.” I folded the letter and tucked it into my vest so Soarin’ wouldn’t accidentally discover it.

I rolled onto my back and put a hoof to the bridge of my nose. A massive headache came at me from nowhere. I nickered softly as the room spun around me like I’d had seven shots of tequila. Bronze was back in Appleloosa, waiting for me. He would want to take over the orchard, and Slate would only be able to stake so much claim to it. And I wasn’t in any shape to take care of it remotely. Meanwhile, my new coltfriend was off in the fields with my father, and who knew how that was going? And I had to patch things up with my mother. And worry about the monthly reports for Canterlot. And stay away from the media. And figure out how to explain all this to the extended family. And probably a dozen more things I was forgetting.

I felt like a used matchstick. I rubbed my temple. “Not tonight,” I moaned to myself. “Ya’ ain’t gonna solve it tonight. Not like this. Get some sleep, and Soarin’ can help out in the mornin’.” My heart sank thinking about Soarin’ and I sleeping apart – that was one more thing to have on my mind – so I rolled over and tried to nap until they got home. I didn’t really sleep, just zoned in and out a bunch.

Soarin’ and Pa came back a bit later in shockingly good spirits. That ended as soon as they came in and saw me. I could tell, even though I was turned away from the door. Pa tried to make conversation, but I wasn’t having it, like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

But Soarin’ must have gotten through to him, at least a bit. In the end, Pa said, “Night, son. I’m glad you’re home.”

Despite it all, he was still glad to see me. That kept the embers in my heart glowing a bit longer, and I found my voice. “Night, Pa.”

Soarin’ and I checked in with each other, just briefly, just enough to wish him good night and agree that we should follow my parents’ instructions and sleep in separate beds. Even as I climbed those creaky steps and snuck the letter into my locked nightstand, I doubted my choice, and I wanted my Big Blue to make the decision for me. I didn’t close my door the whole way. In my heart of hearts, I thought he might join me anyway.

And Soarin’ Windsong always comes back for me. This time was no exception, and I felt like I could sprout wings when he came in an hour later, after my folks were asleep. We cuddled. Then we cuddled a bit more vigorously. It eased my mind and brought me clarity, and Soarin’ has always been good for that.

My gosh how we chatted after that. We talked for so long, and it was all about family. We talked about how I still speak to the ghost of my big brother Jonah, and he does the same with his dad. We talked about family leaving us, and as much as I wanted to bring up how Bronze had been through the same thing, I held my tongue. We talked about making amends with our parents – him with his estranged mother, and me with mine – and that got us heated.

We called a truce pretty quick, though, and Soarin’ told me about the talk with Pa. He explained that most of all, Pa was scared of losing me, and he just wanted me to be happy, even if it was with another stallion. And that Pa would always love me. Frankly, I was stunned that Pa would open up to anypony like that.

Mostly because of how rarely he opened up with me.

The conversation turned a bit. Soarin’ admitted that he’d told Pa about the abuse, which sent a chill through my spine. But the more I thought about it, the more his reaction when he’d come in made sense. He knew I’d been hurt. He was glad I was home, safe and away from ponies that would do me harm. Soarin’s story must have been true: Pa was scared of losing me. That made everything clearer, and suddenly, I found myself wanting to talk to both my parents again.

I admitted to Soarin’ that Bronze had brought me a letter. He wanted to read it, and with some prodding, I let him, but he ended up seeing some old drawings I’d made as an adolescent. Soarin’ didn’t laugh, though. He just… kissed me. Warmly.

It took me months to figure out what to make of that night. I think that, between all the running and action, we hadn’t had time to just sit and talk without worrying about our next move. Strange as it was, the fight with my parents gave us that moment. Out in the country like that, breathing the clean air and safe with my coltfriend, it all seemed so clear: we were both fighting the same battle with our families, and Soarin’ needed a little help with his.

I hugged my Big Blue tight. “I want you in my life, Soarin'. I like you bein' here. And I want my family to want you, too.”

He deflated. “Yeah. That’d be nice.” He was thinking about his mother, too, and he didn’t believe it was possible.

But I did. “And I think we've both got some peace to make with our folks.”

Soarin’ protested more. He argued that his mother wouldn’t want to see him again. I argued back that he needed to do it for himself, and we went back and forth until he rolled away from me, and the real heart of the matter came out. “I can’t do it.”

I reached out and held him. “Yes, you can. I know you're strong enough. And, well… If you need somepony to show you it can be done, I suppose that falls to me." I kissed his cheek and stood up, then marched to the door.

