• Published 13th Aug 2018
  • 1,014 Views, 128 Comments

Derpy Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap!) - Unwhole Hole



Derpy becomes a killer for hire. It goes about as well as can be expected.

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Chapter 18: Harassing the Locals

Shining Armor did not weight for Cadence to come back out of the ravine. In fact, he left as quickly as possible, breaking into an outright run. When they had come around the corner, he clearly saw that they had scared a mare, and in her fright she had fallen into the town river- -and then Cadence had turned to him and given him THE LOOK.

THE LOOK was a very, very bad thing. It terrified Shining Armor deeply. There would be chastisement. Much chastisement indeed, for having frightened a helpless local so badly, especially after Cadence had told him that it would be better to run this as a covert operation. She herself had even worn a sweater to cover her large, soft, fluffy, grape-scented wings. Shining Armor, being a stallion, had of course insisted that he knew better (a trait that within five short years would be entirely crushed out of him). Now he was sure that would be his undoing.

With his tail between his legs (literally, as he was a pony and had a tail), Shining Armor moved to an entirely different part of town. This part he liked better, because it smelled like food. There was a diner nearby, and he wondered if he should stop for a hayburger.

Something fluttered beside him, and Shining Armor stiffened, thinking that it might be Cadence. He often stiffened when Cadence was around. Instead, though, Spearhead landed beside him. Spearhead did not tend to make Shining Armor stiffen at all.

“Lieutenant,” he said, smiling and glad to see his friend.

“Captain,” replied Spearhead, saluting.

“At ease,” said Shining Armor, returning the salute. Even though they were friends, there were certain formalities that needed to be observed, like saluting or bowing to the Royal Rump when it passed. “So. How’s it look?”

Spearhead smiled. “Dude, this town is amazing!” he gestured out at the streets full of happy ponies. “It’s so clean, but quaint at the same time…like, it strikes me on a deep emotional level, how it’s old, and happy, and peaceful. Like home, but like the home you read about in books, you know?”

Shining Armor had no idea, but nodded.

Spearhead sighed. “I dig it. I dig it real hard. Let me tell you this right now: when I finish my tour, and I start up that art gallery- -”

“Not the art gallery again!”

“- -I’m going to do my first showing here, in this town, because it really matches what I’m trying to say! Like, in spirit, you know?”

Shining Armor rolled his eyes. “Sure, but is it safe for Twily? I mean, compared to the other towns on the list…” He produced the list. It rolled out and unfurled a considerable distance, tripping a pony in the process and sending her headfirst into a cart of cabbages. Neither Shining Armor nor Spearhead seemed to notice. “Celestia asked us to find a place to send her, and I just don’t know…maybe that rock-town is better? Less stallions…”

“You mean the one that’s empty except for that weird rock-cult family with the hot daughter? Yeah no. They’ll probably sacrifice her for a good harvest. Of rocks.”

“I didn’t think of that.” Shining Armor crossed that one out. “But then…”

“What? Would you want to have her locked up in Fort Sox with the royal gold and/or cake supply?”

“Well she’d be safe- -”

“She’ll be safe here. I mean, the guys down in the sewer didn’t even find ONE drowner! And by the way, one of them’s stuck, so we’ll need to requisition some bubber.”

“I’ll put in an order,” sighed Shining Armor. “But, Spear, I don’t know…”

“Dude. This town has a library. Enough said.”

“You know, she does things other than read books.”

“Really?”

Shining Armor stared at him for a moment, and then sighed. “No. Not really. Not at all.”

Shining Armor’s Royal Guard sense suddenly tingled. Or at least something tingled. He looked up and around, and saw a suspicious purple mare standing at one of the vendor-stalls set up on the street. His mind backtracked: he had seen her coming out of the diner a block away (not the front door, but the back), and walking down the street. The owner of that stall had gone to extricate the mare that the town-list had tripped from her cabbagey tomb, leaving her stall unattended. Now the suspicious mare was standing at it, grabbing things in her magic.

“Hey you!” cried Shining Armor, running to the mare. “Get away from there!”

He pulled the mare away, and realized three things. The first was that this mare smelled very heavily of fried food. The second was that apart from her mane and tail, she was completely and utterly hairless. The third and most important was that she had not actually stolen anything. Instead, she had taken the entire supply of ornaments that the vender was selling and organized them by size and color. All three of these things made Shining Armor tingle even more than he had been.

“Oh wow,” he said, poking her repeatedly. “You have no body hair.”

“No, I shave it,” replied Sparkler. “And don’t poke me, I’ll bruise.”

Spearhead arrived. He was slower than Shining Armor. “Hey! Were you trying to steal stuff?”

“If I was trying you wouldn’t have seen it. No.” Sparkler gestured at the display. “Sometimes I sneak into places and organize them when nopony’s looking. I really, REALLY like organizing things.”

Shining Armor felt himself breathing hard. Purple mare. Hairless. Liked organizing things. He was suddenly very glad that Cadence was not here to see this. He had had a crush on her for years, but there was of course no way he could ever ask a Princess out. This mare, though…

“Say,” he said, leaning close and smelling her mane deeply. It smelled like French-fries. “Weird question. Do you ever wear your mane in…bangs?”

Spearhead put his hoof over his face. “Shining, no,” he groaned. “You’re making this weird…”

Shining Armor ignored him. The mare did, also. “No,” she said. “I don’t have the money for haircuts. I usually just fire cutting magic at a mirror and see what happens. There were a few months where I was completely bald. Did you know we have short little rat-tails under our normal ones?”

“What about false wings?”

Sparkler raised an eyebrow. “I think that’s technically racist. But yes. I have. In the school play. I played Inky Nebula, so I got to be an alicorn.”

Shining Armor was drooling at this point, in part because she smelled like fried food an in part because with her off-purple color she could be either Twilight OR Cadence. Or close enough. And since she was not actually Twilight, that made it not weird. Not weird at all.

“Dude,” said Spearhead. “You know she’s, like, fifteen, right?”

“Stop ruining it, Lieutenant!” hissed Shining Armor.

“Lieutenant?” Sparkler blinked. “You’re in the military?”

“Yes,” said Shining Armor, puffing himself out. “I’m a captain!”

“So you have your own ship?”

Shining Armor deflated. “Well, no…actually, the infantry captain is quite a bit lower in rank than a naval captain.”

“Oh. Well, for the record, I’m seventeen. And I was actually thinking of joining the military.”

Shining Armor’s eyes lit up. “You were? You are? Oh, well- -yes. I think you have a greaaaaat future there!”

“Really?”

“Yes! I would love to have you under me! I mean serving me! I mean holding a spear! I mean firing my cannon- -I mean- -”

“Dude,” said Spearhead. “Put down the shovel and stop digging.” He looked up at Sparkler. “You know you’d never get into the Royal Guard, right?”

Sparkler nodded. “It doesn’t matter. Anywhere you want to put me. Even with the pervert, if necessary.”

Shining Armor blushed, but Spearhead nodded gravely. Her response was rare, because she already knew what it had taken him almost ten years in the service to learn: that Celestia only loved white unicorns.