Derpy Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap!)

by Unwhole Hole

Chapter 4: Birds and the Bees

It was dark by the time Derpy got home. It was not the fault of her appointment at the hospital, which had only gone until three; rather, like most days, she had gotten lost on the way back to her house.

Her house was small. Not modest: small. It only had one bedroom on the rickety second floor. Derpy herself slept on the couch. Or under the table, as the case may be. Seeing it late at night, one of the windows still blazing with dim light, made her sense of unease grow.

The doctor had said a great many things. Things that Derpy had understood perfectly and already known. That proper development of a foal required certain nutritional requirements, as well as plenty of rest and care. She fully comprehended the role of folic acid in development, and could calculate the exact number of calories that needed to be added to her diet. She also knew that there was no way she could afford those things. This visit to the hospital had already eaten a month’s muffin profits, and she strongly regretted going.

She wished it could be different. The only bad part of having a foal was the extreme pain associated with the actual birthing (especially for unicorns, which had pointy bits on their heads; this was something Derpy knew first-hoof). She was supposed to be happy. Yet she could not be, for reasons she wished she was not smart enough to understand.

Upon entering the house, Derpy paused to smell the scent of stale muffins that she had baked the night earlier. She set down her saddlebag, the contents of which were all that was left of her stall. To one side of her was a narrow staircase leading upward, and to her left was a small hall illuminated by dim gaslight. That was the hallway that Derpy went down, because it was the only one she could. Short of staying outside and sleeping in the garden. Which she had done, especially on days where she could not find the door to her home.

That hallway led to the kitchen. Derpy stopped, looking at the well-worn appliances. And at the table, where her daughter was sitting.

Sparkler looked up from her books. Her mouth was stuffed with cereal, the sort that normally consisted of something very similar to boxboard mixed with a small number of marshmallows. Except that Derpy could not afford the kind with marshmallows, so it was just the other bits. As per usual, Sparkler had separated the almost-letter shaped pieces and alphabetized them.

“Hey,” said Derpy.

Sparkler swallowed. “Hay is for horses.”

“Do we have any?”

Sparkler pointed. There was, indeed, hay, stacked next to the icebox and the muffin-flavoring cabinet. Derpy looked at it with a pang of sadness. It was new. Sparkler had bought it, with her own money.

Derpy sighed and walked over to the hay. She proceeded to start eating it. Her life had not yet come to the point where she would have to graze in the fields outside of town, but now that she had a muffin in the oven that would probably become necessary.

Sparkler pushed aside the book she was reading. A large but battered textbook, one that bore the Golden Oaks Library insignia on its spine. Sparkler was still on the first part of it, the same part she had been for weeks. She was up late each night studying- -but never got very far. She was almost entirely incapable of reading.

“Mom?”

“Whuf?” Derpy’s mouth was fully of hay. “Nuffing’s wong.”

“I didn’t say anything was wrong. It’s just that you hate raw hay.”

Derpy swallowed. “Well…I…it…” she sighed, and lowered her head.

Sparkler put her hoof on her mother’s shoulder and smiled. Derpy remembered when Sparkler had been tiny, but now she was slightly taller, although she still had the gangliness of a teenager. Because she was one. Sparkler smiled, and the braces on her teeth were visible. Braces she had not needed for at least six years, but that Derpy could not afford to have removed.

“Is it something you want to talk about?”

“No.”

“Well too bad. If you don’t get it out, you’re not going to sleep. Then you’ll fall asleep in the muffin mix again. Do you remember what happened the last time?”

Derpy nodded, feeling ashamed. “I woke up with blueberries in my ears. And…other places.”

“Exactly. So come on.”

Sparkler led her mother to the living room. It was a small room filled with various chairs that Derpy had managed to find on the sides of various roads. Sparkler had, of course, cleaned each and every one and then set up the room so that all furniture was organized by color. It took on the appearance of a sallow, grimy rainbow.

Derpy sat in her favorite chair- -and Sparkler’s least favorite, because it was plaid and that defied categorization by color- -and Sparkler sat on an ottoman across from her.

“So,” said Sparkler, levitating a glass of milk to her mother. Milk that she had no-doubt bought herself, Derpy was sure, using what was left of her meager earnings from working at the local diner that were not already spent on hay. Derpy took it and looked at it. She could see her reflection in the top. She looked pale, but that might just have been the milk being white.

Derpy produced a muffin and began to eat it slowly. Sparkler watched patiently.

“I’m preggers.”

Sparkler stared, wide-eyed. “You’re pregnant.” It was not so much a question as a statement.

Derpy cringed. “Please don’t yell at me and call me names!”

“Mom, why would I do that?” Sparkler looked hurt.

“Because that’s what my dad did when I was pregnant with you.” She sighed and looked at the few shreds of carpet that made up her floor. “Then he threw me out.” She looked up. “You’re not going to throw me out, are you?”

