- Member Since 30th May, 2013
- offline last seen 2 hours ago
Duelist96
Retired writer of almost anything. Lover of RariDash and background ponies.
Duelist96
Joined 30th May, 2013 ·
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It's about time!
9101965
That's because you're a difficult person to please.
Now I am craving Mangos!
Please have a sequel!!!! With Fleetfoot into a ménage à trois!!!
Taking a shit just got a lot easier because those beautiful romance scenes ripped me a new one.
9102077
But you didn't give me a robot or bolts for ripping you a new one.
Wheeeew, what a story that was... and and it's muh son/mother kink, unf
Good show Duelist, good show! Spits needs more luvin'... among many other mares, tbh.
Keep it up!
1. Not only is fireball one of my favorite drinks, it is my absolute favorite drink
2. Those analogies! XD
You know your sexuality is officially broken when you think a picture of an anthropomorphic pony in full on centerfold position is sexier than most pinups.
...Nice cover pic.
9103099
Thank you.
mmmm this could defo go for a sequel
good work, glad to see you back to writing!
A lot of great setup and characterization. But without knowing what this story is about, the slow burn was very subtle, such that his infatuation shifting to his mother seemed a little under-developed and felt a bit forced when out of context. The drunk parent x child is a common, (but hard to do well) path. But it is done well in this case. Mostly. Right up until:
Oh no. Porn logic.
There is no warning beforehand for this, no indication (that I could see) that would explain her reacting in this way. I get that it's a third-person limited narration, so we don't get to see what she's thinking. But some other indication, even a subtle one, such as her commenting about him 'growing up into a fine young stallion', or suggestive body language. Something to give a hint towards her even possibly being interested or accepting of him sexually, rather than the 'she's in heat and not thinking clearly' trope as an afterthought. And on the subject:
should have been the final dialogue before his imminent climax. Terse, powerful, and poignant! Because:
is straight up hentai dialogue.
Each of these things by themselves aren't objectively bad. Hell, even all the euphemisms for a one-night-stand had me chuckling. Taken on their own, they're fine in the given situation. But they just feel out of place in a story this good. It's something I wouldn't mind seeing in a simple clop-shot. But this story has so much more to it with complex characters and world-building. There is real emotion within the relationship.
This story not just hot from the sex and the taboo, but also heartwarming. More so than the sexual titillation, I really enjoyed the way the romance of the story played out, with a happy ending for a lonely, hurting mother, and vindication for her son's shame.
The bits of dialogue that stood out only did so because they felt immature, and it broke immersion. It would be as if Romeo went to visit Juliet, and when she greets him at her door she says, "please, come inside", and in response, Romeo puts on a backwards baseball cap, flips his collar up and says "That's what she said!" in a surfer-frat-boy voice.
Again, I want to emphasize, this story is really good. Like, really good! It's so close to being great! It's just in the uncanny valley where it's so good, that it makes the bad parts stand out more, that's all.
9104395
Your real warning at best was only this quote.
Could there have been something else leading into it for a warning, yes, I don't doubt there is. Although I felt this was fine enough to give some kind of sense that she had caught on to his presence. As for commenting about how much he has grown is there, but of course it's after this part. My editor and myself had discussed the best way to do that part only because it's used in most clopfics, and wanted to give it a bit of a different take.
For the next part, I don't deny that it's somewhat on the side of a hentai quote. But at the same time, I really wanted to show at least some kind of change in Spitfire beyond everything that has been shown. That some kind of barrier was finally broken and she no longer held any reservations about what she was doing, despite her current state. Did I possibly make those points across closer to the end after the climax, I would say possibly, but for me personally, the quote gave more emotion to her and how much she loved her son.
As for the Romeo and Juliet thing, and this is just a tangent, you reminded me of my English class I was in. We were watching the modern day film of Romeo and Juliet, and my teacher was fast forwarding through some of the movie, mainly the balcony scene and where Mercutio (probably spelled that wrong) was killed. And she pressed play and it was Romeo driving his car and screaming at the top of his lungs. So now your reference just makes it more hilarious to me.
Overall, I'm not discrediting anything you said, and your points are valid. I'm happy that you enjoyed the story and shared your feelings about it and how you felt about my writing. I appreciate you feedback and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I will keep those close to mind as I write and see what comes of it.
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Just as wonderful as I was expecting it to be. I really enjoyed the amount of focus there was on the story background and build up, it's almost a shame that this is a one-shot with how much effort went into giving the entire thing its rhythm and reason. You really made it unexpectedly emotional near the beginning, yet your transition from the sadder emotion to the sexual atmosphere was pobably the best I've seen that done.
Another good one Duel, another good one.
And for God's sake, the actual Clop dialog...
Most worth it grounding ever received in pony history.
9104503 Well I can certainly respect the thought process behind the creative decisions made. You clearly have talent, and I am looking forward to what you do in the future.
9104543
And now it's your turn to write a story. Here's the torch.
Pony porn in the featured box!!!
9104858
If it's a reference to the show, I don't need a clip to know where it was going.
That cover art is sexy fuckin' nosebleed!
Excuse me while I stockpile tissues and lotion and get to reading.
Had to pull out my shake weight for this, yo. Pertty guud sturf here.
Great story! Always good to see Spitfire as a featured mare
I was NOT expecting a Mother/Son type of thing, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. Incest isn't my cup of tea but this story was just too good not to like. The dialogue, story, and the clop was hilarious. Thanks for all of this :D
I unfortunately have to say that you didn't quite provide enough euphemisms for impregnating a made then absconding.
For a writer of your caliber I expected at least 20 stupid, punny sayings, but I only received about 10.
The rest of the amazing story with solid characterization and a well described clop scene almost saved it, but the lack of Trixie sealed the deal, I'm afraid I can only favorite and like this.
9/10
9115390
There was more than 10 euphemisms, but my editor and I decided to cut it down.
The lack of Trixie is a good thing. The moment I have a Trixie centered fic is the day I choose to believe she's a good pony.
that was adorable i hope there is a sequel in mind i want to see him as his mom bond closer as mother and son but also man and wife . i'd like to see how he helps raise his foal/sibling.
I'll have to drop a short review of this soon.
9155310
Let me know when you do because I'll be interested in seeing that.
9115425
But what about the one you wrote for me on Trixie and Ditzy
In any case, amazing job. Makes me so proud to see how far you got.
I’d love to see more of this! Great story and plot
That was hot, 10/10!
A sequel with Fleet would be amazing, please.