Derpy Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap!)

by Unwhole Hole

Chapter 24: Getting the Mail

Derpy actually nearly passed Spoiled. Of course, her eyes were occupied with different things, largely because the muscles meant to focus them were almost completely atrophied despite numerous surgeries to try to fix the damage. Although she missed Spoiled, though, she saw a newt. That, she assumed, was auspicious. Had she looked closer, she would have seen that for just a moment, the newt was violet and had both a violet horn and a cutie mark consisting of three crystals. And that it vanished in after several seconds, leaving a trail of flame behind it.

After getting lost again, Derpy began to find her way to her second destination for the day. This particular destination was Spoiled Rich’s house. She intended to bring her boss muffins to apologize for having quit. Derpy was quite proud of what she had been able to accomplish- -what with Rainbow Dash and the twin ponies she had seen in the bushes outside her house and in the trees near Fluttershy’s house very, very dead (as well as the mayor, but Derpy had forgotten about that one by now). Still, the job was no longer necessary. Such a situation required apology muffins. Because EVERY situation required muffins of some kind.

Upon approaching Rich Manor, though, Derpy spied Parcel Post, the town’s young- -and only- -mail pony (and one of the only male ponies). He was struggling up the hill with a large, heavy looking box labled with numerous stickers reminding him that it was fragile and not to be tilted.

“Hi there!” said Derpy.

Parcel Post squealed. It was not at all a dignified sound for a pony. “I can’t do it!” he squeaked. “I can’t, I just can’t!”

“Oh my. Is it too heavy?”

“NO! I- -I can’t go there! Not to HER! I just can’t!” He collapsed, shaking, into the fetal position. “She…she throws bits at me…and tries to grab my flank…and I’m the only mailpony, so I don’t have any superiors to report the harassment to!”

“Oh. That sounds terrible.”

“It is,” he sniffled.

Derpy picked up the package. It was indeed heavy, but not too heavy for her. “I’m headed that way anyway. I can take it.”

“You- -you can?!” Parcel Posts’s face lit up, but then he grew dismayed. “But…you’re not qualified for mail delivery…”

Derpy set the box on her back and set her muffin box on top of it. “I was a military courier for twenty years,” she said. “I’ve been delivering mail since before you were born.”

“You- -you were?”

Derpy smiled and nodded. “I’d still be there, too, but I got a shrapnel in my head.” She pointed to her face, and her eyes that looked in different directions. “There’s so much metal in my brain that I can feel when anypony opens their refrigerator! Because of the- -” She suddenly stiffened, and her ears pricked.

“What is it?”

“Berryshine just opened her ice box. She’s out of milk.”

“Wow. You can tell that?”

Derpy nodded. “And sometimes I can see tall, ghostly alicorns performing experiments on ponies. There’s one behind you right now…with a saw…”

Parcel Post blanched and looked behind him. Seeing nothing, though, he began to retreat. He hated coming to this house anyway, and although Derpy was being very generous, she scared him.

He left, and Derpy continued, humming as she climbed the hill and hopped over the electrified fence that was meant to keep ponies like her out- -but only after touching the fence twice to learn that it was, in fact, electrified, and licking it once just to be sure.

When she reached the door, she rang the bell, and it sounded with a distinct “DING DONG”.

Derpy gasped. “What did you call me?”

She pressed the bell again. It responded with the same “DING DONG”.

“How dared you!” squealed Derpy. “I dare you to say that again!”

Another press. “DING DONG”.

“Oh, well two can play at that game! You’re- -you’re- -a BELL! HA! How do you like that?”

She pressed the button again- -except that this time the door was already open, and she instead booped Diamond Tiara’s nose.

“Don’t touch me, weirdo,” said Diamond Tiara, pushing away Derpy’s hoof.

“But it called me a ding dong!”

“Because you are one.”

“Oh.”

Diamond Tiara looked up at her, and her expression suddenly became distant. “Ah,” she said.

“Ah?”

“Yeah.” Diamond Tiara sighed. “I know why you’re here.”

“You do?” Derpy paused, finding that she herself had forgotten. “Why?”

“Mom ordered you to kill me. Because I’m a fat and ugly failure.” She sat down, spread her hooves, and closed her eyes. “Try to make it quick. And don’t you dare touch my face, I want an open casket. Not that anypony will come, anyway. They’re all too busy or hate me.”

“Diamond Tiara?” Filthy Rich appeared behind her. “What are you doing?”

“Making your and mom’s lives better.”

“Oh. Well. Could you close the door? You’re letting the cold air out.” He looked up and saw Derpy. “Oh! There’s a pony here! Come in, come in!”

He gestured for Derpy to come in, and Derpy did so, derping the whole while.

“My, what’s that on your back? And why does it smell so good?”

“I made muffins!” Derpy produced the box, and Filthy gasped.

