• Published 13th Aug 2018
  • 1,014 Views, 128 Comments

Derpy Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap!) - Unwhole Hole



Derpy becomes a killer for hire. It goes about as well as can be expected.

  • ...
7
 128
 1,014

Chapter 14: Horns

Somehow- -as if fate itself hated them, which was a very real possibility- -Flim and Flam ended back at the shack they had started at. This time, though, the buckets were gone, and they intended to keep it that way. They very quickly- -with the help of magic, what with being members of the master-race of ponies- -boarded up every entrance, exit, mouse hole, and toilet they could find. With their amount of adrenaline, it only took a matter of minutes.

“There,” said Flam, wiping his brow and being careful not to prick himself on his horn-organ. “There’s no way she could get in.”

“But what if she’s a ghost?”

“There’s no such thing.”

“NO. There literally ARE. We live in a magical realm of COLORED HORSES, of course there are GHOSTS!”

“Don’t be silly. Ghosts are made-up fiction. Every unicorn knows that.”

“So then WHAT WAS THAT THING?!”

“I would suppose a very large bat.”

“A BAT? And ghosts are made up- -”

“I literally snuggled a bat-mare to get these shirts,” snapped Flam. “They EXIST.”

“But- -but- -what about the buckets?”

“Probably some kind of redneck ritual. For all we know they pray to them.”

“The bucket lord,” whispered Flim.

“Not that it matters now. We’re safe. This place could withstand a hurricane. A FLAMING hurricane, even.” A slight breeze blew, and the whole place creaked wildly, nearly toppling. “As I said. We’re safe.”

“Well…”

“Even if we weren’t, there’s not much we can do.”

“Do you think she’s waiting out there?”

“I don’t know. But I know we’re in here until morning.” He picked up a moldering blanket. A rat larger than him began to scurry out and he grabbed it, laying down on it as though it were a pillow. It being a gentle Ponyville rat and naturally starved of attention (as all ponies other than Fluttershy tended to hate rats) it hugged his head back, feeling great affection.

Flam pulled the blanket up, and it promptly disintegrated into cockroaches, which made up well over ninety percent of its mass. Flam just stared at it and sighed, and then pulled up the hoofful of fibers left over that were not wiggly and moving. “I’m going to bed.”

“But, she could be there- -”

“I just got chased through an obscure pondunk town by BUCKETS. I’m tired. I’m taking a nap. Tomorrow we can find employees. Who knows, maybe we can tie the hairless girl to a stick and use her to find virgins. I have no idea.”

In a huff, he rolled over and hugged his rat-pillow. Flim looked on, terrified but willing to accept what his brother was saying. He sighed, and took off his shirt and lay down on the far side of the room near the toilet where the ground was the softest. He had no idea how he would get to sleep.

Ten seconds later, both were snoring loudly. And Derpy was standing beside them.

Flam rolled over in his sleep, growning as he was awakened. He closed his eyes and winced. It was still dark; the whole reason he had become a con-pony instead of getting a real job was so that he never needed to wake up this early.

“Come on, Flim,” he muttered groggily. He picked up his rat and threw it at his brother. “What are you doing, sawing logs over there? We’re going to have to get you checked for apnea…” He yawned, and then went back to sleep.

And it was indeed a good sleep. He dreamed that a mare was on top of him, her wings flailing wildly as she pawed at and stroked his long, hard horn. He could almost feel teeth against it, grinding down in the rough way he only wished mares would treat him. A mare on top of him…a mare that smelled like MUFFINS.

He awoke screaming. By this time, the sun was out.

“GAH!” cried Flim, also awakening suddenly. “WHAT WHERE WHEN MONEY?”

“Oh my,” said Flam, putting his hooves on the side of his face. He had a crushing headache, as though he had been licking other unicorns the whole night before. “What a dream…it started out good but then it…”

“FLAM!”

Flam turned and saw his brother staring wide-eyed- -but then found himself staring at his brother with equal horror and surprise.

“YOUR HORN!” they both cried at once.

Both of them could see it clearly. In the night, while they slept, their horns had been sawed off, very nearly to the quick- -and they were nowhere to be found. They had both been uncorned.