“I’m not going to yell at you. And I’m not going to get angry. And I can’t throw you out because you own this house, not me. Not that I would want to anyway.” She sighed and put her hoof against the bridge of her nose. Derpy cringed again. When Sparkler did that, it meant that she was thinking. Her unicorn mind was vast- -much vaster than Derpy’s, anyway- -and her thoughts were oddly organized. But it still took time for her to process things.

“You ARE mad at me.”

“No. This isn’t something to get mad about. I’m going to have a little sister, or brother, and I’m going to love and cherish the heck out of the little filly or colt.”

“Or cockerel or pullet,” mumbled Derpy.

“What- -never mind. I don’t want to know. Nor do I want to know how this happened in the first place. I really, REALLY don’t want a description. But other than that, I’m really happy.”

Derpy waited for it.

“BUT,” said Sparkler, her eyes growing stern. “This makes everything a lot harder.”

Derpy closed her eyes. “I know, I know,” she said, nearly on the verge of tears. “I can barely support the two of us, let alone send you to school next year- -and now I’m going to have a baby- -”

“Forget about school, I just won’t go.”

Derpy gasped. “But you HAVE to!”

“No, because the only way you’re going to manage this is if we’re both working. It doesn’t matter if I can’t read, I’ll get by.”

“But- -”

“It’s a moot point anyway. There’s no way we’re going to be able to pay for the school, or for secondary education anyway. Especially not taking care of a baby.”

Derpy lowered her head. She herself had spent almost a decade in college, first at university and then in graduate school, and it had been the best time in her life. She had hoped to give Sparkler the same opportunity. Doing so would require a remedial school, of course (as the town only had a one-room elementary school that lacked the equipment necessary), but it had been Derpy’s dream to see her daughter graduate from college.

“Even then,” said Sparkler, rapidly recalculating their household budget based on averages of ordinary consumables, “we probably wouldn’t have enough money anyway. Not with my current job.” She paused, but did not seem to find a solution. She sighed. “This is a tough one.”

Derpy curled up on her moldering plaid couch. “I just don’t know what went wrong…”

Sparkler raised an eyebrow. “Are you just saying that, or do you seriously not know?”

Derpy looked at her, confused. “What don’t I know?”

“You know.” Sparkler paused, but saw that, as per usual, Derpy was not getting it. “Where foals come from?”

“My mom said a stork brought them.”

“So…you have a stork in your uterus?”

Derpy gasped and looked at her belly. “How did it get in there?”

Sparkler groaned and put her hoof over her face. “You know, I always imagined we’d have to have this talk eventually, but I always figured it would go the other way.”

“What talk?”

Sparkler sighed and sat back, leaning against the armrest of a hideously olive-green sofa. “Right. Before you go to bed, let’s talk about the birds and the bees.”

“I love birds!” cried Derpy. “But bees are a bunch of meanies! It’s not my fault that their bee-juice tastes so good…” She trailed off as she suddenly became aware of what Sparkler was saying. It, in fact, had nothing to do with birds or bees- -unless cute griffons counted as birds.

Derpy blushed a shade of scarlet.

“No!” she cried. “No, no, I don’t want to know! You can’t make me!”

She began to run, trying to get to the stairs. She did not get far. In seconds, she felt herself being lifted off the ground by a plume of blue light. Derpy cried out and struggled, flapping her wings hard, but it was too late and Sparkler’s magic was too strong. There was no escape.

“NOOOOOO! I don’t want to know!” she wailed, even as she was pulled back into her chair.

“Two PhDs and you don’t know this,” groaned Sparkler. “Right. Pegasus version. When a mare sees a stallion who she thinks is attractive, her wings spread out. Then he grabs them and holds on tight…”

The conversation finished. By the time it had, Derpy no longer needed to be held by magic. She had instead curled up into the fetal position in a pool of her own tears.

“My innocence,” she squeaked. “My innocence is gone…”

“You know I was born, right?” said Sparkler. “As in, you’ve gone through this before. Twice, actually?”

“I feel so dirty…”

“Yeah, that’s pretty normal.” Sparkler levitated a blanket over Derpy. “Just be glad I didn’t have to explain to you the unicorn version. Horn-rubbing is involved.”

Derpy shuddered, momentarily wondering how her daughter was an expert in all of this.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“There’s nothing to apologize for.” Sparkler tucked her in. “I’m on night-shift at the diner tonight. I’ll be back by eleven in the morning, okay?”

Derpy nodded. “Okay.”

Comments

[Unwhole Hole]

9108896
It has to be a glitch. It's two chapters with a pun for a title. I guess the algorithm likes puns?

[Opium4TmassS]

Im glad your work is getting known. You write really good stories.

[Thatsnoreason]

Derpy shuddered, momentarily wondering how her daughter was an expert in all of this.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“There’s nothing to apologize for.” Sparkler tucked her in. “I’m on night-shift at the diner tonight. I’ll be back by eleven in the morning, okay?”

I really hope the night shift Sparkler took doesn't impart that kind of expertise.

[The Lurker]

Please stop confusing my emotions!

[AppleTank]

the hell did she get two PhDs in?