Soarin’ looked up at me. “What are you–”

I looked back at my Big Blue, hiding beneath the covers like a colt in a thunderstorm. It was rare for him to look that vulnerable. He had no choice – a Wonderbolt needs to be a paragon of courage. But we’d connected, and I knew that the facade couldn’t hold. “You don't gotta be the brave one all the time, Soarin'. I'll take the lead on this one, so get some rest. This might take a while.” Before he could protest, I walked into the hallway.

That house had never felt so intimidating. But I could almost feel Soarin’ behind me. With how much he’d been taking the lead the past couple weeks, it’s no surprise that he needed some help. As his coltfriend, I wanted to give him that.

With Soarin’ in mind, nothing could stop me. The floor creaked as I walked to my parents’ door, and I knocked softly and stuck my nose in. “Ma? Pa?”

Pa sat halfway up, paused, and mumbled, “Braeburn, it’s the middle of the night.”

‘No going back now,’ I thought. “Yeah. Sorry 'bout waking you, but I, uh, I think we need to talk.” I didn’t wait for them to invite me in. I grabbed the chair by my mother’s vanity and sat down.

Ma yawned. “Braeby, do you really think this is the time?”

“Yes,” I said without hesitation. In my heart, I didn’t want to leave Soarin’ without something to hope for. In my head, Bronze’s coaching about being direct and putting them on the back hoof came to mind. Now was the only time.

Pa grumbled. He sat up and gave the gem lamp a half-turn, enough to light the room without making them see stars. I could see all their old wedding photos, the hoof-crafted dressers, knickknacks from their life, and all the familiarities of my foalhood. Bronze’s carving of me was on my mother’s bedside table.

Ma sat up and set her eye mask next to her. “Braeburn, is this about our little disagreement earlier?”

I shook my head. “No, Ma. This is about us. All of us. That includes Bronze and Soarin’.” I was still gathering my thoughts – and there were a lot of them – but I didn’t want to just start yelling at them. I had to be direct and controlled. “So I wanna know the honest truth: what do you think? Of me, of Soarin’, all of this.”

The air was thick, like I was breathing in gelatin. Neither of them said anything.

I nodded at them. “Let me have it. I’ll try not to get steamed up.”

Ma grimaced. “Braeburn, this is a lot to ask, especially so late at–”

Pa cut in. “You’re being foolish.”

“Cortland!”

Pa turned his head to her. “He’s a grown stallion, Gal, and he asked for the truth. This ain’t the time to sweep things under the rug.”

Ma looked back and forth between us, and I explained, “I meant what I said, Ma. Don’t hold back.”

Her jaw clenched and relaxed. “I’ve said my piece, Braeburn. I don’t know much about two stallions loving each other, but… I can get past that. Eventually. I’m trying. Really. But I’m disappointed in you, Braeburn!” Her voice rose again a little, and Pa set a hoof on her withers to calm her down. “I don’t want a son of mine just… galvanting about, picking up whoever looks at him nice.” She shook her head. “And just tossing folks away when you’re done with ‘em! Bronze is a gentlestallion, Braeburn, and I’m disappointed you don’t seem to see that.”

Pa flinched. I looked away.

Ma went stiff. “What? What did I say?”

Pa’s gaze fell. “Gal, Soarin’ said that… He told me that Bronze is no saint.”

“What’s that mean?” Ma pleaded. She poked Pa with a twitching hoof. “Cort, you’re scaring me. What do you mean?”

Pa looked up at me, and I sighed. Is it strange that I drew strength from Bronze, even as I told my mother how horrible he’d been? “Bronze was violent with me, Ma.”

I wasn’t ready for the look she gave me, how it looked like her whole face just shattered. “What do you mean?”

I shrugged. My mind went back to the moments after Bronze had pummeled me. I felt detached. I let the words flow out of me without feeling, because that’s the only way I could get them out. “He hit me. There were three different occasions. Black eyes, bruised ribs. He’s, uh, he’s the reason–” The numbness burned away, and I fought through the pain that surged back into me. “Did AJ tell you I had a broken leg during the rodeo?”

Realization hit my mother’s face, and she crumpled, burying her face in her duvet. But she looked up again immediately. “Braeby, I’m so sorry.” She made a move to stand up.

But I held up a hoof. “It ain’t time for hugs yet, Ma.” That stopped her cold, but both of them must have known I was right.

Pa held her. His voice was shaky and quiet. “Why didn’t you tell us, son? Why did I have to hear it from Soarin’?”

“Heh, because he can’t keep his mouth shut.” I chuckled bitterly and blinked away a tear. I folded my forelegs across my chest. Everything felt tight. There were a million off-ramps, and I could have ended the conversation at any point if I’d wanted to. Hell, a big part of me did want to, but I remembered that Soarin’ needed to see that things could get better. I kept going, and I was willing to tell them what they needed to hear, even if it hurt them. “It was hard, Pa. I felt alone. I felt like Bronze was all I had. And to be fair–” I made eye contact. “–would we even be having this conversation if it weren’t for him?”

