THIS STORY IS GARBAGE, I'M REALLY EMBARASSED BY IT.
READ IT IF YOU WISH BUT BE WARNED THAT IT'S TERRIBLE.
Violet is a young unicorn mare who lives in Whinnyapolis, Equestria. She lives a fairly usual life besides the fact that she has an over the top strict and male hating mother. When Violet gets a boyfriend and keeps it a secret from her mother, her mother soon discovers the truth and is enraged, she murders her boyfriend while also knocking out Violet. Violet is then sent to a large home with other mares where she is to become a sister, Violet finds out that this place is much worse than her home, so she must escape.
Chapters (4)
I'm usually against these kind of stories that go against the friendly nature of the show, but this one has me truly intrigued as to what's going to happen next.
Though, I do have some criticisms as to how you can improve. For instance their are a couple of grammatical errors dotted across the chapter. Such as, when you write " Yeah, I might as well tell you since Bulge said that everyone in the school knows". There should be a comma in-between you and since. It's not a huge issue, and there's certainly worse grammar out there, but little errors like that do add up.
Moreover, I would have recommended having description about the characters and what their lives are like before showing them in dialogue. Also, the description that is there is very minimal, I would have liked to have known more about them. That being said, you often repeat information, or state information that the reader can easily infer for themselves. such as when you state that Violet as forgotten something both in the dialogue and the description, you only needed to state this once. Or, when you state the specific reason for why the bully was expelled. This is a common mistake that new writers, especially myself, make when they're just starting out. Just try to remember that your readers can think for themselves, thus you don't need to constantly state the obvious
However, overall, this is an excellent first story, and I can't wait to see what happens next, keep up the good work :).
9116339
Thanks very much for your thoughts. I re-written the first chapter and changed a few things up that you suggested, as I agreed to them.
I'm glad to hear you'll be sticking around for the rest of the story. As I said in the authors note, each chapter will be darker than the last.
Thank you ^^
There are some instances where “2” should be replaced by “two”. Unless the number being used is of great importance to the story or in a name (like R2-D2), the word is usually the correct way to say it.
9116697
Ok, will change it now. Thanks for letting me know.
Other than grammatical errors, what did you think of the actual story and characters?
Hmm.
Yeah... I’m going to have to collect my thoughts on this one.
Expect a more in depth comment coming soon.
9116836
I’m enjoying it so far. I like the characters and I like the explanation as to why the mom hates stallions. I also like how the small romance had time to build on itself according to a couple of hints and I like how the characters in the romance have a legitimate reason to hide all of this. I’m looking forward to the story’s continuation, I can’t wait to see what happens next!
9117116
Ok, I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts. I'm glad my story was able to make you think.
9117847
Thank you very much ^^
I'm glad you enjoy what I intended to make ^^
9118475
I'll try to get it to you soon enough! Expect an extensive PM/comment from me in like a week or something. I'm terribly busy, but I try!
9118506
It's cool, take your time. I'm really looking forward to reading it :)
9118476
You’re welcome
There's only one more chapter then? Well, I guess I'll be able to give you a full PM review pretty soon then! If it's going to be that short of a tale, it won't be a problem to wait until it wraps up.
The implication of horse nuns is part of why I came here, since it's one of the ideas I liked! The new setting is interesting too, but it's criminal it will only be here for one chapter.
You develop and introduce some interesting ideas, and are new to writing. You also appear very productive! All of these are really good things to see.
9120928
Thank you very much ^^
Oh my, this place is pretty creepy! Is this some kinda all female cult?
9132707
Technically, yes. It pretty much is a female cult.
9137017
It’s pretty creepy! But since that’s the intention, it’s kinda cool at the same time
9138712
I was going for a dark and disturbing tone for the end of chapter 2 and chapters 3 and 4.
Chapter 4 will be out in the very near future. Most likely towards the end of next week.
Does this story have a happy ending?
HOW IS THIS PLACE NOT SHUT DOWN?!?!?! MOTHER CHARLOTTE NEEDS TO BE PUBLICLY MURDERED IN FRONT OF ALL EQUESTRIA. CHERRY BLOSSOM RIGHT NEXT TO HER. THAT PLACE NEEDS TO BE FUCKING NUKED!
I had this on the back burner waiting to be complete with a happy ending but I am fucking pissed at this.
Otherwise great story, excellent grammar and pacing, but shitty outcome. You get a follow but a dislike on this.
9165869
Obviously not
9165869
Read the story and you'll find out
9165886
I intended for this story to have a bad ending from the get go. Most stories have a happy ending to them, I wanted this one to be different. If all stories had a happy ending, then all stories would be too predictable.
I'm glad you feel passionate enough about my story to say that you want to murder Cherry and Mother Charlotte (I did intend for the audience to hate them), but I'm sorry that you left a dislike. Thanks for all the positive criticism though, I really do appreciate it.
I have stories with happy endings planned in the future, hope that'll make up for it ^^
9166982
Well I followed you so we'll see. Hell I mifht even share some ideas if you like
9167009
Sure, that'd be cool
9165869
No