Derpy Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap!)

by Unwhole Hole

Chapter 22: Killing Derpy

So, Derpy went about her day, doing ordinary Derpy things, as she did each and every day. The first order of business was, of course, making the muffins, both in the euphemistic and literal senses of the phrase. Derpy made several flavors (although only in the literal sense) and packed them into a box. The only change that her newfound money brought was that Derpy was absolutely sure that these particular muffins would be enjoyed, and they would not suffer the insult of going stale (uneaten muffins were something that made Derpy cry). The reason was that she was not selling these particular muffins. With all her money, she could not give muffins as a gift.

As she left her house, though, she did not see the pair of black-clad stallions waiting in the bushes- -or the mare with them, who had learned that it had unfortunately become necessary to watch her employees. VERY closely.

“There she is,” whispered Spoiled, her voice dripping with hatred. “Well? Are you just going to sit here? Shoot her!”

“With what?” snapped Flam.

“With a gun!”

“We’re ponies!” retorted Flim. “Guns haven’t been invented yet!”

“Then use a crossbow! Or a regular bow!”

“We can’t. You can only use those things if you have MAGIC.”

“And you had our horns cut off!”

“Well SHE’S the one that did it! So shoot her! Shoot her now!”

“Shots! Shots! Shots!” chanted Derpy. Then she paused. “Wait…I’m pregnant. Sorry, I can’t have shots right now. Maybe later? How long does it take the foal to pop out?”

Spoiled and the twins ignored her. If they were to acknowledge the fact that Derpy saw them, the whole jig would be up and they would have to start all over. Derpy saw them- -the hedges were not all that thick, and Derpy had grown used to identifying ponies by scent alone. Spoiled had a very distinct aroma (she smelled spoiled), and Derpy could smell the familiar scent of fear from the twins. Still, not understanding, she shrugged and carried on.

“We won’t use a method so crude as arrows,” dismissed Flam when Derpy was ostensibly (but not actually) out of earshot.

“Not at all!” Flim smiled.

“Then what?!” hissed Spoiled.

Flim and Flam grinned in unison. “Poison.”

Derpy at that moment discovered a muffin in the middle of the road, sitting on a plate and looking delicious.

She gasped. “Ground muffin! GROUND MUFFIN!”

She then ate it, as well as part of the plate.

“Wait a minute- -that’s my fine china!” cried Spoiled.

“And a poisoned muffin.”

Derpy finished eating the muffin and licked her lips. “Mmm…poisonberry flavor!” She then began to wobble. “Oooh,” she moaned, growing pale. “That might have been a bad idea…”

Spoiled smiled. “Is there any way she’ll survive?”

“Oh no!”

“Guaranteed success!”

“Why, the only possible antidote is with an exceedingly complicated spell!”

“Even we wouldn’t be able to manage it, and by the time she gets to a doctor- -”

Derpy suddenly glowed with yellow magical light. She immediately perked up, and her hair poofed out on end. The paleness and wobbliness vanished, and she broke out into laughter.

“Stop! You’re tickling me!” She leaned back and patted her belly. “Oh, you!” She then picked up her box of muffins and continued to trot down the street, humming the Derpy song to herself.

Spoiled looked at Flim and Flam, who were both exceedingly confused.

“Well?”

“Well…no refunds!”

“Yes! We take no responsibility! We simply can’t give you any money back!”

“That would be no way to make money, none at all!”

“We’d be destitute!”

“And you signed the return agreement!”

“Enormous throbbing horn!”

Spoiled slapped them both. One of them enjoyed it.

“Sorry,” said Flam, rubbing the side of his face. “Force of habit.”

“Well I’m about to force a habit into a place where you don’t want anything forced,” snapped Spoiled. “Follow her! MAKE HER DEAD!”