Ma shook her head. “Braeburn, you don’t owe that monster a thing.”

“It ain’t that simple, Ma.” My jaw quivered as I thought about the last few weeks of my life. “Nothin’ is. I wish it was, but it’s all confusing. Might always be, who knows? But Bronze was–” I choked up. Thinking about Bronze in the past tense, like he was gone, still gutted me. “Bronze has been an important part of my life for almost a year. He’s helped me more than anypony has, save for the two of you and maybe, maybe Big Mac. I… I didn’t wanna lose him. But he walked out on me, because he wanted something I couldn’t give him. And…” I shook my head. “And I made mistakes, too.”

There was a long, drawn-out silence.

Ma held onto Pa. Her tone took on a slight edge. “This is why we were worried, Braeburn, ever since you told us you were gay.”

My jaw clenched. “Ma, what right do you have to be angry?” I felt my voice rising, and I imagined Soarin’ hugging me from behind to calm down. “I told you both the truth. The truth! I wanted you to be a part of my life, my relationships, the ponies I care about.” I gestured big with my hooves, just to get the energy out. “But you didn’t like that! Couldn’t accept it! Couldn’t accept me, and you were really surprised that I stayed away in Appleloosa for so long?”

Pa mumbled, “We weren’t angry, Braeburn.”

“Sure as hell looked different to me.”

“We were scared.”

I pursed my lips. “Scared you wouldn’t get grandfoals? Scared your neighbors would gossip?”

“Scared you wouldn’t be happy, son. Scared you were inexperienced, and you’d make bad decisions.” He looked me up and down. “And, well, were we right?”

That shut me up.

“Braeburn, look at yourself.” His voice found its sternness. “Your private life is national news. You seem miserable. Hell, Bronze seemed to be the only thing that could make you smile in the past four years, and it turns out that was a mistake, too!”

I snapped. “It wasn’t a mistake, Pa! I loved him!” Truthfully, I don’t know whether I said “love” or “loved.”

Ma cut in. “But you don’t know how to handle yourself! How long have you known this Soarin’ fellow, anyway?”

I snorted and cast my glance away. “Two weeks.”

“Two weeks!” she shout-whispered. “Two weeks with this guy, and you’re already abandoning your home with him.”

Pa’s jaw was tight. “This is why we’re scared, Braeburn. You’re making bad decisions. We want to protect you, son, but we can’t, not from all this.” He gestured wide. “You’re young, and you get hot-headed and love-drunk.” He shook his head. “And you don’t seem happy, Braeburn. These stallions you choose to be with: beating you and dragging you around the country. Son, I know you, and that’s not what you need. We’re scared because you don’t know how to manage yourself.”

My conversation with Pridesong came back to me. “And whose fault is that?” They didn’t respond, so I continued. “Y’all, you think I don’t wish I could’ve had some experience with all this? You know how queer ponies were treated when I was younger, right? And I’ve heard you say nasty things about how odd they are, even if you don’t remember it. I never got the chance to date and be young and make mistakes.”

Ma faltered. “You were always so busy.”

“I was hiding, Ma! I was hiding in my work, like always, so nopony would ask questions.” My high school life came back to me. “Didn’t you think it was weird that Pennywhistle and I didn’t last? Or how I kept insisting that Bismark should go on trips with us? He wasn’t just my friend, Ma. I liked him. I liked him a lot, and he’ll never know it!”

She shrunk further. "We didn't know," she whispered.

I sighed. "Or maybe you didn't want to know. Lemme ask you this: did you suspect it?" My parents stared at me. Their silence already told me the answer, but I needed to hear them say it. "Be honest. Did you know I was gay?"

Pa swallowed and cleared his throat. "We wondered. But we didn't want to question it."

My shoulders felt tight. "Well, now you know why I didn't want to tell you, either. Why I don't tell you things." I looked out the window. "It hurts too much to say."

They looked out the window, too. The stars shone brightly out there, beautiful, but behind the glass and out of reach.

Ma whimpered, "We don't want you to ruin your life Braeburn. All this nonsense with the media? We can't protect you from it. We won't be able to save you if it keeps spiraling out of control." She was near tears.

I thought back to Honeycrisp's, how I'd felt with her. There was a hole in my stomach when I realized how long it had been since I’d felt that way with my parents, and I understood why. "I don't need saving, Ma." I unfolded my forelegs. "I just need to know that you'll still love me. That you'll still be there for me even when things don't go your way."

Pa's lip quivered. "You're breaking our hearts, son. Of course we will be."

My body felt hollow. I realized what it had come down to, why I’d stayed away for so many years. Why we’d lost all that time and all those memories that could have been happy. I looked right at them and stated plainly, "But you weren't."