“I love muffins!”

“So do I!”

Derpy gave the box to Filthy, and was glad. She also took down the other box, the one that she had taken from Parcel Post.

“And this is your mail.”

“Oh, I had no idea you were working for the post office! My, I thought the air-mail operation wouldn’t be hiring for at least two months!” Filthy took the box, and gasped. “I know what this is! Diamond, this is for you!”

“For me?!” Diamond Tiara looked confused. “Presents?”

“Indeed it is! I’m so sorry I missed your birthday again, so…”

“So you’d buy my affection with fancy gifts? Oh daddy, I love you!”

“I love you too my little diamond! Here! Open it!”

Diamond Tiara tore at the tape that held the cardboard box closed, and then popped it open. At first, nothing happened, and then thin, pale, gray-colored pony poked her head out of the box, blinking and squinting against the light.

“Oh my Celestia! You got me a PONY!”

“I know, isn’t she adorable! And surprisingly affordable, too!” Filthy produced a pair of glasses and a pearl necklace. He slid the glasses onto the young filly’s face, and then dropped the pearls on her. “There! And now she’s not naked!” He chuckled. “I know I’m not always there for you, so I’d figure I’d get you a friend of your very own!”

The silver filly blinked, confused and terrified. Diamond Tiara pulled her out of the box. “Hey. Do you want to watch me play with dolls?”

The silver filly’s eyes lit up. “Sure,” she said, softly. The two ran off into the mansion.

Derpy watched them go, confused. “So…am I a mother now?”

“I wouldn’t overthink it,” said Filthy.

“Oh, don’t worry. I don’t overthink anything at all.”

Filthy just shrugged. Then, he slowly began to realize that Derpy was in his house. Filthy was not exactly the fastest pony in Ponyville, either physically or mentally. He was the richest.

“Where are my manners!” he exclaimed.

“I think we’re in one of them,” replied Derpy. “And it’s an awfully nice manor.”

“No, I mean, do you want to come in?”

Derpy derped in his general direction. “Is Spoiled home?”

“Not at the moment.” Filthy paused, stroking his chin. “It’s very unusual for her to get visitors, though. I can’t fathom why, she’s an absolute angel. Are you her friend?”

“Yes. And I also work for her.”

Filthy raised a bushy eyebrow. “Work? What kind of work?”

“I’m her backdoor mare.”

The other eyebrow went up. Then Filthy shrugged. “Well, Spoiled always did have strange tastes. It’s why she married me!” Filthy laughed at his own joke while Derpy tried to comprehend it. “And it’s not cheating if it’s with a mare! Ha! Well, come in, come in! We can compare notes!”

Derpy smiled and derped her way into his foyer. As she did, though, she spied something. A display case, one laid out proudly amongst various pottery and decorative items (and a truly massive picture of Filthy, Spoiled, and Diamond Tiara, placed at the top of the stairs and clearly executed by an earth-pony as it was not very good).

It was the display case that caught Derpy’s eye. She trotted over to it and saw that it was full of rings. But not just any rings.

“Those are unicorn-league hoofball championship rings!”

“Good eye!” Filthy joined her. “A gift from my lovely wife, of course, and something I’m quite proud of. My father took me to that game when I was just a colt.” He sighed. “He was a very busy pony, and early on, we didn’t have all that much money yet. But that day, he made time. It’s one of my most beloved memories of him. I think Spoiled knows that, in her own way.”

“Is this the ’71 championship?”

“Yes it is. All rings from that year. Except one.”

Derpy reached into her messy blond hair and fished around for a moment. Then, after some searching, she produced a ring. She paused for a moment, distantly aware that having a ring in her hair meant there might also be a horn to wear it on (and consequently the possibility that she was, in actuality, a derpicorn), but that did not matter so much.

When Filthy saw the ring, he gasped and let out a slight cry. “Why, that’s the last one! Where in Equestria did you get it?!”

“From the pony who won it.” Derpy paused, then let out a sigh. “And if what Sparkler told me about where foals come from is true, there’s a good chance he’s her father.” She paused again. “He said my eyes were cute…but…he didn’t ever come back.” Derpy looked at Filthy. “Do you think he was lying? That if I had more surgeries, he might come back?”

Filthy hugged her. “I think if he hasn’t come back yet, it’s his loss.” He released her. “So. Do you follow hoofball?”

“Of course! I even used to pay Pegasus-league in college! They used to call me Ditzy Butterhooves! And it was true! Because I kept getting them stuck in things, so we needed a ton of bubber.”

“Well then, how about you stay for lunch! We’d have so many things to talk about!”

“Oh, I couldn’t do that. I tend to break things.”

“Nonsense! You can wait for Spoiled to come back, and Diamond Tiara and her new friend can join us.”