Derpy continued to derp throughout town, and eventually into the outskirts to where there were nothing but apple trees and (supposedly) aggressive hillbillies. Then at some point she got lost and very nearly wandered into the EverFree Forest (where there was a magic striped pony, dampness, a weird demon-shrine to Nightmare Moon, and supposedly a house made entirely of muffins where the muffin-witch lived) but avoided it only because she tripped and rolled down a hill. At that point, she decided that it would just be easier to fly to her destination.

Flying only took a matter of minutes and only caused a few hundred bits in property damage. Derpy was quickly able to arrive at the doorstep of the terrifying hermit who lived on the edge of town. The smell of many, many cats filled the air. This was the house of the Fluttershy.

Derpy approached the door, mildly terrified. She had heard rumors that Fluttershy subsisted entirely on a diet of pony flesh. Not that she made pony steaks or pony burgers, but rather she just held them down and licked them. Supposedly, Fluttershy was the spawn of Satin herself, sired by the Pale Horse of death- -or at least so Derpy had been told.

Still, by the power of muffins, she knocked on the door. It was promptly answered- -by a spider so large that she had to look up to see its eyes (and its fangs, which were dripping with venom).

“Um…is Fluttershy home?”

The spider did not reply, as it was a spider and did not have a mouth apart from fangs. Yet, it leaned to one side, and Derpy saw a face- -but not Fluttershy’s.

“Fuzzy filly!” she cried upon seeing Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash blushed. “Oh. Hey.”

“You’re less dead than I thought you’d be!”

“Um…thanks? I guess I am pretty lively.”

“Is Fluttershy home?”

Rainbow Dash turned behind her. “Fluttershy! It’s for you! Mainly because it’s your house! And ponies get weirded out by having a giant spider answer your door!”

“Does she have any weapons?” squeaked a voice from inside the house.

“Hold on, I’ll check!” Rainbow Dash turned back to Derpy. “Do you have any weapons?”

“The only weapon I need is my body. My smooth, soft, muffin-scented body.”

Rainbow Dash’s wings extended suddenly. “Well, great,” she sighed. “Flutters! She’s got no weapon except her sexy body!”

“On a scale of one to ten?”

“Eh. Eight for the body, maybe seven in the face?”

“Woo-hoo!” cried Derpy. “Above five!”

“Alright.”

There was a sound of exceedingly soft hooves on hardwood, and Fluttershy appeared. The spider and Rainbow Dash moved out of the way, and Fluttershy looked out her door nervously. It was fortunate that Derpy had, though a lifetime of muffin-based gluttony, developed a titanium pancrease- -because seeing scared, vulnerable, young Fluttershy would otherwise have instantly given her diabetes. Far behind her, in fact, Flam suddenly doubled over from the surge in blood-sugar, nearly falling out of the tree he was hiding in.

“H…hello,” she said.

“Sorry,” sighed Rainbow Dash. “She’s been really nervous recently. Something made a sound in the woods, and it took me HOURS to convince her that somepony wasn’t trying to kill her. And it was probably just an animal- -”

“Oh no! It wasn’t an animal! An animal wouldn’t be that mean, that CRUEL! To scar me like that…but…” She took a deep breath. “You’re probably right. I need to be more confident, and feel safe to leave my cottage. Nopony was trying to kill me, that’s ridiculous.”

“Oh no. I definitly was.”

“You- -you what?”

“Yeah. Sorry. That was me. I was coming to assassinate you.”

“Like a donkey?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Yes. Extra messy, too. Catrillian necktie.”

Fluttershy’s eyes widened, and she squeaked in terror, realizing that she had been right- -every pony in all of Equestria was trying to murder her in the most bloody, brutal way possible, because all of Equestria hated her.

“You…you were…”

“Going to myrtle you. Real hard. But I didn’t, and now I don’t have to! Look!” Derpy opened the box of muffins. “See! Muffins!”

“Awe mane, free muffins!” cried Rainbow Dash, grabbing several and shoving them into her mouth. Derpy beamed, glad that her muffins were being enjoyed.

