Derpy Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap!)

by Unwhole Hole

Chapter 21: Derpy at the Bank

Ponyville had a bank. That was not a widely known fact, but it did, because every town needs at least one bank. Especially one where the residents never, ever left. Not many ponies knew about it, of course, as most kept their money under their respective mattresses- -and if they did not have a mattress at all (such as Trixie, who was a magical hobo anyway, and only a temporary resident of the town), then they probably did not have any money worth hiding.

Derpy did not have a mattress. Despite this fact, she had only gone to the bank once, and she could not remember why. As she approached it, though, she found that it had grown vastly in size since she had last been there. What had once been a tiny shack (actually a refurbished outhouse) was now a grand building, complete with real wood siding (not unfinished Flyvek paper like on Derpy’s house). In fact, it was the grandest building in town, short of Rich Manor. Derpy wondered what had happened to make it grow so quickly. It was almost as though somepony had been transferring tremendous amounts of money into an account without ever taking it out.

Upon entering, Derpy immediately went to the very back of the long row of velvet-rope cordoned rows and began to systematically walk through them. The bank was otherwise empty, so she probably could have gone to the front, but she was absolutely sure that if she broke the rules even slightly, she would be thrown out. After all, she was poor, and banks did not like poor ponies.

The teller saw her doing this, and gasped. Derpy froze, preparing to flee and knowing that this was a bad idea. She then saw the teller run to the back, and knew she was probably about to get tased.

The bank manager- -a tall stallion in a fancy suit, complete with buttons made of real metal- -appeared just as Derpy was starting to flee.

“Why, if it isn’t our VERY BEST customer EVER!” He immediately leapt over the counter, sprawling on the floor and quickly unbuckling the velvet ropes. Derpy, now terrified, froze. She might even have peed a little, but that was probably because of the combination of fear and pregnancy.

“I- -um- -I- -”

“This way, this way! To the front of the line!”

“But…there isn’t a line…”

“Do you want a cookie? We have cookies! CHANGEJINGLER! Get the cookies!”

The teller vanished suddenly. Derpy was not sure if “Changejingler” was her name or her title. It was sometimes hard to tell with ponies.

“You’re being very nice,” said Derpy, still confused and feeling strange.

“Well of course!” The manager pointed at the high, painted ceilings and the glimmering brass that made up most of this bank. “All of this is because of you, after all! I mean, of course we handle the Rich accounts, but only the parts they don’t have offshore- -but you! Why, this bank wouldn’t be here without you!”

Derpy was pushed to the front of the non-line and the teller presented her with cookies. Fancy ones, too. Derpy took one and ate it.

“Now,” said the manager. “Ms. Doo, what can we do for you today?”

“I…forgot my PIN.”

The manager and the teller looked at each other.

“Oh,” said the teller. “When was the last time you used it?”

“Um…never?”

“Changejingler!” hissed the manager, pointing at Derpy.

“Oh. Oh! Of course. Let me look that up.” She did so by checking a list. “Ah. I see. You’re PIN is- -”

“Wait! I’m going to write it down this time!” Derpy produced a used muffin wrapper and pulled out one of her feathers for a quill. The manager immediately presented her with ink. Fancy ink, probably made from wild inkbeasts milked by the last living Inka.

“Are you ready?”

“Ready!”

“Your PIN is…one….two…three…four.”

“Oh wow!” gasped Derpy. “It’s the same as the combination on my luggage!”

“Would you like to see your account balance?”

“Sure!”

The teller produced a slip. From where, Derpy did not know. She was not sure she wanted to know.

Derpy pulled a pair of reading glasses out of her mane and looked closely at the numbers. When she saw them, she gasped in surprise.

“Oh wow!” She beamed at the teller. “It’s so much!”

It indeed was. The code written on the statement was “29.8759M, 5.25 bits”.

“I know. It’s why we’re very proud to have you as a customer!”

“Can I make a withdrawal?”

“Of course! Actually…” The manager trailed off, looking at the teller. “You…never have. It’s somewhat strange, actually, considering how much is in the account.”

“I just assumed you were travelling the world,” said the Teller.

“No. I live down the street. In the house with the Flyvek.”

“In the- -wait, THAT house?”

Derpy nodded. “I’d like the five and a quarter bits please!”

The teller and manager both looked confused, but the teller processed the transaction, producing a hoofull of coins.

“Oh wow!” laughed Derpy, having not seen so much money in a long as she could remember (which was not very long). “That’s enough money to buy food for two months!”

“Um…my weekly food bill is fifty bits,” said the teller. “And I make minimum wage.”

“Oh, well I’m not good enough to do that,” sighed Derpy. She still smiled, though. “So. I guess I can close the account now.”

The manager and teller looked as though Derpy had just said that she wanted to put their pet dogs on buns and eat them with mustard. The manager very nearly fainted.

“But- -but- -you’ve had it for so long, and you’re in such good standing- -”

“But I don’t need it anyomore. Close it please.”

“But- -but without the money, the bank will go under, we can’t draw- -”

Derpy cocked her head, and the manager, now crying, acquiesced.

“Of course,” he said, his voice wavering. He took a deep sigh. “How would you like the rest of the funds? I’m afraid we don’t have that much in cash…we’ll have to liquidate the building…”

Derpy frowned, confused. “What rest? I already took out all the money!” She held up the five and a quarter bits. “See! It’s right here! I haven’t lost it yet.”

The manager and teller looked at her as though she were insane. For all they knew, she probably was.

“No. The other part.”

“You mean the ‘M’?” Derpy looked at the deposit slip. “Oh. Well, I don’t know. Sparkler says I’m bad with money. But I don’t think I can buy food with ‘M’. All the food stalls only take bits. Except that one where the guy gives me food if I preen him.”

The manager had no idea how to respond. The teller, however, did.

“Do you know what the M stands for?”

“For ‘M’. But I only wanted the bits. I can’t use the ‘M’.”

“It’s megabits. As in, a million bits.”

“What?”

“As in, your account has almost thirty million bits in it. And you get paid almost a hundred thousand a month in direct deposit. I mean, I shouldn’t even say this, but since you don’t have any debt, in terms of net worth, you’re the richest mare in Ponyville. By far. And you have been for twenty years.”

Derpy blinked. “Oh,” she said. She thought for a moment. “Thirty million?”

“Twenty nine point eight.”

“That’s a lot.”

“Yes it is.”

“So…with that much money, I could buy muffins?”

“Um…yes?”

Derpy frowned and derped for a long moment. “Well, this changes things.”

Comments

[Hazey Logic]

chapter numbering error

[N4rwh41]

oh. oh no. Pleas don;t have her blow it all on muffins.

[FanOfMostEverything]

9138632
I don't think she can. There may not be enough flour in Equestria.