“Well, that little pony did look a little thin.”

“Oh no, Diamond is quite fat for her age. But that’s okay, she’s five. She’ll grow out of it, just like Spoiled did.” Filthy gasped with an idea. “Do you want to see Spoiled’s baby pictures? They’re just adorable!”

“Sure! I love babies!”

The two of them walked off together.

Outside, though, death awaited Derpy. In the form of Flim and Flam.

Flam shook his head. “We should have run. I don’t like this.”

“And have her ruin our fine reputations with her dirty lies?”

“Brother. It would hardly be the first time we’ve been run out of a town. We could probably even make it out without being tarred and feathered this time. These ponies seem more kind than most.”

“Which is exactly why we need to stay. After all, don’t forget, we just poured all the money we had into a property here! I even had to snuggled a Pegasus!”

“I thought I was the one who snuggled her…”

Both of them looked at each other. Neither was actually sure which one had done that. At this point, they had become largely indistinguishable.

“It doesn’t matter who we snuggled.”

“Do you think we could snuggle her?”

“Spoiled? NO! Are you daft?”

“No, I mean the gray one. She’s kind of hot.”

“Agreed. But unless you intend to snuggle her to death, we don’t have the time.”

“True, true.”

Flam held up a net. “Here’s the plan. When she comes down the path, I’ll throw this on her. Then you beat her with a stick.”

“Why do I have to be the one with the stick?”

“Because I’m older. I have seniority.”

“By half a minute! And I’M the older one!”

Flam rolled his yes. “Did you get the stick?”

Flim nodded and held it up. It was a tiny, narrow, green twig, the sort of thing that one would sag badly if one tried to roast marshmallows with it.

“What is that?”

“It’s a stick!”

“For what?! Are you going to caress her rump with it?”

“I thought you said we didn’t have time to snuggle her!”

“YOU were the one who said that!”

“I did?”

Flam face-hooved. “You couldn’t get a stick that’s a little, perhaps, larger?”

“Larger? Do you know how hard it was to get this without a horn?!”

“An earth-pony could have gotten a larger stick!”

“Do I look like an earth-pony to you?!”

“Without your horn, YES!”

Just then, something appeared in their peripheral vision. Flim cried out in surprise and threw the net. It landed on something- -and promptly vaporized. Whatever they had caught was certainly not a derped Pegasus, although they were not sure exactly what they had caught- -or failed to. Neither of them had the perception necessary to see the glow of the unicorn blasting her way across dimensions, hurtling through time and spaced based on purified alicorn virginity.

Sparkler materialized beside Flim and on both sides of Flam, vibrating at the speed of light. The smell of fried food filled the air. Also ozone, and something vaguely like a rental car (a byproduct of jumping across numerous realities and timelines).

“HIT HER WITH THE STICK!”

They had no chance to do so. Their plan to murder Derpy might have worked (although probably not), but Sparkler intervened. In an instant, Flim and Flam were no longer hiding in the bushes around Rich Manor. Instead, they found themselves somewhere else entirely.

They quickly realized that it was a kitchen. All the furniture was oddly tall, but this was not what either of them noticed. Instead, their eyes focused firmly on the starry rump of a violet unicorn dressed only in a frilly apron. She was standing in front of them, facing away- -and toward a precarious pile of opened and organized cook books.

“Okay,” said the young mare, levitating one of the thick volumes in her violet magic. “It says we need apple sherry…and something called ‘stallion oysters’. Hmm, I’ll have to cross reference…does that just mean male oysters? Because I’m pretty sure they’re hermaphrodites…”

The mare turned and eeped loudly when she saw the pair of tall stallions standing over her. Immediately, her eyes went to their foreheads. She gasped. “You’ve been uncorned!”

The twins smiled and were about to advance, when suddenly a large shadow was cast over them. They felt a presence, and their blood ran cold. Both Flim and Flam were both tall ponies- -far taller than most, even amongst unicorns- -but the pony now standing behind them dwarfed even them, both in height and in sheer girth of rump.

They looked up and saw a pair of massive wings suddenly become erect- -and a horn far longer and far harder than any that they had seen in their lives, or would again.

Both twins cried out and tried to run- - only to be trapped in a sudden surge of warm, vanilla-scented magic.

“Shh,” whispered a voice as an enormous pony head with hyperbolically large (and coldly terrifying) violet eyes leaned next to them. “You’ll flop the cake!”

Flim was weeping quietly, but Flam turned slowly, and his eyes moved from her vast rump to her enormous body. A body that was perfectly and entirely devoid of hair, that would no doubt lay greasy stains wherever it sat. This mare’s eyes met his, and she smiled.

“B…Bertha…” he wailed, instantly knowing his fate.

Comments

[MidnightFMare]

Indeed, Sunbutt would be a Bertha, or in fact, several