• Member Since 21st Jan, 2018
  • offline last seen 57 minutes ago

Lspaceship


T

Formsu is a member of the PBB, the greatest warriors against Chaos in the reformed nation of Equestria. The threats of Discord that he face are among the most dangerous the Mad God can throw at him. But when he is thrown back to a time before the Return of Harmonic forces, he must find a way back to his home, and his family.

But how can a lone Purrsian stand against every challenge that comes his way, as forces both Chaotic and Harmonic work to limit his workings in this time?


Hello all! This fic is based on a Ponyfinder game that I play with a couple friends of mine. I fell in love with my character, and found myself writing about him in my spare time. I showed it to a couple people, and they urged me to publish it here. This is my first time officially publishing something to a site like this, so please leave constructive criticism.

Also, each original character I have mentioned and will mention in the future have a Pathfinder class. I'm not going to mention them directly every time, but there should be enough hints for readers to figure it out. It isn't necessary but should be a pretty cool thing to look for in the fic.

Cover art by Crazeguy

Huge thanks to the following for prereading this!
The author of smugbug and co, Carapace
Author of The Bug in Camouflaged Armor, vDrake 77
Sir Needs To Write More Fics, River Road

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 4 )

Let's hope he doesn't die again before you write more of it.

I will inevitably nitpick all of the lore inconsistencies, you have been warned.

9102475
I am taking steps to prevent this

9102477
Sure, sure

For everyone that isn't L reading this, hi! I'm part of the RPG group with L and I wrote up the AU that L has based his AU on, this foreword hopefully helps explain some of the little nit-picks I'm about to mention.

purple full plate

Rising wears silver armour, last I checked at least.

magic knocked him to the side.

magic knocked her to the side.

a monochromatic Pegasus mare

Pre Edit: Charged is neither monochromatic, nor a mare.
After Edit: Charged still isn't monochromatic.

“Of course I know! But as soon as PeeBee makes sure Rising isn't dead, she'll be back and ready to pound him into dust! We just need to keep stalling until she's done!”

This is fine, I want to use it to highlight the next piece of dialogue.

“I can’t shoot through that, Formsu. The shield has a taint of Chaos magic to it, and my bullets aren’t enchanted with Order. Rising could probably pierce it with her Luna-blessed sword, but we don’t know how well she’s doing right now.”

This is too long, it tries to fit too much information in and it is clunky as all heck.

When I said that it tries to get too much information across I'm talking about things like this 'The shield has a taint of Chaos magic to it, and my bullets aren't enchanted with order' and this 'Rising could probably pierce it with her Luna-blessed sword'. These are both important pieces of information, but they're delivered in a way that feels clunky.

It feels like you used too many words to me, unlike the first highlighted piece of dialogue, which feels more snappy and to the point.

but you and the gunmare

This still exists, even after your first edit.

I look forward to reading (and tearing apart) the next chapter!

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