“But what if they’re poison!”

“Oh no, I already ate that one on accident,” said Derpy. “It tasted exactly like you’ expect. These are just ordinary, regular muffins. To say sorry for not finishing my job.”

“Um…apology…accepted?”

“Well it’s nice to meet you! If you need anything, just ask! Us Pegasusesses need to look out for each other! In fact, with all three of us, we could make a Derpy sandwich! With me being the Derpy!”

“GAH!” cried Rainbow Dash, her wings extending once again. She normally would have smooshed them down, but her hooves were full of muffins. Muffins that were probably not poisoned.

“I have to go now,” said Derpy, shaking hooves with the mute giant spider. “My daughter is jumping across time and space right now, so I need to put down sticky paper. A LOT of sticky paper.”

She turned to leave. Fluttershy faced Rainbow Dash, her adorable face filled with panic. “See! SEE! I told you! My life is in danger! I’m never leaving my house AGAIN!”

“Come on, Flutterbutter, you’re overreacting.”

“OOP!” Derpy slipped suddenly, landing on a trip line that Flim and Flam had set earlier. A well-disguised trap sprung, and a bent sapling covered in barbed, sharpened stakes suddenly slammed through where she had just been. Derpy tumbled, rolling over and nearly into a pit filled with jagged pieces of metal, and stood up just in time to avoid several poison-dipped arrows shot by a concealed crossbow linked to a pressure plate.

“Oh wow!” she said, turning and pointing to the traps. “Look at that! You were right! Somepony really IS trying to kill you!”

“Eeeeeeeeep,” moaned Fluttershy.

“Well, try not to die!” Derpy took off, suddenly veering and falling just in time to avoid a pair of tree trunks that slammed together over where she had just been moments before.

Fluttershy watched this, then glared at Rainbow Dash before going back inside.

“Fluttershy, come on- -”

“NO. It’s TOO DANGEROUS. I’m never leaving my house again.”

And it was, in fact, almost five years before she set hoof outside of her cottage even once. On that day, she would meet a purple unicorn who was at this time probably snuggling Celestia.

Spoiled Rich stood up just as Fluttershy slammed her door closed. “COME ON!” she screamed. “How in the name of Celestia’s furry bum did that not WORK?!”

“She’s good,” said Flam.

“REALLY good,” said Flim.

“And kind of hot.”

“I AM HOTTER!” shouted Spoiled. She put her hoof on her face and moaned. This was oddly hard; she might have expected too much from her hitmare. Sourcing one from the many available hicks of Ponyville had probably been a mistake. “Well. At least the next time the traps go off, it will probably take town that dirty horse Fluttershy.” She looked up, seeing that Flim and Flam were staring wide-eyed, their expressions fixed in silent screams.

“What?”

The twins, now hugging each other, pointed. Spoiled looked back and saw that Hairriam Webster (Fluttershy’s friend and a member of a rare genus of giant spiders) had sunk is fangs into her neck.

“Well that’s just great,” sighed Spoiled. “It’s going to leave a hicky.”

“But the venom!”

“It- -it’s not affecting her! She’s already got too much venom in her!”

“No you moron, it’s affecting me. I’m about to pass out. I expect you to fight this spider and get me back before he drains my bodily fluids. Then, take me to the town boutique. You two are clearly incompetent, so I’m going to do this myself.”

“And if we just leave you?”

“Then my ghost is going to haunt you. Every second of every day. You wake up at night? You’ll roll over and see me staring at you. Gazing right in your stupid unicorn eyes.”

At this point, Flim and Flam’s scream of terror was no longer silent. It was so shrill that it almost reached the level where only dogs and Fluttershy could hear it. Fortunately, Spoiled did not hear it, as she passed out. Her last thought before going was that she hoped she did not swell up.

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

Spoiled is too rich to feel pain. She has ponies for that.