It was so quiet, you could hear ice melt.

My chest felt tight. Breathing got difficult. "You weren't there when I told you I'm gay.” My voice cracked. “You weren't there when we started drifting apart." I thought of Bronze, how he never let fate take hold of his life, how he struggled and grit his teeth and never stopped looking for what he wanted. I felt so small compared to him. "All three of us, we just let it happen. I… I don't want it to happen. I want to feel like you'll always love me again." My breath shuddered. The truth rolled out of me like a thick fog. “And right now, I don’t.”

Tears landed with a swift pat-pat on my parents’ comforter. Ma was shaking. Pa couldn’t take his eyes from me.

I just sat there, waiting for them, like always.

Pa took a breath. His jaw was quivering. He instinctively reached for a cigar that wasn’t there. It was like he was afraid to blink. “We’re sorry, son. We’re really, really sorry.”

My cheeks were wet, too. “Me, too, Pa. I’m sorry, too.”

Squeezing Pa’s hoof, Ma asked, “Can it be time for hugs n–”

“Yes,” I squeaked, cutting her off and standing up. They didn’t waste any time, either, and they embraced me on both sides. They kissed my cheeks in turn, and we held each other close. It felt like a tripod, like any one of us letting go would make the whole thing collapse, so we held on tight.

My parents’ breath smelled like stew and toothpaste. Pa needed a shave, and Ma’s neck was real sweaty. Her mane was all out of sorts, and Pa’s shoulder still had a small bump where an old injury had scarred over. They tried a couple times to say something, but they gave up when all they could do was mumble over each other. We held on like that until my forelegs started to cramp. When we pulled apart, I could still smell cigar smoke and perfume in my mane. It smelled familiar, and I didn’t want it to leave.

We didn’t… solve everything that night. It felt like we solved very little. I can say one thing, though: my parents and I were honest with each other. I knew I could talk to them again, even in the middle of the night during a giant scandal. They’d shown me that much. They were willing to rebuild. Again. No matter how many times it took. I promised myself I’d tell them personally the next time I had big news. Despite the sad circumstances, I would keep that promise.

We all took a deep breath, and I centered myself. “I think that’s the big stuff. Sorry for botherin’ you late at night.”

Ma shook her head. “You’re never a bother, Braeburn. Thank you for telling us.”

I nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll… I’ll try to keep it up.”

I started to turn, but Pa grunted. I looked at him. “Yeah?”

His cheeks were tight. “Don’t worry. It’s…”

I finished for him. “It’s not nothin’, Pa. Please don’t be like that.”

He sighed. “Are you happy, Braeburn? With Soarin’. Does he make you happy?”

I set my hoof down and pondered. My gaze went to the door, and I thought about my Big Blue, waiting for me to know I was okay. I thought about our dates, Las Pegasus, even the way he kept me company at the motel. And I spoke honestly. “I don’t know.”

Pa deflated. Ma put a hoof on his shoulder.

I looked back at them. “Thing is, I’m still broken up about Bronze. I don’t know what’s going to happen next, and we barely have a plan, but Soarin’ is taking care of me. Soarin’, well, he knows what he’s doin’, at least as much as anypony can in this situation.” Two weeks of memories flooded my brain. “And he brings me joy.” A smile crept across my face. “Joy like I’ve never known. He’s passionate and vibrant and with an energy like a colt’s. I like him. I like him a lot, and… I wanna see where this goes, because…” I closed my eyes and felt the words as much as I said them. “I’ve never felt quite like this about anypony. Not even Bronze.” I chuckled to myself. “And he’s sleepin’ with me tonight. We both need it.”

I looked back at Pa. He wasn’t quite smiling, but the tension had left his face. “We won’t stop wanting to protect you, Braeburn, even from your own mistakes.”

I shrugged. “Well, like it or not, I’m a grown stallion, and these choices are mine to make. Even if they are mistakes. Especially if they’re mistakes. I have to learn about it all, too.”

Pa nodded. “I can respect that. You just be sure to come back safe, okay?”

“I will, Pa.”

Ma took a step forward. “We’ll do better, Braeby.” She sniffed in a little breath. It was painful for her to say. “Next time you come home, we’ll do better. We’ll make sure you know that you’re loved with all of our hearts.”

They would keep their promise, too.

I smiled, and a weight fell off my back. “Love you guys, too. Good night.”

“Good night, Braeby.”

“Good night, son.”

My body was more tired than after a double-shift plowing the fields. My mind was, too, but in a good way. It was quiet inside my head on that walk back to my bedroom. And when I got there, I was met with a blue pegasus who needed a cuddle, and after a few words to let us both know we were okay, we drifted off to sleep. Together.

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[Just-A-Micro]

All I can say is Damn